Affirmation

Page 3

  Damn him and his confidence and yeah, his arrogance. He knows good and well I would have capitulated with a few more soft touches and hot words, and I know it, too. So it appears that he’s not punishing me.

  Which means that he would rather go get drunk with a bunch of guys than come home with me and attempt to break my headboard. The thought makes me feel utterly dejected and if my self-esteem had balls, they just took a swift kick there.

  I’m not sure what expression my face is wearing because something softens in Matt’s eyes. His hand comes up to tuck under my chin, and his thumb strokes my lower lip. “I promise… tomorrow you and I will do something special, okay?”

  Blinking hard so the tears that have been threatening to expose me for a weak, puny, sissy girl don’t fall, I nod. He leans in and gives me a light kiss, and then he’s gone.

  As scheduled, I show up the next morning to Kylie’s office with a cup of black coffee for her and another latte for me. When she calls me into her office, I find her rooting around her in her purse. She looks up and grimaces. “Oh, McKayla. Do you have an aspirin or something? I have a raging headache. ”

  Actually, I do as I keep a supply in my briefcase because hello… nothing causes a headache like the law. Reaching in, I grab two and hand them to her along with her coffee.

  She tosses them back, swigs the coffee, and swallows with a groan. “Thank you. ”

  “Sure. Are you okay, though? You look a little pale. Maybe you should go home. ”

  Kylie gives me an indulgent smile. “A headache is no reason to leave work. Hell, I’d still work if I had the raging flu. Sick days are for pussies. ”

  Oh-kay.

  So she’s a hard-core worker. Big f**king deal.

  “Besides,” she continues on, “it’s my own damn fault. I shouldn’t have drunk so much last night. ”

  Sitting down at her table, I pull my file out of my briefcase and start pulling out the items I need to go over with her. I could really care less if she’s a raging alcoholic or what, but she seems intent on continuing to talk.

  “You would think I’d learn my lesson, right? I mean, I went out with a bunch of friends the night before that and got toasted. I was so miserable. But I guess the lure of Matt was just too much to pass up. ”

  I had only been half listening to her but at the mention of Matt’s name, I went on hyper alert. Every cell in my body sort of woke up and turned their antennas toward Kylie.

  “Lure of Matt?” I ask, trying to sound like I’m only slightly interested when in truth, I want to water board the information out of her.

  She gives me a tinkling laugh, and then grimaces because it apparently hurts her head. “Yeah, I went out with him and a bunch of the other lawyers here last night. We closed the bar down. But now I’m paying for it. ”

  Kylie actually goes on and says something more about her night out, but I don’t hear a word. That’s because a strange sort of buzzing has just filled my head. It gets louder and louder, until I can’t hear a thing that Kylie is saying at all. All I can see is her mouth moving.

  It occurs to me that this incessant buzzing sound is actually the blood that is pounding through my veins, and the tingling over my skin means that I am so angry right now that I may be on the verge of stroking out.

  I mumble something to Kylie… I’m not sure exactly what I told her, but she nods at me, so I get up from the table and practically stumble out of her office.

  Once outside, I lean back against the wall and try for some deep breathing exercises. I must calm myself down because otherwise, I am in very serious jeopardy of doing severe bodily harm to Matt.

  The motherfucker told me it was a guy’s night out, which is why I assumed I wasn’t invited, and yet, he invited Kylie.

  Motherfucker!

  While I am brimming with anger, I’m also starting to notice a deep sadness start to well up inside of me because I knew something had been wrong for several days.

  It went back to the day Marissa came to Matt’s apartment to get Gabe. He has not been the same since. I’ve sensed the change in him, but I couldn’t quite put a name to what was going on. But now I see it just as clear as day.

  Matt is trying to sabotage our relationship.

  Now, whether he’s doing it intentionally because he doesn’t want to be with me, or he’s doing it subconsciously because he is still ruled and commanded by his bitter feelings of betrayal and hurt, I just don’t know.

  But I can tell you… I’m going to find out right now.

  By the time I make it down to Matt’s office, the buzzing in my head has waned and the only outward sign of my distress is the slight shake to my hand as I knock on his door. He calls softly for me to enter and, when I walk in, I can see that he’s meeting with another attorney. It’s Rob Something-or-Other from litigation… one of his drinking buddies from last night from what I remember Matt saying.

  They were both clearly laughing about something when I walked in, both of them looking assured and relaxed.

  “I need to talk to you,” I manage to get out with a level voice while I look at Matt.

  His smile stays in place even as his tone dismisses me. “Can this wait until later? Rob and I were just in the middle of something. ”

  I close my eyes briefly and take in two deep breaths.

  I will not kill him. I will not kill him.

  Opening my eyes back up, I say, “I’m sorry. It’s urgent. ”

  Then I turn to Rob and say, “I’m sorry, Rob. I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t really important. ”

  Rob stands with ease and says, “No problem. I’ll catch you later, Matt. ”

  Matt just nods his head toward Rob briefly and watches him walk out the door. As soon as we’re alone, his gaze turns to me. I’m pleased to see he doesn’t have such a smug look on his face now.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks with some hesitation. Apparently, whatever is on my face is giving him forewarning that this will not be a pleasant conversation.

  His eyes are warm and shining like a tumbler of whiskey. His face is classically beautiful, and never fails to give me pause when I stare at it. But right now… right now, I’m seeing a whole lot of ugly when it comes to Matt.

  I walk up to his desk, put my palms on the edge so they aren’t shaking as badly, and say, “I want to know why you lied to me last night. ”

  Matt swallows hard once, but his eyes give away nothing. I don’t see guilt, remorse, or even annoyance from my statement. “How exactly do you think I lied?”

  No sense in beating around the bush. “You told me you were going out with the boys last night, and I get that. It’s good to have a boy’s night out, even if it did hurt my feelings a little that you wouldn’t rather be with me. Still… I let it go. Except I come in this morning to find out that your boy’s night wasn’t such a boy’s night after all. It appears you invited Kylie to go with you and from what I can tell, she doesn’t have a dick swinging between her legs. ”

  My last words are bordering on the shrill side as my anger threatens to overwhelm me again. I expect Matt to come raging at me with a fight. I can almost feel the tension vibrating off him.

  Instead, he shows immense calm when he says, “I didn’t invite her. One of the other guys did. ”

  I knew he was going to say that. I have no clue if it’s true or not because I didn’t bother to ask Kylie the details. But it doesn’t matter. “Then how come you didn’t invite me once you realized she was coming? Once you realized it wasn’t just a ‘boy’s night out’?”

  Now Matt looks a little uncomfortable and I know, without a doubt, that he had in fact considered it, but for some reason, decided against it. “I couldn’t invite you, Mac. People can’t know we’re together. ”

  “Bullshit,” I seethe. “I’ve been in your presence plenty of times around other members of this firm, and we both could have had fun last night without ever giving anything away. But the truth of the matter is—you just did
n’t want me there. You wanted space from me, and I want to know why. ”

  “Mac,” he says in a gentle voice, trying to talk my anger down. “It’s not a big deal—”

  “Tell me the truth,” I beg.

  “You’re making this—”

  “TELL. ME,” I yell at him across the desk as I slap my hands down.

  “Calm down,” he hisses at me. “Do you want everyone to know about us?”

  My voice quiets, and it’s so very sad when I say, “Know what, Matt? What is there exactly to know?”

  Matt leans back in his chair with a heavy sigh, and I can see resignation fill his face. “I don’t know what to tell you, Mac. I’ve been trying. I really have. But lately… it just seems like a lot of work. ”

  “I seem like a lot of work?” I ask disbelieving. “You mean… it’s a real chore for you to have to get it up for me?”

  I know that’s a ridiculous accusation but I’m feeling so hurt and attacked right now, I can’t help myself.

  “NO! That’s not what I’m saying. I’m insanely attracted to you. You have to know that. ”

  “Then why is it work?”

  “Because… because you wanted more than just sex, and I tried to give it to you. But lately… it just seems too hard. Ever since…”

  He trails off and doesn’t finish his sentence, but I know what he was going to say. Because I had already thought the same thing. “You mean ever since Marissa came over to your apartment that day. That was the day she reminded you that you’ve been screwed over and all women must therefore be the same as her. Thus, none of us are good enough to get the great Matthew Fucking Connover’s full attention. I mean, if we’re lucky girls… he’ll f**k us and f**k us good, but he’ll never let us into his heart. No woman is apparently good enough to warrant that type of attention from you, right? Because poor little Matt had his feelings hurt, and now he wants to wallow in misery. Boo f**king hoo, Matt. Boo f**king hoo. ”

  I finish my little rant and my chest is heaving, but apparently, I did a good job of pissing Matt off because now he stands up on the opposite side of his desk and leans over to snarl at me. “Don’t you think you may be trivializing what I’ve been through just a bit? This isn’t easy on me, you know. ”

  I’m not sure if he’s trying to get sympathy or trying to justify his actions, but neither course matters to me very much. I’m seeing clearly now that Matt is comfortable with the way things are in his life. He clearly only craves physicality and could do without emotional intimacy. So be it. I know I need more than that, and I’m not going to waste another minute trying to make him into something he has no desire to be.

  Spinning away from him, I start to walk out, but then a thought strikes me. Turning back around, I decide to hit him hard with something I had been dying to say for weeks.

  “Cal didn’t initiate sex with Marissa. ”

  Matt’s eyebrows shoot straight up, and then his face goes red, his eyes stark. “I don’t want to hear this. ”

  I’m not about to shut up. “He was drunk at her party. I understand you were out of state and your plane got delayed, so you couldn’t make it in. Marissa offered him the guest room, and he accepted. ”

  “Enough, Mac,” he says, his voice getting louder as he steps around the desk toward me.

  “He was really, really drunk… on the verge of passing out. In fact, he thinks he did pass out for a little bit, but when he came too—”

  “Get the f**k out,” Matt yells at me. “I don’t want to hear this. ”

  I sidestep around the other side of his desk to buy myself time. “Tough titties, you chicken shit pansy. You’re going to listen. Cal sort of woke up, and Marissa was in bed with him… giving him a bl*w j*b. He tried to push her off at first, but he admits… he didn’t try hard. He was drunk and didn’t have much control. She climbed on top of him, Matt. He let it happen, for a while. Then he came to his senses a bit and stopped it. I mean, the act had still been done… but he stopped it. ”