Clarity

I must have dozed off for a few hours, when a piercing noise startles me awake. For a moment, I’m not sure where I am, or why there’s hard plastic digging into my back and making my spine ache. I try to move, and find that my whole body feels frozen. When I hear a man groan, and another curse, I am reminded that I am in a vehicle with two strange young doctors.

  The high-pitched noise continues to drone on, and I realize that it is my cell phone. I reach down to my backpack and fumble to unzip it with my stiff fingers. The metal is cold and it makes me wince.

  “Answer it already!” Owen says with sleepy annoyance.

  “I’m trying,” I say as I feel around for my phone. When my hand finally connects with the item, it takes me a few tries to answer. “Hello?” I finally say, bringing it close to my ear. My voice is hoarse and my hands are so cold that they hurt. When I breathe out, I can almost feel the cloud of water vapor hovering around my face. There is nothing on the other end of the line. “Helloooo?” I say again.

  The sound of soft crying filters into my ear.

  “Carmen?” I say with concern, sitting straight up and at alert. “Is everything okay?”

  “No. No. I’m freaking out.” She takes several deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. “I’m getting married today. Today.”

  “Just relax,” I command in a stern, take-charge voice. “What’s going on?”

  “Oh, Helen. I’m just so stressed out. Where are you? I was hoping you’d show up last night. Aren’t you coming? I thought you’d be coming.”

  “Yeah,” I tell her, groaning and repositioning my sore body. Liam has turned on the car to begin warming us up, but it hasn’t started working yet. “I’m on my way to you. I was living in New Hampshire, so it’s a bit of a trip.”

  “Thank goodness,” Carmen says, and her tears abate almost immediately. “I can’t wait to see you! How long until you get here?”

  “Uh. I don’t know. A few hours?”

  “Great! Oh, I’m so glad you’re coming home, Hellie. I invited a bunch of great guys that I went to school with, so maybe I can introduce them to you, and one of them can be your date!”

  “Wait, what?” I say grouchily, blinking and rubbing my eyes. My vision might not work, but my eyes still feel gross after sleeping for a few hours. “A date? Why do I need a date?”

  “Because you’re my sister! You can’t be single at your sister’s wedding. Everyone knows that. We need to find a handsome man for you to wear on your arm. There’s this guy, Brad—I met him in a philosophy class, but now he’s a copyright lawyer. He’s very passionate about intellectual property. I figured that you two might have something in common, since he sort of works with books?”

  “Carmen, are you insane?” I say angrily, clutching my head. “I don’t want to date some douchebag lawyer. I’m coming to your wedding because I care about you, not because I want to get set up with random freaks. With your horrible taste in men? Brad is probably a closet serial-killer.”

  “No way! He’s a total sweetheart. You’re going to love him. In addition to being Grayson’s best man, he’s also so sexy...”

  “No,” I say firmly. “Carmen, do you hear me? I swear to God. If you set me up with someone, I’m not coming. I am not in the mood for this garbage.”

  “But... Helen. You have to come. I told Daddy that you were coming, and he already bought your favorite red velvet cupcakes.” Carmen sighs. “I didn’t want to tell you this, but Dad hasn’t been doing so well lately. He had a minor heart attack...”

  “A heart attack?” I repeat dumbly. Remembering my mother’s death, my entire body is seized by a panic. “Is he... is he okay?”

  “Sure. He’s fine, but he’ll be better if you get your cute butt down here!”

  I shove my forehead into the upholstery of the backseat. “Carm, are you lying to manipulate me?”

  “No way, honey. I’m just reminding you of your responsibility to your family,” Carmen says innocently. “And part of that responsibility is to date Brad!”

  I gnash my teeth together angrily. An idea suddenly strikes me. It’s horrible, but it just might work. I glance toward the front seats where the two doctors are sitting, and I bite my lip as a smile begins to transform my features.

  “No,” Liam whispers. “Whatever you’re planning, don’t do it!”

  I have to ignore him for the sake of self-preservation. “I have to be honest with you, Carmen. The reason I didn’t want to date Brad... is because I have a boyfriend. I’m bringing a date to your wedding.”

  Liam groans and Owen chuckles.

  “You have a boyfriend?” Carmen exclaims in shock. “You? No way! Little Hellie has a boyfriend? I don’t believe it!”

  “Yeah. I didn’t want to tell you because... I wanted to surprise you,” I lie awkwardly. “He’s... uh... he’s a doctor.”

  “Pick me,” Owen whispers. “Pick me!”

  I am stricken with a mental image of Owen enthusiastically discussing porn with my sister and family. I shudder. There is also the fact that he has a girlfriend, and this makes me uncomfortable—even for a fake date. I don’t have many options.

  “What’s his name?” Carmen asks. “When do I get to meet him?”

  I mouth the words I’m sorry to Liam before responding. I hope he’s not too upset. Shutting my eyes tightly and making a face, I prepare to lie through my teeth. “His name is Dr. Liam Larson. He’ll be arriving with me later today.”

  Owen immediately begins laughing, but he clamps his hands over his mouth to muffle the sound.

  “Gosh, Helen! That’s so exciting. A doctor! Wow! I’m so happy for you.” Carmen lets out a feminine squeal. “So tell me, is he great in bed?”

  I start coughing violently. I press a hand over my face to hide my embarrassment. Owen makes a low whistle; he has partly climbed over the seats in order to press his face close to my phone and listen to everything that Carmen is saying.

  “Uh, yeah,” I say awkwardly into my cell. “He’s, uh, really great in bed. Like, the greatest.”

  “Oh, brother,” Liam mutters under his breath. “How do I get myself into these things?”

  “There’s a porno that starts just like this!” Owen whispers excitedly to his friend.

  Carmen sighs happily. “This is such good news, darling!” she says in a wavering voice. “I’m—I’m sorry to have called so late. I know I probably woke you up. I—I just wanted to hear your voice. I’m so glad you’re coming. I have been hoping and praying to see you again for the longest time.” She begins to cry again softly.

  “Carm?” I say in concern. “Are you sure everything’s good?”

  “Oh, yes. I’m just—just don’t mind me. You know weddings make me emotional. I’ll see you soon, Hellie? You and your dashing doctor?”

  “Yeah. See you soon.”

  She hangs up the phone, and I do too. I let my head fall into my hands for a moment, as I go over the entire conversation a few times in my mind. I am left with the urge to scream at the top of my lungs, and run out into the forest, never to see these doctors again. “This is so humiliating,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. Carmen just gets under my skin.”

  “Why didn’t you pick me?” Owen said in disappointment.

  “Liam’s more suitable,” I explain with a groan. “He’s read my books, so he knows a little about me. He can bullshit that we have some previous connection. And also, he’s less likely to talk about porn.”

  “Fair enough,” Owen said unhappily, “but I would have liked to be a wedding crasher.”

  “Is your sister okay?” Liam asks. “Does she usually call you at 5 AM?”

  “Whoa,” I say in surprise. “Is it 5 AM?” My first thought is that something must be terribly wrong. I consider this for a moment. “It’s probably just pre-wedding jitters,” I tell the guys, trying to brush it off.

  “So you really want me to come with you, as your date?” Liam asks me.

  “Yes,” I say quietly. ?
??I’m so sorry. What can I do for you in return?”

  “Well, since you offered,” Liam responds, “I would like some information.”

  “Information?” I ask with a frown.

  “Yes,” Liam says. “Remember all those deep, dark secrets I said I’d extract from you? Well, if you share them with us, then I’ll be your date for your sister’s wedding.”

  This is probably the worst thing he could have requested. My mouth feels suddenly very dry. “Um. Isn’t there anything else you might want? Maybe I could dedicate my next book to you?”

  He laughs lightly. “You’re going to do that anyway once I get your sight back.”

  I rack my brain, searching for something I could give him. “I’ll have my publisher put out a press release,” I offer, “or maybe schedule an event, like a book launch. We can publicly declare that you’re the hero who helped the semi-famous blind author Winter Rose to see. Even if it doesn’t work, and I can’t see, I’ll pretend like I can, and you’ll probably get tons of research grants and stuff.”

  “I’m pretty sure that you’re going to do that anyway,” Liam tells me, “because it’s a good story that will sell books.”

  “Okay,” I mumble, getting desperate. “How about I name a character after you?”

  “That would be nice,” Liam says. “I’ll take all of the above, but I’ll still need one additional thing to sweeten the pot. Information.”

  “Why?” I moan in protest.

  “Because I’m curious,” he answers in a good-natured way. “Come on. It can’t be that bad. Tell me your deepest, darkest secrets.”

  I sigh. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Really? Right here. Right now? In front of Owen?”

  “Yeah, why not?” Liam says cheerfully. “He’s been telling us way more than we need to know for a while.”

  “I want to hear, too,” Owen chimes in. “Entertain us, storyteller!”

  I spend a moment gathering my composure. I smooth my hands over my legs, and look around uneasily. Taking a deep breath, I try to mentally prepare myself for what I’m about to say to two complete strangers.

  “Well... three years ago, I was raped.”

  A hush falls over the car. I can feel the men looking at each other. They obviously don’t know how to respond, and the silence is growing tense.

  “I guess it’s not really a big deal,” I say lightly. “I know it happens to a lot of people. I probably shouldn’t have let it bother me as much as it did, but it was...” I pause in my narration, searching for the right words. “It was one of the first really awful things that had ever happened to me. I guess you could say I became disillusioned with life. A lot of really bad things happened three years ago.” I bite down on my lip nervously. I’m not used to talking about this, and it’s difficult to appear calm and emotionless. I just want this moment to be behind me forever. Maybe if I can reflect in an unaffected way, I can finally move forward with my life and be brave again. I look toward the window once more, and lift my hand to touch the cool glass.

  We remain sitting in silence for a little while, before someone finally speaks.

  “That sucks,” Owen says unhappily.

  “Yeah,” I agree with a small nod. “It did suck. I dropped out of school after that, because I couldn’t bring myself to go back. I’d had amazing grades, too. I didn’t tell my dad or my sister all the details, because they had enough to worry about. I just said I was mugged to explain the bruises and injuries. Actually, the only person I really confided in was Dr. Howard. I knew I could trust her with sensitive information...” I suddenly frown. It occurs to me that Leslie Howard might have sent Liam and Owen to find me out of pity for my situation. While this bothers me, even if it is true, it was still a thoughtful gesture. I try to cast this thought out of my mind. “So, that’s my story,” I tell the guys, trying to brush it off. “After that happened, I tried to act like things were normal, but I just couldn’t be around people anymore. So I moved out of the city and changed my name. And here we are!”

  “I’m sorry,” Liam says in a low voice. His breathing is ragged, as though his chest might be shaking with bottled rage. “I wish that hadn’t happened to you.”

  I am a little surprised by his tone. He sounds like he cares, and might actually be really upset on my behalf. “Maybe it was for the best,” I muse, to myself more than the men. “Maybe it ended up pushing my life in the right direction.”

  “What do you mean?” Liam asks sharply. “How could this be the right direction?”

  “Well,” I say gently. “I had been working on a manuscript in my free time, but I was so busy with school that I probably would have never finished it. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have had the time to look for a publisher. I probably would have kept pursuing my education until I was a doctor like you guys. But after that happened to me...” I laugh lightly at the situation. “There was nothing I could do except for writing! I couldn’t leave the house due to crippling social anxiety. I couldn’t even get out of bed for a while. Writing was the only job where I didn’t need enough energy to get dressed and face the world. I only had to face what was inside myself.” I hesitate. “This might sound silly, but it’s like the universe wanted me to write. So it stripped me of my ability to do anything else. I wish it could have been a little less harsh with its methods, but what can you expect? It’s the universe.”

  “That wasn’t the universe,” Liam says with a growl. “That was some fucking worthless jackass...”

  “Shut up,” Owen whispers to his friend angrily. “Stop talking about it, or you’ll make it worse!”

  “How can I make it worse?” Liam asks, also in a whisper. “It’s pretty damn bad already.”

  Owen makes a noise of frustration. “Dude, why’d you have to go and ask her about her secrets? Now you’ve made things all uncomfortable. We still have a few hours left of driving. Now I’m nervous and I don’t know what to say to lighten the mood. Why’d you have to be so inappropriate and personal?”

  “Me?” Liam whispers to his friend angrily. “You’re the one who talked about graphic porn for almost four hours. To a girl who’s been raped. Did you ever think that maybe the last thing she might want to hear about is kinky sex?”

  “You both fail at whispering,” I inform them. I hear them hanging their heads like sad puppies. “Guys, it’s cool,” I tell them, lifting my hands in a gesture meant to tell them to calm down. “I’m over it, really.”

  “You don’t seem to be over it,” Liam said skeptically. Something seemed to click in his brain as his voice changed. “Oh. That’s why you kept flinching and getting upset when I tried to guide you earlier...”

  “Yeah, so I have a few lingering issues,” I admit. “It’s not a big deal. I’ve mostly sorted it out.”

  “Mostly sorted it out?” Liam demands. “Mostly?”

  I send him a curt nod. “I’m here, aren’t I? I’m taking a chance and going on a road trip with two men I just met.”

  “But you need counseling,” Liam said with concern.

  “I gave myself counseling,” I explain. “You see, at first, I blamed my disability. I thought it was because I couldn’t see, that someone would take advantage of me like that. I thought that it was a weakness; a vulnerability. I thought I wasn’t fit enough for society. But I did some reading on the subject, and now I realize that... it happens to lots of people. It was just a random crime. Lots of people commit random crimes, and target people who are weaker than they are. Lots of people like to inflict harm on others, especially if the others seem like easy targets.” I give the men a sad little smile. “So, that’s why I generally try to avoid people. It’s safer.”

  “That’s really sad,” Owen says in a depressed tone.

  “I don’t mind being alone,” I tell him. “Writers need their solitude anyway. I think it suits me.”

  “Helen?” Liam asks softly. “Don’t let a few bad apples ruin all of humanity for you. Most of us a
re good. Most of us genuinely care for others, and don’t get pleasure out of hurting those who seem fragile and down on their luck. In fact—some of us thrive on healing others. Some of us will go out of our way to try to help someone we’ve never met. I hope you’ll see that soon. I hope you’ll see everything soon.”

  I send a smile in the direction of the doctor in the driver’s seat. He says such sweet things, and it’s starting to make me feel strangely buoyant. “Maybe I will,” I say in a flirtatious tone, “but for now, let’s focus on getting our story straight. I hope you own a tux. How long have we been dating, honey pants?”

  “Long enough for you to know that I don’t like being called ‘honey pants,’” Liam answers in dismay.

  “What do you prefer? Sweet cheeks? Stud muffin? Cuddly bear?” I ask teasingly. “Help me out, Owen. I can’t see what he looks like.”

  “Hmm,” Owen says thoughtfully. “How about ‘handsome tiger’?”

  “You think I look like a handsome tiger?” Liam asks his friend, and it’s obvious that he’s flattered.

  I burst out laughing. “I think you two have some deep, dark secrets you need to discuss. Now I know what we’re going to talk about for the rest of the drive. Owen, do you find Liam attractive?”

  “Well, he has these intense hazel eyes,” Owen explains, “and when he gets angry, he does sort of resemble a tiger about to pounce.”

  “Wow! That’s really nice of you to say, man,” Liam says. He puts the car in gear and begins to drive out of the rest stop. “I’m touched.”

  “This reminds me,” I tell the men, leaning forward, “of a gay erotica story I read once. It started exactly like this, with two close friends and colleagues exchanging a casual compliment that turned into more...”

  “I don’t want to hear that story,” Owen says sharply, cutting me off.

  “What?” I say, feigning hurt. “But you shared all your stories! That isn’t fair. Don’t you want to hear the tale of two athletes, training late one day at the gym? One of them catches sight of his buddy in the showers...”

  “Dammit,” Liam says. “This is going to be a long trip.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have been talking about porn so much,” Owen says, wincing.

  I smile and proceed to torture them with my words. If my words are the only power I have, I intend to use them well.

  Chapter Eight