180 Seconds

  “Just for that, you get a second glass of champagne.”

  We clink glasses, and the bubbles fizz loudly.

  That night, when Simon has gone to bed and the house is quiet, Esben and I are on the sofa, looking out the window at the heavy flakes swirling as if we’re in a snow globe.

  “I got you something,” I tell him hesitantly. My hand shakes a little when I reach behind me and take hold of the bag.

  He smiles and puts the bag between us. “Why do you look so scared?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. Just open it, and end my torture.”

  Esben laughs and digs into the tissue paper. “Oh, Allison . . .” His voice softens when he holds up the silver sand timer. Engraved on the top are the words It only takes 180 seconds. He flips it upside down, and we watch the sand pour from one side of the glass to the other. “This is so perfect.” He kisses me until the sand has finished pouring out.

  Then he winks, flips it again, and keeps kissing me.

  After a few more flips of the timer, he sits against the back cushion, and I lie with my head in his lap as he strokes my hair while I watch the winter sky. The wind howls, then calms, intermittently.

  Esben puts a small box in my hand. “This is for you.”

  “But you already gave me—”

  “Shhhh. Just open it.”

  Inside is a wide silver bracelet with brilliant stones, and Esben clasps it on me. It takes me a minute to understand what I’m looking at—what the orange, turquoise, citron, red, pink, and deep-blue stones pattern into—but then I see the shape that wraps around my wrist. And I know why he’s given this to me.

  “It’s a phoenix,” I say breathlessly.

  “Yes,” he says. “Because, just as the story goes, you have risen from the ashes.”

  I sit so that I can gaze into his eyes. “You helped me do that. Esben, you helped me so much.” Looking at this gift that has so much heart and meaning, I am at a loss. “This is beautiful. Esben . . . I don’t know what to say.”

  He looks at me for a long time, and there is a new level of emotion and intensity that emanates from him. “Just say that you love me. Please. Because I am so goddamn in love with you that I can hardly breathe when we’re apart. I know I said it when I was drunk, and I shouldn’t have, even though I meant it. But I’m telling you now that I love you.”

  There’s no need for me to think over how to respond. “I do love you. I don’t remember what not being in love with you feels like.”

  “Good. Because you don’t have to.”

  Six days later, we ring in the New Year in downtown Boston. Amid horns and cheering and bitter temperatures, Esben tells me he loves me over and over again. Even in all the chaos of the celebration, I hear him as clearly as if we were the only two people there. And I tell him the same thing.

  CHAPTER 23

  YOU HAVE MY HEART

  We might as well be in Alaska, given how cold January on campus is. We’re on day two of a heavy ice and snow storm, and they’re predicting that classes will be canceled tomorrow, something almost unheard of. Carmen and I decide that we are tough enough to brave the weather this afternoon, and we head to the union for hot chocolate, though, after, as I’m bundling up again to go back to the dorm, I look at her. “I really don’t want to go back out there. Maybe we can just sleep here?”

  She yanks a thick hat down to just above her eyes. The giant pom-pom sticking off the top somehow suits her to a tee. “No way. Esben’s friend, that hottie Danny that you set me up with, is coming over in half an hour, and I need to be defrosted by then.”

  “Fair enough.” My parka feels a million inches thick, and my gloves make my hands look like a giant’s, but I still froze on the way here. “Things are going well with Danny?”

  I’m not sure what propelled me to set up Carmen and Danny, but they’ve both got their quirks, which I thought might match up well. Danny with his harmonica, Carmen with her ever-changing hair . . . and it’s only been a few weeks, but, apparently, I was right. There’s something about connecting these two that makes me crazy happy.

  “Things are going so well that I shaved my legs today.” She tosses her giant fuzzy hood over her hat and grins.

  I cover my face with my scarf and brace myself. “Let’s do this!” My voice is muffled in a Darth Vader sound that makes us both giggle. “Esben is still in my room, because he hasn’t wanted to go outside. You and I are the tough ones.”

  She nods. “You know it!”

  We barrel through the icy mix that pelts us relentlessly across campus, and we crash into the warmth of the dorm entryway. Both of us start laughing, somehow invigorated from the rush of braving the weather, and I shake out my coat and scarf and stomp my feet before making my way down the hall. Esben is in my room, typing on the computer, but he tilts his head my way as soon as I walk in.

  “Hey, Popsicle,” he says before kissing me.

  “What’re you doing?” I hang up my coat and sit on the bed. It’s starting to get dark, and the screen is casting a glow on his face in a way I find endearing, so I don’t bother to turn on other lights.

  “Just going through comments and clearing out a few jerks. Kerry does most of this for me, but she’s been busy, so I’m trying to catch up.”

  “Got it.”

  I lie back and call Steffi, but it goes to voice mail. I’ve barely spoken to her in weeks, because she didn’t have cell reception on the cruise. Now, she’s having to move to a new apartment, because the building’s owner is selling it and kicking everyone out. My phone dings, and I have a text from her.

  Sorry, can’t talk. At the salon, getting my hair colored. You around tomorrow? she writes.

  Yes. Any luck on a new apartment? Want help moving?

  All good. Just annoying, but I’ve got it. Talk to you soon.

  Suddenly, Esben makes a disgusted sound.

  “Is something wrong?” I ask.

  “With Kerry so taken up in her love life, I’m really seeing how many idiots there are out there. It’s starting to really piss me off. I just spent two hours cleaning out garbage.” He scowls. “And have you seen the pictures Kerry has been posting?”

  “Oh. Those. Well, yes . . .”

  Kerry’s social-media feeds have recently been cluttered with pictures of her and Jason.

  “It’s creepy,” he complains. “My sister and my best friend! It’s gross.”

  I laugh. “It’s not gross. They’re very sweet together.”

  “Ew! Look at this one! They’re kissing!” Esben enlarges an image and then claps his hands over his face. “My eyes! My eyes!”

  I scoot over and swivel the chair so that he’s facing me. “Then don’t look at them.”

  He rests his elbows on his knees and smiles flirtatiously. “Can I just sit here and look at you, then?”

  “If it will distract you, then yes.”

  I move in a little more, and he puts a hand on the side of my face. “Still a little cold, huh?”

  “A little.” But the touch of his palm makes me anything but cold.

  I inch in closer and touch my lips to his. I intended nothing more than a simple kiss, but once I slip my tongue into his mouth, I know my intention means nothing. Within seconds, I am kissing him with a new level of passion and need, and Esben is responding smoothly, matching my pace.

  But then he slows us down, kisses me on the cheek, and sits up. “There’s, uh, a party on the third floor tonight, if you want to go.” Esben is flushed and trying to control his breathing. “An ice-storm party, they’re calling it. Apparently, there’ll be a lot of slushy drinks. We could go get tipsy on weird blue cocktails and stuff.”

  While we have been hitting parties together, and I’ve been having fun meeting more people and spending time with his friends and my new ones, I do not want to leave this room tonight. And, based on the way Esben is running his eyes over me, I don’t think he particularly wants to leave either.

  “I don’t like slushy drinks. I d
o, however, like other things,” I inform him mischievously.

  I grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him from the chair, bringing both of us down against the bed. He starts to roll to lie next to me while we kiss, but I push hard to keep him on top of me, parting my legs so that his fall between them and getting his body tight against mine. Our kissing intensifies, and my hands travel over his arms, then to the bottom of his shirt, then to his lower back. I press my hands into his skin and bring his waist against mine. Esben makes a sound and moves his mouth to my neck, his breathing quickening as his lips move more roughly against me. He only takes his mouth away when I loop a leg over his and then peel his shirt up over his head. I get my own shirt off and yank him back down. My desire and ache for him are nearly too much, and when his tongue strokes over my stomach, it’s my turn to make a sound. We’ve been very heated before, but not quite like this.

  After he’s worked his way up to my neck again, I set my hands over the front of his pants and undo the top button of his jeans.

  Esben stops and lifts himself up more to look at me. “Allison?”

  I smile. “Esben?”

  “Whatcha doing there?”

  I don’t say anything when I unzip his pants.

  He closes his eyes for a second before speaking again. “Allison?”

  My hands round to his back and tuck under the top of his jeans. “Yes, Esben?”

  “Whatcha doing there?” he asks again with a smile.

  “I’m done moving through the spectrum. I’m ready.”

  He searches my face. “You’re ready?”

  “I am. I want to be with you.”

  “There’s still other stuff we can do. I want you to be sure—”

  “I am totally sure.” I kiss him softly. “I love you, and I trust you. And I trust us. Do you have any idea what it means to me to be able to say that? And feel that? God, I am so happy, Esben. I never thought I could be this happy. I am so ready.” I kiss him again and tease my fingers over his skin more. “Are you ready?”

  “I was ready about two seconds after I met you.”

  My hand slips lower over the front of his pants. I smile at him. “Allowed?”

  He smiles back. “More than allowed. Wanted.”

  “So, make love to me.”

  I’m pretty sure he stops breathing for a second.

  “And let me make love to you,” I continue. “I want to show you how much I love you. I need that,” I tell him.

  Esben smiles softly and nods. “I need that, too.”

  I lift my hips and push into him. “Good.”

  We start back at the beginning of our spectrum and work our way through, slowly, lovingly, sometimes nervously, but with every stage, I am secure in his love, his touch, in the care he takes with me. Even when I’m not sure about what I’m doing, he makes it okay. My hands go where they haven’t before, I want things I haven’t before, and I experience things I haven’t before. We figure each other out together; we learn together.

  Later, when we are as close as we can be, and he’s moving very gently against me, he looks into my eyes. He tells me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how his world is complete because of me. “You have my heart, Allison.” His voice trembles. “You have my heart.”

  “And you have mine,” I whisper back.

  We kiss, and I wrap my arms around him, raising my hips more assertively to meet his and then digging my nails into his skin.

  He lifts his chest a bit and stops moving, his breathing ragged and hot. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. I’m so okay,” I manage to say. “Please don’t stop.”

  He doesn’t.

  After, when I am curled into him and his arm has fallen over me, I am overcome with how peaceful and complete I feel. It’s true that in my head I am also jumping around, screaming about how I just lost my virginity, and I’m sort of desperate to tell Steff, but mostly I feel as though moving my naked body from his would be devastating.

  “So.” Esben all but clears his throat. “How was . . . or, was that . . .”

  I start smiling, listening to him figure out how to ask this. Esben is the least insecure person I’ve ever known, and there’s something rather cute about how nervous he sounds right now. “Yeah?”

  “I’m just trying to figure out or, you know, make sure that you’re good with this. And that it was good. Or at least not awful or anything.” I can feel him tense. “Oh God, it wasn’t awful, was it?”

  I turn and face him. “Are you out of your mind?”

  “Truthfully, right now, a little, yes.”

  “If it was awful, why do I want to do it again already?”

  He laughs softly. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Give me a few minutes, and you have yourself a deal.” He props himself up on his elbow and lowers the sheet, running his hand across my stomach and letting his eyes travel over my body in the hint of light we have. “God, you are stunning.” He lowers the sheet even more.

  I don’t worry that my breasts are too small or that I don’t work out as much as I should. I don’t worry about anything, because as much as what we’ve done tonight is about the physical, it’s also about so much more.

  “You feel all right?” he asks me.

  “I feel wonderful,” I tell him truthfully. “And you? Was it . . .” Now it’s my turn to feel slightly nervous. “Was I . . . I mean, obviously I haven’t done this before, so . . . how was it . . . for you?”

  Esben’s kiss could be enough of an answer, but when he finally stops, I see how his eyes twinkle. “Don’t forget that I hadn’t done this before either, but I have to say that I think we did pretty damn well.”

  “Okay,” I reply with less conviction than I’d like. Now that it’s all said and done, I’m starting to second-guess myself.

  “Allison? Listen to me,” he says. “That was beautiful. No one could ask for a better first time.” His fingertips start to glide up and down my inner thigh, and my body slowly ignites again. Then he settles his hand between my legs. “And I already know that no one could ask for a better second time.”

  I don’t argue with him. I can’t.

  At midnight, we microwave soup and eat the last of the Parmesan crackers from Simon. In the hopes there is more food in the care package that arrived today, I tear it open. God bless Simon. There are still-fresh fudgy brownies with cream-cheese frosting, some kind of upscale microwaveable cheese risotto thing that tastes like heaven, high-end bottled water, Advil, individual brown-sugar oatmeal containers, and my favorite junk food ever, stove-top Alfredo noodles. “Jackpot!” I call out.

  I remember that another box arrived today, and I haven’t looked at the return address until now. I grin, because while it’s addressed to me, I know that it’s from Simon for Esben. “You have a package here,” I inform him with a big smile.

  “I do?”

  I bring the box into the living area and hand it to him.

  His look of delight warms my heart for so many reasons. “Simon sent me cannoli from Mike’s!” he exclaims as he reads the printed note. “Dude, that Simon is so cool.”

  Esben, as I expect, takes a hundred pictures and immediately posts them, tagging Simon and noting that this fabulous cannoli giver is my father. He also posts a picture from our night at Mike’s, and it’s one in which Simon looks particularly handsome. We go to the small kitchen in the dorm and eat the risotto and hydrate while the Alfredo bubbles in a beat-up pot. I didn’t know that sex could make me so ravenous for food, and I couldn’t be more grateful for all of this. I need to figure out how to thank Simon properly.

  When we are totally full and cannot stay awake any longer, Esben and I curl up back in bed. I am exhausted and nearly unable to think because I am so flooded with euphoria.

  Yet, just as I start to drift off, there’s a slight sense of heightened awareness that something is off. Not with me, not with Esben. I’m missing something. A moment of discomfort tries to work its way in, as thoug
h the ice storm may not be the only thing crashing down on me. I shake it off. Tonight is not for falling into my old patterns of worry and negativity. I’m still learning to accept the good, so I stop myself and refocus on tonight.

  Because tonight has been everything I have never dreamed of.

  CHAPTER 24

  LOSING AIR

  When I wake the next morning, it takes me a while to understand that I am not dreaming. That this is actually my life. It’s astonishing and wonderful. And when Esben wakes, my life only improves when we make love again. My entire body may be sore in some ways, but I also feel better than I knew possible.

  As expected, classes are canceled today, and I couldn’t wish for a better day to stay locked in my room.

  I text Steffi, begging her to call me when she wakes up. Clearly, I have got to tell her all the details of the past day, but this has to be done over the phone and not text. I know that she’s been an advocate for my happiness more than I have for years, and it would mean the world for me to show her how far I’ve come. To share the proof that I am taking charge of my life.

  Late afternoon arrives, and I’m still unshowered and in my robe. The feel and smell and taste of Esben are all over me, and I love it. Esben is currently reading a book on his phone while languishing in bed half-dressed, and I’m flitting around the suite, tidying up and grinning stupidly while I do various unnecessary cleaning projects. I’m just so goddamn happy that I don’t know what to do with myself.

  My phone finally rings, and I practically fling myself across the bedroom to reach it.

  “Steff!”

  “Hey, honey.”

  “Oh my God, I’ve missed you so much! What is up with your phone situation? Why haven’t you hooked up the new one from Simon? I want to see your sweet face!” I gush. “I have news. I’m so glad you called.” I move into the second bedroom and half shut the door. “How have your crazy trips been? I want to know everything!”

  “Allison, I need to talk to you.” She sounds strange, but I can’t tell how exactly.

  “Okay. Yeah, of course. Anything. What’s going on?”