Fml

  I held the cigar box in my hands, trying to imagine what secrets Cassie had entrusted to its heavy, well-constructed protection. Clearly there was something inside that Eli wanted me to see, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to violate Cassie’s trust. If I opened the lid and peered inside, whatever precious things she’d placed there wouldn’t belong solely to Cassie any longer. They’d belong to me, too, and I hadn’t earned that right.

  But my curiosity won out. I justified it by telling myself that I was opening Cassie’s box of secrets only in order to help her.

  When I opened the lid, I was immediately disappointed. Instead of a treasure trove of artifacts, I saw only junk. “What is this crap?” I asked, picking through some movie ticket stubs and a dirty coin and a pack of jam.

  Eli picked up the blueberry jam. “This is from our first date. IHOP. Lame, I know, but Cassie wanted French toast more than life. We kept trying to talk, but the waiter wouldn’t leave us alone. Cassie sent him on errands to keep him out of our hair, one of which was to find blueberry jam. It bought us five amazing minutes.” Eli dropped the packet back in the box and motioned at me to keep digging.

  I didn’t see the point. “Great. Cassie kept some jam from your first date. Woo-hoo.” Eli frowned at me as I picked through the trash. A tarnished silver cross, a pressed daisy, a USB drive, a water-stained picture of her grandmother. I was about to give up and return the cigar box to the closet when I spied a wrinkled slip of paper at the bottom. It was familiar and my hand gravitated to it, touching it without conscious thought.

  “You know what that is,” Eli said solemnly. He sounded like a man who, having completed his task, could finally rest.

  I did know what the paper was. Or rather, what my brain thought it was. Because it couldn’t really be that. Finding this paper in this box along with other things that Cassie had attached some sort of sentimental value to was like finding buried treasure.

  I pulled the paper from the box and unfolded it. The scorecard was divided into two columns, just like I remembered. Cassie’s name was written over one column and mine was scrawled over the other, in Cassie’s messy script. The Pirate Chang’s Booty and Mini-Golf logo was displayed in bold at the top and our scores were tallied at the bottom. Cassie had drawn a goofy smiley face next to my miracle shot at the eighteenth hole.

  “Cassie kept this?”

  “Obviously,” Eli said.

  All that time I’d spent pining for Cassie, thinking that she didn’t remember that night, she’d kept the scorecard in her memory box. My mind raced with the possibilities. Clearly, Eli had been wrong. Cassie hadn’t gone on a pity date with me. It had meant something to her. The proof was that she’d kept the scorecard. I couldn’t help wondering how often she’d taken it out to look at and dream of what might have happened if I’d had the balls to kiss her when I should have. How our lives might have been different if Cassie and I had gotten together instead of Cassie and Eli.

  And then I knew. I knew how I could show Cassie that I loved her, how I could turn a paper clip into a kiss.

  “I have to get out of here,” I said. I scrambled to my feet, accidentally dumping the contents of the cigar box to the carpet, but still clutching the scorecard. The effects of the rum hit me all at once. The room tilted, or I did, but everything was moving and I lost my balance, saved from falling back on my ass by the wall.

  Eli watched me with curiosity. I didn’t know whether he found my clumsiness funny or whether he was simply too inebriated to help me, but he maintained his position on the floor.

  “What’re you going to do?” Eli asked. His voice was clearer, no longer slurred.

  I told Eli my plan. I hadn’t worked everything out yet but I had the seed of an idea. Something had happened to Cassie, something bad. Whatever that was had turned her world upside down, causing her to act like a bizarro version of herself and spin out of control. All I had to do was give her something solid she could latch onto. I had to show her that I wasn’t like other boys. That I would always be there for her. Once she knew that I really loved her, she could tell me what was wrong and we could sort it out and be together. The plan was brilliant in its simplicity. I’d been an idiot before. Of course telling Cassie I loved her wasn’t enough. I had to show her. And thanks to Eli, I finally knew how.

  When I’d finished, Eli stood up, steadying himself on the bed. “You think it’ll work?”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  He patted my shoulder and said, “Then go get her, champ.”

  There was something different about Eli now. Something had changed, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And truthfully, I was so busy trying to work out how to put my new plan into action that Eli could have been holding up a giant sign and I would have missed it.

  “How do I get out of here?” I asked, looking at the broken doorknob. My brain was swimming in rum and it was difficult to line up my thoughts. They kept colliding and mixing and falling apart. I reached for the knob, but Eli grabbed the collar of my shirt and spun me around.

  “Window,” he said, pointing.

  This suggestion seemed perfectly logical. Surely, if anyone had experience entering and exiting through Cassie’s bedroom window, it was Eli Horowitz. He even undid the lock and opened it for me.

  “Yeah?” I asked. Eli nodded.

  The fresh air felt good on my face and I popped my head out to take a look. There was a tree within easy reach with scuff marks on the closest branch from recent use.

  There was no part of me that thought this was a bad idea, and I can only blame so much of that on alcohol. In reality, my judgment was clouded by the brilliance of my plan to win Cassie’s love. Hell, if Eli had told me I was capable of stepping into the air and floating to the ground, I probably would have believed it. Okay, maybe I wasn’t that stupid, but pretty close.

  I was scared, but I kept repeating that if Eli could climb down the tree, then so could I. With one steadying breath, I mounted the windowsill and reached for the nearest branch. The bark was rough, but I had a good grip, so I held on tight and stepped out.

  Instead of finding solid footing, I misjudged the distance and my shoe found only air. I panicked and let go.

  One moment I was hanging on to the tree and the next I was on my back feeling like a thousand angry midgets had beaten me with tiny hammers.

  Eli leaned out the window and said, “Sucker.”

  Reality Bites

  I hid with Stella in Cassie’s bathroom with the lights off and the door almost closed while Eli Fucking Horowitz moved around on the other side, only one thin piece of wood away from discovering me looking like a gang of color-blind drag queens had given me a drive-by makeover. I’d been stupid to trust Stella. If I could have magicked myself out of the bathroom, I would have abandoned her and never spoken to her again.

  Instead I waited for Eli to see the note on the mirror telling him to put on the handcuffs and blindfold we’d left on the bed, praying that he wouldn’t just barge into the bathroom and end the whole crazy charade.

  “What the hell?” Eli stopped moving around in the bedroom and I could only assume that he’d seen the instructions on the mirror. I was too petrified to look through the crack in the door to find out for sure.

  “I’m not in the mood for games, Cass,” Eli said. “Some dog pissed on my jeans. You said we’d finish talking when you got back from the bathroom. So, come out of there and let’s talk.”

  The plan was failing. Eli wasn’t putting on the handcuffs or the blindfold. I looked at Stella to see what else she had up her sleeve, but even in the dark I could tell that her bag of tricks was empty. She’d expected Eli to comply and hadn’t prepared for any contingencies.

  “No,” I said in my best Cassie voice. I sounded like a Muppet but hoped my one-word impression would fool Eli.

  I pictured Eli standing there in his piss-soaked jeans, wondering how his life had come to arguing with his ex-girlfriend through a door about putting on handcuffs and a blindfold.
If it had been me, I would have jumped into the metal bracelets, but Eli was made of stronger stuff. Or so I thought.

  Eli Horowitz sighed so heavily that I heard it over the sound of Stella’s breathing and the sound of the metal cuffs jingling. It was the sound of defeat. That sound should have made me happy, but something about this whole situation felt wrong.

  “I love you,” Eli said. He leaned against the wall next to the bathroom door. His voice carried through the crack like he was standing in the dark with us. “Remember your birthday last year? When I made us a picnic basket and we drove to Naples to watch the sun set over the ocean? You told me you loved me for the first time. Then we drove home and watched the sun rise over the ocean by my house. I told you I never wanted any other girl.”

  This wasn’t Eli Fucking Horowitz. He wasn’t some piece of debris cast from the side of Cassie’s life, left to drift rudderless in a cold sea of apathy. This was the Eli who opened his heart to the girl he loved. This was the side of himself that he showed only to Cassie. Stella and I were thieves, picking through the bones of Eli and Cassie’s private memories.

  “I meant that, Cass,” he said. “I still mean it. Whatever’s going on with you, we can face it together. If you want me to play some stupid game with handcuffs and whatever, I’ll do it.”

  There was so much honesty woven into Eli’s simple declarations. He wasn’t a guy just trying to get back together with a girl, willing to say anything to make it happen. He meant every single word he said. The depth of his feelings for Cassie made me question my own, which were based on a long-distance obsession and one night that had happened so far in the past that I wasn’t sure she even remembered it. I’d never before doubted my feelings for Cassie and I didn’t like it. The difference between Eli and me, though, was that while he and Cassie had a million perfect memories, Cassie and I had a future. A possible future—something Cassie had made clear she did not have or want with Eli.

  “Do it,” I said, my Cassie voice strong and hard. I still felt guilty doing this to Eli, but he’d had his chance.

  Eli sighed again. It was the heavy, weary sigh of a man who didn’t have much left to give. “Fine,” he said. “But after that, we talk.”

  The cuffs rattled like chains as Eli put one end on his wrist and attached the other end to the wrought-iron bedframe. He could have easily faked it, but I had to trust that his devotion to Cassie would keep him honest. Though he and I were completely different people, we shared our love for Cassie. A love that would make a man dress like a woman or put on handcuffs and a blindfold.

  Stella grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and I squeezed back, trying not to show her how sick this whole thing made me. I could justify it all I wanted—and I did—but deep down I knew what we were doing was wrong. Nothing was going to stop me from making a play for his girl, but Eli deserved to see me coming. Only I knew, as Stella must have too, that if I locked horns with Eli, I would lose.

  “Done,” he said. “Are you gonna tell me what’s going on now?”

  “What’s next?” I whispered into Stella’s ear.

  Stella leaned in so that we were cheek to cheek. It sent a tingle down my arm and I shivered. “Now’s your chance, big boy.”

  “For what?”

  “You wanted to hook up with Eli, right?”

  “What?” I said so loud that I feared Eli had heard. If Stella was joking, she hid it expertly.

  “No? Then I guess we should leave and go get the girl.” That was Stella’s plan.

  All I had to do was walk out of the room, find Cassie, and tell her that I loved her. I’d have to change first, obviously, but with Eli sidelined, there was nothing standing in my way. Stella had done as promised and given me my chance. I still wasn’t comfortable with the manner in which she’d gone about it or the part I’d played in her twisted game, but I couldn’t deny the results.

  Scared of what Stella might do if I hesitated any longer, I opened the bathroom door and walked out. The light was blinding after standing so long in the dark, but my eyes adjusted and I saw Eli sitting in his boxers in the middle of Cassie’s bed with one arm appearing to hang in the air as if by an invisible thread. He was so pathetic that the wrongness of our perverse scheme socked me in the gut. Stella pushed past me and darted out into the hallway.

  “If you’re gonna leave me like this,” Eli said, “the least you can do is give me one last kiss.” I remembered the days and weeks following my failed date with Cassie as I spent countless hours dissecting the details with Coop. I’d been beyond heartbroken. Back then, especially after I’d found out that Eli and Cassie were going out, I’d believed that my heart was beyond repair. That’s how Eli sounded now. He could have torn off his blindfold and looked Cassie right in the eyes, but there wasn’t enough fight left in him for even something that simple. He couldn’t bear the thought of looking at his girl and not seeing his love returned.

  Which is why I took two steps toward the bed, leaned forward, and kissed Eli lightly on the lips. Despite the fact that he was my mortal enemy, I couldn’t abandon him handcuffed and blindfolded, believing that Cassie didn’t care. There wasn’t any rational thought behind my decision; I just did it.

  What I didn’t expect was for Eli to use his free hand to pull me in for more than a peck. He kissed me full on, sliding his tongue into my mouth like he must have done to Cassie a million times. The moment he realized something wasn’t right—maybe it was my stubble or the fact that I’d forgotten to put the wig back on or even that my lips weren’t as soft as Cassie’s—Eli shoved me back. I slammed into the wall, stunned and breathless.

  “What the fuck?” he yelled. He tore off the blindfold and blinked, the light blinding him. “Who the hell are you?” The resignation, regret, and despair that had gripped him to the core of his being disappeared, replaced by a fury that scared the shit out of me. The only thing that saved me from certain dismemberment was Stella’s handcuffs.

  I came to my senses and ran for the door. But before I left Eli shackled to the bed, I turned around so that he’d know that I was the engineer of his downfall. “I’m sorry about this, Eli,” I said, surprised that I meant it. “But you had your chance.” I slammed the door shut behind me, hoping that if Eli called for help, no one would be able to hear him over the sound of DJ Leo’s music.

  Stella ran through a pair of double doors near the top of the stairs and I followed her, not caring what room it was so long as it was empty. She shut the doors behind us and fell to the floor laughing so hard that she couldn’t speak for an entire minute.

  “Fuck you,” I said, aiming all my ire at her.

  I took a moment to catch my breath and get my bearings. The octagonal room was covered in pictures of the Castillo family. Cassie and her parents in Spain, in the Keys, at Disney. These were summer trips and Christmas trips and just-because trips. I followed the photos, watching Cassie grow from an awkward child into the self-assured girl I loved. Eli featured in some of the newest family photos, but I mentally photoshopped myself over his grinning image. When I hit the end of the Castillo photo parade, I nearly ran into an intimidating oak desk. I would have expected Mr. Castillo’s office to be tidy and neat, but papers were scattered across the surface of the desk in a chaotic pattern.

  “You making out with Cassie’s ex was never part of my plan,” Stella said like she was continuing an argument I hadn’t been aware we were having. “You improvised that bit on your own.” She picked herself up off the floor and hopped around the room, a fountain of manic energy.

  “Your plan sucked balls.” I stood at one of the floor-to-ceiling windows. There was too much light to see the stars, but they were out there and I wished on them that I’d never met Stella Nash, that I’d stayed out by the beach and drowned myself in the ocean. At least I wouldn’t have been hiding out in Mr. Castillo’s office, wearing Mrs. Castillo’s clothes, trying to wipe the salty taste of Eli Horowitz off my tongue. I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, not caring if th
e whole world saw my Superman underwear.

  “This wasn’t a joke to me, Stella. It was important.” Even though I knew that none of this was Stella’s fault, I was still annoyed. What we did to Eli wasn’t cool. Stella didn’t know these people, though. To her, it was all fun and games. But I should have known better, and that’s what annoyed me the most.

  Stella sat down across from me. She pulled a bottle of water from her seemingly bottomless purse and took a swig before handing it to me. I accepted. Grudgingly.

  “What’s so special about Cassie anyway?” she asked. “She’s a good kisser, but so are lots of girls, probably. What makes her worth all this trouble?”

  “You wouldn’t understand,” I said.

  “I am pretty dense. Try me anyway.”

  Stella stared at me with eyes so big they could eat my soul. In another world, one where I’d never known Cassandra Castillo, I could imagine liking Stella Nash. Except I didn’t live in that world. So when I looked into Stella’s ingenuous eyes, I saw only my own painted, pathetic face staring back at me.

  “I have to get out of these clothes,” I said. “I have to find Cassie before Eli Houdinis himself out of those cuffs.”

  Right. I didn’t have any clothes to change into. There was no way that I was going to run through the house in a skirt and risk being sexually assaulted by Blaise again.

  “Ben’s bringing your clothes,” Stella said as she sent a message from her phone. When she was done, she folded her hands in her lap. With nothing to do but wait, I found myself needing Stella to understand why Cassie was so important, why all this—even the skirt—was worth it.

  “Cassie isn’t the prettiest girl at Rendview High, but when she smiles at you, it’s like the big bang. An entire universe explodes from her lips and forms around you.” The memories of Cassie were like bullets whizzing by my head. Any one of them could have taken me out, but once I began telling Stella about her, I couldn’t stop.

  “We were lab partners freshman year. I don’t know what made me think I could ask her out. For guys like me, it’s not like in the movies. In real life, geeks never get the girls. They get friend-zoned into oblivion. They get cock blocked by better men. Footballers with muscle and money and shots at living extraordinary lives. But I was ignorant of the rules that were designed to keep me in my place. No one had ever shown me the way the world really worked. Back then, we were all so perfect, filled with limitless potential. Know what I mean?”