I've Never Been Partial To Girls Who Swear

  cross the burn so carefully

  in the city so much rushing

  try so hard to move so slow

  is it boredom turns my mind to

  bask in miss Nostalgia’s glow

  such an old land built on freedom

  like the eagle watch him soar

  gently floating in the sunshine

  carrying memories for evermore

  take me home to the cuillans

  back to the mountains of my youth

  take me back to the cuillans

  peaks of innocence and truth

  **~top~**

  my father

  Both my parents were very keen on fishing. When we were old enough we'd very occasionally be allowed to accompany dad on a late evening fishing trip. There would only be enough room for one pillion passenger on the back of his Honda 125, and more often than not it would be our Robert – but sometimes it would be me. I was a lousy fisherman – mind too filled with nonsense to sit still for long enough – and always drawing pictures. But those days sitting by Loch Lubnaig sipping too strong tea from plastic thermos cups remain precious memories.

  my father

  your heart is of the Rannock Moor

  purple braes a wondrous sight

  casting a fly

  sharing a pint

  how I long for your company tonight

  quiet solitude aside the loch

  steamy mugs fight chill of night

  nocturnal whispers

  no need to talk

  how I miss your company tonight

  words of wonder, nature, laughter

  to my young eyes you saw things right

  to see such beauty

  in a rowan tree

  how I long to hear you talk tonight

  that quiet voice so hard to catch

  sowed the seeds of art that night

  nothing biting but

  imagination

  how I miss your gentle voice tonight

  left our land far long ago

  once jet black now snowy white

  a world away

  but always close

  in my heart I’m in your company tonight

  **~top~**

  going steady

  I've always been one to put ladies on a bit of a pedestal – nothing wrong with that – but what happens when real life seeps in? When we were young a “steady” girlfriend was a serious step. “Steady” was the phase after “wynching” (or going out) but prior to marriage. Of course nowadays, while the end result is the same, the road travelled is different.

  going steady

  I don’t know why

  I never imagined in my wildest dreams

  that you could do such a thing

  I didn’t know that you could fart

  it just never occurred to me

  all those cosy candlelit dinners

  those late night spicy Thai takeaways

  and not a hint

  even that awful BYO works barbeque

  proved to be

  a fart-free

  fricassee

  but now

  after last night

  I wonder

  it was just a little plop

  not even a real fart

  just a teeny tiny addition

  to the hole in the ozone layer

  hardly worth bothering about

  but it’s got me wondering

  I mean

  what’s next

  I mean

  what if I lift up the duvet

  and discover a big

  silent but deadly

  just lurking there

  waiting for me

  and come to think of it

  what did you do before

  hold it in

  for four months

  that can’t be good for you

  but hang it all

  you’re a girl

  and I never thought girls

  well

  did that sort of thing

  farted I mean

  I just can’t imagine why I…

  hey, wait a minute

  hold the bus

  does this mean

  we’re

  going steady

  **~top~**

  the map

  In the 70's we saw the emergence of 'new' towns – those concrete manufactured monstrosities that were supposedly designed from the ground up for perfect urban living. Huge carparks on the outskirts of the town serviced by bus and train routes to take you into the heart of the town – hopefully now they have some soul – in those early days they were certainly dreary enough places. Come Christmas time we'd sometimes be told that we were going to shop in a new place with the idea that the gifts on offer would be a bit different. More often or not, we'd try to steer our mother towards Christmas shopping in the Barras – the street market area of Glasgow – but once I recall her deciding upon Livingston Newtown as her place of choice.

  the map

  standing here

  a genetic experiment

  a cross between a drowned rat

  and a frozen gorilla

  with maybe a wee bit of pack mule

  thrown in for good measure

  suppose that’s from your side of the family

  all the while you just stand there

  looking at me

  through the drizzle

  with that look

  the one that says its all my fault

  me

  not we

  but me

  my fault

  well, I’ll have you know my dear

  that I know exactly where I am

  precisely located

  slap bang in the middle of this dirty big puddle

  being talked at

  by you

  what’s more

  I’m frozen to the marrow

  can’t feel my ears

  my nose

  or my feet

  though my arms are now

  plenty long enough to reach them

  since I’ve been carrying your four bags

  of overpriced Christmas crap

  into every nook and cranny

  in the city

  for five hours

  and now

  you want to drag me back

  through that gauntlet

  of venomous wee bissoms

  wi’ eye gouging umbrellas

  to buy a map

  a map!

  now let me get this straight

  we parked the car under a wee animal

  some kind of rodent

  and we’re not sure if it’s a stoat

  a badger

  or a weasel

  and of course

  there’s not a name to be found

  because some city planner

  in their infinite wisdom

  had the grand idea

  of using silhouettes of local wildlife

  for carpark navigation

  and they all look the same

  and of course

  to cap it all

  it’s a brand new town

  so it’s impossible to get your bearings

  but still

  you want to go

  and buy

  a map

  do you think we’ll maybe open it up

  and find a big red cross where we parked the car

  or perhaps it will have a detailed

  Flora and fauna section

  pointing out that the

  natural habitat of the

  champagne pink diahatsu

  is

  weasily recognised

  through it’s cunning ability to blend in

  with ten thousand other

  champagne pink diahatsus

  thus rendering it

  stoatilly invisible

  or maybe…

  just maybe...

  wait a minute…

  we parked under the stag’s head

  **~top~**

  the g
iraffe and the tattie howker

  What can I say, it all actually happened. Well, maybe not exactly the way it is set out here – but certainly close enough. I discovered very quickly that tall, lanky, skinny people are seriously disadvantaged when it comes to picking (or howking) potatoes. We were picked up by a covered truck at around five in the morning and taken god knows where, well into the country – for one of the most painful days of my life – bent double all day – hands constantly trampled upon – back breaking work – and a heavy dose of resentment towards our team – until I put my hand up and asked the gruff foreman, in my best Dickens manner, if he could please direct me to the wash hand basin – after that we were in – part of the crew – and while I don't think we added much to the labour force, we managed to have a bit of a laugh at ourselves – but never again!

  the giraffe and the tattie howker

  I’ve always thought of giraffes

  as a bit dumb

  those “special creatures”

  of the African plain

  gentle souls

  sporting too tight tee shirts

  with inappropriate slogans

  tucked into

  even tighter brighter sweat pants

  with elasticated waistbands

  nestling neatly under the armpits

  gentle enough

  but not quite the full Einstein

  if you get my meaning

  and come to think of it

  which pocket Einstein

  coined the phrase “Bright Idea”

  when we know for a fact

  that such ideas are always

  ventured by dullards

  and invariably end in

  unmitigated disaster

  I’ve seen plenty of television campaigns

  educating the world

  on the dangers of

  drink driving

  drinking and violence

  even drinking and cooking

  but not once

  never

  have I ever seen or heard a word

  to prepare me against the dangers

  of a drunken flatmate

  with a bright idea

  one is always caught by the unexpected

  I mean

  had one expected that one of the chaps

  would be capable of giving birth

  to an actual idea

  let alone remaining coherent enough to

  express it in its entirety

  then one would have come a bit more prepared

  there should be a law

  against giving alcohol

  to idea virgins

  the very concept of

  spending rent money on alcohol

  whilst attractive

  in a juvenile delinquent kind of way

  was obviously seriously flawed from the outset

  oh yes!

  the red barron would need to get up

  pretty early in the morning

  to score a hit

  with an idea like that

  but just as snoopy was loading up the necessaries

  to shoot this sad attempt down in flames

  no easy task given the hour

  the red barron executed a cunning barrel roll manoeuvre

  and breached defences

  with a totally unexpected follow-up

  the team

  would join his new found friend and owner

  of a tattie howking truck

  at 5 o'clock in the morning

  am, The early one

  for a day of gentle exercise

  at the agreed upon rate of

  ten quid per hour

  arrangements already having been agreed

  over a quick shake

  in the men’s urinal

  the rent

  thereby being replenished

  prior to the arrival

  of gay Ronnie – the landlord

  on Sunday evening

  idea virgins should never be allowed

  to visit public toilets

  they should be fitted with

  compulsory catheter bags at birth

  only allowing them to be

  surgically removed

  after two bone fide ideas

  have been researched and tested

  picture if you will

  those first moments in Bambi

  when the poor little deer

  takes his first steps

  splay legged on the ice

  only this time

  bat those six blue jays for a six

  and replace the snow crusted pond

  with a fly infested field

  of uncouth tattie howking trolls

  add to this a vociferous

  cruella de villa maria

  insanely piloting a viciously loud

  and savagely vicious

  John Deere tractor

  up and down,

  up and down…

  and remember

  the incessantly chattering little rabbit

  Thumper

  well ditch the annoying little bunny

  and replace him with an

  irrepressible little ideas virgin

  who, having consumed an inordinate

  amount of theakstons old peculiar

  the night before

  is still so carried away with the enthusiasm

  of his master plan actually taking flight

  that he totally fails to recognise the

  precariousness

  of the predicament

  I mean

  where is the wash-hand basin?

  I’ve gained a new-found respect for giraffes

  I used to think that those

  spindly little legs at the back

  gave them a sort of ungainly look

  lopsided

  but now I’ve come to realise

  that it’s all part of the grand design

  those silly little legs at the back

  are simply there to stop the giraffe

  from landing face first in the mud

  when he’s tattie howking

  **~top~**

  an intelligent mistake

  I don't know why it took so much courage to tell my mother that I wanted to go to college and not to university. I hated school and wanted to get the whole process of studying over with as fast as possible – little did I know...eh? I seem to have spent weeks trying to find just the right opening to tell her I wanted to leave school early and take a College crash course – if I worked hard I could graduate before I was twenty. Well, the interview didn't go any too smoothly, but she let me do it – and I even managed to equip myself not to badly in the process - with distinction even – this was written as a reminder to myself to always be an accessible parent.

  an intelligent mistake

  ah’m black affronted

  stupefied

  the vera thoucht gies me gip

  cuts tae the quick

  right tae the bone

  ah feel it right here

  in ma chest

  whit oan earth did ye think

  ye were up tae

  did ye think at a’

  were ye led oan

  ah bet it wis thon

  so called pal o’ yourn

  some mate

  a right eejit if ye ask me

  a big lanky streak o nuthin

  jist whit wis ye thinkin

  an how did ye think we wid manage it

  an yer dad wi his arteries an a'

  an me wi three joabs

  no tae mention the bairn

  an never a night at the bingo

  this past year

  ur ye oot o’ yur mind or sumpthin

  is that it

  dae ye actually huv a screw loose

  has somebiddy mibbe

  banged ye oan the heid

  when ye weren’y lookin

  ah canny believe it

  ah really can't

  defies logic so it
does

  so ok

  come oan noo

  ah’m listening

  jist whit exactly dae ye think

  yer gonna dae

  at thon

  college

  **~top~**

  space cadet

  When we were kids, one of the greatest highlights of the year was hogmany – more important than Christmas even – because that's when we would be visited by distant relatives. Many people have heard about the strange Scottish custom of hogmany but few understand the intricacies. An elaborate spread would be laid out on the sideboard (start the year off as you want it to continue) and one of us older kids would be placed on constant guard duty – to stop the younger kids from pinching the goodies on offer – and heaven help you if there was so much as a chocolate biscuit missing before the relatives arrived. We took this duty way too seriously – and being not too long after man first landed on the moon – and having a head filled with Star Trek, Dr Who, Lost in Space... well, you can guess the rest.

  space cadet

  sentry duty

  phasers on stun

  the final frontier

  lieutenant solo

  hans solo

  lone wookie

  final defense against alien invasion

  attack of the sibling - the fat one menace

  they come at you

  when you least expect it

  lightening strikes

  from deep bedroom

  where no man

  has yet been bold enough to go

  built for only one purpose

  total annihilation of the herds of

  chocolate fingers

  gently grazing on the madeira plains

  remember khalel – you’re our only hope

  may the force be with you

  communication announces the imminent arrival

  of ambassadors

  from the planet

  relativo

  travelling on spaceship “vauxhall”

  alien forces let loose

  chaos, carnage and cacophony

  but the space cadet has been expecting this

  training for it

  task force delta successfully wards off the invasion

  successfully managing to

  shake off the klingons

  glory is shortlived

  summoned to the galley

  for catering detail

  yoda smiles as you take over the refuelling station

  remember the energy cubes to be adding

  two per shipment will you

  anxious to get back to the front line

  the cadet realises that it’s too quiet

  way too quiet

  suddenly it all clicks into place

  time slows

  lost in space

  underwater commands

  spewing like last centuries cassette tapes

  too late

  they’ve let loose the dog of war

  k9 a black hole

  a whirlwind of destruction

  sucks up everything in sight

  the space cadet’s

  treacle slow reflexes

  no match for this

  weapon of mass disruption

  the bio-truncheon

  shows no mercy

  in the flailing riot-squad

  attack on the ambassador

  dad vadars fury pervades the very cosmos

  spittle flying like a meteor shower

  the wrath of can’t

  demoted

  disgraced

  dispirited

  loss of face

  confined to quarters

  dereliction of duty

  court-martial imminent

  beam me up scotty!