Reluctant Gods

“The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not entirely absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible.”

  Bertrand Russel

  7

  Alexander was taking care of things for me. It was amazing how well he handled everything. He was a lawyer, financial administrator, and general contractor with skilled trades he used to refurbish the house, and a truly loyal and trustworthy friend.

  In the little time I’d known him, he impressed me beyond belief with his calm and grace. On top of it all, it was as if we’d always had this relationship. I’d make sure he was well taken care of, since I couldn’t imagine ever losing him.

  Every time I recalled the fantasy lady from my dream, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love I’d never felt before. It was bliss to connect to feelings so powerful and overwhelming. It wasn’t real, but it definitely affected me.

  If she were real, now that would be a dream come true. For now, I’d just enjoy the feelings.

  I quit my job and started my quest to find what exactly a Designated One was and what I was supposed to do. I was to be a man of leisure, or so I assumed, as my life flowed forward into its new and very different waters. I didn’t know what a Designated One did, but it couldn’t be too hard.

  No more difficult than my last identity as Vice President of Corporate Manufacturing Development and Optimization. After working so hard to create that identity, I did feel somewhat of a loss. Now I needed to do what I always did when confronted with a problem or situation I didn’t comprehend. I needed to learn everything I could about it. Like my father used to say, “You live your life learning then you die a dummy.” That’s a major part of what life is for, isn’t it? Learning. Although most people would prefer to watch TV instead.

  A multitude of paradigms and beliefs I was raised with would need to be reshaped. What better thing could I do than learn about these things? I decided to go to the bookstore where I’d previously found so many answers and spent so much time. It was one of my favorite things to do when I had time to spend, and it seemed I had plenty of that right now.

  It was snowing as I left the mansion. Alexander was hard at work again, busy on his cell phone, two contractors waiting to speak to him as they stood with their tools in their hands.

  I passed the stonemasons in front, resetting the slate slabs. I looked back at the griffins. They were propped up against a retaining wall and seemed to be happy. Happy as a griffin could be, I guess. I peered closely, using the sight Alexander had taught me. Nothing inside of them like the doors, but they seemed to have a life of sorts, a consciousness to them. I sensed they longed to be reset into their places and take up their relentless vigil.

  I slid into my car while workers continued their repairs to the masonry around the fountain. The ride went by and I didn’t even notice it, my mind was so busy trying to figure out what to research first, and how to find it. I walked into the empty store on that Tuesday morning and felt the rush of warm air as the familiar scent of books filled my nostrils.

  I bought a double espresso to browse with, since I planned to be there a while. I loved the smell of the coffee and the buzz it gave me. I took it into the vast book stacks, trying to decide where to start. Strangely, the stone in my pocket started to vibrate lightly. Why? Was she near?

  I was preoccupied, looking around the store for the woman from my dream, when I almost ran into a homeless person. He smelled awful and his clothes were ripped. Open sores were on his face, and his teeth were rotten and crooked—what few teeth he had.

  He was hunched over, sneering up at me, his eyes locked on mine. I flinched as I returned his gaze. I tried to compose myself, so as not to insult him.

  “Excuse me, sir. My apologies, I must not have been paying attention.”

  He grabbed my arm and stood up straight, looking around the store to see if anyone was watching. He sprayed me with spit as he spoke.

  “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. That’s from Hebrews 13:1,2.” His grin was evil, yet somehow familiar, and then he asked, “Should I dance?” He looked at my coffee, wiped his dribble, looked up at me, and pointed at my cup. I handed it to him and he slugged it down, put the cup on the shelf, and then took my arm again.

  He looked around to confirm our privacy then changed before my eyes. He literally morphed. He was a young lady now with the same hair, eyes, and smell I remembered so well.

  She wore high-heeled boots, light blue jeans with studded pockets, and a ribbon belt and gold glitter top. She had on an open pea coat with a glittery pink cashmere scarf. She was nothing less than lovely and appeared to be about twenty-five years old.

  “Oh my God. Can you be real?”

  I nearly fainted as she wrapped her arms around me for support.

  “That’s why I grabbed you. You’re so emotional. Of course it’s me, silly. I look more the way I like. Before, I was looking and acting a bit older for you so you felt more comfortable. Now I don’t need to.”

  Once I was able to stand on my own, Aysel gave me a big sweet hug and a kiss on my cheek.

  “You feel real. I saw your withered old body, dead. I went to your funeral. Kissed your cold cheek.”

  “My poor Sevi, of course you did. That was just the body I occupied, like some clothing. You saw my true body age when I was in that casket. I stuck around a long time for you to be ready, sweetie. Now I’m free.”

  She flipped her hair back and adjusted her scarf. I breathed in her lavender and frankincense fragrance. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was solid and real. I glanced around; there was no one nearby, just an attendant putting discount labels on books at the front of the store. I touched Aysel’s hair.

  “Sevi. I am as real as you are right now, real in your limited sense of the word. We are all eternal. Just the body dies, like changing clothes. And once you figure it all out, you can have a body or not, in any form you want and you don’t have to grow it from scratch. I happen to have a particular attraction to this one for some reason. Like a favorite coat. It fits me.”

  She twirled around like a ballet dancer, but stumbled a bit, her boot sticking on the carpet. “Oops!”

  I caught her arm and kept her from falling.

  “Thanks.” She pulled me toward her and gave me another hug.

  “I love loving you. You’re so cute. Oh, and you did so well with the ugly homeless man, so proper, polite, and respectful. Nice bible quote, don’t you think? You looked stunned, though, I almost burst out laughing.” She giggled like a teenager.

  I laughed, too. “Aysel. You are something else.”

  “And you love me. Thanks, Sevi, I love you. So you think you’ll find the answers about me, Leyna, and the stone in the bookstore?”

  “What choice do I have? I thought it was the best way. Why? Is there another way?”

  “Silly Sevi, Silly Sevi, Silly Sevi, I did it! You try! Say ‘Silly Sevi’ three times fast, come on!”

  “Are you okay, Aysel?” She giggled again and stamped her feet. Some way for a Designated One to act, I thought.

  “You mean, was I smoking something? No, dear, I’m just high on life now. I’m so relieved to have brought you safely to this stage. When you get to my level, some may think you’re absolutely mad. This new world is so much fun for me after my sheltered early life. It makes me a little silly sometimes, though. Where was I?”

  “Silly Sevi.”

  “No, no, no…why did I say that?”

  “I thought you knew everything.”

  “Yes, I do, but why should I put forth the effort when I can ask you?”

  “I think you called me silly because I came here to learn.”

  “Ah, yes. Of course. You see, I’ll teach you everything you need to know. Alexander called it a download.”

  “Yes he did. So, how do I do this download?”

  “You do it however
you want. Do you want to be purged through white flames, jump into an abyss, or meet the seven gatekeepers? They can be really scary. Fun, though. Or, maybe a journey through the seven rings of cosmic consciousness, or a ride through a rainbow, or pass through the doors of knowledge.”

  Looking around the bookstore and then back at me with wide eyes, she pulled my head down and whispered, “The doors are pretty cool. They have ancient symbols that represent them and it’s pretty easy to pass in and out, since there isn’t usually any fear. I recommend the doors for a first pass. Of course, you could just be taught. There are many ways. What do you think? I’m game for anything, as you might have guessed.” Aysel laughed.

  I had to laugh with her, which made me feel connected to her again. “Aysel. You make me feel so good all the time. Even with this weird new age stuff you talk about.”

  “Sevi, not new age…old age…ancient, as a matter of fact. Get it right. The only reason no one thinks it’s old, is because the churches suppressed it for so long. They don’t want anyone to know these things because then they can’t control the people. So, you ready?”

  “Uh, I guess.”

  Aysel gave a final look around, wrapped my arm around her shoulders and put her arm around my waist. “Hang on, this will feel a little weird to you, being your first time, but no fear or it won’t work. Okay?”

  “How can I fear anything when I’m with —”

  Swoosh. I had a sensation as if my whole body vaporized. The molecules of my body spread apart and I seemed to dissipate into the air. I still had consciousness, though it seemed I shouldn’t. I felt like electricity: warm, glowing, blissful actually, as if I was a vibrating entity of sorts. Much like trying to describe a color, it’s difficult to articulate the sensation accurately.

  I was aware of Aysel with me, separate, but both as one. I felt loved and one with Aysel and with the books on the shelves and the person in front of the store and the sky above, which I saw as we flew up through the roof and toward the sun above the clouds.

  We flew at tremendous speed. In only seconds, we’d crossed the Atlantic. Then we slowed dramatically and flew beneath the parting cloud layer. Europe was below. I saw the boot of Italy as we approached. I could see Spain, France, and heading further north and west, Scotland.

  We swept lower and then flew at breakneck speed over the hillsides like a missile. We slowed and floated like a cloud. Then, ever so gently, we descended into what appeared to be a chapel. The heavy density of my body wrapped around me again. Back in form and shape, we stood there. I smelled Aysel, felt her arms holding me close, and I appreciated why one would want a body.

  “Yes, Sevi, so luscious is the form of the body, isn’t it?” Aysel said as she released me and stood facing me in all her loveliness. “You don’t know it until you leave and come back, like so many things. We need the dichotomy to perceive the differences. Love and hate, cold and hot, both ends of a spectrum. Not one would exist without the other nor would anything in between. All has to be, to perceive any. See?”

  “I think so. One can’t perceive pleasure without pain, and so on.”

  “Yes, very true. You have it. Evil is necessary for good to exist. All in life must balance out. The universe is the ultimate accountant with t-charts balancing the world. When one looks at life this way, there is no evil, just the opposing force of good. It simply is as it is, and as it should be, so the other end of it and all that is in between can exist.”

  I looked around the chapel. It appeared very old, adorned with unusual and elaborate symbols and stone workings. Stone faces stared at me from their places on the walls. Symbols and two knights riding on a single horse were illuminated by the sunlight on the stained glass window.

  I smelled, and felt, the age of the place. It was strangely imbued with some kind of energy. I looked at myself to see that I was still solid. I was. Aysel was patient as I took it all in and adjusted from our trip.

  “Sevi, this is built on an older site of the Mercury oracle. The Druids had this site originally. This building was privately constructed in the mid-fifteenth century, when the church was suppressing anything esoteric, since it was a threat to their control.

  “It is incomplete, as it has only the choir finished, but the information contained herein is much more than in any bookstore. However, it would take a lifetime, and maybe more, for a normal mortal to acquire the information. Gaining true knowledge, as opposed to gaining information, is done experientially. The best way to do that isn’t through logic.”

  “You mean, logically studying this building and its objects won’t work in obtaining this information?”

  “The information you could get using logic, over a lifetime of study is similar to reading books. Information only, isn’t what we want. We want knowledge, knowing. The knowing comes from the energy, the source within us and the source of the universe, which are both the same.” Aysel paused, allowing me to think it through.

  “Okay, so knowing comes from the source and happens experientially.”

  She smiled. “Yes, like sorcery, which means working with the source.”

  “Ah, makes sense. Go on. You’ve got my attention.”

  “This site is on an energy vortex and has the energy of the seventh and highest level. That’s why we’re here. You already have most of the knowing of the six previous developmental gates, or sites as it may be; you’ve gained them over your multiple lives. You had them in the 1400s when you were incarnated in human form then.

  “The reason you are who you are is from that knowing. From your experiences over many lives, prior even to the Sevilen in the painting. You are a very old soul. All you need now is to open to the seventh and your awareness of all the previous knowing will reestablish itself in your mortal form. You will then be who you are meant to be, the person you intended from the man in the old painting of yourself, the man with the raven-haired Lady Leyna, the woman from your dream.”

  “I’ve been around that long and have that much inside of me? This Leyna, too?” I took a deep breath.

  “Yes, and once you’ve passed through, you’ll be able to guide her to her destiny by your side as you intended so many years ago. You’ll then be a force for good in the universe, bringing the knowledge and lessons to others, raising the energy level of the planet as others like you do.”

  “Others like me?”

  “Yes, I am one, and there are many more, some rich in financial wealth and some not. It’s their choice as to how they want to work in this world. In any case, somewhere around a thousand of us right now.”

  “And they look normal and all?”

  “Don’t I look normal and all? Silly Sevi.” She stood on her toes and planted a kiss on me then giggled. “Do I have an extra eye on my forehead? I could if it would make you feel better. It would be so hard to apply makeup properly, though, don’t you think?”

  I stood in the damp chapel and looked at the walls again. Aysel continued to explain.

  “That face is the face of Cernunnos by one name, though he has others. He is the male aspect of God and represents the sun, motivation, power, and so on. He is a pagan entity. The ring you now wear on your left hand is of him. The Christians would recognize him as Satan. They stole him to create fear. Fear management you know. There are elements here from many religions, since all have their own way of representing the mysteries.

  “This is also a memorial to the Knights Templar, who protected the spiritual pilgrims on the path between Compostela, Spain, the first gate, and here at Rosslyn, the seventh gate. The two knights on horseback are a symbol of the brotherhood of the Templars.

  “This site was also built as a repository of the knowledge the Christians were in the habit of destroying, such as labeling Cernunnos as Satan, and killing off the Templars and anyone else they called heretic. But, all of this is just history.

  “What we will do today is couple you to that energy of the seventh gate so you can proceed with your duties. If you’re ready and comfo
rtable with it, I can start now. You decided to use the gate keeper and the fire method, correct?” Aysel was grinning, playing with me.

  “No, the doors.”

  Aysel snickered. “I know. Okay, we’ll go into the vault. Hold my hand.”

  I clasped her tiny hand in mine, felt her soft skin, and smelled her familiar smell. As the scents grew stronger around and inside of me, she looked into my eyes with her bright green eyes then closed them. Her eyelids fluttered a bit like butterflies, a rush of current went through me, and Aysel’s form dissolved, as did mine.

  I saw a profusion of colors around me and we passed through into a corridor. Aysel held my hand as we reformed into our bodies. We were standing in a stone tunnel. Brightly burning torches lit the passageway. I smelled the earthen floor and felt the dirt beneath my feet.

  “Wow! I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.”

  “Sevi, c’mon. You’ll get used to it. The energy matter translation can be disturbing, but it’s not much different than getting used to the feeling of true love when you haven’t had it. Like Leyna’s love you’ve already had a touch of.”

  “Yes, another powerful, unusual sensation. But that felt nicer than this. Changing back and forth between matter and energy makes my skin crawl.”

  “You’ll get used to it, my love, you will. Trust me again.”

  I turned from Aysel and looked down the corridor. The door was directly ahead of us. It was flanked by two enormous pillars, one of quartz and one of amethyst. They were incredible. I had never seen crystals this large anywhere.

  I counted the torches. There were seven. The door looked very similar to the one at the mansion that guarded the museum, but with different symbols on it. Aysel led me across the well-worn, dirt floor toward the last door.

  “Did everyone like us come through here? The floor is so well worn.”

  “Not all, as I said there are different methods. This is a popular one and thousands have been here over the centuries.”

  “Then why are there only about a thousand on earth now, if there were thousands through here before us?”

  “Like anything else, people get bored, so they move on to higher planes. If there were too many, the world would be out of balance as well, though a few more might be good these days.”

  We reached the door. It now appeared to be made of stone, not wood, but as I looked at it, it started to change. It glowed white, gold, and violet and was excruciatingly beautiful to behold. I was so small and insignificant next to the significance it seemed to have—like a crayon sketch next to the finest art in the world.

  It started to make sound. From my music lesson days, I thought the note was a very high B, and it was pure and unfettered as it emanated and filled my being. An image formed in the swirling colors of a lotus blossom with an uncountable number of petals. The smell of lavender and frankincense was overwhelming. I looked at Aysel and sniffed her hair.

  “Sevi, it isn’t perfume. I never wear perfume. You smell the source of the energy I’ve been using and we stand at its gate.” She squeezed my hand and looked back at the door. Images appeared that I didn’t recognize.

  Aysel narrated the images. “The European gods, Mercury, Hermes, African gods, Osiris, or Ausar, Olodumara, Indian gods, Shiva, and Varuna, they and more all come from this energy. They were Designated Ones like us, before they got bored.” The show continued, Aysel waved her hand before it and it went back to the colors.

  “We don’t need the full show, just the energy and the download.” Aysel laughed and let my hand go. She positioned me directly in front of the door and stood behind me.

  “Stay still and don’t get angry with me, though I know you can’t since you’re above that, but trust me, this is the easiest way to do this. Kinda like getting into a cold swimming pool.”

  The bottom of her boot poked into my butt as she literally shoved me through the doorway. I could hear her laugh as she did so. Then, I was lost.

  The sound was so loud it filled my being, but didn’t hurt. The light so bright, it should have vaporized me and maybe it did. I tried to bring my consciousness to perceive what was there, but it was overwhelming. It seemed to enter me through the top of my skull and my head was itching terribly there, if I had a head.

  I looked around and there was no way to perceive a direction, up, down, or back and forth, and I couldn’t see my way back. I should have panicked, but didn’t. I absorbed the trust and love Aysel always gave me. I stopped thinking for a moment. The sound quieted and the perfume lessened.

  I thought of my body, I now had one. I thought of my body as a child and I became it. I thought of my body as a woman and I was one. Whoa! I switched back to my normal body.

  I thought of Leyna. She was before me instantly. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I got lost in her. When I tried to understand what happened, she disappeared. I had thought of her and she was there. Could I create an object?

  I thought of an apple, one was now in my hand. I bit it. It was real, or appeared to be.

  I thought of stars and planets in a swirling universe and they were all around me. Did I create them, or did I go there? I wished them gone and the universe left. I thought of love and felt it completely. I thought of Aysel and being back with her again on the other side of the door.

  “Sevi, you’re such a quick learner. So, did you like being a woman? Do you like what you’re now capable of?” Aysel bubbled with excitement for me, her eyes were wide and her hands waved about holding her pink, glittery scarf as she bounced back and forth on her feet. So silly and childish. I smiled, and then thought about what had happened.

  I stood dumbfounded, lost in thought, the reality of it, if it was, was too incomprehensible. Not possible. This must have been another illusion. I stared blankly at Aysel as she danced, all excited and happy for me, unaware of my being lost in this illusion. She stopped dancing and pulled my head down to her.

  “This is it, baby, this is what it’s all about, and we are all creators. Gods. You created that universe and dissolved it as well. Your thoughts are reality.”

  “I created and dissolved a universe? How many billions of life forms were created and died? ”

  I perceived myself starting to dissolve again and I saw the stars and the planets. I was moving outwards and away. She placed her soft hands on my cheeks. Stroked my hair and my face with a motherly touch.

  I heard her inside my head as she embraced me and held me, yet the universe was flying past me at light speed. The enormity of this concept was too great. I left the galaxy as I sped toward some light way ahead.

  “Sevi! Come back. Don’t go, don’t get lost. Trust me. Aysel is here. Trust me. It’s okay. You can handle it. You are Sevilen. You have a job to do. You have a lover to save. You wanted to do this. It’s real and it’s okay. Leyna needs you to help her. I love you, Sevilen. Come back!”

  I was floating with Aysel somewhere. I was shaking with the thought of it all. It was too much. I wasn’t good enough for this. Her voice whispered in my head with soothing violin music playing gently in the background.

  “Sevi, you have another god to bring forward. She’s your love. She needs you and she needs your help.”

  Aysel was trying to keep my attention, to keep me from drifting away. My body had mass again. Human senses established themselves. The touch of her hand. Aysel’s arms embraced me like a mother. She kissed and hugged me. Her love filled me as she brought my attention back to her and to us. I fell fast asleep, exhausted.

  “Sevi, hun, let’s go home.” I saw Aysel as she stroked my hair and lay on her side.

  “Oh my God. I created and destroyed a universe.”

  “Sevilen, you make too much of this. First, we aren’t simple base humans anymore, and the rules don’t apply. There is no jealousy or greed, anger or hate in this world of ours. We are gods, creators, free to create and make the universe as we see fit; to create love or hate, death or growth.”

  “I can’t d
o this. It’s too much. You should have just let me go.”

  “I will never let you go. Fortunately, your humanness felt me and came back when you were drifting away. If you hadn’t come back now, it would’ve taken centuries for you to want to come back, if ever. Then you’d have had to reincarnate into a baby, like you did this time. If I’d lost you, it would’ve been centuries before you and Leyna were on the earth plane again. Nevertheless, you made it back to me. Be proud of that.”

  Aysel stroked my hair as she spoke. Tears ran down her cheeks. “I had to bring you back and being human was the best way to do it. Human touch heals and love makes all things well. The bridge between universal consciousness and personal consciousness is love, the fourth gate. You know this now, think about it with your engineer’s brain and your new knowingness. Your knowledge is complete now, so allow it to enter your physical consciousness.”

  I stared at her dumfounded. She continued to take me through it.

  “You’re here now, right? You’re alive in human form and able to do as you wish—a god on this earth. I am the same. We are one and the same; we are the same energy and force. You couldn’t disappear and leave Leyna, she needs you, and you both want to be together. I want you to find all your dreams, whether from this life, or your past ones.”

  Aysel sat cross-legged before me. She wiped her eyes and smiled.

  “I just need to get used to this new knowledge and perspective. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for keeping me around so I can help Leyna. Yeah, let’s go home.”

  We stood and brushed the dirt off our clothes. I removed the stone from my pocket and it was alive with color and vibration.

  I thought of wearing a tuxedo and I was. I thought of Aysel wearing a short violet and white, lace and satin dress, with gold, strappy high heels, like she likes, and she was.

  “Very nice, Sevi. Thank you.” Aysel kissed me and took my hand.

  The new abilities brought a smile to my face. Any engineer would love to have paranormal abilities. This could be interesting. I put the stone in my pocket.

  “Sevi, lead the way. You can drive now.”

  I made Boccherini play for us in our minds.

  “Nice touch. I never thought of traveling music,” Aysel said, followed by another giggle.

  I wrapped a sheer white shawl with long gold threads at the edges over Aysel’s shoulders, and then wrapped my arm around her.

  My skin crawled and we were off. We didn’t go home yet, though. I wanted to celebrate with my great grandmother.

  We went to Paris.