Troubles and Treats

  “Okay, you’ve got your traditional rabbit, which has rotating beads and tantalizing bunny ears. According to my chart, it has a one hundred percent success rate of completion within five point three minutes,” Drew states as he looks at a page of the binder in his hand.

  We’re in our bedroom with all of my vibrators spread out on the floor. Drew is determined that I win this race today so he has spent all week analyzing vibrators, making flow charts, and running diagnosis tests on them.

  “Next, we have your standard silver bullet. It’s simple, straightforward, and could be our ace in the hole. Pun intended. No one would think to use the bullet because it’s so small. But this baby’s got kick, highlighted by my report of a one hundred percent success rate within two point seven minutes. I think we really need to set that one aside as a contender.”

  I pick up the silver bullet and set it apart from the rest.

  “I’m nervous about this race. Do you really think I have a chance to win?”

  Drew closes his binder and squats down next to me at my place sitting on the floor. “Baby, you’ve got this thing in the bag. You could win this thing with your eyes closed and your arms cut off. You just have to believe.”

  I nod my head and motion for him to proceed with the binder of stats.

  Thirty minutes later, we’ve narrowed down our selection to the top two, which is pretty amazing considering I have no less than thirty-seven vibrators. As we pack up the rainbow of colorful objects and place them back into our suitcase of fun to slide back under our bed, I hear the front door open and close.

  “Are you two soldiers ready for action today?” Andrew Senior states from our bedroom doorway.

  Once again, he’s offered to babysit for us. I can’t possibly stay angry with him since it seems like this babysitting offer is going to be on the table for a long time to come.

  “Affirmative, sir. We are locked and loaded,” Drew states as he pulls me up from the floor and holds up the small, black velvet bag that houses the silver bullet.

  “Did you clean your weapon and load it with new batteries? A clean, properly functioning weapon is a happy weapon,” my father-in-law informs us.

  “The chambers have been cleaned, the batteries have been replaced, and this soldier here is ready for battle,” Drew says as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.

  “Stay smart, keep your head down, and for God’s sakes, don’t be a pansy ass,” Andrew advises me. “The deadliest thing in this world is a soldier and his or her weapon. Respect your weapon and it will respect you, is that clear?”

  I nod my head and mumble, “Yes.”

  “YES WHAT?!”

  “YES, SIR!” I shout, putting my hand up to my head and saluting him.

  “At ease, soldier.”

  Surprisingly, his pep talk has motivated me and taken away my nerves. I’m going to go into the race and I’m going to win it all. I’m going to show all of those fools how it’s done. I haven’t been an adventurous, sexual person all of my adult life for nothing. This race is mine!

  Drew has changed into his motivational shirt that he got just for me. It has a picture of a vibrator on it and the words: My wife is #1 at diddling!

  We leave Drew’s dad with a napping Billy and a hyper Veronica since Drew had let her have toast with sugar on it for breakfast. I'm amazed at the amount of cars parked all around downtown by Liz and Claire’s shops. We finally find a parking spot and walk into Liz’s side of the store, which is packed with people checking out her selection of vibrators.

  “Look at all these losers trying to pick a winning vibrator at the last minute,” Drew whispers as we squeeze our way through everyone so we can get to the back door and out into the parking lot where the event is being held. “With my analysis reports, this race is all ours. You can’t go into something like this without a toy you’re already familiar with. Do these people know nothing? How do they expect to win a race with a toy they’ve never used before? How do they know they’re even going to mesh with that toy? Total amateurs, I’m telling you.”

  I get more and more excited listening to what Drew is telling me. He’s right. I am very familiar with my bullet. We go way back. It’s the first toy I ever bought when I was eighteen. We’ve come a long way since then. This little guy in my pocket has been with me through the good and the bad. He won’t let me down today.

  “Hey, guys!” Liz greets us as she rushes over to where we are currently standing next to a food vendor tent. She holds a clipboard in her hand and scans a piece of paper attached to it. “Okay, Jenny, you’re in heat one of the first round. It’s going to take place in the tent next to the beer stand.”

  I glance over to the direction she’s pointing and frown.

  “Um, that tent is wide open. I kind of thought it would be a little more private,” I tell her, glancing nervously up at Drew.

  “It’s okay, we can work with that,” Drew reassures me.

  “Why would it need to be private? It’s just a race. And everyone here knows what’s going on. They wouldn’t be here if they have a problem with it,” Liz explains.

  She’s right. Everyone here had received an invitation with an explanation of what was going on today, so I guess they know what they’ll be seeing. I suppose I just hadn't thought about the fact that they’d be seeing me. Oh well, I want to get a spark back so I guess this is as good a way as any.

  Liz wishes us good luck and runs off to greet more people and let them know what race tent they are in. Drew and I make our way over to the beer tent next to where I will be racing. He gets in line and orders a beer for each of us.

  “Chug it. You look like you could use this,” he informs me as he hands me a plastic cup overflowing with beer.

  I down the beer as fast as I can and hand him the empty cup. He sets it down and moves behind me to rub my shoulders.

  “I’ve been scoping out the competition in our tent. There are a few old people who look scared. That one chick in the purple shirt looks tough, but see how she’s tapping her foot? She’s nervous. You’re calm as a cucumber. That’s how you’re going to win this thing. Show no fear, baby. Maybe you should stretch,” Drew advises.

  As he continues to massage my shoulders, I roll my head from side to side and shake out my hands. I grab onto my elbow and pull my arm across the front of my body, repeating the action with my other arm. Liz makes an announcement over the microphone that the first heats will be starting in ten minutes. Drew turns me around to face him and holds my face in his hands.

  “Repeat after me. I’m a winner.”

  “I’m a winner,” I tell him.

  “I’m more awesome than all these people,” he states.

  “I’m more awesome than all these people.”

  “If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and fuck his brains out.”

  I stare at him for a minute, raising my eyebrow at his statement.

  “SAY IT!”

  I sigh and roll my eyes. “If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and fuck his brains out.”

  Drew sniffles. “I think I’m going to cry.”

  “What’s up, assholes?” Jim asks as he walks up to us with Carter and Claire.

  “Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race,” Drew informs him.

  “There’s no need for that,” Carter says. “Claire is going to kick everyone’s ass.”

  Drew laughs and shakes his head. “Oh that’s hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor.”

  “The Victor? Who’s Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?”

  Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I’m always the last to know everything.

  “What toy did she pick?” Carter asks Drew.

  “The silver bullet, baby!”

  Carter laughs and shakes his head. “Seriously? The bullet is like the grandfather of vib
rators. Are you sure it can last long enough without needing to take a nap? There’s no way that thing is going to win.”

  Drew crosses his arms and glares at Carter. “Really? So what amazing vibrator is Claire using?”

  Carter smirks and wraps his arms around Claire’s waist from behind, resting his chin on top of her head. “The brand new, hot from the factory Butterfly FX 2000.”

  It’s Drew’s turn to laugh now and he throws his head back, letting out a loud chuckle. “The Butterfly FX 2000? You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s child’s play! Have you even read the reviews on that thing? Did you conduct wind velocity tests and check water submersion quality? You can’t go into this thing half cocked, my friend. You guys really should leave this race to the professionals.”

  “How about we put a little wager on the race?” Jim asks, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. “I’ve got ten bucks on Jenny.”

  Claire gives him a dirty look. “Hey!”

  “Sorry,” Jim says with a shrug. “Jenny kind of is an expert with these things. You’ve only been doing this for a little while. She’s got years on you.”

  The men all place their bets and Jim holds on to the money since he doesn’t have a wife in the race. Liz makes another announcement over the microphone that everyone should get into their assigned tents because the races are starting. Claire and I are going to be in the same tent for the first heat and that calms my nerves quite a bit. Even though Drew will be close by, having a friend with me makes me even more comfortable.

  We all walk together under the tent and greet the other participants. There are six other women and two men. I really don’t understand the men being here and being allowed to participate. How exactly does THAT work? It doesn’t really seem fair since they could do this race pretty easily without a vibrator but whatever. I don't make up the rules. I’m sure Liz knows what she’s doing.

  According to the judge in our tent, everyone in the race will go at the same time. I like that idea better than individually since not everyone will be looking at me. He doesn’t really give any more explanation though, and I stare at the table in front of us in confusion.

  “Am I supposed to just get up on that thing?” I quietly ask Drew.

  He glances around at everyone else and no one is making a move to get on the table. They all have their chosen vibrators out and are testing the speeds on them.

  “I don’t know what the table is for. It’s not like you can all fit on it at one time. Maybe it’s for support. Like, you can hold onto it if you need to. It would have been better if they provided cots or something, but you gotta work with what you got.”

  I shrug and pull the velvet bag out of my pocket, sliding the bullet out and fiddling with the speed control.

  “I know you usually start that thing off slow and work your way up, but now isn’t the time for slow. Crank that puppy up full speed and take these mother fuckers out!” Drew says excitedly.

  “Racers, take your mark!” the judge shouts.

  Everyone starts clapping, whistling, and cheering. I clutch the bullet in my hand, double checking to make sure it’s set to super high speed. I glance over at Claire and she’s got her butterfly resting on top of the table. I notice everyone else in the race has done the same thing.

  Am I supposed to put the bullet on the table too? Is that like the starting off position?

  I decide to do what everyone else is doing and set the silver cylinder on the table top in between a pink rabbit and a yellow dolphin.

  “Get set!” the judge yells.

  Everyone around the table hunches over their toys. Drew and the guys have stepped back a few feet away from us to give us room. I kind of want to tell him to come back closer to me because this is always easier for me if he’s touching me in some way at the same time, but like he had said, I have to work with what I’ve got.

  “GO!” the judge yells, holding a small air horn above his head, pressing the button for a single, loud noise indicating the race has begun.

  I quickly pull the bullet off of the table and close my eyes, pushing my hand clutching the bullet down the front of my pants. Drew’s suggestion of wearing yoga pants with no underwear is genius. I have easy access without having to get naked in front of all of these people.

  I hear screams and shouts of “Go! Go! Go!” from all around me, but I block it all out, hit the power button on the vibrator, and concentrate.

  As soon as the bullet touches my clit, I know this isn’t going to take long at all. I wasn’t lying when I said I missed sex. Not having the time or energy to even masturbate lately has built up my need even more.

  There are some gasps from the crowd and I think I hear someone say, “Oh sweet Jesus,” but I don’t care about what else is going on with the other racers.

  I slide the bullet all around me, and I can already feel the little tingles of pleasure shooting down my legs. I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter and think about the one time Drew and I had sex in our basement on a pile of his old stuffed animals from when he was a child. The things that man can do with a Pound Puppy…

  I can’t stop the moans that escape from my mouth as I hold the bullet still against my clit and let it do all of the work to bring me to completion. I think again about the basement sex and Drew barking and that’s all it takes to send me over the edge into oblivion. I shout my release and my free hand smacks down on top of the table to hold me steady as my orgasm washes through me. When the tingling has stopped and my orgasm is over, I quickly pull the bullet out of my pants and smack it down on the table, throwing both of my arms in the air in victory.

  I was so focused on my orgasm and flashbacks of basement sex that I didn’t even realize how quiet the tent had gotten. I open my eyes and notice people staring at me and all of the vibrators bouncing around on the table.

  “Uh, honey. I think we may have got the rules of the race a little mixed up,” Drew tells me as he comes up behind me.

  Oh my God. Was I the only one masturbating? What the fuck?!

  “Uh, I’m not really sure how to pick the winner of this race,” the judge says from the other side of the table, clearly looking a little confused.

  “Why the fuck didn’t you stop me?” I whisper frantically at Drew.

  “It all happened so fast. And to be honest, it was hot as fuck,” Drew tells me.

  “I do believe I clearly won the wager,” Jim says from the other side of me where Carter and Claire are laughing hysterically. “Judge, I think Jenny here needs to be the winner of this heat for creativity alone.”

  The whole tent lets out a roar of approval and there is so much cheering and clapping that people from other tents have wandered over to see what is going on. I’m so mortified I can’t even move. All I can do is stare at all of the vibrators bouncing up and down on the table in front of me until Claire’s Butterfly FX 2000 inches ahead of the rest and bounces right off of the end of the table where I now see a black and white checkered finish line is painted.

  “Son of a bitch!” Claire shouts. “I would have totally won that thing!”

  “So, babe, about that pep talk before the race-”

  I cut Drew off before he can say anything else. “Don’t even think it. You are NOT getting your brains fucked out tonight!”

  Chapter 15 – Dr. Duke of Earl

  Contrary to popular belief, standing around at a vibrator race and allowing your wife to masturbate in a tent full of strangers when she’s actually supposed to be putting the vibrator down on a table to race it will not get you laid. Even if she promises. I try to get her to change her mind for two hours after we get home. My dad is no help. Once he had found out what happened, I get a forty-five minute lecture on how you’re never supposed to leave a man behind. After he leaves, Jenny tells me to sleep on the couch and console my penis on my own.

  I try. But every time I get a good yank and pull session going, I hear Billy crying upstairs to be fed. It’s all fun and games until your kid starts crying right b
efore you’re going to release the demons. Talk about an erection killer.

  Today, I have the house all to myself and you would think I’d spend it comforting my penis, but no. I have other plans. Jenny took Billy to Claire’s shop with her today while she does some bookkeeping, and Veronica is at preschool for a few hours. I’m using this time wisely. With the help of the little package I had got in the mail yesterday, I am going to fix mine and Jenny’s sex life in just ninety minutes. I ordered a self-help CD called: How to Bring the Spark Back into Your Marriage. I’ve closed the blinds, locked the doors, and put on my favorite motivational shirt: Camel’s Tow Service; ask us about our Moose Knuckle discounts.

  I grab the package from my work bag, where I hid it yesterday after I got the mail, tear into it, and pull out the plastic CD case. Popping it into the stereo system in the living room, I crank up the sound and hit play.

  “Hello and thank you for purchasing: How to Bring the Spark Back into Your Marriage!”

  “You’re quite welcome!” I reply to the man’s voice coming from the speakers. He’s British and British people always sound smart when they talk so this should be good. “’Ello Gov’na!”

  See? He’s already made me smarter. I’m talking British.

  “How ‘bout a spot of tea with the Queen?”

  “Make yourself comfortable as we begin our first lesson.”

  “Don’t mind if I do,” I say as I take a seat on the couch.

  “Lesson One: Compliments. Repeat after me, ‘You look beautiful today, insert name of wife here.’”

  “You look beautiful today, insert name of wife here.”

  “Have you lost weight?”

  “Have you lost weight? Man, this is so easy. I am going to rock this shit.”

  “Take your clothes off and give me a blow job.”

  “Take your clothes off and give me a blow job.”

  “That was a trick. If you repeated that last line, you will never get laid again.”

  “Heeeeey, no fair! What kind of self-help is this shit!”