Big Girls Do It Married

  "So there is something." Jamie rolled her eyes and sighed. "You know you're going to tell me. It just depends on how much wine I have to ply you with first."

  "Ugh. You are such a pain in the ass," I said.

  "Yep. That's why I'm your best friend. We pry information from each other when necessary. This is one of those times. I can see it in your eyes. You've been crying."

  "All right. Fine. Let me make some tea first." I filled the carafe from the refrigerator, set it on the warmer, and depressed the button. When the water had heated, I poured it over two bags of Irish Breakfast tea, added sugar, and sat down next to Jamie.

  "All hell broke loose, Jay," I said, by way of introduction.

  "Uh-oh."

  "Yeah. Jeff forgave me. We got back together, and things were great. Are great. Now, at least. But...he proposed." I showed her my hand, with his ring on my finger.

  Jamie spewed coffee into her hand. "What?" She wiped at her face and hands with a napkin. "He what?" She took my hand in hers, practically yanking me over the table to examine the ring.

  I withdrew my hand after a minute, staring at the ring myself. "He proposed. Asked me to marry him."

  Jamie shrieked, clapping. "Tell me! Spill! Now!"

  I laughed. "Jesus, Jay! Calm down! I'm spilling, already. He took me on a picnic--"

  "Like, an actual, factual picnic? Like, outside? With a blanket and a basket of food--?"

  "Yes, Jay," I cut in. "An actual, factual picnic. Beneath a huge oak tree, on a handmade quilt, with a basket of food and champagne and everything. It was...so romantic. We had this incredible sex, and afterward, he pulled one of those little black boxes from his pants pocket and proposed."

  "And you said yes, right?" I didn't answer immediately, and Jamie freaked. "Oh. My. God. You didn't. You hesitated."

  "I was scared! You know how I am about marriage, and my parents. I...yeah. I hesitated. I told him I needed to think about it."

  "You needed to think about it." Jamie repeated my words like they were an accusation. "You're an idiot. If he loves you, and you love him, what is there to think about?"

  "I'm not done, Jay," I sipped my steaming tea, and then started again. "He took it pretty well, I guess. Told me he understood how it might be a surprise and to take as much time as I needed. I wanted to say yes, I really did, but I just...I couldn't. Some part of me wouldn't let me. I don't know. Well, we had a gig the next day. At the fucking Dive, of all places."

  "Isn't that where you used to sing with Chase?"

  I nodded. "Yeah. Exactly. Well, we get through the shift okay, and then I took a break near the end. When I came back in, Jeff had this weird look on his face. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but then I saw him."

  "No! Chase showed up?" Jamie covered her mouth with a hand, leaning forward.

  "Just wait. It gets better."

  "How could it get better?" Jamie demanded. "Jeff proposes, you say 'I'll think about it,' and then Chase shows up?"

  "He looked different, so I didn't recognize him at first. He'd shaved his head--"

  "Oooh! Does it look good on him? Not all guys can pull off that look."

  "Yes, of course it looks good on him. The man can make a paper bag look sexy. With his head shaved, his eyes are just that much more vivid. He'd also gauged his ears and gotten a new tatt, and I'm not always a huge fan of ear gauging, but again, it's Chase, so it works."

  "What happened?" Jamie slapped the table. "Get on with it!"

  "You're the one who keeps interrupting!" I said, exasperated. "So anyway, I saw him, but I didn't have time to do anything. He has a microphone, and he's got the lights on him, and he turns, sees me coming in from the side door, and he fixes me with this intense, typical Chase stare. Now, keep in mind I haven't seen or spoken to him since New York. He called and left all these voicemails, sent me a million texts. You remember. Well, I didn't answer any of them. It had been over a month since I'd been back here, and it had seemed like he'd given up. So then he shows up out of the blue, where I'm working. With Jeff, who just proposed. Of course, Chase had no way of knowing that, but still."

  "What did he do? What'd he say?"

  "God, impatient much? I'm getting there. So he's got everyone's attention. He just...he commands the room, you know? He doesn't even have to try. He's got that larger-than-life magnetism. So everyone was looking. I mean everyone.

  "And then he proposed."

  "What? Are you fucking serious?" Jamie seemed nearly apoplectic. "He shows up out of the blue, after not having spoken to you in, like, two months, and then he asks you to marry him? In public?"

  "Exactly. I nearly had a heart attack. I mean for real, I think my heart actually did skip a few beats."

  "What did you do?"

  "I freaked! I ran like a bat out of hell. I swear, in the seconds before I ran out the door, you could hear a pin drop. I've heard the expression before, you know? But have you ever actually been in a room full of people that is completely and totally silent, with every single eye on you, waiting for your response? It's absolutely terrifying. It's worse than fucking up a performance. With that, you have the music to prompt you, you can keep going and everyone knows, but the song keeps going. This was so much worse. I wanted to die."

  Jamie, for all her bravado and manic energy, truly did love me and understand me. "Oh, honey. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. How did Jeff take it?"

  I winced. "He had a glass of Coke in his hand when Chase proposed, and he actually squeezed the glass so hard it shattered. Naturally enough, his first thought must have been that I'd been talking to Chase behind his back or something. But I think when he saw my reaction he knew I hadn't been. Chase and Jeff both ran after me, and...Jeff tried to push Chase away, saying something like, 'you've had your turn'--"

  "Oh, god, that couldn't have gone well."

  "No, not even a little bit. Chase pushed him back, and Jeff decked him. I mean, he leveled him. Completely flattened him. And let me tell you, having two guys fight over you is not in any way cool. It's awful. I mean, having your guy protect you from some asshole is one thing. I can see how that'd be hot. But when you care about both of them? It's heartbreaking."

  "God, Anna. How awful."

  "Yeah. So I made Jeff go inside and told Chase I couldn't deal with him right then. I don't think Chase understood at first how I might not have completely appreciated a proposal quite like that."

  "Idiot."

  "No, he meant well. He just wanted to get my attention, I guess. I'd run off and ignored him, and he was upset. I don't say it was the best way of doing it, but I can understand where he's coming from." I sighed before making the next admission. "You were right about Chase, and my feelings for him, and all that, though. He'd--"

  "Well, of course I was," Jamie said, waving her hand as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I knew it, I just knew it would take you time to realize it yourself."

  She peered at me, and then the ring. "Wait, so is that Jeff's ring or Chase's? I thought it was Jeff, but if you're admitting you have feelings for Chase, then I'm not so sure, all of a sudden."

  "I do have feelings for Chase. But what I realized was they were more like my mom and dad's feelings for each other. I wasn't sure we had an emotional relationship. He's great, honestly. It's not that I don't think he's capable of having that kind of relationship, 'cause I think he totally is. I just don't think it's there for him and I. Him and me, he and I--whatever."

  "I think it'd be 'him and me.'"

  "Oh, like you have any idea," I teased. "But seriously, though. Chase is amazing, in a lot of ways. But I don't think we have a relationship that would last forever. The sex would stop being exciting, or...well, no, it wouldn't. But a relationship has to have more than sex to it, or it doesn't work. I learned that from my parents."

  Jamie was conspicuously silent, staring through the tiny hole in the lid of her cup at the dregs of her mocha.

  "You'll find him, Jay," I sa
id, quietly, laying my hand over hers. "Just stop looking for a while. Just be content being you. Go without sex for a few months. When you find the right guy, it'll be that much more amazing."

  "A few months? I can't go a few days, Anna. I'd die. I'd be a cranky bitch." She curled her lip in disgust. "God, what does that say about me? Am I a nympho? I am, aren't I? I'm an actual nymphomaniac A sex addict."

  "You are not. You're just trying to fill the hole in your heart with sex, like I do with food. It won't work, though. That's what I'm learning."

  "Why are we talking about me?" Jamie said. "Shut up about me. I'll be fine. So what did you do?"

  "I met Chase for lunch the next day and told him I'd give him a chance to explain, but that it wouldn't change anything. So he went and tried to get me to marry him anyway. He was charming and convincing and totally Chase. And it was confusing as hell. He gave me a ring, and he told me to think about it. I went home and cried my eyes out, and then Jeff showed up."

  "What did he do?"

  "He...he reminded me why I'm so completely in love with him. He didn't push me on his proposal at all. He didn't even bring it up. He knew I was upset, and he comforted me. He let me talk about what was bugging me, and he actually listened, even though it was about him and Chase. He...he's so much more than I can ever deserve. He always thinks about me first. He told me he loved me enough to let me go, if I decided I wanted to be with Chase instead. He just wanted me to be happy."

  "He said that?" Jamie seemed choked up at the idea, though she kept it under control.

  "Yeah. He just held me, let me talk, let me cry. When a guy knows whether to just hold you and let you cry or talk to you and try to make it better, you know he really knows your heart."

  "And Jeff knows you like that?"

  "Yes, he does."

  "So is that when you knew?"

  I shook my head. "No. I knew when I couldn't imagine a day without him in it. I knew when making love to him wasn't just a physical thing anymore. It was an all of me thing."

  Jamie slipped the cardboard sleeve off the paper cup and started ripping it into pieces, not looking at me. "Sounds great."

  "Jamie--"

  "No, seriously. I'm happy for you. Jealous as hell, I don't mind admitting." She finally met my eyes. "If you fuck this up with Jeff, I swear I will kill you."

  "I know. Believe me, I know."

  "So you said yes to Jeff?"

  "Yeah. Last night. I saw Chase today. I got back from talking to him just before you did."

  "So you told Chase no, then?" Jamie asked. I nodded. "How did he take it?"

  "Not well. Not well at all. I mean, how do you take something like that? Is there a good way?" I ripped the tag from the tea bag between my fingers and added it to the pile Jamie was making with the cup sleeve. "He argued. He protested. He was mad."

  "Can you blame him? You're amazing. And you didn't really give him a chance, did you?"

  I shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'm convinced it wouldn't have worked. I love Jeff. I belong with Jeff."

  "So did Chase go back to New York?"

  "I don't know. I'm assuming so."

  Silence for a bit, then, "So when is the wedding?"

  I laughed. "I don't know. We haven't exactly discussed any of that yet. I just told him yes last night, and I haven't seen him yet today. He's helping a buddy move. We're going out later."

  Jamie nodded and stood up, scooped our trash into her empty cup, and threw it away. "Well, like I said, I'm glad for you. I'll help you plan your wedding when you're ready. Just...be smart, okay? I love you too much to watch you mess this up."

  "What's that mean?" I asked, irritated. "Why do you keep thinking I'd mess this up?"

  She shrugged. "Because we're alike. And I'd totally mess it up."

  "Give yourself more credit, Jay. And me."

  She laughed as she closed her bedroom door. "Credit where credit is due, Anna. You nearly did mess it up, you know." She opened the door again, poked her head out, and said, "If Chase shows up again, just say no. And then send him my way."

  I just sighed at that. She was incorrigible.

  I took a shower and spent a long time doing my hair and makeup for my date with Jeff later that night. I was still wrapped in a towel, not having decided on what to wear, when the door buzzed. I was expecting Jeff, so I didn't even think twice about hitting the buzzer and opening my apartment door. My towel was loosely wrapped around my chest, a toothbrush in my mouth as I held the door open. Expecting Jeff, I started to loosen the towel, thinking I would give him a surprise before we left. The thought had my juices flowing, anticipation of Jeff's hands on me, his lips on me.

  Chase clumped in his shit-kicker boots into the entryway. Shock hit me like a bolt of lightning. I started to close the door in his face, simply out of self-preservation. His eyes were dark with desire, his hands shoved into the pockets of his tight leather pants, stubble smeared across his face and scalp. His face was twisted with a haze of emotion, and I felt the familiar rush of uncontrollable desire for him pierce through me, riding the heat of my already aroused hormones.

  He took a step toward me, and then another. I backed up one step, but then he caught me in his strong arms and crushed me against him.

  Conflict warred in me. I struggled with my desire, with guilt, struggled against his implacable strength.

  And then he kissed me, and I was lost.

  CHAPTER 3

  My head swirled, whirled, skirled. Lunacy and madness boiled in my brain, heat moved within me in convection circles of desire, clouding my heart and body.

  I pushed against him, or I thought I did. I intended to, meant to. But somehow I was moving into the living room, the back of my thighs bumping against the edge of the couch. I moaned, meaning to say "no," but all that emerged from between our locked lips was the moan. It sounded, even to me, all too much like encouragement. My body was betraying my heart and mind. I knew this was wrong. I didn't even want this. Not really. I didn't love Chase.

  But his lips burned against mine, his tongue explored my mouth, my gums and teeth and tongue. His hands were branding my arms, sliding down to the damp towel, touching the swell of my hips and then up the silk of my thighs.

  No, no, not this, not like this. My thoughts were fragments of denial.

  I lifted my hands to his chest and pushed, pushed, pushed. He didn't budge. He only kissed me harder. His fingers brushed the dip of my hip where leg met pubic bone. So close, and I knew all too well how much fire he could spread in my body with a single finger.

  No! The word wouldn't come out.

  His hand slipped up my front, spreading the edges of the towel apart to reveal my skin, my belly, my breasts, and then the wet terrycloth was falling down around me and I was bare to the air, my breasts crushed against the cotton of his black T-shirt, my pussy brushing against the supple leather of his pants, his erection hard against my belly.

  Fingers brushed the bottom of one breast, traced a circle around my nipple, traitorously erect. I forced my body to remain still, to not arch into his touch.

  I heard footsteps on the stairs. The front door was wide open. Anyone walking by could see me, naked, clutched to Chase, lips locked in a kiss.

  If Jeff sees me like this, he'll never forgive me.

  The thought provided enough impetus to rip away from Chase. I pushed with all my strength against him, stumbled backward, tripping over my towel.

  "No!" The word scraped past my throat, a ragged denial. "No, Chase! I'm not with you. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Go. Just...go."

  I crouched, one arm across my breasts, the other across my privates, to lift my towel and wrap it awkwardly around me. Chase had seen me naked, making a mockery of my modesty, but to me it was a gesture of refusal.

  "Anna, please, I know you said we weren't right for each other, but I couldn't just leave, not without--"

  "Barging into my home and jumping me?" I was angry, now, embarrassed. I couldn't see past Chase'
s broad shoulders, but I felt a presence beyond him. "The door is wide open, Chase. Do you even care what I want?"

  "But we've been together before, in other places--"

  "That's over, Chase. We are over." Anger was quickly ebbing away, stealing my strength. "You need to leave. Please. Just leave."

  Chase didn't move. He just stood there staring at me, eyes wavering, alternating between the hard anger of rejection and the soft hurt of love denied. He took a step toward me, and I backed away.

  I heard Jamie's door open behind me, but I didn't turn to look at her. I heard a foot shuffle on the carpet behind Chase. I squeezed my eyes closed in a vain, wishing for none of this to have happened. I could feel Jeff's anger, even without seeing him. It was a palpable force.

  I stepped to the side, and there was Jeff, dressed in pressed khakis and a crisp white button-down, sleeves rolled up to just beneath the elbow. His brown hair was getting longer, enough to run my fingers through, and his dark brown eyes were blazing.

  "Jeff, it's not what you--"

  "Shut up, Anna," he said, his voice calm and deadly quiet. He turned his eyes to Chase. "I'll give you one chance to walk the fuck away before I break you in half, pretty boy."

  Chase seemed to swell up, get bigger. His fists clenched. I knew what was coming, and I had to stop it.

  "No!" I stepped forward, pushing Chase between the shoulder blades. "Just go, Chase! Get the fuck out! Go! I don't want you here!"

  Chase turned to me. "Anna, I'm sorry, I just--"

  The anger in Jeff's eyes--directed at me, it seemed--spurred me to scream, "GO!"

  Chase's face closed down, turned hard and impenetrable. He spun on his heel and stalked past Jeff, who closed his eyes, fists trembling, jaw clenched, as if it was taking all his restraint to keep his hands to himself.

  Chase paused with one foot on the stair, then turned back. "This was all me, Jeff," he said. "This wasn't her. Don't be mad at her." Then he was gone.

  Jeff's eyes flicked to me, taking in the towel clutched to my breasts, hanging down my front so my bare hips peeked out from the sides of the towel.

  I heard Jamie's soft footfalls behind me, then she was in front of me, as if to shield me. I backed up, bumped against the wall and slid down to my bottom, letting the towel pool over my lap.

  "Jeff, he just showed up, okay?" Jamie said. "He took her by surprise. Don't--"