One Size Fits All

“Deal! You go have fun being adored. I’m going to go walk around and get death threats by little girls.” Melanie walks away waving to a few of the kids walking by and I laugh hysterically when the one little girl sticks her tongue out at her.

  I guess being a princess is better than being a villain sometimes.

  Chapter Two

  Today has been hell.

  Not like the hell where you need a strong dose of Tylenol, the hell where your entire body shakes with rage and you need a machete complete with moving targets.

  Everyone has heard about Jeremy and me.

  Even though I’m the one who dumped his stupid ass he still comes out looking like a king.

  “Hey there, Lily, if you need a booty call tonight let me know. Sloppy seconds don’t scare me off,” Charlie, one of Jeremy’s best friends, calls to me. He’s one of the other princes and I’ve never liked his creepy ass.

  “Only thing that’s sloppy is the way you think you give girls orgasms. At least from what I hear.” I lower my voice a bit pretending to whisper. “Just so you know when you only last two minutes, she’s faking it.”

  His eyes narrow and I know I’ve pissed him off. “Maybe I should go ask all the chicks Jeremy banged if they faked it.”

  My blood boils as he references all those dirty whores. I’m about to rip him a new one when I’m suddenly blinded. I look down and I’m covered in glitter. Turning around I find Darcy, the fairy.

  “Did you just throw glitter on me?” I’m trying to contain my rage praying she has a logical response, yea right.

  “Princesses should always be pleasant. They never yell and always smile. You seemed like you were in distress, so I aided you with fairy dust.” She smiles too sweetly and I’m about to boil over.

  “Listen to me, Dumbbell, if you ever sprinkle me with that herpes shit again I will rip your wings off and shove them so far up your—”

  “Okay, princess, let’s go get some royal drinks.” Melanie pulls me away before I murder the little LSD bitch. “You need to chill out girl, I mean just—Ow!”

  “Leave Princess Lily alone you evil witch!” A little girl is standing there poised to deliver another kick to Melanie’s shin.

  “Thank you for saving me.” I kneel down giving the little girl a hug, and then she skips off to her parents.

  “See, I have real problems. I get kicked and sneered at all day. Some little brat threw popcorn and booed at me today. Have fun getting adored at your next meet and greet, princess. And by princess I mean bitch.” She turns away and starts to walk.

  “Love you!”

  She turns giving me a look. “I’m sneaking you an apple later.” She smiles before leaving. I can’t help but laugh as little girls passing by shout at her.

  I have one more meet and greet to do today and then I’m finally done. This one is for VIP’s, which basically means parents who have way too much damn money and creepy dads who think you can be bought by slipping you a hundred.

  You’d be surprised how many of these sleaze balls I’ve caught doing one of the whore fairies in the kiddie ride scenes. Seeing a flabby white ass pop up between your favorite characters’ heads is totally not a good look.

  Walking into the safari park I try to take a deep breath and put on my happy face. I swear when I get wrinkles from this cheesy smile this park is totally paying my Botox bill.

  I wave dutifully to all the little girls as they watch me pass them. I wish I could tell them that they should dream about being a doctor, or a teacher. Someone who actually means something, not a damn bimbo in a dress.

  I walk into the tent and take my place under the arch ready for the photographer to charge these parents a semester of college tuition for a souvenir picture. I shake my hands hoping to shake some of the bitchiness out.

  The first little girl walks in and it’s show time.

  The kids aren’t that bad, at least for me. Melanie is a whole different story. For me they are sweet and happy, its honestly the best part of this stupid job.

  My last family walks in and I talk to the little girl for a few minutes before it’s picture time. The dad stands next to me and his hand is way too south of my hips. This is the worst part; you can’t do anything without causing a scene.

  “If you have a case of jungle fever I’m a doctor. You should let me give you a full body examination.” His slimy voice slithers in my ear.

  Really? He had one shot to deliver a line and he went with that?

  “I’m good, but if you’re into beastiality I hear the fur characters are total freaks.” I sweetly smile at him as his smirk turns into a scowl.

  He grabs his wife and daughter’s hand as they walk out of the tent.

  I. Hate. Men.

  ***

  “I need sex. Like really good, fun revenge sex.” Pulling the straightener through my hair I give myself one last look in the mirror.

  “Seriously?” Melanie looks over at me like I’m an alien. “Why would you just want to jump into some random guy’s bed?”

  “So that my orgasm could momentarily distract me from my train wreck of a life.”

  “Well, my mom always told me that no one will ever buy the cow if you give the milk away for free.” I love Melanie but she is such a goody two-shoes sometimes. Which is actually really ironic considering she’s the evil queen.

  “Listen, chill out. I don’t want anyone to buy my cow right now, I don’t even want to give some random guy my milk.” I side-glance over at her. “Maybe I just want him to play with my utters a little bit.”

  “Eww!” Her face twists in disgust and I can’t help but laugh. “You’re disgusting.”

  “Yeah, but you love me anyway.” I give her a hug before grabbing my purse and walking to the door. “Come on, slut, I need to bag me a decent sized penis.”

  “Kate!”

  I don’t look back at her and just continue to laugh. It’s so easy to get a rise out of her, I barely need to try anymore.

  The bar we head to is a smaller place but it’s one of my favorites because the drinks are cheap. If they weren’t I definitely could not afford the amount of alcohol in my system right now.

  I slam my hand on the bar out of frustration. “I’m a princess. A fucking princess. I’m at the top of the damn theme parkery hierarchy!”

  “Theme parkery?” Melanie arches one of her eyebrows at me.

  “Don’t correct my grammar when I’m drunk, only assholes do that.” I hop off the barstool. “I need to pee.”

  On the way to the bathroom a guy steps in front of me. Even through my fuzzy vision I can tell he is way too pretty to give me a good time tonight. “Hey there, girl. Can I get some of that cake?”

  “Cake?” I am so damn hungry my mouth starts salivating. “There’s cake?” I’m looking around frantically like one of the idiots in the horror movies when they should just be running.

  He laughs. “Not that kind of cake.”

  As he winks at me my delayed brain connects the dots. “Are you trying to turn my favorite dessert into something sexual?” My face scrunches with disgust and disappointment that there really isn’t any cake.

  “It’s a common saying. All the rappers are using it.” He nods at me like I’m one of his bros that just did a pull-up.

  “Oh okay, well as you can see my jeans aren’t showing off my ass, I have no bling hanging from my neck, and I’m not drinking out of a pimp cup. Not only that but you aren’t Lil’ Wayne.” I move to walk past him before spinning to face him again. “Last, I love cake too much to listen to you talk about it like that.”

  Since when is my vagina referred to as cake?

  I mean come on.

  I don’t care what those stupid romance books say, there is no way that shit tastes good.

  Maybe I don’t want sex.

  I just want more alcohol.

  Chapter Three

  Walking into the park today I try to pretend like I’m not completely hungov
er. As I walk around I have to make sure I don’t make eye contact with any of the spinning rides. It’s so hot today that it’s making me feel ten times worse. I’m reminded of why I usually don’t get drunk the night before I have work. All of this is usually too much to deal with on a normal day. Once I add in the fact that all I want to do is pass out and drink eighteen bottles of water, this place might as well be my own personal hell.

  Today I have to do the huge parade and I pray that I’m done with my hangover by then. It would so not be cute if I puked all over the pretty flowers and statues of woodland animals.

  “Hey, Kate!” I turn to see Danielle. She lives with Melanie and me, she’s also a fairy. I don’t know how she does it. Dani actually has a brain, but it’s the only position they had open.

  “Hey, you’re back. You missed an interesting time yesterday.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I heard, Mel said that she was surprised you were even able to function today.”

  “Yeah, well she always underestimates me. By the way I almost killed one of the minions in your group yesterday. Make it known that the next one of them that comes at me with some glitter will have their wings shoved up their ass.” I smile and wave at a little girl who just squealed at the sight of me. “Being nice sucks ass.”

  “Yeah, you’re totally the nicest person ever. Maybe you do need some fairy dust.” She shakes the little pouch she’s holding.

  “I’ll kill you.”

  “Now, princess, that’s no way to talk.” She laughs.

  “You know if I could flip you off right now I would,” I say through a half closed mouth as I wave at a large group of girls walking by. “Fly away before I clip your wings.”

  “Whatever, maybe you do need to get laid.” She shrugs before walking away.

  As I walk toward the castle for our first show today I can feel everyone’s eyes on me. It’s crazy because just a few days ago I was their hero. I might have been drunk as I was explaining it last night but there is a definite hierarchy to the park.

  On the top you have your princes and princesses since they are basically loved by everyone. After that come the villains because everyone loves to hate them. Then it’s the dancers, they get to dress in regular clothes and don’t have to worry about acting any certain way. Next you have the fur characters, they all hate us because we get paid more. When no one can actually see your face your value goes down some. They would probably be on the bottom if they all weren’t such whores; there are a mix of guys and girls but I swear its like one big Noah’s Ark orgy. The fairies come next, except for Dani, they are all brainless. I think its because they snort too much of that damn fairy dust. At the very bottom are the pirates. They’re just disgusting, they might as well be the homeless people of our little city. It’s still a big debate as to whether they shower or not.

  The way everyone is looking at me right now you would think I was one of the damn pirates. The sideways glances and snickering aren’t going unnoticed. I take a deep breath as I walk up the castle stairs and see Jeremy standing there waiting for me.

  “Lily, can we just—”

  I hold my hand up. “Let’s get something straight. This is a job, and if I was allowed to, Princess Lily would dump your ass after making sure you’re celibate for the rest of your life. Also keep your hands where they belong or next time I’ll beat you with a real sword. Last, my name is Kate. I know that might be a lot of information for your tiny brain, but let it sink in, and shut up.”

  The announcer begins our intro as I smooth out the obnoxious dress I have on.

  I can totally do this.

  Jeremy and I step out onto the stage and move through our performance without any mistakes. Being this close to him sucks. It was nice when I was stupid and thought I loved the idiot, now it just blows.

  I hate that he made me look like such a fool. Everyone knows that he was screwing around and since he’s a man that makes him a hero. God forbid if it were me, I’d be the biggest whore. Damn double standards.

  Once we’re done I walk away from him without a word. “Kate, you can’t leave yet, you have a meet and greet together today. It’s on the schedule.” I look up at my manager.

  Shit.

  I simply nod to keep anything un-ladylike from leaving my mouth. As much as I can’t stand it here it pays really well and I need the money. I stand there waiting for Jeremy to catch up to me.

  “This is not like old times. You try to kiss me and I’ll shove my heel up your ass.” I loop my arm through his.

  “Wow, how did you know I was into that?” He shakes his head.

  “Don’t think I am naive to the things you’ve been in, thankfully I don’t know most of the details. You should really get that thing checked before it falls off.” We step outside and the crowd of kids light up with happiness.

  “Too bad these girls don’t know that their princess is a constant bitch.” He waves to the crowd as he whispers to me.

  “Too bad they don’t realize that their prince is a small dicked douchebag,” I throw back before walking toward everyone, not giving him a chance to reply.

  I need a vacation.

  I see Melanie walk by as we pose for our first picture. She laughs and I make a mental note to smack her later. Jeremy and I spend an hour with the kids, smiling and answering questions like I love him and like he isn’t an asshole.

  Today needs to go by fast because I can’t take much more of this crap.

  Chapter Four

  It feels so good to be rid of that stupid dress and be able to put on my jeans and a T-shirt. I feel like such a phony in that costume. Let’s be honest I’m definitely not princess material, or annoyingly happy.

  “Hey, I didn’t realize you were still here.” I turn around to see Chris, one of the dancers.

  “Just heading home now. I’m beat, and starving.” I barely eat at work because no one wants to see Princess Lily plowing her way through some fried chicken.

  “Well, do you want to grab something to eat?” Chris isn’t bad looking and I am really hungry. Maybe if things go well he could be my rebound.

  “Sure.” I smile at him.

  “Okay I’ll drive.” I follow him to the car as I pull out my phone to text Melanie and tell her not to wait for me.

  Melanie: I thought you gave up on the whole rebound thing last night?

  Me: Yeah, but I think it’s still a good option.

  Melanie: It really isn’t.

  Me: Like I told you last night, no giving milk away. Just a little utter play.

  Melanie: You’re still disgusting. I just gagged.

  I laugh and Chris looks over at me. I smile as I climb into the passenger seat of his car. We head to one of the diners and get seated in a back booth.

  Neither of us really says anything as we look over the menus. Once the waitress comes by to take our order we no longer have anything to keep us distracted.

  “So I heard about all the stuff that happened with Jeremy.” He scratches the back of his head like he is nervous. “He’s an idiot.”

  “Well we can both agree on that.” I smile at him.

  The rest of the meal goes pretty well. We talk and laugh at stupid little things. Things are really easy and I don’t have to put too much effort in, which is nice. I felt like whenever I was out with Jeremy he still expected me to act like Princess Lily. He wanted a girl who was happy, and proper. That’s so far from me that it isn’t even funny.

  I think a part of me knew that it wouldn’t last; it would have been nice if he could have ended it before banging all the other princesses. He made me look so pathetic doing that. I’m the joke of the park just because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

  “Hey, you still here?”

  I look up at Chris snapping myself out of my own mind. “Yeah, sorry. Long couple of days.”

  The waitress drops off the check and Chris picks it up. “Okay, so with tip you owe fifteen.”

  Serio
usly? I grab my wallet and pull some cash out of it.

  “You want to come over and watch a movie or something?” He looks over at me as he hands the waitress the check and money.

  You going to charge me admission?

  “Sure.” As much as his very presence is annoying me right now I could really use a distraction.

  He smiles and starts to walk out of the diner and back to his car. I follow hoping that he is at least worth the effort of not telling him he’s a cheap, no-manner-having idiot. When you ask a girl to go eat with you, you pay. It isn’t like we were at a fifty dollar a plate restaurant. Hopefully he makes it all worth my while.

  We don’t really talk much in the car, the awkwardness of the imminent booty call looming over us. The radio is on and I swear every baby making song ever is being played. It’s like a sign that it’s okay for me to act like a slut tonight. I can’t help but laugh at 2myself. I’m so not that girl, but right now I just want to forget about Jeremy. I tried alcohol and that didn’t do much. Maybe getting under a new guy will help me get over the old one. When we pull up to his apartment I have a moment of panic where I don’t know if I can go through with this.

  Walking through the door I look around pleasantly surprised that it isn’t a complete pigsty. I think with every girl there is that moment of panic when the apartment door opens and you don’t know what you’ll be walking into.

  “Gimme one second, make yourself comfortable.” He drops his keys on the counter before walking down the hallway.

  I sit on the couch, biting my lip in nervousness. Just calm down. It’s just sex not marriage.

  After a few minutes I become concerned with what the hell he could be doing. That’s when out of nowhere music starts to play. I immediately recognize the song as “Pony.” What the hell is going on?

  Chris steps out from the hallway, shirtless and with a cowboy hat on. Holy crap. He starts to dance slowly rolling his body and moving to the beat. When he looks up at me he smirks.

  Don’t laugh.

  Pelvic thrust.

  Don’t laugh.

  Oh god, he’s humping the floor.