Rage & Bullets

  “Remember when you were little and I’d pour you a glass of milk before bed and then tell you a story to help you sleep?”

  I nod. “I remember.”

  Up until I was eleven he’d do it. Though, most of the time, he’d purposely make the stories scary and I’d end up sleeping in my parent’s bed after screaming my way through a nightmare.

  “Well, think of this like that…only you’re gonna need the hard liquor instead of milk to help you sleep when I’m done.”

  I laugh once. “That scary, huh?”

  “Scary?” He shrugs, indifferent. “A little. Fucked up?”

  He shivers, sucks back a large mouthful of whiskey, and starts at the beginning. I listen, intently, hanging on every grotesque and exciting word. When he reaches the end…fucked up doesn’t even begin to describe it.

  “So...” I say, frowning into the untouched liquid in my glass. “You kidnapped Monique for Skull?”

  He nods, then shakes his head. “Well, I mean, it was a fake kidnapping staged by her father, but, essentially, yes.”

  My stomach churns and I tighten my hands around my glass. I never thought I’d hear my brother confess to murder and kidnapping. He was always the good one. I got into trouble occasionally, but Joel never did—not even once. From what I gather, Monique’s father lost to Skull in a game of poker and, to save his expensive way of life, he gave up his only daughter. Instead of beating his sorry ass Joel took the girl.

  “How could you do that?” I wonder aloud.

  “I didn’t have a choice. I was in deep—too deep to fuck it all up on an unknown seventeen year old girl.”

  I flinch at her age. You don’t need to be a lawyer or a police officer to know sexual relations with a minor is illegal. Not to mention the age gap. Joel is nine years her senior.

  “Seventeen?!” I whisper, harshly. “Are you insane?”

  “She was seventeen when I kidnapped her, but I didn’t touch her until after her eighteenth birthday.”

  I roll my eyes. “Well, aren’t you a fucking standup guy?”

  “It wasn’t supposed to happen and I sure as shit didn’t plan on it, but Skull was adamant that I keep my eyes on her. After she agreed to stay with him I was the one who had to train her, dress her, feed her, and take her fucking shopping. She was in my face constantly, parading her beautiful body around me like it was no big deal—and it wasn’t. I was focused on my ultimate goal. Skull was going to die for what he did to our family...but then the bullshit started.”

  He swallows, his face screwing up like he tastes something bad.

  “Skull is easily bored…the things he’d do for entertainment. I felt responsible for the girl, you know? Most of the time I managed to talk him off the ledge, but after a while he got suspicious. By the time he was certain something was going on between us I was too far gone to deny it…and then he tore my life apart for the second time.”

  Joel looks at me, his eyes puffy in the glow of the lights above the oven. I clench my teeth. How the hell can I walk away now? How can I walk away and pretend I did the right thing for the rest of my life? Maybe it’s the police officer in me, but an innocent is an innocent. I shake my head. Monique is not your problem. You got what you wanted. Run. Start a new life on the edge of the world.

  Joel tilts his head and I bring the cup to my lips, taking a long sip. The cool feel of the smooth glass against my split lip feels heavenly…until the booze pours onto it, burning the busted flesh like acid.

  Please, don’t fucking ask me. I need more time to think. Whatever I choose doesn’t only affect me. It affects Ted, Huss, Jessica, and Emily, too.

  “Jai...”

  I swallow. “I can’t just—”

  “I need your help. I’m coming to you as a brother. I know a brother is far from what I’ve been and it’s definitely not the title I deserve right now, but you’re all I got. I will die there without you.”

  I tip my head back. Isn’t that some heavy shit? Small eternities pass and I can’t bring myself to provide him with an answer.

  “You know, when they had me locked up in of those industrial sheds that smelled like tuna infused asshole—”

  I laugh and lower my head, my eyes locking with his. They have a happy curve to them—a curve I haven’t seen in a long time.

  “No word of a lie. It was fucking rank.” His tooth filled smile fades and he glances down at his drink. “I remember when I first heard them speak your name. I was sitting in a puddle of water and rust that had leaked through the holes in the ceiling during the night. I was freezing, my body shaking like nothing else. Pick and Ghost were in charge of babysitting me. They talked a lot of shit, most of the time, but one morning I heard your name and I couldn’t believe it.” He pauses to shake his head. “I was so mad at you for following me down this fucked up rabbit hole, but then I heard how well you were doing—how you were crushing everybody and raising absolute hell—and it made me so damn proud. As the days passed and Pick and Ghost became hostile. They spoke about you and how you destroyed this year’s competition and killed their friends…Skull and his buddies won’t forget that, and I guess I’m telling you this because I know they’re on the hunt for you too. I know Skull wants Emily and that you’ll lose a lot if this mission goes sour, but I want you to know that I believe in you…and I believe, with you, we can pull this off. No sweat.”

  No sweat? Ha! I’m sure breaking into a heavily guarded criminal compound is a piece of cake. Exhaling through my nose, I drop my stare to my knees. I’m a sucker for speeches—especially Joel’s speeches. My whole life he has been able to inspire and motivate me and it seems he still can. Unfortunately, a decision like this isn’t the same as deciding if I should go to school or not. Innocent lives hang in the balance. If we go down Jessica will have no one left. She’ll be an orphan—like Emily—and I don’t want that for her.

  Sliding off the bench, I place my glass on the surface. It’s not easy being torn in two—being torn between what is right and what is right for me. How do I decide? How do I make that decision on behalf of everyone involved and make sure it’s the right one?

  I look at Joel. His lips are pursed and his dark eyes are wide with anticipation—like an anxious dog waiting for a treat.

  “If it was Emily…” I say, scratching the back of my head. “If it was her locked up there with Skull, would you help me?”

  “She wouldn’t need our help. That little firecracker would destroy his house from the inside out.”

  “Her bark is bigger than her bite.” I point out, unable to help the smirk forming at the corner of my lips. “She’s strong, but sensitive.”

  “Oh…I see.” Joel laughs under his breath, taking a smug gulp of his drink. “How long?”

  I frown as my heart kicks up in tempo. Why is it doing that? “How long, what?”

  He screws his face, like I’m the idiot. “How long have you been in love with her?”

  It’s that obvious, huh? Blood rushes to my face and pools in my cheeks. Thank fuck it’s dark. I stuff my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants.

  “How long?” He pushes.

  I shrug, impatiently. “We haven’t known each other a long time so—”

  “Love is timeless.”

  I don’t want to talk about love and feelings with Joel. It’s weird and it makes me feel all uncomfortable and shit. I screw up my face. Now it’s my turn to look at him like he’s the idiot.

  “Love is timeless? Okay, Dalai Lama. You’re so inspiring. I might get that tattooed on my chest.”

  “Will you two keep it down?” Ted snaps from one of the brown couches. “Shit.”

  Joel snorts as he reaches inside the pocket of his checkered pants and pulls out a cigarette.

  “You wanna go outside?”

  I glance out the small window above the kitchen sink. How cold is it out there? Zero?

  “I’ll pass.”

  “All right.” He slides off the bench, tucking the cigarette behind his ear. ??
?A slow death for one, got it.”

  Shaking my head, I turn around and saunter toward the stairs.

  “You gonna do it, Jai?” He utters, making me turn around. “You going to help me get her back?”

  With nervous fingers, he toys with his lighter, flipping it over and over with his tips, reminding me of the Joel I knew as a kid. He was always flicking coins and twirling pens. Whenever he was in trouble, he’d toy with his special coin. It had a scary clown on one side and a werewolf on the other. I swallowed it when I was six.

  “When were you planning on doing it?” I ask.

  “It’s almost five in the morning and we’ll need our sleep tonight so...tomorrow night.”

  The decision I’m about to make could possibly be the worst decision I’m ever going to make…but it needs to be done. I can’t carry the guilt of letting him go on his own. If something happens—something my presence could have prevented—it will destroy me. I nod, carving it in stone.

  “Okay.” I say. “I’ll do it.”

  Trouble

  Emily

  I tilt my head back, letting the warmth of the morning sun caress my face. It’s the first morning in a while that hasn’t been overly chilly. The occasional whip of breeze stings against the bare skin on my neck, but it’s not cold enough to turn my nipples into sharp icicles.

  “And she was insane, right? Hands down the loudest female I’ve ever fucked.”

  I roll my eyes, shifting my attention from Ted’s animated, and extremely inappropriate, storytelling to Huss who is laying on his side, relaxed and pain-free. It’s amazing considering no one could look at him yesterday without him complaining like a baby.

  Huss runs the inside of his thumb along the bright, yellow petal of a prematurely picked Helenium flower and I find myself staring at it’s dark center, lost in its interesting texture.

  I love fall flowers and ornament grasses. Their warm tones mesh well with the browning of leaves and—a light brush over my forearm pulls me from my thoughts as Huss drags the flower up my forearm and then down again. I tilt my head, amazed. Does he have a death wish? As he pushes the soft petals along the inside of my elbow, I pluck it from his fingers, giving him a smug smile.

  “You’re gonna get yourself into trouble.” I state, tossing the flower over my shoulder.

  Huss’s gray eyes flare as his lips pull into a smirk. “Is trouble your nickname?”

  I snort. Smooth.

  “Cut it out.” Ted orders, ripping up a handful of grass and tossing it in Huss’s direction. Sadly the featherweight blades blow away in the breeze instead of hitting him in the face. “Jai will kill you and dump your body in the lake and I’m not going to stop him.”

  “They’re not dating.” Huss states with a glance at me. “Are you?”

  Heat spreads up my neck. “Yes—no—I mean, technically we’re not, but—”

  “Then no harm done.” He says, looking back to Ted.

  “There’s a little harm done.” Ted argues, resting his thick forearms on his black, cargo-clad knees. “What you’re doing is disrespectful and if you don’t knock it off, there’ll be a lot of harm done—specifically to your physical being.”

  I plant my hands on the grass and lean back, locking my elbows as I straighten my legs and cross my ankles.

  “Why are you so scared?” Huss asks, pulling a blade of grass from the ground. He doesn’t look at it as he folds it with his fingers, turning it into a little square.

  “He’s a bad motherfucker. The punishment I’ve seen him deal on people...trust me, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of it.”

  Huss flicks the blade of grass at Ted who swats at it as it hits his cheek and falls to the ground. Huss can talk all he wants. I know he’s only poking fun. Boys like him love to ruffle feathers and stir the pot. It’s the excitement of playing with others that makes them feel fulfilled. Even if he’s serious he should know he’s wasting his time. I’ve never been more uninterested in having sex in my life. Maybe it’s because of the giant skull tattoo on his head…or maybe it’s because I’m too caught up in someone else. Whatever the reason, Huss and I will never happen.

  “Jai will eat you alive and you know it.” I laugh and Huss opens his mouth to protest me.

  “Anyway,” I say, turning my attention to Ted. “You didn’t finish your story.”

  Ted perks up, an incredulous smile inching its way across his lips. I don’t know why he insists on retelling his sex stories. Some are so farfetched I doubt they even happened.

  He clears his throat. “As I was saying, when she’d orgasm she’d lose the fucking plot—and not in that sexy, can’t control her legs kind of way.”

  Huss is the first to ask. “How’d she come?”

  Ted’s flawless, seemingly pore-less, face glazes over in shock and horror as he recalls the event. His stunning golden eyes are bright in the light of the sun, making the black specks of coal visible.

  “She’d start punching me in the face, calling me all the names of her exes in alphabetical order. Adam. Punch. Andrew. Punch. Brendan. Wham.” He shuffles closer, eager to get the rest out. “Get this, she was riding me, right, hard. As I was about to come, she jumped off of me and punched me in the fucking nuts.”

  A howl of laughter bubbles up my throat and rips out of my mouth. I have to meet this girl. I need to put a face to a name—or orgasm, in this case.

  Huss winces, his whole body tightening. “You’re full of shit.”

  Ted inches closer. “I swear on my Mama’s life this girl punched me in the nuts right before I was about to blow.”

  When he is certain Ted’s story is verified, Huss laughs. He laughs so hard he rolls onto his back to laugh up at the sky. In my chest, my own laughter creates bubbles of genuine happiness—a happiness I imagine comes when you joke around with siblings. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard. Over our laughter, I hear the back door slap against the outside wall. I can’t see who it is through the tears that squeeze themselves from my eyes, blurring my vision.

  “I had to get an x-ray to make sure it wasn’t broken, I wasn’t allowed to get erections, and I couldn’t piss straight for a week. That’s why I don’t fuck with white girls anymore.”

  Un-bunching my blue hoodie from my elbows, I swipe at my eyes with its sleeve and blink away the blurriness the tears left in time to see Jai saunter over, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He looks good from every angle, especially in his tight black tee that clings to his chest and arms. Last night, he was miserable when he went bed—cranky and clipped—but this morning he woke up content. He and Joel even spoke casually at breakfast, neither inciting rage in the other. It’s nice to see them get along. Their faces are eerily similar when they’re not baring teeth at each other.

  “Do I want to know?” Jai asks, his dark eyes scanning over us.

  I shake my head. “Definitely not.”

  “What’s Joel doing?” Ted asks pushing himself to his feet.

  “Polishing the guns and counting the ammunition.”

  I frown. “He’s going through with it?”

  His eyes meet mine and my heart flutters in my chest. He nods. “I can’t stop him...so I’m going to help him instead.”

  My lips part as a shaky breath lets itself out. Mixed emotions swirl through me—worry, regret, anxiety. I’m not ready for this. I want to stay in this bubble forever—far removed from the rest of the world. I’m a different person here and I’m happy. I’m finally happy.

  “I’m not going to sugar coat anything for you guys...” Jai clears his throat, his stare flicking between Ted and Huss. “There’s a good chance we won’t make it back here. A handful of us against an army of them? It’s obvious the odds aren’t in our favor.”

  Huss and Ted exchange glances as Jai takes a short pause.

  “So I’m giving you guys an out. You can leave right now no questions asked. No judgement.”

  Ted lets out a laugh and it turns nervous when he realizes
Jai isn’t kidding.

  “Oh.” A single lingering chuckle bubbles out of Ted. “You’re serious?”

  Jai nods. “I’m serious.”

  “Un-fucking-believable.” Ted runs the heavy palm of his hand over his face. “Do you know what I do at the precinct? Every morning I wake up, put my uniform on, strap in my gun, and I drive my ass to work. You know what they make me do when I get there?”

  Jai shakes his head.

  “Traffic control. Can you believe that shit? I became a cop to defend the innocent and catch bad guys. That’s what I was born to do. Instead, I babysit road workers and occasionally direct a vehicle. It’s not fulfilling. It’s not what I signed up for. So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m gonna defend the innocent and catch the bad guy for once. Then I’ll back to directing traffic.”

  Disappoint flashes over Jai’s face, but he recovers quickly, flicking his stare to Huss. I can tell by his face Jai thinks Huss will definitely bow out, but I think Huss enjoys the challenge.

  “When do we go?” Huss asks, plucking the slender, yellow petals from another Helenium.

  “You’re not going to be very useful, Huss.” I point out. “You couldn’t even put your shirt on this morning without my help.”

  He flicks a perfectly shaped eyebrow, his expression coy and smug. “Maybe I could.”

  “We go in tomorrow night—and Emily is right. You can’t help, not in your state.”

  “So I’ll keep the engine warm.”

  Ted shakes his head. “Jord—”

  “Don’t Jordan me.” Huss cuts in, turning his glare on Jai. “I supplied the floor plans, I noted the weak entry points—in detail—and I supplied most of the tactile equipment. Do you know how much I have risked and continue to risk for you and your brother? I’m not backing off now and I’m definitely not sitting this one out. No fucking way.”

  Ted shrugs. “Suit yourself. What do we need to do to prep for tomorrow?”

  “Spend today doing whatever you need to do,” Jai tells them. “but tonight we’re going to have some fun.”