Near and Far

  So why had I answered Jesse’s call early this morning after sobbing into my pillow so long it was soggy? Because I couldn’t ignore it. Because I felt like Jesse knew I needed him. Because he was the only person who could comfort me. Because I had to answer that phone call. It wasn’t a logical string of thoughts; it was all instinctive.

  Hearing his voice had been a relief, hearing the solid strength that had been lacking lately. His voice soothed me. Until he said he was getting in his truck and heading west. I already felt bad—for the reasons already mentioned—but knowing he was dropping all of his responsibilities because I’d gotten weepy made me feel like I might just secure the Worst Girlfriend title for two months instead of one. I was just that bad of a girlfriend.

  Neil and Rose depended on him. Willow Springs depended on him. His fellow ranch hands depended on him. Hell, the cattle depended on him. And letting my iron wall fall had made him drop it all.

  Another part of me was scared of him showing up because I knew I’d have to tell him about the internship. I’d have to admit that I’d been hiding it from him, expecting to never get it, and I knew he’d want to know what my plans were. Would I take it? Stay in Seattle for the summer? He deserved answers. The problem was, I didn’t have answers to give him yet. I had no clue what I was going to do, and I wasn’t sure if having Jesse there would help me make up my mind or make it harder.

  So, last night had been a mess. Early that morning had been a mess. Then later morning rolled around, and Jax’s phone calls started coming in. One right after the other, every five minutes it seemed. When I ignored those, the texts came. Have you decided? You want me to tell them you’ll take it, right? Are you ignoring me? Why are you ignoring me? You’re taking the internship. I’m telling them yes if you don’t get back to me by tomorrow morning.

  After that last text, I’d powered down my phone, thrown my pillow over my head, and gone to sleep instead of my morning classes. I was still sleeping during my afternoon classes, but I forced myself out of bed when it was time to head to work. I could jeopardize my own future by not going to classes, but I couldn’t jeopardize Sid’s and Mojo’s. That was a whole heap of bad karma I didn’t need poured on me.

  Coming up on nine, I started to accept that Jesse had changed his mind. Really, that was the responsible thing to do, and I was fine for the most part. I tried to convince myself to be glad he’d stayed behind because I knew that was the right decision, but even at my most convincing, I couldn’t chase away the pang of disappointment.

  A part of me had clung to the hope that I’d be able to put my arms around Jesse in the flesh and blood. Accepting that wasn’t going to happen was disappointing in a way I couldn’t describe. I felt like I’d swallowed an iron ball and it was trapped in my stomach, making it difficult to take each step.

  Realizing Jesse had probably been trying to call me all day to tell me about the change in plans, I was heading to the back room to get my phone when Mojo’s door swung open. I had my back to it, but I knew who’d just rushed inside. I was smiling before I spun around.

  I’d never seen Jesse so disheveled. I didn’t think it was possible. I’d seen him dirty and mussed after a long day on the ranch, but his appearance went beyond that. Combined with the anxious expression on his face and in his eyes, it scared me.

  “Thank god,” he said, striding my way. Before I could ask if he was okay or why he looked like he’d just crawled out of hell, he had me in his arms. He pulled me to him, almost clinging to me, like I could slip away in an instant.

  I exhaled, letting out a day’s worth of worry. Right then, everything was fine. Nothing stood in Jesse’s and my way. Nothing threatened to tear us apart. I wiped the tear that had slipped from my eye before he could see it. Apparently the flood gates hadn’t been completely lifted. “You came.”

  Lifting his hands to my face, he lowered his forehead to mine. “Did you really think I wouldn’t?”

  When I thought about that, really thought about it, I knew the answer. “No, I didn’t.”

  “Are you okay?” He scanned me with a furrowed brow.

  “I am now,” I replied truthfully. A month’s worth of separation, weeks’ worth of worry . . . it all vanished with his touch. Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten that Jesse’s touch was some powerful stuff. I could only hope mine provided him even half the relief.

  I was glad that Mojo was pretty quiet, not that it would have stopped me. I lifted my mouth to Jesse’s, braced my arms around his neck, and got after making up for lost time. He didn’t seem to have any objections.

  His hands fisted into my shirt, and he kissed me back, hard and unyielding. Our chests rose and fell in time, reminding me that when we were together, everything made sense. Life didn’t seem so confusing; the answers didn’t seem so complex. When Jesse and I were close enough to share the same breath, confusion and uncertainty were distant memories. We didn’t stop until oxygen, or lack thereof, became a concern.

  Jesse’s lips pressed into mine one more time before a contented smile moved into place. “It’s been so long, I almost forgot how good you taste.”

  As the haze of that kiss lifted, I noticed something too. “It’s been a while, but I don’t remember you tasting like . . . like”—I tasted my lips, my face crinkling—“like motor oil.”

  “Do I want to know how you know what motor oil tastes like?” Jesse leaned back enough that I could see what was responsible for the bitter taste. A good quarter of Jesse’s face was streaked with black lines and fingerprints. Motor oil.

  “Probably not,” I answered. “But enough about me and motor oil . . . I want to know about you and motor oil and why you’re covered in it.” After I took a small step back, I saw that the same went for his clothes and the rest of his body. Black streaks and smudges ran all over him. Truthfully, it was kinda hot in a way that would only work on Jesse Walker.

  “Well”—he rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a sheepish look—“it turns out you were right all along.”

  “Right about what exactly?”

  “Old Bessie. She broke down on me about halfway through the panhandle of Idaho. And you were right about something else—North Idaho is its own country. A marginally terrifying one.” He was still smiling, but I could tell it was mask to cover his sadness that his truck had finally given out on him. Beyond explanation, I was kind of sad, too.

  “Old Bessie finally pooped out on you, eh?”

  Jesse nodded.

  Trying to lighten the mood, I said in my best funeral voice, “She lived a full, happy life. I know it’s difficult, but during these trying times, try to focus on the happy memories. The reminder that Old Bessie is in truck heaven.”

  “It’s been so long, I’d almost forgotten this, too.”

  “Forgot what?” I asked, not missing the smile he was fighting.

  “This!” Holding me tight, Jesse’s fingers pinched and prodded at my sides until tears were about to run down my face from the laughter.

  “Stop it!” I laughed, trying to swat away his hands. “Stop it, Jesse!”

  After another moment, his hands mercifully stopped. “You’re still a wiseass,” he said affectionately, kissing the tip of my nose.

  “Ditto that, Walker.” Since we were still embracing smack in the middle of Mojo and had the attention of every one of the five customers, I grabbed Jesse’s hand and pulled him toward a table. “So what happened? How did you get here? Oh, and by the way”—I kissed him full on the lips one more time—“however you did it, thank you for coming here. I’m glad you came.”

  “Not as glad as I am.” His arm wound around my shoulders after I slid into the booth beside him, and he dropped his hat on the table. “So after Old Bessie sputtered her last meter, I pulled over and tried all the usual and not so usual tricks to get her to start again.”

  “I’m guessing the not so usual is why you’re covered in black?”

  “Pretty much. Old Bessie was having none of it. I couldn’t eve
n get the engine to turn over. After accepting if I wanted to get to Seattle, it wouldn’t be in Old Bessie, I grabbed my bag and started hitching down the highway.” Jesse’s smile went higher on one side, like he found that secretly amusing for some reason.

  “You hitchhiked? From Idaho?” My stomach hit the floor. I’d lived a wild life and did some crazy shit that most people would never think of, let alone actually do, but hitchhiking hadn’t been one of them. Everyone knew that only people who hitched or picked up hitchhikers were mentally deranged. It was a commonly known fact.

  Except, apparently, known by my wholesome, Montanan boyfriend.

  “I did.”

  “Who picked you up?” God, I was about to break out in hives thinking about it. Jesse was a strong guy, and I didn’t doubt he could kick the ass of ninety-nine percent of guys, but all that muscle and strength came up with a big goose-egg against a gun. Or a huge knife. Or a Taser. Or any one of the dozens of weapons carried by people who picked up hitchhikers.

  “The first time it was an old couple. They were on their way to their first great-grandchild’s christening in Spokane. They were from Missoula, and they said they could recognize another Montanan, so that’s why they stopped.”

  I interrupted him. I had to. “The first time?”

  Jesse lifted a shoulder. “Well, yeah. The Kleins’ drove me from Kellogg to Spokane. Then a few guys heading to a rodeo in Wenatchee offered me a ride. They were Wyoming cowboys, so they made me ride in the horse trailer.” My mouth dropped open. “To their credit, there wasn’t any room in their truck, and their horses were probably better company than they would have been.”

  “Why’s that?” Having been raised with a menagerie of them, Jesse loved animals. However, he also loved to talk and, other than Mister Ed, I had yet to meet a talking horse.

  “Because a Wyoming boy is cowboy on the outside . . . but a Montana boy bleeds cowboy.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I can tell someone’s been spending a lot of time with Garth Black.”

  “So much time, I think I’ve earned my sainthood by now.”

  By my standards, he’d earned that a long time ago. “So how did you get from Wenatchee to here?”

  “Uh . . . well . . .” Jesse searched the ceiling for an answer. Never a good sign. “A team bus picked me up.” Jesse had a tough time lying, and he had a harder time buffering the truth. The poor guy was squirming.

  “What kind of team?”

  “A dance team.”

  “And was this dance team male or female?”

  I would have thought the world’s fate was riding on his shoulders from his anxious expression. “It was a female dance team.”

  Of course a bus full of girls would pull over when they saw Jesse hitching. That was more fact than the theory of relativity. A woman, especially a band of them, didn’t just drive by Jesse Walker without staring, stopping, or offering him a ride if he needed one.

  “What kind of dancers were they?” Knowing they were girls and dancers had been enough information for me, but from the way Jesse was chewing at his lip, I knew there was more.

  “The dancing kind of dancers.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited. He exhaled. “The kind that use a pole.”

  Opportunistic, pole-humping bitches. After I got that out of my system, I laughed. Laughed hard and loud and like I wouldn’t be able to stop. Jesse’s overwhelming hesitancy to admit that he’d been picked up by a bus full of pole dancers endeared him even more to me. The fact that he was embarrassed by it was the cherry on top.

  Jesse chuckled with me, and the two of us made such a laughing raucous that Sid emerged from his office. Alex wasn’t working, so I guessed he was actually able to do some paperwork.

  “Hey, Jesse! What’s up, my country brother?” His face lit up when he saw us. Sid had a soft spot for Jesse. Along with every single person who’d ever met him. As Sid came closer, his eyes widened. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “My truck threw up on me. Then it died.”

  “That sucks, man. You really need to consider picking up one of those little hybrids. Better for the environment, and let me tell you, my Prius is a fricking machine.”

  I wanted to, but I didn’t roll my eyes. Sid didn’t drive a Prius because he was all environmentally conscious. He drove one because he liked the way it “labeled” him one of those hippy, earthy types.

  “How does it do pulling a horse trailer?” Jesse asked, keeping a straight face.

  “I’d wager a little better than that gas-guzzling truck that’s about to become scrap metal.”

  Jesse pumped his fist over his heart. “Ouch, Sid. The pain is still fresh.”

  “Sorry, I forget the gritty cowboy is sensitive. Especially when you’re all coated in grease.” Sid looked like he was about to shake Jesse’s hand, then saw how filthy it was and decided against it. “I’ve got a pile of paperwork I’ve got to get back to, but it’s good seeing you again. Don’t stay away so long next time, okay? I think our Rowen here was about to take a plunge into the Sound, if you know what I mean.”

  “Staying away isn’t something I’m very good at. Obviously.” Jesse’s arm tightened around me as he waved at Sid.

  “Get that boy a doughnut and some coffee, Rowen. And a washcloth,” Sid added, disappearing into his office.

  “Bacon maple bar?” I didn’t know why I bothered asking; Jesse inhaled a few of them every time he visited.

  “I need my protein. I’m a growing boy.” Jesse grinned as I pulled a couple of bacon maple bars from the case.

  “So these pole dancers . . .” I said. Jesse’s face dropped while I poured a cup of coffee. “Do they normally travel in a team bus? Because, from what I know about pole dancing, it’s more of an individual event. At least that’s the way it was when I was doing it.”

  Jesse smiled at me humorlessly. “Ha. Ha. I don’t know. I guess they were going to some kind of competition or something here.”

  “So if you go missing, I know where to look?” I was being an insufferable smart-ass, but in all fairness, Jesse knew what he was getting into with me. Something about the way his eyes always lit up when I gave him a hard time told me he didn’t mind much.

  “Yeah. Look in your bed.”

  “Looking forward to that.” I set the coffee and doughnuts in front of him, along with a damp washcloth, then went to grab my lunch from the fridge. It was a little early for my break, but if Sid didn’t like it . . . too bad. I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in a month, and I’d never missed a shift at Mojo. He’d have to deal. When I returned to the table, Jesse hadn’t touched the coffee or doughnuts. His face was drawn together in seriousness. I rested my hand on his shoulder and scooted close. “Jesse?”

  “What’s the matter, Rowen? Why were you so upset this morning?” His eyes stayed locked on the table, but his hand found mine.

  “Not now. I don’t want to talk about that here. We’ll talk after work.” I’d been so caught up in our reunion, I’d forgotten why I’d been so upset earlier. There was nothing about that confession I was looking forward to. Not even the relief I assumed I’d feel because I knew my relief meant he’d feel like he’d been blindsided by a semi.

  “Why not? I’ve been driving myself crazy all day wondering what’s the matter.” His words were needless. I could tell from his expression alone that the day had been torture.

  “Because I want to give you my undivided attention. Because I don’t want to be interrupted every two minutes to ring up a maple bar. Because I want privacy, and I want to be able to go to bed with you right after and make love until the sun rises.” There were dozens of becauses, but really, I was scared. I wanted a little more time with him, another hour or two of him looking at me with love, not betrayal.

  “All right, when you put it that way . . .” Jesse nudged me, the seriousness dimming from his face. “Could you just promise me something? It will make me feel ten times better while waiting.”

  I’d seldom been able to deny Jesse a
nything. I nodded once.

  “Promise me that when you’re done telling me what you need to, that we’ll be okay. Promise me nothing’s going to change between us. Promise me that, and I know I can deal with anything.” That strong, certain voice of his wavered a bit. Just barely, but it caught my attention.

  I wanted to promise him that, God knew I’d never wanted to make a promise to anyone the way I wanted to promise Jesse that. But how could I promise when I didn’t know? Nothing would change the way I felt about him, the way I felt about us, but I couldn’t promise when I didn’t know how he’d feel once I told him about the internship. I was figuring out a way to answer him when the door opened and a couple headed for the display case. I couldn’t imagine being as relieved as I was to be interrupted when I was with Jesse.

  Lifting my index finger to Jesse, I rushed to the counter to help the couple. I’d be lying if I said I hurried with their order. I took my time wrapping up their Nirvana By Chocolate and Afternoon Delight doughnuts. I felt Jesse’s eyes on me the entire time. Once I’d rung them up and I really couldn’t stall any longer, I inhaled and headed back to Jesse. He was still watching me, but his forehead was lined and there was something in his eyes. Something I used to see when I looked in the mirror, but I’d rarely, if ever, seen in Jesse’s eyes: uncertainty. Anxiety. And maybe, just maybe, a hint of fear.

  I’d been picking up on those things on the phone with him lately, but I had yet to see them play out in front of me. It shook me to see the man I loved—who’d always seemed like a rock, as close to invincible as a mortal could be—that undone. Seeing him unsettled did the same to me.

  “Jesse, I’ll tell you what’s been going on with me, but I need you to tell me what’s been going on with you too. I know something’s been bothering you, but I don’t know what.” I scooted beside him and grabbed his hand. I wasn’t sure if it was more for his support or mine. “But I want to know. I want to be able to help you. I want to be strong for you the way you’ve been strong for me. I want to help you with whatever this is.”