Ex-Mas

  How on earth would she ever explain all of that away?

  Lila looked up as her mother stepped toward her, her face smooth and her eyes bright. She gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek, then smiled.

  What?

  "Hello, Beau," Mrs. Beckwith said. Was that warmth Lila heard in her mother's voice?

  "Hi, Mrs. Beckwith," Beau said at once, scrupulously polite. He nodded at Lila's father. "Sir. Merry Christmas"

  "Merry Christmas!" Lila's mother said happily, while Mr.

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  Beckwith only nodded in return from his spot on the couch. He stretched out his legs on the ottoman and linked his hands behind his head, giving everyone a perfect view of his No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer T-shirt, which he always claimed was a big hit with his computer geek buddies at work. He looked relaxed--not on the verge of grounding his daughter for life. Mrs. Beckwith smiled again, even wider, completely freaking Lila out. "Did you have fun at the planetarium?"

  Lila's gaze shot to Erik. As if he had been waiting for her to give him some sign, he strolled over and wrapped his arm around her shoulders like he had never cheated on her--like he expected her to snuggle up against him. He seemed so much bigger than she remembered. His arm was bulky and heavy, and he had to angle himself down to kiss her on the cheek. Lila wanted to shake him off and wipe her cheek, but she didn't understand what was going on. What game was Erik playing? He didn't seem to notice how stiffly she held herself--or the intense look Beau threw at him. But Lila did, and she registered every second of it.

  "I told your parents that I was holding down the fort around here while you guys took the rug rats to look at some stars," Erik told her. His voice sounded too hearty. Fake. Lila stared at him. He was no longer the Erik she remembered--that glowing, gorgeous creature who effortlessly compelled everyone in the room to adore him. Instead, all she saw was frat guy Erik, who

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  wasn't as cute as he thought he was, and who had put on the freshman fifteen. Probably in beer. Or skanks.

  Not to mention the shiner he was sporting on his left eye.

  Erik reached over and patted Cooper on the back, like he and Cooper were such great buddies, when Lila was fairly certain Erik had never once spoken to Cooper in the three years they'd dated. But he patted too hard, and Cooper went stumbling forward a few feet. Beau reached out and steadied him, shooting Erik another unfriendly look.

  But neither of Lila's parents seemed to notice.

  They were too busy watching Erik smile at Lila. They loved him, Lila thought in dawning understanding, because he seemed so safe and dependable. He was always well mannered. He wasn't unpredictable or moody or artistic, like Beau.

  "Did you have fun?" Erik asked, smiling wider, squeezing her slightly in warning. Her parents smiled too, waiting for Lila to talk about the fictional planetarium trip that Erik had obviously made up. To confirm that it had happened. The two boys looked at her, waiting to see what she would say. She could feel Beau's gaze too, and she couldn't imagine what he thought of all this.

  But then, suddenly, Lila got it. This was her get-out-of-jail-free card. Erik was covering for her. This was his way out of saying he wanted her back. All she had to do was play along and she would get that car on her birthday and be free for the rest of her senior year.

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  Free. She wouldn't have to depend on anyone else to get around, to go where she wanted to go. She wouldn't have permanently lost her parents trust and respect. Completely free at last.

  "You guys caught the light show, isn't that right, babe?" Erik prodded. It was a perfect, brilliant lie. Her parents would be delighted that Lila had actually taken Cooper on an educational trip.

  "Babe?" Erik asked again.

  She felt more than saw Beau stiffen at the word babe. She turned to him, hoping that he could read her mind the way he'd seemed to do all weekend long. This is my chance for a car, she thought at him, begging him to follow her lead. This is freedom, right here. I just have to go along with this one thing to get everything I want.

  But she couldn't see anything in his eyes. Not the slightest glimmer of understanding or anything else. Just that slight mocking gleam. Was he daring her? She couldn't tell.

  So she did what she had to do. She turned back toward Erik and forced a smile.

  "Yeah," she said. She turned the same smile on her parents. "The light show was cool. Really fun."

  She heard her parents start talking again, but this time to Cooper. Erik pulled her closer with the arm that still felt strange around her. And then he leaned down and kissed her.

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  She had a flash of his lips on that girl in the Stanford dorm. Of his hands all over her body. She wondered--briefly and almost hysterically--just how many girls Erik had been kissing. If they all seemed interchangeable to him, and she was just one more.

  But maybe that girl had been a onetime thing. Maybe he hadn't been lying the entire time he was away at school. Maybe he really did care for her--why else would he go to the trouble of saving her ass like this?

  She didn't know the answer to any of these questions, so she kissed him back, quickly, and then eased away.

  Erik was trying to catch her gaze, but Lila looked at Beau instead.

  His face was frozen, arrested. He blinked, but not before Lila saw the hurt and confusion.

  And anger.

  She reached out for him before she remembered herself--before she remembered that Erik still had his beefy arm slung around her shoulders. She dropped her hand back to her side. Beau ignored her completely.

  She winced, like she could actually hear what he was thinking. That she was exactly as superficial and vain as he'd accused her of being, and he'd been crazy to think otherwise. That she cared more about herself--and that car--than she did about anything or anyone else, including her own brother and

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  especially including him. That she deserved a guy like Erik. That she disgusted him, and the best thing she'd ever done in her life was leave him the first time. She felt a sob build inside her chest, but she couldn't let it out. She swallowed it down.

  "I think we'd better get going," Beau said politely. Too politely. He beckoned Tyler over and rested his hand on his brother's shoulder. Then he nodded at Lila's parents. He very carefully did not look at Lila or Erik. "Merry Christmas, everyone."

  "You too," Lila's mother replied.

  "E-mail me as soon as Santa comes," Cooper said to Tyler, very seriously. "We have to compare notes."

  "Totally," Tyler agreed in the same tone.

  And then Beau grabbed Tyler's hand, turned, and was gone.

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  Chapter 20

  *** BECKWITH HOUSE

  LOS ANGELES

  DECEMBER 25

  9:15 A.M.

  ***

  Christmas morning smelled like pine, coffee, and her mother's world-famous cinnamon buns. Lila followed the buttery scent down from her bedroom, happy to pad around in her socks and Gap Body pajama bottoms, not caring how she looked. She'd spent about an hour in the shower the night before, washing away every last remnant of the weekend. Good-bye, strange moments with Beau. Good-bye, Beau's kisses. Good-bye, California freeways and Seattle snow and Beau's hand cupping her cheek so gently, like he was still in love with her the way he used to be.

  Good-bye. Lila walked into the family room and managed a smile. Santa had made his appearance sometime after the Beckwiths had finished decorating their tree the night before. Lila had sent Erik away, telling him she'd call him after she'd processed his

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  apologies. She knew that he found the whole Christmas Eve decoration thing bizarre anyway, since his mother insisted on having their tree up and decorated almost before the Thanksgiving dishes were cleared.

  But Lila liked the Beckwith tradition. The whole family settled in on Christmas Eve and went through the boxes of ornaments together. Lila showed everyone the Christmas card she'd been working on, and her dad sang al
ong to Christmas carols in that funny, deep voice he used that always made Lila and her mother giggle. Cooper worked himself into a frenzy of anticipation that was not helped by too much hot cocoa with marshmallows, or the traditional Christmas chili that Mrs. Beckwith put on the stove.

  Lila padded into the kitchen and smiled at her mother. "Merry Christmas!" her mother said.

  "You too," Lila said, going over and giving her mother a kiss on the cheek. "I've been waiting all year for these cinnamon rolls, Mom."

  "Me too," Mrs. Beckwith confessed, and they shared a moment of perfect, cinnamon-y communion with cream cheese frosting on top.

  Lila sighed happily.

  And then realized that it was way too quiet.

  "Where's our little Christmas elf?" she asked, a nervous quiver in her voice.

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  Had he taken off again? How long had it been since she'd seen him last night? She automatically glanced at her watch--then remembered that she'd taken it off last night and left it in a jumble on her bedside table. Cooper could be anywhere....

  "Your father took Cooper on a walk," Mrs. Beckwith said, breaking into Lila's private freak-out session. Lila drew a deep breath. "He woke up at six and refused to go back to bed. He was bouncing off the walls."

  Lila squinted across the room, picking up the time from the clock on the stove. Nine fifteen. "I can't believe he let me sleep this long," she said after taking a huge swig of her coffee.

  "Merry Christmas," her mother said again, with a meaningful look.

  Lila laughed and settled into her favorite chair at the kitchen table, pulling her feet up under her. After the weekend she'd had, she should have slept all day. But something at the edge of her mind wouldn't let her relax. She held her coffee mug between her hands and scowled into it while her mother bustled around, frying bacon in her cast iron skillet. It was the perfect complement to Christmas morning cinnamon buns, but Lila's head was still stuck on the night before.

  All she kept asking herself--while he was telling her how sorry he was, but couldn't quite repress the hint of that cocky grin that had always made her melt before--was why she had

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  liked him in the first place. Was it just that Erik was so different, in every possible way, from Beau? Or was Beau right about why she'd gone with Erik three years ago--because it was easier? Because Erik was a relief after stormy, intimate, troubled Beau?

  And why, after he'd said all those horrible things to her, couldn't she stop thinking about Beau Hodges?

  Lila jerked back to the present when the front door slammed, and Cooper came racing into the house at top speed and top volume.

  "Here we go," Lila said to her mother as Cooper careened into the kitchen. But she was laughing.

  "Lila!" he cried. His eyes were wild with excitement and he wore a red T-shirt that was just as stained as his green one had been. "Finally! Did you see? I stayed up all night and I still didn't hear him, but he came! Did you look?"

  Lila opened her mouth to deliver the usual put-down, but stopped herself. She looked at her tiny, enthusiastic little brother. What was wrong with being excited about things? Christmas only came once a year. And the truth was, there was something in Lila that missed believing in Christmas the way Cooper did. Maybe Christmas was the one time all year everyone got to pretend they were still kids. The one time they got to believe that magic still happened. Lila let him grab her by the arm and propel her out into the family room.

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  "Check it out!" Cooper cried. He flung out one of his arms, as if presenting the scene. Holly was hung over the mantel, and the Beckwiths' newly decorated tree sat in the corner, beneath it an array of shiny wrapped gifts, sparkling with promise.

  "I don't know why you're so excited," Lila teased him, even though the sight of the tree gave her a little jolt of excitement too. "I bet none of those are for you anyway."

  "The global warming can't be too bad if he came anyway, can it?" Cooper asked then, in an urgent whisper, frowning up at her. His brown eyes held all the worries and concerns of an adult. "I mean, it has to be okay, right?"

  Lila paused. Had she really wanted to disabuse him of this notion only a few days ago? "He's Santa Claus, Cooper," she said gently. "He can handle anything."

  "All right," Mr. Beckwith said, walking into the room. He held the tray of cinnamon buns and bacon before him, partially covering up his Han Shot First T-shirt. "Let the wild rumpus begin!"

  Lila settled into the morning, swigging coffee and enjoying herself more than she could remember in a long time. Her father made a silly hat from all the leftover ribbons and wore it proudly. Her mother flushed with pleasure over the gifts she got, carefully saving all the wrapping paper and reading the cards out loud. But Cooper was the one having the most fun. He was like a puppy on a sugar high, with more energy than Lila could imagine ever having in her life, running around the

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  room dispensing presents like his goal was to be an honorary elf. It probably was.

  Lila tore through her gifts with pleasure, losing herself in the rip of wrapping paper and the crinkle of the leftover pieces. She ooohed over the delicate gold necklace that Erik had left beneath the tree, and solemnly thanked Cooper for the ceramic elephant he'd clearly slaved over before giving it to her.

  "I know you like turtles more than elephants," Cooper said, as if this had been a topic of intense debate. Lila couldn't remember ever having stated a preference for either turtles or elephants. Or really having mentioned them, for that matter. "But I really wanted to make an elephant, so..."

  "Turtles are cool," she said, hefting the surprisingly heavy elephant into the air. Cooper watched her, like he was trying to read her mind. Lila gazed at the creature, glazed to a high shine and painted bright red and green. "But," she continued, meeting Cooper's concerned gaze, "I think a Christmas elephant is pretty awesome."

  Cooper sagged in relief, and Lila bent over and gave him a noisy kiss on the cheek. As she straightened, she caught the satisfied look her parents passed between them.

  Lila glanced around the room, at the couch she'd spent so many evenings lounging and doing homework on, at the snow globes her mother collected, at the family Christmas cards from years past, sitting proudly on the mantel. For the first time it

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  really hit her that she wouldn't be living with her three nutty family members after the summer. She would be one of those people she'd seen crowded into the hallway in Erik's dorm at Stanford. She'd be sleeping in those uncomfortable dorm beds and sharing a communal shower. No more annoying Cooper monologues about ridiculous things over the dinner table. No more of her dad singing, or her mother's high-pitched giggle that made her sound like a little girl.

  And after college, there would be life--or so all her teachers warned her. Life, which meant living somewhere glamorous, Lila hoped, and glamorous definitely didn't involve this house or these people. Soon enough, she would only see them at times like this. She had the sense that life was suddenly moving really, really fast. That she should stop and catch her breath before it was too late. She coughed to hide the sudden choked-up feeling in her throat.

  "I'll take the empty mugs to the kitchen," she announced, standing up. "Unless anyone wants more coffee?"

  "Wait!" Cooper cried. He got up from the floor and crossed to the tree. "What about this last one?"

  He pulled a small, oddly shaped little package from where it had been hanging from a ribbon on the tree. Lila frowned down at it when he pressed it into her hands. It was very light, but definitely not one of the gift certificates that her parents sometimes liked to hang from the tree on Christmas morning.

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  Mystified, she ripped open the wrapping paper. And then stared at the object that spilled into her hand.

  It was a key.

  More specifically, a car key.

  Lila gaped at it, her mind reeling. Could it be? Could it possibly...?

  She looked up, dazed, to see he
r parents grinning at her.

  "Why don't you take a look outside," her father suggested.

  "Oh my God," Lila breathed. For a moment, she couldn't move. "Oh my God," she said again, and shot to her feet. She hurled herself toward the back door, and scrambled across the patio and into the driveway...

  ...where what to her wondering eyes did appear, but a glossy black convertible VW Beetle with a red ribbon on the hood. It was her dream car. It was sitting in her driveway. And she was gripping the key in her fist.

  "You guys...," she whispered in disbelief. She moved closer to the car and ran her fingers along the glossy hood. It felt like satin. Satin that could take you anywhere you wanted to go. "I can't believe this!"

  "We were planning to give you a car for your birthday in January," Mr. Beckwith said, standing in the driveway, a cascade of ribbons tied haphazardly all over his head. The decoration looked even sillier out in the morning sun, but Lila didn't even think to tell him to take it off. "But we wanted to surprise you,

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  and we knew you were expecting the car on your birthday, so we decided to bring it home for Christmas instead."

  "This is amazing!" Lila cried. She went and gave her dad a big hug. "Is that where you guys were? Picking up this car? I thought you were visiting Aunt Lucy in Phoenix"

  "We were doing both," Mrs. Beckwith said, looking pleased. She hugged Lila tight when Lila turned to her. "I know we've been riding you pretty hard this year, but we wanted to make sure you were ready. A car is a big responsibility. And so is college. You have a big year ahead of you, sweetheart."

  Lila felt her world shift a little bit as her parents' words sank in. Maybe the fact that they expected her to be tougher and stronger meant that she was tougher and stronger. It was a new, unfamiliar truth that was hard to get her head around. She felt heat at the back of her eyes, and knew she was about to cry.

  "I love you guys," Lila said into her mother's neck, and then threw out her arm to include her dad, too. "Thank you so, so, so much!"