Rose

  In the months that followed. Mommy's social life continued to grow. There were strings of days when we didn't even see each other, and if there were some dead spots, some days or nights when it appeared there were no dinners to attend, no shows to see, no art galleries and openings to appear at. Charlotte always managed to come up with something for them to do, some additional shopping, some elaborate lunch. She bought Mammy more clothes, more costume jewelry, more shoes. They traded outfits. They became almost inseparable.

  Maybe out of anger or out of frustration and nervousness. I devoted myself to my studies and to the dance lessons Miss Anderson conducted, Soon, it was just the two of us remaining after school. She told me she was a frustrated choreographer and loved the idea that she now had a student with whom or on whom she could experiment. Her idol was Bob Fosse. She had videotapes of his work that we watched together. When she explained and demonstrated something and I tried it, she was always pleased.

  "You've got something. Rose." she said. "You pick all of it up so easily, and you've got the looks and the legs. Think seriously about this." she advised.

  Evan was very supportive and very excited for me. He decided we should create a dance studio and had Nancy Sue and Ames clear everything out of the guest bedroom down the hall from his room. He even ordered some large wall mirrors to be installed. Charlotte didn't oppose it or even acknowledge it with much more than a simple. "How delightful. Rose. You're getting him interested in something other than himself and his dreary computer."

  When Mommy learned about it, she recited almost the exact words, but she rarely stopped by to see me practice. Evan would spend hours with me, sitting in his wheelchair and watching me run through the warm-up exercises and routines.

  "Doesn't all this repetition bore you, Evan?" I asked him. He shook his head vigorously.

  "No. It's like I'm moving through you, with you. You're my legs. I love it," he declared.

  That made me feel good about it, and soon I was able to forget that he was there, that his eyes were fixed on every muscle movement clearly visible in my tights.

  Barry returned every Saturday he could to take me to a movie or to dinner, sometimes just to enjoy a picnic on the grounds, but he still hadn't met Charlotte, nor had Mommy been around when he had arrived. Their weekends were always filled with social activities in and around Atlanta.

  Finally, Evan consented to meet him. I couldn't help being nervous for both of them, but to my delight. Barry knew more about computers than I had anticipated. Once their conversation turned to that, they were both at it around Evan's computer and I felt like a third wheel on my own date. They took great delight in showing each other different Internet sites and showing each other shortcuts.

  "Excuse. me," I said. "but weren't we talking about going to the movies tonight after we had something quick to eat? What are we supposed to eat, a health bar?" I asked with my hands on my hips, nodding at the clock.

  "Oh,' Barry said. "Sorry." I laughed.

  It's all right. I just started to feel lonely," I said, and they both laughed, after which Evan immediately looked guilty for stealing Barry away.

  "Sorry," he said. too.

  "There's nothing for you to apologize far. Evan. Why don't you come out with us?" I suggested.

  It put such terror in his eyes, he couldn't respond for a moment. He looked at Barry and at me and started to shake his head.

  "I know your wheelchair folds up and goes in the car trunk, so don't use that as an excuse," I warned.

  "Sure," Barry said. "Come along with us. You'll love this movie."

  "I can't. I..."

  "Have a date on the Internet?" I punched at him. He turned crimson. "I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I didn't mean..."

  "No, no, it's all right. I did promise to chat with someone. but..."

  "You'll come along?" Barry asked.

  Evan looked at me.

  "Please come. Evan," I pleaded, and he took a breath and nodded. "Okay."

  "Great."

  "I've got to prepare a bit," he said.

  "We'll wait for you in the living room," I said and Barry and I left him.

  "Thanks for doing that. Barry," I said.

  "He's great. No problem," Barry told me and I kissed him.

  It turned out to be a wonderful evening. Evan's interest and excitement in everything we did and saw made both Barry and me feel good, It was almost like taking a child out and watching him experience things you took for granted,

  When we came home. I made us all hot chocolate with whipped cream and we sat around and talked about the movie for a while, Then Evan, looking at me first, excused himself, thanking Barry, and wheeled to his room to let us have some time together. Barry staved later than ever. I was concerned for him, but he insisted. When we began to kiss. I took his hand and stood up, leading him out of the living room, up the stairs, and into my bedroom.

  "The ice is a lot more slippery in here. Rose," he said when I sat on my bed and still held his hand. "Stopping might be impossible."

  "I'm not afraid," I said. "I'd slide anywhere with you."

  He laughed and knelt down before me, putting his head on my lap while I stroked his hair.

  "You're trembling," I said, feeling it.

  "In anticipation." he replied.

  He stood up slowly, leaned over to kiss me, and we started to make love.

  "You're so beautiful. Rose," he said. "but you're so casual and down to earth, you make me feel comfortable. People say beauty is only skin-deep, but it's not true with you. Yours is inside and out. I can't imagine caring for anyone more than I care for you. I love you so much, it makes my heart ache and stops me cold wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. I must look stupid with this silly smile on my face, seeing your face before me no matter who or what is in front of me."

  "I hope you look stupid forever and ever then." I said. He laughed and held me for a moment before bringing his lips to mine and then slowly, in graceful motions, helping me take off my clothing and taking off his. "I came prepared," he whispered. "Just in case we found ourselves on the ice."

  "Slide," I urged him.

  Daddy used to say that if you build something up too much, no matter how wonderful it is, you'll be disappointed.

  "Keep a lid on your expectations. Rose. Take things slowly, enjoy the surprises."

  I tried so hard not to expect bells ringing or feel myself floating on clouds, all the things I read in books. This was my reality, my entrance into womanhood. Anyone could have sex anytime, but to have it with love was what I was longing for and hoping would happen. It was the only dream I permitted, the one expectation I would not deny myself.

  And it was all that I had imagined it would be. We were gentle with each other and loving. We did feel connected, a part of each other in a deeper way. It seemed to me we tasted each other's very souls, and when it was over, we held onto each other to prolong the moment and put it forever and ever indelibly on the very face of our hearts.

  When Barry and I stepped out of my bedroom, we walked right into Charlotte coming up the stairs. She paused, a wide, salacious smile on her face. Mammy was not with her.

  "Is this your boyfriend from the past?" she asked. Barry looked nervously at me.

  "No. He's my boyfriend from the present. Barry Burton, this is Charlotte Alden Curtis."

  "Hello," Barry said.

  "Is Rose giving you a tour of the house?"

  She laughed and continued up the stairs.

  "Don't wait up for your mother," she said as she passed me.

  I felt the blood rush into my face and quickly continued down the stairs. Without a word. I walked out of the house.

  "What did she mean?" Barry asked.

  "My mother is enjoying the social life Charlotte has found for her. She seems to take pleasure in my uneasiness about it," I said, firing a hot look back at the doorway.

  "Will you be all right?"

  "Yes," I said. "Don't worry, Barry."

  He nodded a
nd then kissed me good night. I watched him leave and looked toward the darkness that closed in around his car, wondering where Mommy would be spending the night tonight and what would become of us.

  All the next day. Mommy's behavior and new lifestyle gnawed at me. At dance practice. Miss Anderson immediately saw something was bothering me.

  "You're missing beats. Rose," she said. We were rehearsing for the spring variety show. I was going to do an interpretive dance she had choreographed, 'Something wrong?"

  At first I shook my head and just started dancing again, Then I stopped and started to cry. It was as if my tears had control of me. I couldn't stop them and I couldn't stop shaking.

  Miss Anderson put her arm around me and led me to the chair. "Can I help you?" she asked.

  I swallowed the heavy throat lump and took a deep breath. "No," I said. "It's not something anyone can help. I guess."

  "Try me." she pleaded.

  I told her about Mommy and how she had changed so much. She listened with a look of concern, nodding occasionally with understanding.

  "Maybe you don't realize how lost she was after your father's passing. Rose. She had to find a way out of her pain. too."

  "She's just so changed," I moaned.

  "Great events change you sometimes," Miss Anderson said. She went on to tell me how she had been a very shy girl most of her life. She revealed that she had an older sister who had died from Hodgkin's disease.

  "She was beautiful and bright and well on her way to becoming a dancer, too. She was like you born with natural rhythm, graceful, with the ability to touch people's hearts and souls through her dancing. When she died, it broke my mother and father's hearts. I felt an obligation to fill her shoes and smothered my shyness. I had to wash the gloom out of their eyes. Great events change you she repeated.

  "I guess," I said, wiping my cheeks.

  "Your mother will be fine," she said. "Give her a chance. She won't forget who you are and who she is to you, I'm sure."

  I nodded and smiled. "Thanks."

  "I can't have my star being sad unless it's part of the dance." she declared, and I laughed. "Ready?"

  "Yes."

  I was back at it and much better. During the months that followed. I continued to practice at home for Evan and, occasionally, when Barry arrived early on the weekends. I danced for him as well. They were a great audience, boosting my confidence with their clapping and howling.

  Evan went out with us more often, sometimes just for a ride, sometimes to eat and go to a movie. We took him shopping at the mall as well, where he and Barry pondered over new computer software products. Often, I would be sitting outside the store, waiting for them. Beside me on the benches were husbands who had brought their wives and were patiently waiting as well. It made me laugh to see the expressions on their faces when they realized I was the one waiting for my boyfriend and my half-brother to shop until they dropped and not the other way around.

  The spring variety show was coming upon us fast, and with every passing day, even- new morning that I woke and realized how close we were, my heart increased the speed of its beat. It got so I was almost frozen in my bed, afraid to start my day at school. I saw my name up on the posters in the hallways, heard my teachers talking among themselves. They were all telling me how much they were looking forward to my performance. Miss Anderson wasn't sparing any adjectives describing me, it seemed. I begged her not to blow me up so high in everyone's eyes,

  "I'll never meet their expectations," I cried.

  "They'd have to be total clods," she replied. "Stop worrying. You can't help being who and what you are. Rose. I can feel it." she declared with such drama. I was mesmerized. "Stopping it would be like trying to hold back the sun."

  Her words took my breath away and filled me with exaltation. Soon I was eating, breathing, sleeping dance. I would wake up in the morning exhausted and imagined that I had gotten up and dance- walked instead of sleepwalked.

  I don't know how many times I reminded Mammy about the upcoming performance, but I was terrified she wouldn't show up because she would have some social obligation or another. She was still seeing Grover Fleming. Every time she mentioned his name to me. I held my breath, anticipating her telling me he had proposed or something, but that didn't come, and I began to wonder if Miss Anderson wasn't right, after all. Mammy was just trying to find herself again and wasn't making any new lifelong

  commitments.

  Finally, the Saturday of the variety show arrived. Barry and I had convinced Evan to go shopping for a new suit. Barry said he would come early in the morning to take him. I pleaded with Evan to do it, claiming it would help me keep my mind off my performance and help me to be less nervous. He had access to credit cards and funds. He was nervous about it, but he truly enjoyed the day with us. Barry helped him try on the clothes and I sat and passed judgment on how he looked. He was so shy and embarrassed, his face was like a red rose most of the time, but in the end. I could see the pleasure in his eyes when he held his packages in his lap. He even agreed to have his hair styled and shortened.

  "My two escorts," I declared when we returned to the house that day.

  "Your two big fans, you mean." Barry cried.

  The three of us laughed. We carried our merriment with us into the house, all three of us ravenously hungry from excitement more than anything, I suppose. However, the moment we entered the house, I could sense that something was different. For one thing, when Nancy Sue saw me, she shifted her eyes away quickly. Even Ames gazed at me longer and then moved along as if he was

  uncomfortable in my presence.

  "You two go ahead," I said to Barry and Evan. "I'll join you in a minute. I want to talk to my mother," I said and hurried up the stairs to her bedroom. The car was still in the garage and Ames was here. so I knew she hadn't left for any social affair with Charlotte. She better not be planning to do so, I thought.

  The door was closed. I knocked, waited, knocked and called to her.

  Charlotte stepped out of her bedroom. She was wearing one of her Armani tuxedo suits.

  "Oh. Rose honey, you were gone so long.' she said with her usual syrupy sweetness. 'Monica waited and waited as long as she could."

  "What? What do you mean, waited? Waited why?"

  "To say good-bye, of course," she declared with a wide, gleeful smile.

  "Good-bye?" I shook my head. "No. Tonight's the variety show. She didn't go off to one of her social events tonight. No," I insisted and opened the door to find Mammy and prove Charlotte wrong.

  Not only wasn't she there. but there was a new sense of emptiness to the room itself. I saw one of the closet doors was nearly half open, revealing naked hangers. The top of her vanity table was cleared. Gone was all her makeup.

  I spun around. Charlotte stood in the doorway, gloating. "Where is she?"

  "A wonderful thing has happened," Charlotte said. "Grover has asked her to be with him. They've gone off together."

  'Be with him? I don't understand. What does that mean? Marry him?"

  "Well, marriage wasn't specifically mentioned," she said. She scrunched her nose. "'People today often just run off and live together. It's less intimidating." She pealed off a laugh and turned.

  "When is she coming back? Didn't she leave a letter, a note for me?"

  "Oh, yes." she said, turning at the top of the stairs. "She did mention a note or something. I think she said she would leave it on your bed. I'm sorry I can't come to your performance tonight, but there's an event for the mayor of Atlanta that I just must attend. Break a leg," she added. It was the traditional good wish for a performer, but in her case. I thought she meant it literally.

  She started down the stairway, and I rushed into my room. There was a small envelope on my pillow. I seized it and ripped the envelope impatiently,

  Dear Rose,

  Please forgive me for not attending your dance recital tonight, but a -wonderful thing has happened. Grover has asked me to be with him, to be his special
lady. We're off to vacation in Hilton Head, South Carolina. It sort of a test to see how we'll do around each other night and day. I know well do well. I know this seems impulsive, but I remember how your father enjoyed being impulsive. There's something to be said for it. I feel like a young girl again. I feel the sun will shine forever on my face.

  Charlotte has promised to look after you and any of your needs. She's really been a great friend to one and she will be to you, I'm sure. She's happy about what you've done for Evan and so am I.

  I'll call you as soon as I stop to take a breath. Be happy: for me.

  Love,

  Monica

  My fingers weakened and the letter floated out of my hand to the floor. I felt so hollow inside. My muscular new legs lost all their strength and I sank as well. Lying there. I sobbed and sobbed until it hurt.

  Because I took so long to meet Barry and Evan. Barry came up to see what was wrong and found me lying on the floor, my eyes closed, my hand now clutching Mommy's note.

  "Rose!" he cried, rushing to my side. "What's wrong?"

  I sat up slowly and wiped my cheeks. Then I just handed him the note. He read it quickly and looked at me.

  "You had no idea this was going to happen today?"

  "No," I said. "I always had an aching fear. but I didn't think it was going to happen this fast. And today of all days!"

  "I'm sorry." he said, looking at the note. "I know it's hard for you," he added. "but you can't let this spoil your performance. Rose. You've worked too hard."

  "How could she do this?"

  "I'll be there for you and so will Evan, and we'll clap enough for four people," he promised, to bring a smile back to my dreary face.

  I didn't smile but I rose and we went down to have something to eat. Evan took one look at me and knew immediately something very serious had happened. I told him and he, too, told me how sorry he was but how important it was for me not to get myself so depressed that I would ruin my

  performance.

  "The show must go on!" he cried. He and Barry did their best to cheer me up. They clowned around and made jokes. Barry imitating me warming up and Evan pretending he was a stern dance instructor shouting orders.