Tribute

  hospital. The patio had been repaired, the new slate laid, with the walkways roped and dug except for the one she’d added to the plans. The one leading to the barn. Yellow crime-scene tape crossed over her barn door like ugly ribbon over a nasty gift. She stared at it as Shanna dropped her shovel and raced over the lawn.

  Cilla willed her compassion back into place. She wasn’t the only one worried and distressed. “There’s no change.” She gripped Shanna’s extended hand.

  The rest of the landscape crew stopped working, and some of the men from inside the house stepped out. “No change,” she repeated, lifting her voice. “They’ve got him in ICU, monitoring him, and they’ll be doing tests. All we can do is wait.”

  “Are you going back?” Shanna asked her.

  “Yeah, in a little while.”

  “Brian?”

  Brian gave Shanna a quick nod. “Go ahead.”

  Yanking her phone out of her pocket, Shanna strode toward the front of the house.

  “Her sister can pick her up,” Brian explained. He pulled his cap off his short brown hair, raked grimy fingers through it. “She wanted to knock off when you got here, go by and see Steve herself.”

  “Good. That’s good.”

  “The rest of us, and Matt and Dobby and such, we’ll go by, too. Don’t know as they’ll let us in to see him, but we’ll go by. Shanna had a jag earlier. She’s blaming herself.”

  “Why?”

  “If she’d let him stay the night, and so on.” Sighing, he replaced his cap. After one glance at Ford, he got the picture. Taking off his sunglasses, he focused his summer blue eyes on Cilla. “I told her there’s no ifs, and no blame except for whoever did that to Steve. Start hauling out the ifs and the blame, you could just as soon say if Steve hadn’t gone out to play pool, if he hadn’t gone in the barn. And that’s crap. Best thing is to hold good thoughts. Anyway.”

  He took a bandanna out of his pocket to wipe the sweat from his face. “The cops were here, as I guess you can see. Asking questions. I can’t say what they’re thinking about this.”

  “I hope they’ve stopped thinking he was drunk and did that to himself.”

  “Shanna set them straight on the drunk part.”

  “Good.” It loosened one of the multitude of knots in her belly. “I met your mother.”

  “Did you?”

  “At the hospital. She was a lot of help. Well.” Tears continued to burn the back of her eyes as she stared into the sunlight. “The patio looks good.”

  “Helps to have work.”

  “Yeah. So give me some, will you?”

  “That I can do.” He shot a smile at Ford. “How about you? Want a shovel?”

  “I like to watch,” Ford said easily. “And I’ve got to check on Spock.”

  “Just as well. Give this guy a shovel or a pick?” he said to Cilla. “And if there’s a pipe or a cable in the ground, he’ll hit it, first cut.”

  “That only happened once. Maybe twice,” Ford qualified.

  WHEN THE CREW KNOCKED OFF, she knocked off with them and hit the shower. She wanted to say she felt human again, but was still well shy of the mark. Like an automaton, she pulled on fresh clothes. She decided she’d buy some magazines, something to occupy her mind at the hospital, and maybe snag a sandwich from a vending machine.

  When she jogged downstairs, Ford stood in her unfinished living room.

  “I’d say you’re making progress, but I don’t know that much about it, and it doesn’t look like it to me.”

  “We’re making progress.”

  “Good. I’ve got dinner out on the veranda. Spock sends his regards, as he’s dining at home this evening.”

  “Dinner? Listen, I—”

  “You have to eat. So do I.” He grabbed her hand, pulled her out. “We’ve got my secondary specialty.”

  She stared at the paper plates and cups, the bottle of wine and the can of Coke. And in the center of the folding table sat a dish of macaroni and cheese.

  “You made mac and cheese?”

  “Yeah, I did. That is, I put the package in the microwave and programmed according to directions. It’s mac and cheese if you aren’t too fussy.” He poured some wine in a paper cup. “And the wine’ll help it along.”

  “You’re not having wine.”

  “That’s ’cause I like the nuked version just fine, and I’m driving you to the hospital.”

  A hot meal, companionship. Help. All offered, she thought, without a need for asking. “You don’t have to do that, do this.”

  He pulled her chair out, nudged her into it. “It’s more satisfying to do something you don’t have to do.”

  “Why are you?” She looked up, into his eyes. “Why are you doing this for me?”

  “You know what, Cilla, I’m not entirely sure. But . . .” He pressed his lips to her forehead before he sat. “I believe you matter.”

  She clutched her hands in her lap as he scooped out two heaping spoons of the macaroni and cheese onto her plate. Then, to clear her throat, she took a sip of wine. “That’s the second thing you’ve said to me today no one else ever has.”

  Those eyes of his lifted, zeroed in on hers. “No one ever told you you mattered?”

  “Maybe Steve. In different words, in different ways. But no, not just that way.”

  “You do. Go on and eat. That stuff gets cold, it turns to cement.”

  “The second thing—or the first, actually, that you said to me today was you wouldn’t leave me alone.”

  He only looked at her, and she couldn’t tell if it was pity or understanding, or simply patience, on his face. Whatever it was, she knew it was exactly what she needed. And so much what she’d never expected to find.

  “I guess you meant it, because here you are.” She stabbed up a forkful, slid it into her mouth and smiled around it. “It’s terrible. Thanks,” she said and stabbed another bite.

  “You’re welcome.”

  THERE WAS NO CHANGE when they arrived at the hospital, and no change when they left hours later. Cilla slept with the phone clutched in her hand, willing it to ring, willing the on-duty nurse to call to tell her Steve was awake and lucid.

  But no call came. The dreams did.

  SHENANDOAH VALLEY 1960

  “This is how it looked, the first time I saw it. My little farm.”

  In red capri pants, a white shirt tied at the midriff and white Keds, Janet strolled arm in arm with Cilla. Janet’s sunshine hair bounced in a jaunty ponytail.

  “Of course, that’s not true—exactly—as when I first came here there were the trailers, the lights, the cables, the trucks. The city we make on locations. You know.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  “But we’re looking through that now. As I did then. What do you see?”

  “A pretty house, with simple lines. A family home with wide, welcoming porches with old rocking chairs where you can sit and do absolutely nothing. Sweet little gardens and big shade trees.”

  “Keep going.”

  “The big red barn, and oh! Horses in the paddock!” Cilla rushed over to the paddock fence, thrilled with the breeze that fluttered through her hair and rippled the manes on the mare and her foal. “They’re so beautiful.”

  “Did you always want a pony?”

  “Of course.” Laughing, Cilla turned her head to smile at Janet. “Every little girl wants a pony. And a puppy, a kitten.”

  “But you never got them.”

  “No, I had call sheets and script changes. You know.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  “A chicken house! Just listen to them cluck.” The sound made her laugh again. “And pigs rooting in their pen. Look at the fields. Is that corn? And there’s a kitchen garden. I can see the tomatoes from here. I could grow tomatoes.”

  Janet’s smile was both indulgent and amused. “And have a pony, a puppy and a kitten.”

  “Is that what I want? I’m not ten anymore. Is that what I want? I can’t seem to figure it out. Is it what
you wanted?”

  “I wanted everything I didn’t have, and if I got it, it was never exactly what I wanted after all. Or in the long run. Even this place.” She swept out an arm, a graceful dancer’s gesture, to encompass the farm. “I fell in love, but then I fell easy and often, as everyone knows, and out again. And I thought, I have to have it.”

  Lifting both her arms, Janet turned, circle after circle. “The family home with the wide, welcoming porches, the big red barn, tomatoes on the vine. That’s what I’ve never had. But I can buy it, I can own it.” She stopped spinning. “Then, of course, I had to change it. The gardens had to be lusher, the colors bolder, the lights brighter. I needed bright, bright lights. And even though I made it bolder, brighter, even though I brought the stars here to stroll like Gatsby’s ghosts across the lawn, it never really changed. It never lost its welcome. And I never fell out of love.”

  “You came here to die.”

  “Did I?” Janet cocked her head, looked up under her lashes, suddenly sly. “You wonder, don’t you? It’s one of the reasons you’re here. Secrets—we all have them. Yours are here, too. It’s why you came. You told yourself you’d put it back, as it was, and somehow put me back. But like me, you’ll make changes. You already have. It’s not me you’re looking for. It’s you.”

  In the dream she felt a quick shiver, a chill from truth. “There is no me without you. I see you when I look in the mirror. I hear you when I speak. There’s a filter over it all, just enough to dim the brilliance, but you’re under there.”

  “Did you want the pony or the call sheets, Cilla?”

  “For a while, I wanted both. But I’d have been happier with the pony.” Cilla nodded, looked back toward the house. “Yes, and the family home. You’re right. That’s why I’m here. But it’s not enough. The secrets, the shadows of them. They’re still here. People get hurt in the dark. Steve got hurt in the dark.”

  “Then turn on the lights.”

  “How?”

  “I’m just a dream.” Janet smiled, shrugged. “I don’t have any answers.”

  WHEN SHE WOKE, Cilla grabbed the phone she’d dropped in her sleep and speed-dialed the hospital.

  No change.

  She lay in the dim light of predawn, the phone pressed between her breasts, wondering if she should feel fear or relief. He hadn’t died in the night, hadn’t slipped away from her while she slept. But he still lay trapped in that between world, that place between life and death.

  So she’d go talk to him, nag him, browbeat him into waking up. She climbed out of bed, cleaned herself up. She’d make coffee, she thought, make lists for any of the subs she might miss while she was at the hospital.

  As she passed the next bedroom she stopped, and studied Ford. He slept half in, half out of the sleeping bag. And what was out, she had to admit, was very nice.

  The dog curled at the foot of the bag, snoring like a chain saw in mid-massacre. Ford hadn’t wanted Spock to spend the night alone, she remembered, and went to get him when they returned from the hospital. Went to get his dog, she thought, after he told her he’d be sleeping in the spare room.

  He wouldn’t leave her alone.

  She went down, made the coffee, drinking hers on the back veranda. There had been no patio in the dream, but her subconscious had known Janet had added that, and the walkways. The crops in the field, another given. The kitchen garden? She couldn’t remember if that had been original, or one of Janet’s additions. Either way, it was something she herself wanted.

  And the barn? It was no longer red. That bright color had weathered away long ago. The coffee turned bitter in her throat as she stared at the yellow tape crossing the door. If Steve died, she’d tear the bastard down. Tear it down, burn it, and everything inside it.

  Squeezing her eyes shut, she battled back the anger that wanted to scream out of her. If he lived, she told herself, if he came back whole, she’d paint it that bright, happy red again. Red with white trim.

  “Please, God.”

  Why God gave a damn if she burned the barn to the ground or painted it red with yellow smiley faces she couldn’t say. But it was the best she had.

  She went back inside, poured another mug and carried it upstairs to Ford.

  She sat cross-legged beside him and, sipping her own second cup of coffee, gave him a good study. Unlike his dog, he didn’t snore, which added points in his favor, but the way he sprawled indicated bed hog. Points deducted. He had a good growth of stubble going, considering he hadn’t shaved the day before, but she had to admit it added a sexy edge to the package.

  He wasn’t what she’d call buff or ripped, but reasonably toned over a build that leaned toward skinny. Just a touch of gawkiness, she mused. Add a few cute points for that.

  He had good arms. Strong, lean rather than bulky. Best, she thought, they knew how to hold on. Major points, she decided. He just kept racking them up.

  And the lips—top score. Leaning over, she rubbed hers to his. He made a humming sound in his throat, reached out. When she eased back, his eyes blinked open.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself.”

  “Did you have a bad dream?”

  “No. A strange one, but I’m prone to them. It’s morning.”

  “Uh-uh.” He shifted enough to turn his wrist, blink at his watch. At the foot of the bag, Spock yawned, a high-pitched whine, then went back to snoring. “Nope. Six-forty isn’t morning. Crawl in here with me. I’ll prove it.”

  “Tempting.” More so when he tugged her head down again and improved, considerably, on her casual wake-up kiss. “Very tempting,” she said. “But some of the crew should be pulling up in about twenty minutes.”

  “I can get it done in twenty minutes.” He winced. “That probably didn’t translate to my advantage.”

  “Have coffee.” She held out the mug, waved it slowly under his nose.

  “You brought me coffee?” He sat up, took the first sip. “Now you have to marry me.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, and bear me eight young, dance naked for my pleasure every Tuesday and wake me with coffee—that’s after the sex—every morning. It’s the law of Kroblat.”

  “Who’s Kroblat?”

  “Not who. The planet Kroblat. It’s a very spiritual place,” he decided on the spot. “I try to live my life by its laws. So, we’ll have to get married and all the rest.”

  “We’ll get on that, first chance.” She brushed her hand over his hair. “Thanks for staying.”

  “Hey, I got coffee, a wife and eight kids out of it. You checked on Steve?”

  “No change. I’m going to go see him. Maybe I can bitch-talk him awake, you know?”

  “Maybe. Give me ten minutes, I’ll drive you.”

  “No. No, I’m fine. I’m going to sit with him awhile, nag him awhile. Then I’m going to pick up some supplies and materials, drop