The Zahir: A Novel of Obsession

  "'Does that mean we might lose things that are important?'

  "'Never. The important things always stay; what we lose are the things we thought were important but which are, in fact, useless, like the false power we use to control the energy of love.'

  "The old man tells her that her time is up and that he has other people to see. Despite my pleas he proves inflexible, but tells Esther that if she ever comes back, he will teach her more."

  "Esther is only staying in Almaty for another week, but promises to return. During that time, I tell her my story over and over and she tells me hers, and we see that the old man is right: something is leaving us, we are lighter, although we could not really say that we are any happier.

  "The old man had given us another piece of advice: fill that space up quickly. Before she leaves, she asks if I would like to go to France so that we can continue this process of forgetting. She has no one with whom she can share all this; she can't talk to her husband; she doesn't trust the people she works with; she needs someone from outside, from far away, who has, up until then, had nothing to do with her personal history.

  "I say that I would like to do that and only then mention what the voice had prophesied. I also tell her that I don't know French and that my only work experience so far has been tending sheep and working in a garage.

  "At the airport, she asks me to take an intensive course in French. I ask her why she wants me to go to France. She repeats what she has said and admits she's afraid of the space opening up around her as she erases her personal history; she's afraid that everything will rush back in more intensely than before, and then there will be no way of freeing herself from her past. She tells me not to worry about buying a ticket or getting a visa; she will take care of everything. Before going through passport control, she looks at me, smiles, and says that, although she may not have known it, she had been waiting for me as well. The days we had spent together had been the happiest she had known in the last three years.

  "I start working at night, as a bouncer at a striptease joint, and during the day I devote myself to learning French. Oddly enough, the attacks diminish, but the presence also goes away. I tell my mother that I've been invited to go abroad, and she tells me not to be so naive, I'll never hear from the woman again.

  "A year later, Esther returns to Almaty. The expected war has begun, and someone else has written an article about the secret American bases, but Esther's interview with the old man had been a great success and now she has been asked to write a long article on the disappearance of the nomads. 'Apart from that,' she said, 'it's been ages since I told my story to anyone and I'm starting to get depressed.'

  "I help put her in touch with the few tribes who still travel, with the Tengri tradition, and with local shamans. I am now fluent in French, and over supper she gives me various forms from the consulate to fill in, gets me a visa, buys me a ticket, and I come to Paris. We both notice that, as we empty our minds of old stories, a new space opens up, a mysterious feeling of joy slips in, our intuitions grow sharper, we become braver, take more risks, do things which might be right or which might be wrong, we can't be sure, but we do them anyway. The days seem longer and more intense.

  "When I arrive in Paris, I ask where I'm going to work, but she has already made plans: she has persuaded the owner of a bar to allow me to appear there once a week, telling him that I specialize in an exotic kind of performance art from Kazakhstan which consists of encouraging people to talk about their lives and to empty their minds.

  "At first, it is very difficult to get the sparse audience to join in, but the drunks enjoy it and word spreads. 'Come and tell your old story and discover a new one,' says the small handwritten notice in the window, and people, thirsty for novelty, start to come.

  "One night, I experience something strange: it is not me on the small improvised stage in one corner of the bar, it is the presence. And instead of telling stories from my own country and then moving on to suggest that they tell their stories, I merely say what the voice tells me to. Afterward, one of the spectators is crying and speaks about his marriage in intimate detail to the other strangers there.

  "The same thing happens the following week--the voice speaks for me, asking people to tell stories not about love, but about the lack of love, and the energy in the air is so different that the normally discreet French begin discussing their personal lives in public. I am also managing to control my attacks better; if, when I'm on stage, I start to see the lights or feel that warm wind, I immediately go into a trance, lose consciousness, and no one notices. I only have 'epileptic fits' at moments when I am under great nervous strain.

  "Other people join the group. Three young men the same age as me, who had nothing to do but travel the world--the nomads of the Western world; and a couple of musicians from Kazakhstan, who have heard about their fellow countryman's 'success,' ask if they can join the show, since they are unable to find work elsewhere. We include percussion instruments in the performance. The bar is becoming too small, and we find a room in the restaurant where we currently appear; but now we are starting to outgrow that space too, because when people tell their stories, they feel braver; when they dance, they are touched by the energy and begin to change radically; love--which, in theory, should be threatened by all these changes--becomes stronger, and they recommend our meetings to their friends.

  "Esther continues traveling in order to write her articles, but always comes to the meetings when she is in Paris. One night, she tells me that our work at the restaurant is no longer enough; it only reaches those people who have the money to go there. We need to work with the young. Where will we find them, I ask? They drift, travel, abandon everything, and dress as beggars or characters out of sci-fi movies.

  "She says that beggars have no personal history, so why don't we go to them and see what we can learn. And that is how I came to meet all of you.

  "These are the things I have experienced. You have never asked me who I am or what I do, because you're not interested. But today, because we have a famous writer in our midst, I decided to tell you."

  "But you're talking about your past," said the woman in the clashing hat and coat. "Even though the old nomad..."

  "What's a nomad?" someone asks.

  "People like us," she responds, proud to know the meaning of the word. "People who are free and manage to live with only what they can carry."

  I correct her:

  "That's not quite true. They're not poor."

  "What do you know about poverty?" The tall, aggressive man, who now has even more vodka in his veins, looks straight at me. "Do you really think that poverty has to do with having no money? Do you think we're miserable wretches just because we go around begging money from rich writers and guilt-ridden couples, from tourists who think how terribly squalid Paris has become or from idealistic young people who think they can save the world? You're the one who's poor--you have no control over your time, you can't do what you want, you're forced to follow rules you didn't invent and which you don't understand..."

  Mikhail again interrupted the conversation and asked the woman:

  "What did you actually want to know?"

  "I wanted to know why you're telling us your story when the old nomad said you should forget it."

  "It's not my story anymore: whenever I speak about the past now, I feel as if I were talking about something that has nothing to do with me. All that remains in the present are the voice, the presence, and the importance of fulfilling my mission. I don't regret the difficulties I experienced; I think they helped me to become the person I am today. I feel the way a warrior must feel after years of training: he doesn't remember the details of everything he learned, but he knows how to strike when the time is right."

  "And why did you and that journalist keep coming to visit us?"

  "To take nourishment. As the old nomad from the steppes said, the world we know today is merely a story someone has told to us, but it is not the true story. The other st
ory includes special gifts and powers and the ability to go beyond what we know. I have lived with the presence ever since I was a child and, for a time, was even capable of seeing her, but Esther showed me that I was not alone. She introduced me to other people with special gifts, people who could bend forks by sheer force of will, or carry out surgery using rusty penknives and without anaesthesia, so that the patient could get up after the operation and leave.

  "I am still learning to develop my unknown potential, but I need allies, people like you who have no personal history."

  I felt like telling my story to these strangers too, in order to begin the process of freeing myself from the past, but it was late and I had to get up early the next day to see the doctor and have him remove the orthopedic collar.

  I asked Mikhail if he wanted a lift, but he said no, he needed to walk a little, because he felt Esther's absence particularly acutely that night. We left the group and headed for a street where I would be able to find a taxi.

  "I think that woman was right," I said. "If you tell a story, then that means you're still not really free of it."

  "I am free, but, as I'm sure you'll understand, therein lies the secret; there are always some stories that are 'interrupted,' and they are the stories that remain nearest to the surface and so still occupy the present; only when we close that story or chapter can we begin the next one."

  I remembered reading something similar on the Internet; it was attributed to me, although I didn't write it:

  That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

  But I had better find out what Mikhail means.

  "What are 'interrupted stories'?"

  "Esther isn't here. She reached a point where she could go no further in the process of emptying herself of unhappiness and allowing joy to flow in. Why? Because her story, like that of millions of other people, is bound up with the energy of love. It can't evolve on its own: she must either stop loving or wait until her beloved comes to her.

  "In failed marriages, when one person stops walking, the other is forced to do the same. And while he or she is waiting, other lovers appear, or there is charitable work to get involved in, there are the children to worry about, there are long hours at the office, etc. It would be much easier to talk openly about things, to insist, to yell: 'Let's move on, we're dying of tedium, anxiety, fear.'"

  "Are you telling me that Esther can't continue with the process of freeing herself from sadness because of me?"

  "No, that's not what I meant. I don't believe that one person can blame another, under any circumstances. All I said was that she has a choice between stopping loving you or making you come to her."

  "That's what she's doing."

  "I know, but, if it were up to me, we would only go to her when the voice allows us to."

  Right, this should be the last you see of the orthopedic collar. I certainly hope so anyway. But, please, avoid making any sudden movements. Your muscles need to get used to working on their own again. By the way, what happened to the girl who made those predictions?"

  "What girl? What predictions?"

  "Didn't you tell me at the hospital that someone had claimed to hear a voice warning that something was going to happen to you?"

  "Oh, it wasn't a girl. And you said you were going to find out about epilepsy for me."

  "Yes, I got in touch with a specialist and asked him if he knew of any such cases. His answer surprised me a bit, but let me just remind you that medicine has its mysteries. Do you remember the story I told you about the boy who goes out to buy five apples and returns with two?"

  "Yes, and how he might have lost them or given them away, or else they might have turned out to be more expensive than expected, etc. Don't worry, I know there are no absolute answers. But, first, did Joan of Arc suffer from epilepsy?"

  "Oddly enough, my friend mentioned her during our conversation. Joan of Arc started hearing voices when she was thirteen. Her statements reveal that she saw lights, which is one of the symptoms of an attack. According to the neurologist, Dr. Lydia Bayne, the warrior-saint's ecstatic experiences were caused by what we now call musicogenic epilepsy, which is provoked by hearing a particular kind of sound or music: in Joan's case, it was the sound of bells. Were you there when the boy had a fit?"

  "Yes."

  "Was there any music playing?"

  "I can't remember. But even if there was, the clatter of cutlery and the buzz of conversation would have drowned it out."

  "Did he seem tense?"

  "Yes, very."

  "That's another thing that can provoke an attack. Epilepsy has been around for longer than you might think. In Mesopotamia, there are remarkably accurate descriptions of what they called 'the falling sickness,' which was followed by convulsions. Ancient people believed that it was caused by demons invading a person's body; only much later on did the Greek Hippocrates relate these convulsions to some dysfunction of the brain. Even so, epileptics are still the victims of prejudice."

  "I'm sure. I was absolutely terrified when it happened."

  "You mentioned the word prophecy, and so I asked my friend to concentrate his researches in that area. According to him, most scientists agree that, although a lot of famous people have suffered from epilepsy, the disease itself does not confer greater or lesser powers on anyone. Nevertheless, the more famous epileptics did succeed in persuading other people to see their fits as having a mystical aura."

  "Give me an example of some famous epileptics."

  "Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Dante...I didn't make a full list, since what you were interested in was the boy's prophecy. What's his name, by the way?"

  "You don't know him, and since you've nearly always got another appointment to go to, perhaps you'd better just finish your explanation."

  "All right. Medical scientists who study the Bible are sure that the apostle Paul was an epileptic. They base this on the fact that, on the road to Damascus, he saw a brilliant light near him which caused him to fall to the ground, leaving him temporarily blind and unable to eat or drink for some days. In medical terms, this is known as 'temporal lobe epilepsy.'"

  "I don't think the church would agree."

  "I'm not even sure that I agree, but that's what the medical literature says. Other epileptics develop their self-destructive side, as was the case with van Gogh. He described his convulsions as 'the storm within.' In Saint-Remy, where he was a patient, one of the nurses saw him having a convulsive seizure."

  "At least he managed in his paintings to transform his self-destruction into a reconstruction of the world."

  "Some people suspect that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland in order to describe his own experiences of epilepsy. The story at the beginning of the book, when Alice falls down a black hole, is an experience familiar to most epileptics. During her journey through Wonderland, Alice often sees things flying and she herself feels very light--another very precise description of the effects of an epileptic attack."

  "So it would seem epileptics have a propensity for art."

  "Not at all, it's just that because artists tend to become famous, art and epilepsy become linked in people's minds. Literature is full of examples of writers with a suspected or confirmed diagnosis of epilepsy: Moliere, Edgar Allan Poe, Flaubert.... Dostoevsky had his first attack when he was nine years old, and said that it brought him moments when he felt utterly at peace with the world as well as moments of terrible depression. Don't take all of this too seriously, and don't go thinking that you might develop
epilepsy because of your accident. I haven't come across a single case of epilepsy being caused by colliding with a motorbike."

  "As I said, this is someone I actually know."

  "Does the boy with the predictions really exist or did you invent all this simply because you think you might have passed out when you stepped off the pavement?"

  "On the contrary, I hate knowing about illnesses. Whenever I read a medical book, I immediately start to get all the symptoms."

  "Let me tell you something, but please don't take it the wrong way. I think this accident did you a lot of good. You seem calmer, less obsessed. A brush with death always helps us to live our lives better; that's what your wife told me when she gave me a bit of bloodstained fabric, which I always carry with me, even though, as a doctor, I see death, close to, every day."

  "Did she say why she gave you the cloth?"

  "She was very generous in her description of my work. She said that I was capable of combining technique with intuition, discipline with love. She told me that a soldier, before he died, had asked her to take his blood-soaked shirt, cut it into pieces, and share those pieces among people who were genuinely trying to reveal the world as it is. I imagine you, with all your books, must also have a bit of this shirt."

  "No, I haven't."

  "Do you know why?"

  "I do, or, rather, I'm beginning to find out."

  "And since I'm not only your doctor, but your friend, may I give you some advice? If this epileptic boy did tell you that he can foresee the future, then he knows nothing about medicine."

  Zagreb, Croatia. 6:30 a.m.

  Marie and I are sitting by a frozen fountain. It appears that, this year, spring has decided not to happen; indeed, it looks as if we will jump straight from winter into summer. In the middle of the fountain stands a column with a statue on top.

  I have spent the entire afternoon giving interviews and cannot bear to say another word about my new book. The journalists all ask the usual questions: Has my wife read the book (I don't know)? Do I feel I've been unfairly treated by the critics (what?)? Has A Time to Rend and a Time to Sew shocked my readers at all, given that I reveal a great deal about my personal life (a writer can only write about his own life)? Will the book be made into a film (I repeat for the nth time that the film happens in the reader's mind and that I have forbidden the sale of film rights on any of my books)? What do I think about love? Why did I choose to write about love? How can one be happy in love, love, love, love?...