The Last Hero

Page 10

 

  "Nope. "

  "But. . . he was the greatest conquerer dial ever lived! His empire spanned the entire Disc! Except for the Counterweight Continent and Fourecks, of course. "

  "I dont blame him. You cant get a good beer in one of em for love nor money, and the others a bugger to get to. "

  "Well, when he got as far as the coast of Muntab, it was said that he stood on the shore and wept. Some philosopher told him there were more worlds out there somewhere, and that hed never be able to conquer them. Er . . . that reminded me a bit of you. " Cohen strolled along in silence for a moment. "Yeah," he said at last. "Yeah. I can see how that could be. Only not as cissy, obviously. "

  "It is now," said Ponder Stibbons, "T minus twelve hours. " His audience, sitting on the deck, watched him with alert and polite incomprehension. "That means the flying machine will go over the Edge just before dawn tomorrow," Ponder explained. Everyone turned to Leonard, who was watching a seagull. "Mr da Quirm?" said Lord Vetinari. "What? Oh. Yes. " Leonard blinked. "Yes. The device will be ready, although the privy is giving me problems. " The Lecturer in Recent Runes fumbled in the capacious pockets of his robe. "Oh dear, I believe I have a bottle of something . . . the sea always affects me that way, too. "

  "I was rather thinking of problems associated with the thin air and low gravity," said Leonard. "Thats what the survivor of the Maria Pesto reported. But this afternoon I feel I can come up with a privy that, happily, utilises the thinner air of altitude to achieve the effect normally associated with gravity. Gentle suction is involved. " Ponder nodded. He had a quick mind when it came to mechanical detail, and hed already formed a mental picture. Now a mental eraser would be useful. "Er . . . good," he said. "Well, most of the ships will fall behind the barge during the night. Even with magically assisted wind we dare not venture closer than thirty miles to the Rim. After that, we could be caught in the current and swept over the Edge. " Rincewind, who had been leaning moodily over the rail and watching the water, turned at this. "How far are we from the island of Krull?" he said. "That place? Hundreds of miles. " said Ponder. "We want to keep well away from those pirates. "

  "So . . . well run straight into the Circumfence, then?" There was technically silence, although it was loud with unspoken thoughts. Each man was busy trying to think of a reason why it would have been far too much to expect him to have thought of this, while at the same time being a reason why someone else should have. The Circumfence was the biggest construction ever built; it extended almost a third of the way around the world. On the large island of Krull, an entire civilisation lived on what they recovered from it. They ate a lot of

  sushi, and their dislike for the rest of the world was put down to permanent dyspepsia. In his chair, Lord Vetinari grinned in a thin, acid way. "Yes indeed. " he said. "It extends for several thousands of miles, I understand. However, I gather the Krullians no longer keep captive seamen as slaves. They simply charge ruinous salvage rates. "

  "A few fireballs would blow the thing apart. " said Ridcully. "That does rather require you to be very close to it, though," said Lord Vetinari. "That is to say, so close to the Rimfall that you would be destroying the very thing that is preventing you from being swept over the Edge. A knotty problem, gentlemen. "

  "Magic carpet," said Ridcully. "Just the job. Weve got one in-"

  "Not that close to the Edge, sir," said Ponder, dismally. "The thaumic field is very thin and there are some ferocious air currents. " There was the crisp rattle of a big drawing pad being turned to the next page. "Oh, yes. " said Leonard, more or less to himself. "Pardon me?" said the Patrician. "I did once design a simple means whereby entire fleets could be destroyed quite easily, my lord. Only as a technical exercise, of course. "

  "But with numbered parts and a list of instructions?" said the Patrician. "Why, yes, my lord. Of course. Otherwise it would not be a proper exercise. And I feel sure that with the help of these magical gentlemen we should be able to adapt it for this purpose. " He gave them a bright smile. They looked at his drawing. Men were leaping from ships in flames, into a boiling sea. "You do this sort of thing as a hobby, do you?" said the Dean. "Oh, yes. There are no practical applications. "

  "But couldnt someone build something like that?" said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "You practically include glue and transfers!"

  "Well. I daresay there are people like that," said Leonard diffidently. "But I am sure the government would put a stop to things before they went too far. " And the smile on Lord Vetinaris face was one that probably even Leonard of Quirm, with all his genius, would never be able to capture on canvas. Very carefully, knowing that if they dropped one they probably wouldnt even know theyd dropped one, a team of students and apprentices lifted the cages of dragons into the racks under the rear of the flying machine. Occasionally one of the dragons hiccuped. Everyone present, bar one, would freeze. The exception was Rincewind, who would be crouched down behind a pile of timber many yards away. "Theyve ail been well fed on Leonards special feed and should be quite docile for four or five hours. " said Ponder, pulling him out for the third time. "The first two stages were given their meals with a carefully timed interval, and the first lot should be in a mood to flame just as you go over the Rimfall. "

  "What if were delayed?" Ponder gave this some deep thought. "Whatever you do, dont be delayed," he said. "Thank you. "

  "The ones that youll be taking with you in flight may need feeding, too. Weve loaded a mixture of naphtha, rock oil and anthracite dust. "

  "For me to feed to the dragons. "

  "Yes. "

  "In this wooden ship, which will be very, very high?"

  "Well, in a technical sense, yes. "

  "Could we focus on that technicality?"

  "Strictly speaking, there wont be any down. As such, Er . . . you could say that you will be travelling so fast that you wont be in any one place long enough to fall down. " Ponder sought a glimmer of understanding in Rincewinds face. "Or, to put in another way, youll be falling permanently without ever hitting the ground. " Up above them, rack on rack of dragons sizzled contentedly. Wisps of steam drifted through the shadows. "Oh," said Rincewind. "You understand?" said Ponder. "No. I was just hoping that if I didnt say anything youd stop trying to explain things to me. "

  "How are we doing. Mr Stibbons?" said the Archchancellor, strolling up at the head of his wizards. "Hows our enormous kite?"

  "Everythings going to plan. sir. Were at T minus five hours, sir. "

  "Really? Good. Were at supper in ten minutes. " Rincewind had a small cabin, with cold water and running rats. Most of it that wasnt occupied by his bunk was occupied by his luggage. The Luggage. It was a box that walked around on hundreds of little legs. It was magical, as far as he knew. Hed had it for years. It understood every word he said. It obeyed about one in every hundred, unfortunately. "There wont be any room? he said. "And you know every time youve gone up in the air youve got lost. " The Luggage watched him in its eyeless way. "So you stay with nice Mr Stibbons, all right? Youve never been at ease around gods, either. I shall be back very soon. " Still the eyeless stare went on. "Just dont look at me that way, will you?" said Rincewind. Lord Vetinari cast his eye over the three . . . what was the word? "Men," he said, settling for one that was undoubtedly correct, "it falls to me to congratulate you on . . . on . . . " He hesitated. Lord Vetinari was not a man who delighted in the technical. There were two cultures, as far as he was concerned. One was the real one, the other was occupied by people who liked machinery and ate pizza at unreasonable hours. ". . . on being the first people to leave the Disc with the resolute intention of returning to it," he went on. "Your . . . mission is to land on or near Con Celesti, locate Cohen the Barbarian and his men, and by whatever means feasible stop this ridiculous scheme of theirs. There must be some misunderstanding. Even barbarian heroes generally draw the line at blowing up the world. " He sighed. "Theyre usually not civilised enough for that," he added. "Anyway . . . we implore hi
m to listen to reason, et cetera. Barbarians are generally sentimentalists. Tell him about all the dear little puppies that will be killed, or something. Beyond that, I cant advise you further. I suspect classical force is out of the question. If Cohen was easy to kill, people would have done it a long time ago. " Captain Carrot saluted. "Force is always the last resort, sir," he said. "I believe that for Cohen its the first choice," said Lord Vetinari. "Hes not too bad if you dont come up behind him suddenly. " said Rincewind. "Ah, there is the voice of our mission specialist," said the Patrician. "I just hope- What is that on your badge. Captain Carrot?"

  "Mission motto, sir," said Carrot cheerfully. "Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it. "

  "I imagine he did. " said Lord Vetinari. observing the wizard coldly. "And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?"

  "Er . . . " Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. "Er . . . roughly speaking, it means. "We who are about to die dont want to", sir. "

  "Very clearly expressed. I commend your determination . . . Yes?" Ponder had whispered something in his ear. "Ah, Im informed that we have to leave you shortly," said Lord Vetinari. "Mr Stibbons tells me that there is a means of keeping in touch with you, at least until youre close to the mountain. "

  "Yes, sir," said Carrot. The fractured omniscope. An amazing device. Each part sees what the other parts sees. Astonishing. "

  "Well, I trust your new careers will be uplifting if not, ahaha, meteoric. To your places, gentlemen. "

  "Er . . . I just want to take an iconograph, sir. " said Ponder, hurrying forward and clutching a large box. "To record the moment? If you would all stand in front of the flag and smile, please . . . that means the corners of your mouth go up. Rincewind . . . thank you. " Ponder, like all bad photographers, took the shot just a fraction of a second after the smiles had frozen. "And do you have any last words?"

  "You mean, last words before we go and come back?" said Carrot, his brow wrinkling. "Oh, yes. Of course. Thats what I meant! Because of course you will be coining back, wont you?" said Ponder, far too quickly in Rincewinds opinion. "I have absolute confidence in Mr da Quirms work, and Im sure he has too. "

  "Oh, dear. No, I never bother to have any confidence," said Leonard. "You dont?"

  "No, things just work. You dont have to wish," said Leonard. "And, of course, if we do fail, then things wont be that bad. will they? If we fail to come back, there wont be anywhere left to fail to come back to in any case, will there? So it will all cancel out. " He gave his happy little smile. "Logic is a great comfort in times like this, I always find. "