I Will Fear No Evil
“Don’t think I could.”
“You’d be surprised what can be done in a chair, Joan.”
“Would not, I’ve done ’em all. As Johann. But they require cooperation.”
“Mmm, so they do.—and that, as soon as my car arrives, you dress at once and no nonsense, and we go home.”
“All right—since you made that ‘we.’ I was afraid you were feeling ornery enough to send me home alone. In which case I was going to have Rockford and Charlie take me straight back to Alec and Mac. Aren’t they delightful wolves, Jake? Hold me tight. The only way you can protect me from them is you-know-what.”
“Hmm. Joan, can you keep a chuckle to yourself?”
“Well… I promise never to tell anyone but Eunice.”
“Eh? Okay, I don’t think you would break a promise made that way. But, let me add that if you did tell, it would hurt Alec and Mac both—and Eunice would not like that.”
“No, Eunice certainly would not like that. Jake, you’re going to be able to hogtie me with that phrase the rest of my life.” (Don’t fret, Boss honey. Any time Jake is wrong, I’ll give you the ammo to change his tune.) “All right, I’ll tell no one but Eunice—and the old Man with the long white beard next time I see Him.”
“Safe enough. Okay, here’s the chuckle. Your two charming wolves—and they are charming—are as gay as Julius Caesar.”
“What? Jake, I have trouble believing that.”
“I won’t offer proof but I assure you that I know it beyond any reasonable doubt.”
“But—Look, dear, I’ve kissed them. I may be an ersatz female…but not where it matters, and I know those kisses weren’t phony. They were hot over me. Shucks, darling, I could tell it by Braille. Besides, they are married.”
“I said, ‘As gay as Julius Caesar,’ dear—not Governor Arkham.”
“Oh. Ambi gay, you mean. I still have trouble believing it. Doesn’t it show at all? Even in a kiss?” (I spotted it, Joan, the potential at least. But they’re still wolves…and we may be back there someday. To thank them.) (Eunice, is that the only way a female can thank a man?) (That’s the only convincing way, twin. This is news?) (No, beloved—but it was possible that your generation had learned something mine had not. They haven’t. Not in anything you’ve told me. Just more open about it.)
“Joan, there is no way to spot it, if an ambi does not want it known. Either ambi, or clear over the line and no return. Look, when you were Johann, could you spot a virgin?”
“Jake, I’m not sure I ever met a virgin. But you have.”
“You must mean someone we both know.”
“Of course.”
“Who? Winnie? Wouldn’t have thought so. But she does blush easily.”
“Not Winnie. If she is one, I didn’t have her in mind.” (You crawled out of that one!) (Winnie can tell her own secrets. Honey girl? Does Jake know about your baby?) (No, and we’re not going to tell him!) (Didn’t intend to, darling—just didn’t want to be caught foolish.)
“Well, I can’t guess. Who is this paragon?”
“Me.”
“Uh—But—” Jake Salomon shut up.
“Sure, sure, dear—Johann was not, and Eunice was married. Not to mention an old wolf who tripped her.” (I tripped him.) “But none of that applies to this new female in your lap. I’m a virgin. But would not have been, by now—I think—if that goddam phone hadn’t sounded. Don Ameche should never have invented it.”
“Who’s he? Some Russian? Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.”
“An obsolete joke, Jake—sorry. Ameche played Bell in a movie, oh, about the time you were three or four years old. But let’s not talk about long-dead actors, nor my virginity that I can’t get rid of; let’s discuss Eunice.” (My favorite subject!) “That overhead light is in my eyes; where can I squeeze it down? And will you keep your lap warm while I trot and do it?”
“I can do it from here. Is that better?”
“Oh, much! I want to see you, darling—but floor lights are enough. Now tell me about (Eunice. I not only want to be like her in other ways…but I would like to learn to make love the way she did. As much as you’ll tell me.”
“Joan, you know I can’t tell such things about a lady.”
“But I am Eunice, Jake. I just don’t have her memory. So I need help. Eunice loved you, and still loves you, I feel certain—and Joan Eunice loves you—with a love not at all like the fierce affection Johann always had for his one friend—Joan Eunice loves you with a love that comes also from Eunice’s sweet body that I wear so proudly. So tell me about her. Was she as eager as I am?”
“Uh—” (Slide your hand inside his shirt, twin. Be careful not to tickle.) “Joan, Eunice was eager. I had trouble believing it at first—me an old wreck and she so young and beautiful. But she managed to make me believe it.”
“But you are not an old wreck, darling. You are in better shape than I was at your age. Oh, your face has character lines; it has a granite majesty that impresses everyone. But your body is as firm and trim as a man half your age. Muscly. And your skin is smooth and elastic, not that distressing crepelike texture I remember too well. Darling…even if you divorce me later, will you marry me soon enough to let me have your baby?” (Hon, you’re knocking him out of the ring! That’s one I never dared use.)
“Eunice! Joan Eunice.”
“Oh, I don’t mean soon enough for you—I mean soon enough for me. I may have fifteen more fertile years—but the sooner the better; a woman ought not to have her first baby at past forty. But you will be making babies as long as you live. How many children do you have, Jake beloved?”
“Three. You met two of them once. And four grandchildren.”
“I don’t mean those, I mean others. I’ll bet you have at least a dozen more, here and there. You’ve been rich a long time; you could afford it. How many that you haven’t mentioned?”
“Joan Eunice, that’s snoopy.”
“Yes, and no one has to answer that sort of question. But didn’t Eunice ever ask?” (I did and I think he fibbed. I want to hear what he says this time.)
“Uh—”
“I won’t tell anybody but Eunice. Not even the old Man with the book.”
“You insidious little cuddle puppy. I think I have four more. Plus one by a married lady who may have been kidding me. Three I supported until they were on their own; the fourth—and that possible fifth—I couldn’t even offer to. But they were never in want.”
“How was it handled, dear? Three maiden ladies who moved elsewhere and became overnight widows?”
“Uh…only in one case. I offered to marry her—I was a grass widower then—but she elected not to, and did marry later and her husband adopted the child and I made a cash settlement. The other similar case I was married but the settlement was just as amicable. The other two were married. Some grief about one—she was a compulsive confesser, from which the good Lord deliver me!—and her husband had to be soothed with mucho dinero. The last—well, her husband was sterile—mumps—and together they picked a father. Me. Startled the hell out of me. But he offered to put it in writing and did. I tore it up and settled it with a handshake.” (This is all news to me, Joan. But I couldn’t believe that such a virile and charming man had left no by-blows. Keep him talking.)
Jake grinned and caressed her sweet body. “That is the only one I’m certain about, as I have never insisted on blood tests if a lady accused me and I could have been the man. But in that case I am certain, as we took a holiday together, by sailboat, with her husband as nominal chaperonage. So that time it was I, at the right time and place. Then—” He paused. “Joan Eunice, I don’t know whether Johann would have approved of the sequel, or not…but I don’t want to shock the sweet girl you are now.” (Honey, don’t let him stop there!)
“Johann can’t be shocked, Jake. If it’s rough, I won’t tell Eunice. But don’t let me crowd you.”
“Well…it wasn’t rough, it was sweet. They didn’t use me and drop me. I was wel
come in their home thereafter…and in their bed.”
“Three in a bed?”
“Uh…don’t be nosy! Sometimes.”
“But no more babies?”
“They were licensed for four and had them. But I think they picked a different father for each. I simply know that, in the several times I stayed in their home over about ten years, I never slept alone. I still get Christmas cards from them, each with a photograph of the family—and my daughter looks like her mother, not like me, thanks be to God. Joan, they were and are a respectable married couple, devout, and devoted to each other and to their children, and old-fashioned…except that, when they were faced with the need for a donor, they elected to pick donors themselves, then use the old-fashioned way rather than syringes and a clinical atmosphere.”
“Uh…was she sweet in bed?”
“Quite. But unsophisticated. Not a patch on Eunice, if you were thinking about her.”
“I was.” (I was!)
“Eunice—Eunice was the most glorious thing that could happen to any man. Sweet as an angel, and as skilled—and as uninhibited!—as the most famous courtesan in history.” (I’m purring!)
“Jake. I prefer the old-fashioned way, too.”
“Yes?”
“You were sweet to all those ladies and you got two unmarried ones pregnant and I’m rich enough to get away with it and right now you are feeling young—I know you are! Will you pick me up and carry me over there? Or shall I walk?”
“Eunice.”
“Let’s both walk. But hurry.”
“Yes. Yes, darling.”
She jumped up, took his hand…as the house intercom sounded with: “Mr. Salomon! Rockford here. Your car is waiting.”
Joan said, “Oh, my God!” and started to cry.
Jake put his arm around her and petted her. “I’m sorry, darling.”
“Jake. Tell them to go get dinner. Tell them to be back in, uh, two hours.”
“No, dear.”
She stomped her bare foot. “Jake, I won’t, I won’t! This is unbearable.”
He said quietly, “You promised. Look, darling, I’m not nineteen years old and able to perform in back seats of cars or on back porches with a party going on in the house. I have to have quiet and peace.” (Don’t believe him, dear! Though he might be scared off for a first time.)
Joan bawled and shook her head. He spoke loudly: “Rockford!”
“Yes, sir?”
“We’ll be out in a moment or two. Keep the reactor warm.”
He stepped to the wall and squeezed down the intercom to zero, then said gently, “Get dressed, dear.”
“I won’t! If we leave now, you’ll have to stuff me into the car bare naked.”
He sighed and picked her up; she stopped crying and looked suddenly happy.
The expression did not last. He turned her in his arms as he sat down on a straight chair, got a firm grip on her, and walloped her right buttock. She yelped. And struggled.
He got her more firmly, placing his right leg over both of hers, and applied his hand smartly to her left cheek. Then he alternated sides, stopping with ten. He set her on her feet and said, “Get dressed, dear. Quickly.”
She stopped rubbing the punished area. “Yes, Jake.”
Neither said another word until he had handed her into the car, climbed in after her, and they had been locked in. Then she said timidly, “Jake? Will you hold me?”
“Certainly, darling.”
“May I take my robe off, please? Will you take it off me?”
With the robe out of the way she sighed and snuggled in. After a bit she whispered, “Jake darling? Why did you spank me?”
It was his turn to sigh. “You were being difficult…and it is the only thing I know of which will do a woman any good when a man can’t do for her what she needs. And right then—I couldn’t.”
“I see. I think I do.”
She remained quiet a while, enjoying his arms around her and breathing against his chest. Then she said, “Dear? Did you ever spank Eunice?”
“Once.”
“For the same reason?”
“Not quite. Well, somewhat. She teased me into it.” (I tickled him, dear. And got the surprise of my life.)
“Then I’m glad you spanked me, too. But I’ll try not to tease you—though I’ll never be the angel she was.” (Fallen angel, Boss. And enjoyed it all, clear down to the Pit.)
“Jake?”
“Yes, Eunice?”
“I didn’t really mind being spanked by you. Even when I was crying. But—Well, I’m padded now—Built to take a spanking. And when you are spanking me, you aren’t ignoring me—and any attention is better than none. And besides—” She hesitated.
“Besides what, Eunice?”
“Well, I don’t know—but I think it happened.”
“What happened?”
“Female orgasm. Well, maybe. I don’t know what one is supposed to feel like. But while I was crying—and hurting; you have a heavy hand, sir—suddenly I felt very warm inside and something seemed to grow and explode—that’s the best I can describe it. And I was ecstatically happy and didn’t mind the last few wallops, hardly noticed them. Was that a female orgasm?”
“How would I know, dearest? Perhaps you’ll be able to tell me. Later.”
“Later tonight?”
“Uh, I think not, Eunice. It’s late and we have had nothing to eat and I’m tired even if you aren’t—”
“I am, rather. But happy.”
“So tonight we’ll rest. When it does happen—and I’m no longer fighting it—let’s make the first time absolutely private and quiet. No phones and no servants and no distractions. After that—well, it might be target-of-opportunity. But I’m not a kid. You know what I mean, darling; you’ve been old, too.”
“Yes, dearest, much older than you are. Eunice can wait. Jake? What was this teasing Eunice did that was so bad it got her spanked?”
He suddenly grinned. “The little imp tickled me until I nearly went out of my mind. So I spanked her. But we were alone, and that ended satisfactorily. Quite.”
“How?”
“How do you think? I excelled my usual mediocre performance, and Eunice—there aren’t words for it, but she excelled her utter perfection, impossible as that sounds.” (He darn near split me like a melon, twin—and I wanted him to!)
“So? Someday I will tickle you—and get spanked for it. So take your vitamins, dear. Jake, you enjoyed spanking me. Didn’t you?”
He was silent several moments. “I enjoyed it so much that I spanked you neither as hard nor as long as I wanted to. And started feeling ‘young’ as you put it—but knew that, if I didn’t get you out of the house right then, you probably wouldn’t leave at all. And I don’t care to advertise it to servants.”
“You had better marry me. So we can ignore servants.”
“You had better shut up. You’re still learning to be a girl, and I’m still learning how to handle you. You’re Eunice—but you aren’t Eunice. And we must clear up legal matters before we talk about such things.”
“Old mean. Girl beater. Sadist. Hold me tight.”
16
Jake escorted Joan Eunice to her boudoir. Winnie was waiting there—to Joan’s annoyance as she thought it possible that Jake’s stern character might slip if the upper house was quiet. But she did not show it. “Hi, Winnie!”
“Miss Joan! Are you all right? I’ve been so worried!”
“Of course I’m all right; Mr. Salomon was taking care of me. Why were you worried, dear?”
“Why, the dreadful things they’ve been saying about you in the news and there was a riot at the Hall of Justice; I saw it. And—”
“Winnie, Winnie! The idiot box is for idiots; why do you look at it? I was never in danger.”
“But she has had a trying day, so you take good care of her, Winnie.”
“Oh, I will, sir!”
“And I am tired, too, so I’ll say good-night and go to bed. A
fter I find a sandwich, perhaps.”
“Hubert put a tray in your suite, sir.”
“Hubert gets another merit badge. Though to tell the truth, Winnie, I’ve had a worrisome day myself, and it’s left me with little appetite and jangled nerves. I may dine on a sleeping pill.”
“Jake dear—”
“Yes, Eunice?”
“Don’t take a pill. And do eat.”
“But—”
“I know, I’m a bundle of nerves myself. But I know what to do about it—and Winnie and I can soothe your nerves and restore your appetite and make you sleep like a baby.”
He cocked one eyebrow, looked at Eunice, then at Winnie. “I think either of you could. But both?”
“Jake, you’re a dirty-minded old man; you’ll have Winnie blushing. But we can—can’t we, Winnie? The Money Hum.”
“Oh. Yes, we can, Mr. Salomon.”
“Harrumph! Does it involve blood? Or broken bones?”
“Oh, no, sir! It’s restful. Relaxing.”
“I’ll try anything once.”
Joan said, “But you have to strip for it to—”
“I thought there was a catch.”
“Oh, Jake. We’ll let you sissy; you can wear shorts. We strip for it; the spiritual effect is better. It’s the way we warm up for our exercises. Go undress; then put on shorts and a robe. We’ll join you in the Green Suite. Right after it you’re going to have a bite to eat and a tepid tub and straight to bed and right to sleep.”
“Maybe I’d better bathe first. A day in court leaves me smelling like a skunk.”
“You smell all right. Anyhow, Winnie and I have such control by now that we can decide not to be able to smell—or to hear a distracting noise, or anything—if we choose to.”
“That’s true, Mr. Salomon.”
“Okay. Winnie, if she beats me, you protect me. Adios, dears.”
“Five minutes, Jake.”
As soon as they were alone Winifred said, “You’re going to make me strip down bare? Again?”
“I didn’t ‘make’ you strip the first time. And dear Doctor certainly did notice that you are a girl. Looked to me as if the kiss he gave you was better than the one he gave me. Stop blushing. Winnie, you can sissy, too, if you want to—but I do need you present. Or Jake will think I’m trying to make him.”