sometimes you just can’t win
**~top~**
hobbies for advancing age
Another digression. Getting older has a fair few advantages, but it also comes with a price tag. This is pretty much a flight of fancy based on observation and unfortunately, some degree of experience – ouch!
hobbies for advancing age
with advancing decrepitude
we seem to lose all aptitude
for those
defining moments
moments that form the clay
that creates the man
so to speak
in an effort to
ward off the inevitable
we seek to fill the wakings
with a smorgasbord of activities
endeavours that focus the old grey sponge
on the avant garde
the unusual
the novel
well perhaps not the novel
for most, at most a novelette
perhaps a short story
for some merely a chapter
but I digress
at this chapter
when many appear sentenced to
lawn bowls, sudoku or jigsaw puzzles
I find that
I seem to have taken up
involuntary spontaneous buttock applause
which could either be considered
an interesting and unusual hobby
or somewhat of an
affliction
depending on your position
on the matter
or more particularly
your proximity
to the matter
and don't think for a moment
that this is some dreary bagatelle
some mere smattering
some desultory response
to the 14th annual performance of hamlet
by the auchenshoogle
dungeons, dragons and geeks society
no
I'm talking full houses
ticketed
no comps
the london philharmonic
with andre rieu as guest conductor
the albert hall
a golden jubilee performance
three standing ovations
and each and every performance
a complete surprise
to both
audience and orchestra
now,
while this has afforded
untold amusement
in the privacy of my own home
particularly with respect to an
uncanny ability
to provide the “mot juste”
during televised political and social commentary
I will be the first to admit
that involuntary spontaneous buttock applause
is not everyone's
cup of tea
indeed, it can hardly be considered
“de rigueur”
in polite society
it's the spontaneous nature
of the thing
that's the problem
I mean
one never knows
one cannot predict
one cannot forecast
all one can do is to employ
what is commonly referred to nowadays as
coping strategies
to date
my most efficacious strategy
is to be found in the vigorous application
of one's palms
one against the other
to coincide with the
involuntary spontaneous buttock applause
and I do believe
I now have this
down to a fine art
lately I've taken to
adding vocal special effects
mainly whoops and hollers
but I do feel almost confident enough
to employ the odd
bravo or jolly well done
should the occasion warrant it
of course
there's always the
aroma
to be dealt with
but lately I've been quite fortunate
with either sleeping dogs, grandmothers or babies
in the vicinity
I have found that one must
choose one's venues most carefully
as some venues naturally present more
difficulties than others
Aunt Agatha's funeral
being a case in point
it certainly proved to be the most interesting eulogy
I've attended in many a year
uproarious standing ovations
in stereo
at random and
I must admit
inappropriate intervals
seemed to create a good deal of tension
among the gathered
the ensuing battalion
of angry goldfish stares
quite clearly failed to appreciate the
humour of the situation
and I'm afraid the
sheer volume of shusshes
somewhat dented my usual
sang froid
knocked the old aplomb
for a six – so to speak
I believe the funereal atmosphere didn't help
I've always found these
open casket affairs
somewhat overloaded with the stuff
and one's usual good judgment
tends to suffer as a result
I suppose my attestation
that
cadavers sometime smell like that
was inevitable
given the circumstances
but I do feel it
like the
involuntary spontaneous buttock applause
tended to focus the old spotlight
rather to heavily on what could well be considered
the victim in this matter
and now
as I watch my
close knit circle of friends
dissipate
into an
ever-widening circle of
casual acquaintances
it has left me wondering
is this whole thing
this involuntary spontaneous buttock applause
all some kind of
divine retribution
for some past and forgotten misdemeanour
or is it all just
some kind of
grand celestial joke
the product of a warped and twisted mind
which in turn
begs the question
is man really made in his image after all?
**~top~**
ratquiem
Moving to the country has brought us a great deal of enjoyment – we have enormous parties and lots of fun. When there's no parties, there's peace and tranquillity. What we didn't count on however, was the constant need to protect our home from invaders – mice, pigeons, starlings, sparrows... It's been a constant battle and one that takes it's toll – you can have traps, electronic devices to scare them away – even poison – but if a mouse wants to chew something in your roof space or under your floor at 3am then there's precious little you can do about it.
ratquiem
as I lay these bones to rest
I’d like to get this off my chest
y’see I’ve walked this life uncommonly blessed
with she who timidly said yes
of golden hair nightly caressed
now falling out – I do not jest
all thanks to you unwelcome guest
who leaves each surface much distressed
half eaten food strewn east and west
with faeces mixed up in the mess
and nightly chatter to shatter our rest
with no respite – put to the test
patience tried – constant duress
til suddenly, who would have guessed
r /> out of the blue we found success
when you stayed home alone today… compressed!
**~top~**
if I asked you to stay
I've always been a bit of a night owl – usually the last one to bed at the end of an evening. I've occasionally sat up right through the night after a jam session talking to Eric (our record is 7am and we're not proud of it – well....) and that got me to thinking about others who are maybe a bit afraid of going to sleep. Dedicated to those we know suffering from relationship issues – god knows, it's common enough.
if I asked you to stay
if I asked you to stay
and just talk the whole night through
tell me would you
could you
there are shadows in my head tonight
I’d rather not view
they picked up the trail
near a river of thought this morning
been holding my breath
alarms sounding throughout the day
but they slipped through the net
breached my defences with no warning
now it’s panic stations
as we come to the end of day
I’ve fastened the shutters
battened the hatches
locked and bolted my mind
but sooner or later
left alone tonight
I know it’s only a matter of time
I’ve been out on a limb
since I first heard her voice this morning
sentries posted
red alert right through the day
but as the sun goes down
shadows pick on me with no warning
can’t escape the pain
as darkness comes into play
they’re sniffing around
searching for tracks
minefield swept clean away
and if left alone
with a mind on the run
I know I won’t see the light of day
been disguised in the glow
of your meaningless conversation
your witless protection
had the enemy held at bay
but now I feel those shadows
as they creep under cloak of darkness
but I might make it through
if you’d only agree to stay
they’re hot on my trail
no false alarms
roadblocks no use tonight
but if you talk real soft
of cabbages and kings
I might make it through the night
**~top~**
the drummer’s song
I used to do a bit of beat poetry of a Wednesday down at the old Southern Blues Bar (sadly demolished since the earthquake) when Todd and the lads were the house band. Todd would get right into the poetry and before you know it the bass would be flying up and down the mic stand making the weirdest noises... We had a great time performing mainly for Chris on the bar and the (decidedly) odd patron who happened to drift in. Todd's drummer challenged me one night – asking if I could write a poem about anything – taking up the challenge, I asked him to name his anything – he chose a one-winged fly – here's the result.
the drummer’s song
I tried to catch a one-winged fly
flying backwards on a moonlight monday night
but it’s aerial acrobatics
were too much for this paralytic and
that’s when I knew my dear old mother, she was right when she said
son, keep away from the light
you’ll never play the games that others might
you’re destined to be a creature of the night
so son just keep away from the light
a girl in blue told me to walk the line
I believe she moved that line a thousand times
but she let me walk away
after saying I’d made her day
when I claimed that all I’d had was a couple of wines
I was dancing with a box of KFC
wearing most of the colonel’s secret recipe
I should’ve been finger lickin’
but I was feeling pretty sick an’
I realised then my dear old mum knew all about me when she said
son, keep away from the light
you’ll never play the games that others might
you’re destined to be a creature of the night
so son just keep away from the light
I wonder why my eyes are bloodshot red
and the sunbeams pierce the hangover round my bed
last night’s hair of dog solution
just confused my situation
and I’m not sure if I’m still living or if I’m dead
don’t know when I’ll ever be able to stand
my life is over – these things are never planned
but wait, the sun is going down
must be an aspirin around
got to get to work – I’m the drummer in the band
**~top~**
best part of the day
This came about from one of Andy Thompson's polytech writing classes. One of those “bear your soul” homework assignments. I've never been one for hanging out the dirty laundry – it's that whole Celtic thing I suppose – feelings should be repressed, locked up, hidden – but this one worked well enough to eventually see the light on day. No prizes for guessing the inspiration for this one.
best part of the day
the best part of the day
is when I wrap my arms around you
nothing seems so bad
when I’m laying by your side
I creep in late at night
every muscle aching for you
that moment when we touch
fills my tired heart with pride
now I begin to understand
what heaven might be
it’s that moment of first contact
held for eternity
I never say enough
to tell how much I need you
fate was surely smiling
when she made our paths collide
the best part of the day
is when I wrap my arms around you
fate was surely smiling
when she made our paths collide
**~top~**
Thank you
###
I really do hope you have enjoyed this book and take some time to perform them for your friends, as they really only do come to life when performed live.
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