Shambles

  *

  For the Young and Young at Heart

  3. Half a Monster Tale.

  On a warm, sunny afternoon Stephanie was lying on her stomach in the garden, one hand trailing idly in the fish pond water. Her other hand was busy worrying a loose tooth. Beside her Panda-ted was happy for he was sitting right in the middle of the mud pies Steph had made for him.

  “Teatime,” Mum called from the kitchen, as Dad arrived home in a mood. “Come in and wash.”

  Stephanie heard Dad say. “I’m not dirty!” A big sigh followed. “The busiest time of the year and what do the council do? Dig up the roads. I’ve been stuck in a monstrous jam. I’m so cross I nearly hit a lamp post. But I didn’t. It’s Steph’s friend, so I just brushed it down.”

  Mother said, “Wash your hands and we’ll have tea.”

  By the pond Stephanie said, “You know, Panda-ted, there’s too much soap in my life.”

  “Soap pig is fun,” Panda-ted replied, staring at the pond.

  Stephanie removed her hand from the water and looked at it. “See? Clean. But I bet they make me wash it again. Actually, there’s quite a lot of me that isn’t muddy.” She’d forgotten the other hand, worrying her tooth. It was also good at stirring mud pies.

  “You are cleaner than me,” Panda-ted agreed, staring even harder at the pond water.

  “No I’m not,” Steph said, shaking her head. “You’re black. Anyway, it doesn’t count. That’s how you were made.”

  “All I wanted was a quiet sit in the evening sunshine,” they heard Dad complain. “So, of course, it’s cloudy now.”

  “The water must be very deep,” Panda-ted said, seriously. “I can’t see the bottom.”

  “That’s like Loch Ness,” Stephanie replied, yawning. “Dad says Loch Ness is so deep the bottom goes all the way to Australia.”

  “Plenty of room for the monster,” Panda-ted told her, gloomily.

  “And me,” Steph cried, plunging both arms in deep.

  Panda-ted said, “I can smell seaweed.”

  “The sea is miles away,” Steph retorted. She lay back and held up her arms so she could watch the dribbles of water run down from her hands and draw clean lines on her arms. She looked next at the pond. It did seem to have got bigger, so big, in fact that they could no longer see the house on the other side. What they could see was high hills and lots and lots of gloomy dark water.

  “What’s that?” cried Panda-ted. “It looks like a leaf.”

  “It smells, so you’re wrong,” Steph shouted back. “Can’t you see? It’s a gi-normous fish scale! And look who is on it. Soap pig!”

  Seeing them, Soap pig yelled, “Help, Stephanie. Help!”

  “What are you doing there?” Stephanie demanded as Soap pig drifted by.

  “I’m trying to wash the fishy smell away,” Soap pig replied, busily doing so. But as you and I and Stephanie know, when Soap pig gets wet he gets bigger. So the smell gets bigger, too.

  “Silly pig,” Stephanie muttered.

  “He needs rescuing,” Panda-ted told her. “We’ve got to help.”

  Steph sat up. “I can’t reach him. We need a rope.” She waved and called to Soap pig as he went further away. “Have you got a rope?”

  “No,” Soap pig called back. “But there are road works just round the corner. Try there. And hurry, because of the fishy smell I’m being chased by­—”

  But Stephanie and Panda-ted didn’t hear the rest. They were running down the road.

  A traffic light glared redly at them. “Don’t come near me,” it snapped. “This road is closed. The Council is digging it up. So,” it sneered, “My job is not to let anyone go past.”

  Sure enough there were hundreds and hundreds of cars, with hundreds and hundreds of furious drivers banging their steering wheels and hooting their horns. It was quite noisy.

  “I’ve got a red light on both sides of me,” the traffic light said, gleefully. “No one can go anywhere.”

  Stephanie put her nose in the air. “Who wants to go past you?” she shouted. She had to shout for it was still very noisy. But she did want to go past because she could see rope, and cement mixers, a gas lorry and lots and lots of tools, just lying around and all tired out because the workmen had been so busy.

  “You will want to go past,” Traffic light said, evilly. It flashed red, yellow and green all at once then quickly went to red again so no one could move. “You will. Any minute now. Soap pig won’t get away, and nor will you!”

  One or two cars bumped into each other and so did one or two drivers. That made a bit more noise. But there was an even bigger noise behind them. It was a tremendous swishing, a crack like thunder and then a huge splash.

  Panda-ted jumped in alarm. “Look,” he shrieked. “It’s gigantic.”

  “What is,” Stephanie asked

  “Here it goes again,” Panda cried, and ran round Stephanie, to hide.

  Swisssshhhh. Crrraaccckkk! Ssspppllaaasshhh! It could have been a mountain, but it was bigger than all the mountains for it hid them completely. It could have been a rocket plane whizzing by. That was the Swisssshhhh. It could have been the world’s biggest firework going off. That was the Crrraacckkk! It could have been the moon crashing in the water of the loch. That was the Ssspppllaaasshhh!

  Stephanie was awed. “Flippin’ Henry,” she breathed, clutching Panda-ted tight. “It must be the biggest monstrous thing in the Universe.”

  “Let’s go home,” Panda-ted wailed.

  “I’ll get you if you do,” Traffic light cackled, evilly. “And if I don’t, it will.”

  Suddenly there were monstrous waves on the loch. A moment later and what came out of the water was more than a monstrous plane, more than a monstrous mountain, more even than a monstrous moon. It was the monster itself!

  Swisssshhhh! Crrraacckkk! Ssspppllaaasshhh! That was its tail wagging. A roar that sounded like “Grrrooaaarrhhh!” came from its mouth. It had so many teeth crammed in there Steph was surprised the sound could get out. It would have to open very wide and that was what it was doing.

  “Good grief!” exclaimed Panda-ted, fearfully.

  “I know,” Steph agreed. “I thought it was all tail. This end is all mouth!”

  “Run for it,” Panda-ted cried, having already started.

  “Good idea,” Steph agreed and went into top speed.

  “Oh no you don’t,” the Monster roared. “I’m starving and you two look like the start of dinner to me. So, if you don’t mind,” it added, suddenly polite, “I’ll just gobble you up.”

  “They are a bit dirty, don’t you think?” Traffic light observed, wrinkling its nose, yellowly.

  “Nothing a quick dip in the loch won’t cure,” the monster replied. “I think they look quite tasty as they are.”

  “Well, thank you,” said Panda-ted.

  “Not at all,” replied the monster. “Excuse me,” and it stuck out its tongue. Like the rest of it the monster’s tongue was monstrously long and monstrously curly and monstrously quick. In no time at all it had licked up Steph and Panda-ted and put them in its mouth.

  It was dark inside the monster’s mouth and getting darker as it closed its jaws. “We’re being eaten alive.” Panda-ted shrieked.

  Stephanie was clinging to a broken tooth. She saw it had a big cave in it. “Climb in here with me,” she shouted. “It can’t chew us when we’re in the cave, or swallow us up.”

  The monsters jaws came together and started chewing. As Steph said, it couldn’t reach them and for the moment they were safe. But it was even noisier than outside. Crash, crunch, bash, grind, wobble, crash, crunch, bash, grind. Stephanie clasped her hands on her ears and then suddenly she thought of something. She looked round their cave. “If I had a cavity as big as this in my tooth,” she bellowed in her loudest voice to Panda-ted, “I’d have the world’s biggest toothache.”

  “Of course. He roars so much because he monstrously hurts,” Panda-ted shouted back.

  The cr
unching suddenly stopped. “Look out,” Steph cried. “Here comes his tongue.”

  The tongue was probing each tooth in turn. Ducking deep in the cave Steph and Panda-ted kept out of the way until it had gone past. “Phew. That was close.”

  “We’ve got to get out of here,” Panda said, “And upwards, not downwards.”

  “That makes two reasons,” Stephanie agreed. She was looking carefully at the cave walls and cave floor. Then she looked at her shoes.

  “Two?”

  “Have you forgotten poor old Soap pig? My three month shoes haven’t!”

  You see, the shop assistant had told Stephanie’s mum they would never wear out. Steel capped they were. “Good,” Mum had replied. “That means they’ll last three months. With luck.” Since that was only four weeks ago there was still a bit of metal left.

  “What can we do?” wailed Panda-ted.

  Steph looked about to make sure the monster’s tongue was lying down quietly. Then she stood up. “Watch,” she said. She drew her steel-capped foot right back then gave the wall of the cave her hardest kick.

  “Aaaaaggghhhh! And AAAAggggHHHH again,” roared the monster. Hot fishy breath rushed past them but he kept his mouth shut.

  “This monster’s too polite for his own good,” Stephanie told Panda-ted. She gave the cave another huge kick and then jumped up and down, digging her heels into the soft floor of the cave and shuffling them hard. “It screams and eats with its mouth shut.”

  “AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!” the monster was in agony. Like a gale more fishy breath rushed past so hard that Steph and Panda-ted had to hold on tight to avoid being blown away.

  “Do you give in?” Steph demanded, shouting down the monster’s throat.

  “No, I don’t,” the monster thundered. “I’ll get you. I’ll chew you up and then, ooohhh, AAAGGGHHHHH,” for Steph kicked his bad tooth again. “Oh, don’t. Please don’t do that.”

  “Give in, then,” Steph told it firmly. She raised her foot to give another kick. The monster couldn’t see this but it must have guessed. “No,” it said, bravely, but not so loud now. “I won’t give in.”

  Steph knew she was winning so she only tapped her foot gently against the tooth.

  “Yeeeaaggghhhhh!” wailed the monster. “Oh stop. Please, please stop.”

  “Only if you promise not to eat us,” Steph said, sternly.

  “Oh, yes. I promise. Anything. I couldn’t stomach you now, anyway!”

  “Good,” Stephanie said. “First you must open your mouth and let us out. And, if you rescue Soap pig, we’ll,” What could she do? She put on her hardest thinking expression, like Dad did when he was doing the lottery, “We’ll cure your toothache.”

  Panda-ted was cross. “You mustn’t say what you can’t do. That’s lying.”

  “Shut up,” hissed Steph. “He doesn’t know that.”

  “You mustn’t tell untruthful things.”

  “I’m not. I have a plan.”

  The monster also had Dad’s concentration look on its face, though of course Steph couldn’t see it. It didn’t really believe Steph, but anything was worth trying to get rid of the pain. Besides, it could always eat them later.

  Stephanie gave her orders. “You must put me and Panda-ted on the shore and then save Soap pig. I need him.”

  “If you trick him he’ll be monstrously cross,” Panda-ted whispered.

  “Hold tight,” the monster said, beginning to swim towards the beach. It opened its mouth just a little, to let daylight in. “You’ll have to climb on to my tongue, but please wipe your feet first.”

  “Mind you don’t swallow,” Steph warned. “If you do I won’t be able to fix that tooth.”

  “I’ve promised,” the monster said in a slightly aggrieved tone. “Not all monsters keep promises, and they are really bad. But, you see, I’m not really monstrous. I’m just big. You can trust me.” And to prove it he swam very carefully to the shore and gently set Stephanie and Panda-ted down on the sand. Then with a determined look in his eyes he swam off down the loch to find and save Soap pig.

  Nearby Lamppost was feeling very sorry for herself. “No-one loves me,” she complained. No one wants me. All they do is bash me with their cars.”

  “My Dad doesn’t,” Steph said.

  “No, he was the only one to brush me down.”

  “What are you doing shining by a loch? You should be outside my house.”

  “Well, I was but with all this digging and cars I thought it better to follow you and go on holiday. Instead I find all this bossy traffic light.” Lamppost sighed. “It is not my day. I’m just in the way. No one needs me.”

  “I need you,” Steph told lamppost, kindly.

  Lamppost brightened for a moment. “Thank you, dear girl.” Then it dimmed its light again. “You don’t have to pretend.”

  “I’m not,” Steph told it.

  “Oh, my goodness me,” Lamppost exclaimed suddenly, it’s light becoming much, much bigger, like wide staring eyes. “Oh, my life. What a monstrous thing!”

  The monster had returned. “Actually, I’m AquaBigsaurus,” the monster said. He had Soap pig with him and set him down beside Stephanie. “Now I’ve rescued your friend you must keep your promise,” he told Stephanie. He tried to look stern. “Otherwise, I might, well, you see, I should, if you don’t mind too much, well, I should eat all of you!”

  Soap pig straightened his jacket. “I’m in charge here,” he said. “All of you do as I say.”

  “Why?” demanded Stephanie. “I’ve got a plan.”

  “I know you have but I am the best organiser.” Soap pig told Stephanie. Then he faced the monster. “Does saurus mean strong, or just big?”

  “Actually,” the monster said, blushing red to the tip of his nose. “Well, actually, it means both. I’m very big and very, very strong.”

  Soap pig stroked his chin. “But not strong enough to crunch up cars. And certainly not that old Gas-tanker Lorry.”

  “Oh yes I am,” Aquabigsaurus said. “No trouble at all.” And with one big bite he crunched the tanker lorry in half.

  “Breathe in!” Soap pig ordered. “Breathe in your hardest.” The monster did. A very stupid grin crept over his face as he breathed in all the gas. His eyelids drooped.

  “Quick,” Stephanie shouted. “We must prop open his mouth. He’s so polite he’s bound to sleep with it shut.” And, indeed, Aquabigsaurus was beginning to close his jaws.

  Panda-ted, Soap pig and Lamppost exchanged looks. They nodded to each other and then suddenly leapt on Traffic light, picked him up and jammed him in the monster’s mouth. The jaws were kept half open and Traffic light was well and truly fixed in place.

  “Put me down,” cried Traffic light, flashing all its colours on and off. “Put me down. I’m not a monster toothpick. I’m a real live monster traffic jam maker.”

  “You can help us better like this,” Steph said. There is no pleasing some people and Traffic light must be one of them for it was cross. “All my cars are getting away,” it wailed. And they were.

  “Now for the noisy bit,” Soap pig told them all. He pointed to the road drill. “Steph, you must dig out the bad part of the tooth. You’ll need some light.”

  Lamppost said, eagerly, “Tell me where to shine and I will. My brightest.”

  So Panda-ted Stephanie and Lamppost climbed inside AquaBigsaurus’s mouth and began to work. “It’s a bit like a disco in here,” Panda-ted said happily, sweeping up the old and broken bits of tooth that Steph was chiselling out., and dancing while he did it. “Thanks, Traffic light.”

  “Don’t thank me,” Traffic light snarled. “My lights flash when I’m angry.”

  Everyone else was happy, though. Even poor old AquaBigsaurus seemed to be smiling in his sleep.

  Soap pig started up the cement mixer then fetched sand and water. “Now for the messy bit,” Stephanie cried, gleefully. Even Traffic light perked up and changed from yellow to green.

  Soon they were all s
hovelling and stirring and splashing water all over the place. Some of it even went into the mixer and made the cement wet.

  “Slurping nicely,” Soap pig approved. He watched a moment more then cried, “Stop. It’s slurped enough. Tip!”

  Much of the cement went onto the road, but that was all right because they’d helped the resting workmen quite a lot. In fact they’d done more than the workmen had. But then, the workmen hadn’t got Soap pig to organise them. It shows how good Soap pig was when some of the cement went into a big bucket stuck to a mechanical shovel. "Delivery time," Soap pig ordered.

  ”That’s your job,” Stephanie cried.

  Soap pig blinked. “So it is,” he said, surprised. He climbed into the driver’s seat, started the engine and then steered the bucket into the mouth of AquaBigsaurus.

  Panda-ted was standing beside the bad tooth and now he was giving orders. “Careful. A bit more. Left hand down a bit, no, no, that’s too much. We mustn’t concrete his tonsils.”

  Stephanie was pulling a face. “Cement tastes awful,” she agreed, having sampled some.

  Panda-ted carried on. “A bit more. That’s it. Halt. Ok men, Tip!”

  In the cab Soap pig pulled a lever, the bucket swayed about and the cement mixture sloshed and slurped into the hole in the monster’s tooth until it was brim full.

  “That’s enough,” Steph yelled.

  “Good,” Panda-ted said. “There isn’t any more.”

  “I hope no one else has a toothache,” Soap pig said, giving Steph a trowel.

  Steph did use the trowel but she really liked using her hands. So she did until the cement filling was really smooth.

  Lamppost watched her with great interest. “Can I carve my initials before it goes hard?” she asked. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  “Quickly, then,” Soap pig warned. “That gas was unleaded so he’ll soon wake up.”

  Lamppost worked quickly and had only just finished when Aquabigsaurus began to stir. First one eye opened. Then the other. Then he giggled like a happy tadpole and then he realised where he was. “See,” he said, proudly. “I told you I could bite that lorry.”

  “Feel anything?” Stephanie asked, anxiously.

  “Of course not,” the monster snapped. And then because it’s teeth neither hurt from the bite nor from anything else, it sat up straighter. It stared thoughtfully at the sky. His great tongue explored each tooth in turn. He smiled, he grinned and he laughed aloud. “I’m cured!” He leapt in the air and came down with an enormous happy splash. “Oh, I’m frightfully sorry. What a silly thing to do. Are you all right?”

  Luckily they’d all hidden with the sleeping workmen in the hut so they didn’t get wet. One thing, though. With all that talking and jumping Traffic light was able to jump clear. But he wasn’t pleased. Oh no. He ran off down the road crying “My cars. My cars. Come back my lovely cars!” Naturally they’d all gone home for tea long ago.

  Soap pig was still in charge. “Now, AquaBigsaurus,” he warned him, “You must not eat any whales, or houses, or ships for at least two days. The filling is firm because we’ve used Ever So Quick Drying Cement, “but it hasn’t reached full strength yet.”

  The monster’s face fell. “But, I’m hungry,” he complained.

  “You’ll undo all our good work,” Soap pig warned. He was good at warning people and monsters.

  Aquabigsaurus sighed. “All right then. I’ll just nibble a shark or six.”

  “Not even that!” Soap pig was stern. “Stick to liquids.”

  “But all I can get at this time of year is cold swamp soup and I hate cold swamp soup.” He looked at each of them in turn. “Please!” Everyone shook their heads.

  “Oh well, all right. I certainly don’t want toothache again,” Aquabigsaurus said. Then he brightened. “I ought to give you a reward. Would you like a ride out to sea?”

  “Oh yes. We’d love that,” Steph cried. “Can we go to Australia? Dad says there is a lot of it over there and I think he means sand.”

  “Sorry,” replied Aquabigsaurus. “There isn’t time. I’ll tell you a secret instead. There are two monsters in this loch and the other one,” he shuddered, “Is too awful for words. Why do you think I was so hungry I nearly ate you? I’m not like that at all, you know. The reason was this other monster steals all my food. But, I must go. Can’t you hear your mother calling?”

  Steph’s face fell. Soap pig said, “Don’t worry. This adventure isn’t finished so the next time you go to sleep, anywhere,” he emphasised, “it will start again. Somewhere. Bye. See you.” And off he went.

  Panda-ted was peering at the grass. There was something white and shiny lying there, near to Steph. Panda-ted picked it up and gave it to her just as her mother arrived. “Wake up, Stephanie. Tea time.”

  Steph jumped up. “Hey, mum, my tooth fell out.”

  “So it has,” Mum replied. “Let me see. Hmm. You must put it under your pillow tonight. It’s quite a monster one.”

  “Oh no,” Stephanie replied, picking up Panda-ted. “We filled that with cement.”

  “Did you, dear? Well, I think it is big and since your father is now in a good mood because it has just said on the news that the road menders have woken up to go on strike I shall tell him so. Maybe he will talk to the fairies and who knows what will happen. A monster tooth deserves a monster surprise.”

  “I think I fancy that,” replied Stephanie, and went in to have her tea.

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