Elise and the Gold Gloop

Smorg barked, it was loud and echoed around the tunnel.

  “Right, that’s it.” said the man and lunged forward with his cudgel raised.

  Elise didn’t even think. She drew her sword and swung it in a short, fast arc. It hit the man’s arm as he brought the cudgel down towards Smorg’s head. There was a flash and the man was thrown backwards against the wall then slipped down in a heap. Everyone went quiet.

  “That was amazing.” said Cribbins.

  “Um, yes well done Elise.” said Tea.

  “Spank!” said Smorg and grinned.

  “How did you do that?” asked a small voice behind them. They all turned to see the tiny man staring at the unconscious bully.

  “I am a Bellatrix of the Dawn Star.” said Elise, “That’s the sort of thing we do.” She wasn’t quite sure that was right, but Auntie Callie said she should believe in herself.

  “Well if you can do that, perhaps you can help us. I’m Dai Shovel by the way, you can call me Dai.”

  “Pleased to meet you Dai -”

  “Never say die!”

  “Pardon?” said Elise now confused.

  “Sorry, just a little joke.” said Dai. “Come along and meet the rest of us. We call ourselves Mini Miners.”

  Well at least that made sense thought Elise.

  They followed Dai Shovel through the precise, smooth tunnels.

  “This here is your classic arched tunnel.” said Dai and gestured with his arm. “Very popular back in the day. We tend towards the Vernacular these days; cornices, alcoves and a pointed arch. Course, this here is good solid granite, excellent for your classic tunnel, hardly any Gloop at all.

  As we get into the newer tunnels, you’ll see how we changed style to cope with Gloop in the rock. Mostly limestone around there too; softer, can’t hold a flat arch.”

  “So Gloop is a problem?” asked Elise.

  “Oh yes. Soft isn’t it. Can’t make a wall out of Gloop, it just flows away. Have to get it out and fill the gap. Or make into a window or alcove. Some big patches mean we make a tunnel where we didn’t really want one.”

  “What do you do with all the Gloop you take out of the walls?” asked Elise.

  “We dispose of it, terrible stuff, stains something rotten. And you mustn’t mix it up. Strange things happen when you mix it up, got to keep each colour in its own tank.”

  “What happens when the tank gets full?”

  “We open the tap and it goes away.” said Dai Shovel.

  “Where does it go?”

  “Don’t know. Lord Porridge takes care of that.”

  The light was brighter here and the roof arch was steeper and pointed. They turned a corner and saw daylight streaming into the corridor.

  “Have to be a bit careful here, you biguns are easy to spot. You’ll have to crawl. Follow me and keep hidden.” said Dai.

  Crawling on their hands and knees Elise, Cribbins and Tea left the tunnel and followed Dai Shovel into a beautiful garden. Smorg walked normally, he was closer to the ground. As they crawled along, behind bushes and hedges, Elise marvelled at the view.

  The garden stepped down in five wide, flat terraces to a lake at the bottom. Each terrace had gardens and small sheds. There was a huge wall around the whole garden, reminding Elise of Porridge Castle, which she could see in the hazy distance a long way below. This made no sense to Elise, as they were underneath it just a moment ago.

  “I know it seems a bit strange being up here in the Dogtooth Mountains, after leaving the Mines. Never worked it out myself, but there you go.” said Dai Shovel. “If you look over there you can see those miserable louts from Gruel village.”

  Elise could see a row of dirty tents on a lower terrace with a group of scruffy men lounging about. Some were playing cards, others seemed to be sleeping. They looked bored.

  “Who are they?” asked Tea.

  “I’ll tell you once we get to the Hop plants. You can hide there.”

  Elise, Cribbins, Tea and Smorg sat in a circle between the rows of green bushy plants that towered above them. The smell was lovely.

  “What are these plants?” asked Elise.

  “Hops.” said Dai, “We use them to make beer. Mind you there’s little of that left, what with them drinking it all, barrels and barrels of it. They’ve eaten all the food too. Greedy, great lumps that they are.”

  “Hello my love.” said a high pitched voice.

  A Mini Miner stepped out of the hops. Elise assumed it was a woman as she wore a dark green dress and headscarf.

  Dai Shovel swept her up in his arms, swung her around and kissed her.

  “How did it go Dai?” asked the tiny woman.

  “Not well. I got caught almost straight away, hardly managed to shift anything. Then these biguns, excuse me, these ladies and gentlemen came by and knocked that lout Oatmeal Bill right on his-“

  “Now Dai, no need for rough language.”

  “Sorry my love.”

  “Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

  “Oh yes, sorry, forgetting my manners. This is err…”

  “I’m Elise and this is my dog Smorg. That’s Tea, Lord Porridge’s son and this is Cribbins.”

  “Please to meet you.” said the tiny woman. “I’m Pitboss Annie. I’m in charge here or I was before this strike. Now I don’t think anyone is in charge. We have to do as we’re told, but they don’t look after anything. It’s a bit worrying.”

  “Who are they?” asked Elise.

  “We don’t really know. We think they come from Gruel village. Oatmeal Bill is the leader or at least they do what he says.”

  “Can someone explain what’s going on here?” asked Tea.

  “Well, it’s a long story.” said Dai.

  “Start at the beginning love.” said Pitboss Annie.

  Elise and the others listened as Dai Shovel told them the tale.

  One day, there was banging on the huge door to the gardens. Someone went all the way to the Key Room and fetched the big iron key and unlocked the door. Oatmeal Bill and about ten others were on the other side. They said they were mine inspectors and the Mini Miners believed them.

  Once they were inside, everything changed. Oatmeal Bill told the Mini Miners that they had to go on strike and own the Beans of Production, so that everything was fair. Well, Mini Miners believe in fairness and so they agreed. They didn’t realise was this meant no more mining. When they complained Oatmeal Bill told them a little bit of misery now would make everything right in the end.

  “And that was weeks ago.” said Dai, “Now if we try to get in the Mines, they call us scabs and lock us up.”

  “Why do you make such big tunnels?” asked Cribbins. “I mean you’re only little.”

  “Tunnels have always been that size. Tradition isn’t it.” said Dai.

  “That’s right.” said Pitboss Annie.

  “If you made them small then no-one could catch you.” said Cribbins, “Even if you just made small tunnels between the big tunnels, no one could keep up, as they would have to go the long way round.”

  Dai and Pitboss Annie looked stunned. They looked at each other. Pitboss Annie slowly nodded. “Yes, that would work. What do you think my love?”

  “It’s brilliant.” shouted Dai and started dancing around. “Why didn’t we think of it? Let’s get started straight away. We could have all the main tunnels cross linked in no time.”

  “What about the biguns?” asked Pitboss Annie.

  “Oatmeal Bill is spark out and the others are down there lazing about as usual.”

  “Then let’s do it.” said Pitboss Annie with a big grin on her face.

  “While you do that, we’ll look for Lord Porridge.” said Elise.

  “No need to look for him.” said Dai, “He’s locked in storage room in the Mines. They call it Arbitration. They won’t let him out until he hands over the Beans of Production, whatever they are.”

  “Can you
show us where?” asked Tea.

  “Of course, come on it’s not far.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “It’s just round this corner.” said Dai Shovel.

  Tea rushed forward.

  “Father, are you in there?” said Tea, pushing his face up to the small, barred window in the wooden door.

  “Hello? Who’s that?” said a gentle voice.

  “It’s me, father, Tea.”

  “Ah, good chap. Jolly good show. Don’t suppose there’s a key in the door?” asked Lord Porridge.

  “No, sorry.” said Tea.

  “Try the Key Room. We keep all the keys to the Mines in there.”

  “I’ll go. Won’t be long.” said Dai and ran off down the corridor.

  “Why did they lock you up?” asked Tea.

  “Quite a long story that.” said Lord Porridge, “Something about production, couldn’t quite understand. They wanted gold. Offered them the Crown, but when I explained it was wood covered in gold leaf they got a bit miffed. Seemed to think we have gold hanging around the place. Daft if you ask me.”

  “Don’t worry father, we’ll soon have you out of there.”

  “Oh no you won’t” said a loud voice behind them.

  They turned round to see Oatmeal Bill and all the men from the gardens standing at the end of the corridor.

  Suddenly Elise was angry. These rude men had locked up Lord Porridge and terrorised the Mini Miners all for gold that they didn’t deserve. Well, she wasn’t going to stand for it.

  “Look, there’s that brat that hit me.” said Oatmeal Bill.

  Elise started walking towards the men, even though her legs felt wobbly.

  “You said it was a six foot warrior in shining armour?” said one of the others.

  “Shut your trap.” shouted Oatmeal Bill. “Now lets get this sorted. You lot grab them.” None of the ruffians moved.

  Elise pulled her sword out of its sheath and held it up high.

  “She’s got a sword.” said one of them.

  “Never mind that, just grab them.” said Oatmeal Bill.

  Smorg barked.

  “And there’s a dog.” said another. “Never said nuffin' about dogs. Just little miners you said. Easy like, you said.”

  “Stop acting like a bunch of little girls and get them.” Oatmeal Bill pulled out his cudgel and strode forward; the rest followed.

  “You’re for it this time girlie.” snarled Oatmeal Bill.

  Elise stood waiting with Smorg at one side and Cribbins the other. She felt like running away crying, but she clenched her teeth and thought about who to hit first.

  The ruffians came running with Oatmeal Bill in the lead. At the last moment Elise swung back on her heel and Oatmeal Bill stumbled past. She hit him on the back with her sword. There was a flash and he fell in a heap.

  Smorg leapt up barking and a ruffian fell down. Cribbins was grabbed by the arm and Elise leapt forward and struck his attacker on the shoulder. Flash and he collapsed. Elise wasn’t sure she was allowed to hit grown men, but carried on anyway. She struck left and right, hitting as many as she could. There were five bodies on the ground and the rest started backing away.

  “Get them.” screamed Elise and charged. Smorg ran with her barking wildly and Cribbins tried to keep up.

  The men turned and ran. Elise stopped. She was panting and for some reason crying too. Then she started laughing.

  “Go on. Run. Run away and never come back.” shouted Elise.

  “Cowards.” yelled Cribbins.

  “Mmm.” mumbled Smorg and spat out a large piece of dirty cloth.

  They tied up Oatmeal Bill and the other ruffians and waited for them to wake up. Dai returned with a bunch of keys and Lord Porridge was released.

  “Well done everybody.” said Lord Porridge when he saw Oatmeal Bill and the others tied up.

  “Wasn’t everybody.” said Cribbins. “Tea just stood there and watched.”

  “Well, it isn’t really our sort of thing, fighting with common criminals.” said Lord Porridge. “That’s best left to those accustomed to it.”

  Cribbins looked like he was going to say something, so Elise trod on his foot.

  “Ow!” yelled Cribbins, “That armour of yours is really hard.”

  “I was wondering about that. Not your usual sort of get up.” said Lord Porridge

  “Yes, your lordship.” said Elise. “Auntie Callie gave it me.”

  “Did she now. Always interfering is Calliefragalistic, seems to think I’m an idiot. Can’t think where she got that from.”

  Elise had an idea, but kept it to herself, after all Lord Porridge could get her home.

  “Can you tell us what happened Lord Porridge.” asked Elise.

  “I suppose you deserve some explanation, after all you did save the day. I went to the Map Tower to get a map to the Secret Tower. There’s a lift there you see, comes out in the Mines. Course, the map was blank. Can’t have a Secret Tower if anyone knows where it is.

  “Then I remembered I had some blue Gloop left in the workshop. So I popped back and used to transport myself into the terraced gardens. Went there as a boy, have to visit the place before you can transport yourself there, don’t you know. Then these ruffians,” He pointed to Oatmeal Bill and his cronies. “Grabbed me and threw me in here. They called it negotiation; sounded more like demanding gold with menaces to me. That was days ago. Now who are these chaps?” said Lord Porridge looking over Elise’s shoulder.

  Behind Elise was a large group of Mini Miners. At the front were Dai Shovel and Pitboss Annie holding hands.

  “And what do you do?” asked Lord Porridge.

  “We’re the Mini Miners, your Lordship.” said Pitboss Annie.

  “Jolly good, well done.” said Lord Porridge and peered around at the walls. “And… Um… you do all this do you?” He waved his arm around.

  “That we do.” said Dai Shovel.

  There was a groan and everyone turned to look at the men tied up on the floor.

  Oatmeal Bill was the first to wake up. He shook his head and stared at Elise.

  “You little –“

  “Don’t you dare swear in my mine!” shouted Pitboss Annie.

  “Right, that’s enough of this nonsense.” said Oatmeal Bill, “We, the workers, are taking control of the Beans of Production.”

  “And just when did you do any work.” shouted Dai Shovel.

  “What?” asked Smorg.

  “All this, the Mines, we are taking over. No snobby lord has the right to own the Mines. No one has the right.” said Oatmeal Bill.

  “So how come you have the right to take over?” shouted one of the Mini Miners.

  “Coz we are the workers. We’re all together.”

  “Not with you we ain’t.” yelled another Mini Miner, “Never lift a finger you don’t. Not one rock have you carried, bigun.”

  “Yeah.” shouted another, “We Mini Miners don’t need you. And you can’t push us around anymore. We have mini tunnels now.”

  “You don’t understand.” said Oatmeal Bill, “This is proper. We all control what happens. If his lah-di-dah lordship wants Gloop then he has to pay for it with gold.”

  “Oh, and who gets the gold?” asked Smorg, who was enjoying himself.

  “We all do.”

  “Yeah. Right.” said Pitboss Annie.

  “And what are we going to do with gold?” asked Dai Shovel. “It’s useless. Too soft for picks and shovels, and it melts on the fire.”

  “It’s pretty.” said Pitboss Annie.

  “Not as pretty as you my love.” said Dai Shovel.

  “That’s quite enough.” shouted Lord Porridge. “Let’s chop his head off.”

  “What! You can’t do that.” said Elise, who was quite shocked.

  “Oh, I think that’s the right sort of thing to do. What do you miner chappies think?”

  The Mini Miners cheered and high
pitched shouts of “off with their heads” echoed through the tunnels.

  “Jolly good. Fetch an axe someone.”

  Elise decided that this had gone far enough. She drew her sword and stepped forward. Oatmeal Bill cringed, but Elise just cut the ropes binding his legs.

  “I’d get out while you still can.” said Elise.

  Oatmeal Bill scrambled to his feet and ran down the corridor towards the terraced gardens. Elise freed the other men and they ran after Oatmeal Bill.

  “I am so glad you did that.” said Lord Porridge. “I could never have gone through with it. Let’s hope they believe I would. Last we shall see of them I expect.”

  “Can we go home now?” asked Smorg.

  “Good idea.” said Lord Porridge. Now where’s that lift?”

  “Ain’t no lift in these mines.” said Dai Shovel.

  “Ah I see. Still secret then.” said Lord Porridge and sighed. “Well, I suppose we’ll have to walk.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Elise said goodbye to Dai Shovel and Pitboss Annie and they all walked down the steps to the next terrace. There was a loud pop and Auntie Callie appeared from nowhere.

  “Ah, there you are.” she said smiling.

  Elise smelt something familiar again, she just couldn’t place it. This time there was another smell.

  “Mmm, gravy.” said Smorg.

  “Quite.” said Auntie Callie. “Now be quiet dog.”

  “Calliefragalistic, how pleasant.” said Lord Porridge.

  “Oh, do be quiet Bowlov.” said Auntie Callie, “You should’ve sorted all this out ages ago. You’re meant to be in charge you know. Now my dear Elise, the Gloop is flowing again, so I can get you home.”

  “Really?” said Elise happily.

  “Home?” said Smorg and barked.

  “Yes, really. Are you ready?”

  “What now?” asked Elise.

  “Yes child, right now. Say your goodbyes.”

  Elise hugged Cribbins and shook Tea’s hand. She wasn’t sure if she was meant to curtsey, so she just said goodbye to Lord Porridge.

  “Now remember, when you get back you’ll be covered in Porridge Castle magic. Things may be a little strange for a few hours until it wears off.” said Auntie Callie.

  “Yes Auntie.” said Elise. She was really excited to be going home at last.

  “And one last thing I forgot to mention. As a Bellatrix of the Dawn Star, you’re also an honorary Princess of Porridge. Isn’t that right Bowlov?”