WARNING! Fairy Tales

  “I think what she wanted to say was that they come out when she talks,” said the same helpful soldier.

  “That’s preposterous!” protested the dean of the Royal University. “It would be against all the laws of nature!”

  “I don’t particularly care whether it’s against nature’s laws or not,” said the Prince. “It seems to work anyway.”

  “I have heard,” pointed out the royal astrologer, “that a lot of fairies have been spotted in the woods lately. One turned a boy into a cactus in the western province only three days ago.”

  “Fairy work, eh?” The Prince regarded the beautiful girl with a speculative look in his eyes. “Let’s see how this works. Say something, girl!”

  The beautiful, kind girl, who never would dream of disobeying a royal command, opened her mouth obediently. “What would you like me to say, Your Highmmpf! Agl! Grrmpf! Tmmpf!”

  More jewels and gold hit the earth.

  “Say ‘Long live the King!’” demanded the captain of the guard.

  “Long live the Kikmpflpfrg!”

  Plink!

  Another coin bounced off the Prince’s armor. He hardly noticed, so intent was he on the girl.

  “Say ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers’!” suggested someone else.

  “Peter Pipermpf—“

  Plink!

  “—picked a peckmmpf! Grk!”

  Plink! Plink!

  “…peck of pickled peppempf! Klmp! Krgs!”

  Plink! Plink! Plink!

  Another soldier leaned forward eagerly. “Say ‘Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb’!”

  The girl took a deep breath. “Theophilus Thistle, the succubmpf! Blmp! Hlk! Grgl!”

  Plink! Plonk!

  “… the successful thistle sifter, thrust thrk! Grk! Gagl! Umpf!”

  Ping! Ploink! Ding!

  “…thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumpf! Sumpf! Krrrmglhmp! Pff!”

  Ding! Plink! Ploink! Ding! Dang!

  “Let’s move a few paces back, all right?” the Prince said. “Otherwise, she’ll leave scratches in my armor.”

  They rode a little way away, but kept the girl well within eyesight. With the girl watching nervously, they bent closer to talk quietly.

  “What do you think we should do?” the Prince asked. “We can’t leave her here!”

  “Of course not! A heavenly beauty like her? Unthinkable!” exclaimed the Prince’s seneschal, who was an incurable romantic. “You should take her back to your palace, of course! Ask her for her hand, and marry her as soon as you can!”

  “What?”

  “Of course, Your Highness! This meeting was fated, sire! Take her for your bride!”

  “And be pelted with precious pebbles every time I want to have a conversation with my wife?” the Prince asked, raising a royal eyebrow. “No, thank you!”

  It so happened that the Prince’s minister of finance was also present. He, unlike the seneschal, was not a romantic. Not at all. So far, he had remained silent, but now he judged the time right to speak.

  “You should take her back to your palace,” he said. “Only, once there, do not, I beg of you, marry her. Rather, lock her in the deepest dungeon you can find and make her talk. And by talk, I mean talk and talk and talk and talk.” He gave a thin-lipped smile. “If we keep her at it long enough, the generated revenue should be more than enough to eliminate our kingdom’s primary deficit.”

  “Wise advice,” the Prince decided, nodded to his guards, and gestured at the girl. “Seize her!”

  Immediately, the guards fell upon the poor girl, who tried to pull herself free and call for help. “No, please! Helpffft! Grg! Pfmp!”

  For obvious reasons, her attempts at calling for help were not very successful.

  “Splendid!” the minister of finance cried out as more jewels littered the ground. “Simply splendid!” And when he saw that one guard wanted to gag the girl, he hissed, “Don’t you dare! Do you know what damage that could do to our annual budget? Let her scream as much as she wants!”

  “Yes, sir! Of course, sir!” Nervously, the guard stepped back from the girl.

  But the minister of finance had already stopped paying attention to him. His eyes had taken on a distant gleam, like the eyes of a man who sees the Promised Land for the first time. “Dear Lord, I can’t even begin to imagine the possibilities! With her, who knows, we might even be able to close the fiscal gap—to eradicate national debt! Where is my abacus? I have to calculate this! How many diamonds per minute do you think she can spout? How many carats are they?”

  While the minister prattled on, the guards bound the girl securely and slung her over one of the pack horses. A sack was put over her head, so, whenever she screamed, the precious jewels and gold and pearls wouldn’t fall on the ground and be lost. By the time they found their way back to the palace, they had filled three sacks full of treasure.

  Inside the royal stronghold, the girl was conducted into the deepest, darkest dungeon of all, where she was securely locked in. Then, the Prince immediately called for a royal herald.

  “Fetch me Professor Wiebrand Van Briggenstadt!” he commanded.

  “At once, Your Majesty!” the herald said, bowed, and hurried away.

  Not long after, he returned, a rail-thin, sinister figure with a yellowish face and gleaming silver boots in tow. The new arrival bowed subserviently.

  “At your service, Your Royal Highness.”

  “You are Professor Wiebrand Van Briggenstadt?”

  “Indeed I am, Your Royal Highness.”

  “The Professor Wiebrand Van Briggenstadt? The most wicked and sadistic schoolteacher in all of my enchanted kingdom?”

  The sallow-faced man smiled. “I see my reputation precedes me.”

  “If I were to give you a new pupil for private lessons, Professor, what would you say?”

  “I would say I would be honored to serve Your Royal Highness in any way Your Royal Highness might desire. And I would say that this pupil of yours will learn quickly and efficiently.”

  “Oh,” said the Prince with a dismissive wave of his hand, “she doesn’t have to actually learn anything. She just has to talk. A lot.”

  And thus, the wicked school teacher was equipped with chalk, books, pens, paper, and all other instruments of torture and was conducted into the dungeon, where he forced the poor, unfortunate girl to recite Shakespeare’s sonnets twelve hours a day.

  *********

  The fairy was lying in ambush behind a bush when the younger sister arrived at the well. The moment the girl had filled her pitcher with water, she stepped out and strode towards her.

  “Child,” she exclaimed, “will you give me a drink from your pitcher of water? For I am a feeble old woman, and do not have the strength to turn the handle of the well.”

  The girl looked at the new arrival critically.

  “You’re not an old woman,” she pointed out. “You’re a strong, young knight. You might even be rather handsome if you’d take that ridiculous feather cap off.”

  “Drat! I forgot!” The fairy snapped her fingers and, with a puff of smoke, turned herself into her former form. “Now I am a feeble old woman. Will you give me a drink from your pitcher of water?”

  “I most certainly will not! Turn yourself into a frog and jump into the well if you want water so badly!”

  “That is very rude! Children should respect their elders.”

  “I’m not a child! And I don’t have respect for anyone who lays a finger on my sister!” The younger sister’s eyes blazed. “You’re her! You’re that nasty old witch who bewitched my sister!”

  “Most certainly not!” The old woman huffed. “I am a fairy, not a witch! Witches wear those ridiculous, pointy hats and ride around on broomsticks! I, on the other hand, have a sparkly wand with a golden star at the end. Here, see?” And she pulled out her wand proudly.

  “Yo
u can take your wand and stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine!” yelled the girl. “Take back what you did to my sister!”

  “Why should I?” the fairy demanded. “I gave her the most marvelous gift!”

  “You ruined her life, you self-righteous witch!”

  “Fairy! Fairy, not witch!”

  “Undo what you did to her, or I’ll…I’ll…”

  “Or you’ll what?” The fairy smirked. “What could a little girl like you possibly do to a mighty member of the Seelie Court such as myself?”

  In answer, the girl emptied the pitcher of water over the fairy and smashed the container on her head.

  The fairy’s enchantments dissolved like butter in the sunlight, and she stood in front of the girl in her natural appearance: a small, curvy woman of exquisite beauty in a sodden dress, with a lump growing on her head.

  “You…you little…! Do you have any idea how long it takes to get water stains out of magic fairy garments? You’ll pay for that!” The fairy raised her wand. “For thy wickedness, I curse thee! Henceforth, whenever you take a drink of water, you shall breathe fire afterwards!”

  “Oh, really?” the little girl said and took a gulp of water from the bucket of the well. “Like this, you mean? Ridiculous! Nothing like that could ever happerrrrrrooooaaaaarrrrr…!”

  Flickering orange-golden light illuminated the little clearing. The girl shut her mouth again and stood there, watching transfixed while the fairy danced around and tried to put out the flames on her dress. If it hadn’t been so wet, she would have been roasted like a dragon’s breakfast.

  “Now look what you did!” the fairy howled. “You deserve this curse, you wicked, wicked child! May you live miserably ever after! Or better yet, die a gruesome death!”

  And, with that, she vanished in a sparkling cloud of fairy dust.

  “Good riddance to bad rubbish!” said the little girl and went off home. There, her mother was waiting for her in front of the house.

  The little girl looked around. “Where’s my sister?”

  “Who? Oh, that nasty little rat! Don’t call her your sister! She’s only your stepsister. Don’t you have any proper pride?”

  The girl put her hands on her hips. “Where is she?”

  “Oh, I saw the king’s men take her to the castle in chains.”

  “What?”

  “We’re well rid of her. At least in the castle, she’ll be put to proper work and will have to do something for the good of the kingdom. Now, child, start spouting gold and jewels, will you? I would like to buy new dresses for us for the dance in town tonight, and we need money.”

  “Certainly,” the daughter said. “I’ll start spouting jewels right away. Only, could I have a glass of water first, please?”

  Several eventful minutes later, the girl was striding down the big forest road towards the Royal Palace. At her waist bounced a flask of water. Behind her, a thick cloud of smoke rose above the forest.

  Not long after, the girl, who didn’t have a hangover and knew her way perfectly well, reached the Royal Palace. The guard at the oaken gates stood upright when he saw the lone figure approaching and lowered his lance to bar her way.

  “Halt!” he called. “Who goes there?”

  The girl smiled, took a sip from her flask, and opened her mouth to answer.

  It is really surprising, considering that most castles are made of solid stone, how many things in them can burn. Doors, tapestries, chairs, tables, carpets, humans…the list is endless. That day, many new items were added to the list. Smoke soon billowed out of the windows of the Royal Palace, and the screams of terrified guards echoed across the valley. Some of them jumped out of the windows straight into the moat.

  “Sister! Sister, where are you?”

  The little girl hurried along a slimy, gloomy corridor deep down in the dungeons. As she went, she pressed her ear against every door, but she either heard only silence or the scuttling of rats. Finally, at the very end of the corridor, in the deepest, darkest corner of the entire dungeon, she found a door from behind which she heard noises.

  Quickly, she pressed her ears against it and listened.

  “Say it!” she heard a nasty screech that somehow reminded her of her most hated school teacher, that nasty old cockroach Professor Van Briggenstadt. “Say it, or do you want to feel my wrath?”

  “Sister?” she yelled. “Sister? Are you in there?”

  The answering moan she heard was all she needed. Stepping back, she took a gulp of water from her flask.

  “Stand back!” she shouted. “I’m going torawwwwwwrrrrrrr!”

  When the flames had died down and the little sister had stopped coughing from the smoke, she made her way through the smoking hole that had formerly been the dungeon door into the cell. Right behind the dungeon door, she nearly fell over a pair of polished silver boots that looked like they belonged to an incredibly wicked person. They were smoking.

  “Sister! Sister, where are you?”

  No answer. Desperately, the little girl tried to look around, but it was too dark to see far past the entrance.

  Quickly, she spat out a little flame to light a torch on the wall. Light filled the dungeon, and she saw her sister lying prone on the flagstones in a corner of the dungeon, her wrists shackled to the wall.

  “Sister! Oh my God, sister, are you all right?”

  She hurried to the beautiful stepdaughter’s side. The shackled girl, however, did not open her eyes. She was terribly weak and seemed half unconscious.

  “Say something! Please, for God’s sake, say something!” the younger girl demanded, shaking her sister.

  Leaning closer, it seemed to her, as if she heard a faint whisper from the shackled girl, but she couldn’t be sure. So she leaned forward, until her ear was only inches from her sister’s mouth and listened intently.

  “Shall I…” the girl coughed, then found her voice again: “Shall I…compare thee…to a summer’s day? Thou art…more lovely…and more temperate!”

  And a few very small, exhausted jewels plopped out of her mouth.

  *********

  The metal which chains are made of does not burn. However, as the little sister soon discovered, it melts excellently.

  “Are we going to go now?” the beautiful sister asked, clutching at her sibling’s arm.

  “Hell, no!” Grimly, the younger sister shook her head. “We’ve got some scores to settle!”

  And she led her older sister up, high up, into the highest level of the castle, where the Prince, his father, and all of his ministers lived. When they reached the throne room, the doors swung open and the King and his son stepped out. Having heard the uproar below and believing an enemy army to have attacked the castle, they were in full battle-armor and rather surprised to see two young girls instead of hordes of bloodthirsty barbarians.

  “What is the meaning of this?” demanded the King.

  “Excuse me, Your Majesty,” said the younger sister, stepping forward and curtsying. “I’d just like to ask: did you know about your son locking this girl here,” she pointed to her sister, “in the dungeon and subjecting her to inhuman torture?”

  “Certainly!” the King huffed. “It was for the good of the kingdom.”

  “Ah.” The little girl nodded. “Just checking.”

  And, unscrewing her flask, she took a gulp of water.

  *********

  That day, the government of the enchanted kingdom was substantially restructured. Several of the cabinet ministers, including the minister of finance, were fired in a rather permanent and literal way. The seneschal was allowed to stay, to explain to the people about how they didn’t have a prince anymore, or a king for that matter, but two princesses who would rule over the enchanted kingdom from now on.

  At first, the people were inclined to rebel, not being used to being ruled by girls instead of kings. But then, one of the princesses—the sister who had been imprisoned—stepped onto the royal balcony and held a speech. A very, very long sp
eech. Never in the history of the kingdom had a speech been greeted with so much enthusiasm. True, nobody actually listened to it, but that didn’t really matter. People were too busy picking up jewels and gold coins from the cobblestones.

  The two sisters split the weightiest responsibilities of government between them: the older sister became responsible for finance and miraculously paid off all the kingdom’s debts within three days. The younger sister became responsible for the defense of the kingdom. Her first official act as princess was to sack the army and buy a big tank of water.

  Under the rule of the two princesses, the enchanted kingdom prospered, and the two sisters soon became its most popular rulers ever. The younger was called Firebreath, the protector of the people, and everyone bowed to her when she passed. The older was called Golden Girl, the fair treasure, and everybody listened when she spoke. Her weekly speeches in parliament attracted more listeners than the speeches of all the politicians in the last hundred years put together.

  True, they still had difficulties communicating—one whenever she opened her mouth, and the other whenever she had drunk a glass of water. But as luck would have it, two handsome princes visited the enchanted kingdom not long after the sisters’ glorious victory over the wicked king and his son.

  Each of the sisters fell in love with one of the princes. Imagine their despair when they could not tell of their feelings without spitting gold or incinerating their beloved! True, the younger sister could simply have refrained from drinking for a while, but as soon as she opened her mouth to say the three all-important words to her Prince, her mouth suddenly felt terribly dry for some reason, and she had to run off for a glass of water.

  And the most terrible thing was: the princes did not say anything either! They smiled at the sisters, and danced with them, and looked deep into their eyes, but were they in love? They never said. In fact, they never said a single word at all! It was maddening!

  “Tell me,” the younger sister demanded one day of her prince’s squire. “Why does your master never say a word? Does he mean to insult me and my sister?”

  “Your Highness does not know?” the squire asked, his eyes widening. “Oh, I am so very sorry! No insult was intended! My master and his brother cannot talk. They are deaf-mute, and can only understand sign language.”