Time - Ministry of Excuses
test out the theory, if I threw it away, would it really become useful? Going over to the cassette player, I pressed the eject button, removed the tape and placed it at the bottom of the empty waste paper basket.
The phone rang, I half expected it to be someone asking for a damaged copy of a Queen album, but it was Alan Green M.P.
I put on a high pitched voice, which was not as difficult as it had been for the Professor, and said, “This is the Professor’s Secretary, how may I help you?”
“Alan Green here, I need some urgent advice,” the M.P. said hurriedly.
“Let me transfer you to the Professor's assistant,” I squeaked. Putting on a posh voice I said, “Jack speaking, how can I help?”
The M.P. gasped with relief, “the reporters from the Daily Herald newspaper are on my doorstep. That infuriating Caroline Wells is amongst them, the political news columnist who is always on my back. She won't go until I give a statement. What shall I say?”
“Tell them that you did it for the Good of the Nation!” I advised not really knowing where I plucked that from.
“Great idea, you're the expert so I'll say whatever you tell me. I think I can see where you are going with this,” said Mr Green.
“You do?” I said hopefully, then regained composure and agreed with an emphatic “Exactly.”
On the spur of the moment I formulated a plan of action and said, “After you have made your statement to the press, I want you to leave your house immediately and take your family on a mountain climbing holiday in ... er ... Snowdonia!”. Although these thoughts were off the top of my head, I reckoned that at least if he was out of the way it would stall for time.
“O.K. Good thinking, I guess the press won't follow me up a mountain,” said Mr Green with the assured confidence that he was now out of trouble.
“Just stay there for a week, leave things to me, and when you return you will be a national hero.” I bragged, sounding more like the delusional Professor every second.
Mr Green was delighted, he had only wanted to get out of the deep predicament he was in, but becoming a national hero would be a real bonus!
Later on that evening the late editions of the London Paper ran with the headline – ‘M.P. in Welsh Mystery!'
Mr Green had followed my advice and told the press reporters that although his recent actions may have seemed unusual, everything he had done was ultimately for the benefit of the Country, and he was retreating to Wales until this had been recognised! The Press commentators wrote that they were completely confused, but the M.P. had said everything would be explained when he returned from the Welsh Mountains the following week.
When he had driven off with his family in their four wheel drive Jeep, they were initially pursued by photographers on motorbikes, but these had tailed off eventually.
By that evening the Green family was in a remote bed and breakfast hotel, miles from anywhere in the heart of Wales – grateful for their break from the limelight.
The phone rang for the second time that day. It was someone very important, a Doctor Adams from Cambridge University. I had never spoken to a real academic before and was apprehensive as I fielded this call.
“Ah you must be one of the brilliant research graduates that the Professor has told me about?” said Dr Adams.
“Yes, that's right, the Professor has told me all about you,” I lied.
“The Professor really is my last hope. Here at the University I have squandered a 10 million pound research grant on investigating how to warp time. I had published a preliminary report that we had discovered some principles to allow us to design a device similar to a time-machine. Sadly the truth is that we have absolutely no results from any experiments. I am in deep trouble, the University would be furious if they knew I had wasted all this money with nothing to show for it. My career was on the line until the Professor said that your team had actually built a machine that could warp time. Thankfully he said he would sell the invention to me for just one million pounds!”
I could not believe my ears, and shuddered to think what lies the Prof had been spinning.
Dr Adams continued, “I am amazed at all the football predictions that your machine can make, this morning I received the betting slip from the Manchester United match, and I checked with the bookmakers who confirmed that bet was placed before the game.”
I suddenly realised why the Professor had been putting multiple bets on different outcomes for that match. Again he had covered all the most likely results so he could produce a winning slip!
“Yes, it is an incredible invention!” I said enthusiastically. “We have now produced a bigger machine that can time-warp objects larger than just slips of paper. It is about the size of a microwave oven so I could even put this phone in the time shifting device now if you would like to hear the results?”
“Yes please, a demonstration would be fantastic.”
“If I warp this telephone receiver, by setting the rate at which time passes within the machine at say double our earth rate, then all the noises coming from outside the machine will sound as if they are going at the wrong speed. I will turn the radio on to create some background noise.”
I switched the Sony machine on to the radio setting and turned it on to full volume.
“Can you hear the radio? I am just about to place the telephone receiver inside our new machine,” I shouted.
“Yes, I'm ready,” said Dr Adams, who could hear the radio broadcaster finish reading the 12 o'clock news.
I looked down to the waste paper basket to retrieve the Queen's Greatest Hits cassette. Just as the Radio presenter was about to play a song, I jammed in the cassette and pressed play. Seamlessly the news ended and the bars of the musical introduction to We are the Champions, boomed through the speakers as the tape started turning.
“Powering up the electro-magnetic field,” I cried.
Just as the cassette player reached the damaged piece of tape I shouted, “Warping nowwwww.”
‘We are the champiiooonnnsss,' ground deeply out of the machine at half speed, before it sped up again to sing out, ‘of the world!'
I turned the player off and pretended to lift the receiver out of an imaginary box and said, “We can only warp time for a second or so, as it requires a huge electro-magnetic field, but it's a start.”
“It’s Amazing! Fantastic! Unbelievable! A Miracle!” Dr Adams cried hysterically. “This is the biggest discovery ever known to mankind. Please bring that machine to show me straight away. I will call a press conference to announce this scientific breakthrough, and my job will be saved. I may even be awarded the Professorship I have always dreamed of!”
“Fine. I will bring it on Friday but I must ask you to do something?”
“Anything,” replied Dr Adams, “Anything to see that fabulous machine.”
“Make as many inquiries as you can into buying land in Wales. You don't need to actually purchase any land, just act as if want to buy as many square miles of Welsh countryside as possible, preferably near some mountains,” I said as an idea came into my head.
Dr Adams thought this was an extremely puzzling request, but was prepared to go along with anything to see this brilliant machine, and save his career.
Alan Green was not the kind of person who could stay out of trouble for very long. He had been walking on the beautiful lower slopes of Snowdonia and enjoying the company of his family for just one day. They had walked in the sunshine, stopping off for refreshments in the small village cafe and taking photographs of breath taking views. For most people this would be an idyllic holiday, but Mr Green already had his mind on other things, in particular how he was going to pay off some of his most recent gambling debts.
Mr Green had been approached earlier that week by a rogue group planning a raid on an underground bank vault which was housing one of the World’s largest and most valuable collections of cut diamonds. The criminals had asked the M.P. to supply them with enough explosives to completely destroy the outer bank walls,
and the locks on the vault doors, so that they could steal the precious contents. He had initially said No, but they had offered him a very tempting share of the takings, and he was beginning to succumb to his inner greed.
‘Just one more illegal arms deal will be fine,' Alan thought to himself. 'I will just sell a few crates of hand grenades to the diamond thieves, or should I say diamond wealth re-distributors! Then I will finally be able sort out my finances.’
Later that evening, as his family was finishing their dinner, he explained that he had to go away on urgent government business. He set off in his jeep to liaise with his crooked army contact, who was able to supply misappropriated military ammunition for the deal.
Meanwhile the Professor was back from his trip and we had formulated our plan. He spoke to Dr Adams and told him to insist that press conference be held outdoors, in a large remote area away from any public buildings. He explained that this was a necessary safety precaution as the time-machine had not been tested outside of their laboratory before.
Dr Adams was so grateful and remarked, “It is so reassuring that you think of all these things. It is a nice change to work with real professional physicists!”
We went to hire a large white Transit van to transport our fictitious time-bending machine to the press-conference. The van would look suspicious if empty, so the Professor filled it with any rubbish electrical junk he could find. An old microwave,