What a Boy Wants

Page 21

  Author: Nyrae Dawn

  Jaden, who I wanted to pop upside the head half the time, but who was always down for anything and when push came to shove, he was really like a brother to me. He was much more than just a friend. I hated having him mad at me.

  Pris with her attitude and sharp tongue, but who I would do anything for. And Aspen. Man, I missed her. Not just the kissing and touching that I’d gotten pretty hooked on last weekend, but her. Her tornado of smiles, snark, and sweetness.

  I was no longer whipped, I’d turned into a sappy punk, because all this had me so emo I feared someone might need to step in with an intervention.

  Except there was no one to step in, because I’d pissed them all off.

  Bored, I pulled my laptop off my bed and into my lap. Knowing there wouldn’t be anything there—well at least not from the person I wanted to contact me—I logged into my Hook-up Doctor account. My pulse spiked when it said I had one new message, but plummeted just as quickly when I realized it wasn’t from PA Rocks. What did that name mean anyway? I let myself wonder why she picked it while clicking on the new email. It was probably a new client, but I couldn’t even find it in myself to care. What was the point?

  Without viewing the message I closed down my email when I heard a soft rapping on my door. “Yeah. ” It had to be Mom, because she was the only person still talking to me. “Hey, Ma,” I said to her as she slipped inside.

  “Hey, kiddo. How ya doing?” She sat on my bed next to me. I shrugged, wondering how she knew anything was wrong. I definitely hadn’t told her. “You seem down. Is everything okay with you? I haven’t seen the gang around lately. ”

  I groaned, really annoyed with the whole mom sixth sense thing. Of course, I’d hardly left my house for two days, which had to tell her something. Oh, and did I mentioned I lost my job, too? Well, I guess lost isn’t the right word since I’d just stopped showing up. “Its fine, Ma. Everyone’s just busy. ” I stood up and slipped my shoes on. I so wasn’t in the mood to do this. “I think I’m going to go for a ride. ” Picking up my skateboard, I headed for my bedroom door.

  “Bastian?” she called after me.

  “Yeah. ”

  “You know you can talk to me, right?” Mom was still sitting on my bed, looking like she hoped I would come back. But I didn’t. Part of me wanted to, but I couldn’t. I ran a hand through my hair, talking to her as I walked out.

  “Nothing to talk about, Ma. I’ll see you soon. ” With that I was gone.

  I ended up back at the park. It was one of the only places close enough for me to walk or ride to. I took a few trips around, jumped a few ramps, but being as I had turned into Mr. Emo, I decided to sulk around the park instead. By now, I knew I’d screwed up. I’d pretty much taken ownership of the shit I was in, but there was that part of me, too, that felt betrayed. They’d all turned their backs on me, like it was all my fault. I couldn’t understand why Jaden, Pris and Aspen had to make such a big deal out of all of this.

  Weaving my way through the park, my feet rooted to the ground like the trees beside me when I saw them. Aspen and Mattie. Then, like the stalker I was becoming, I ducked behind one of those trees, putting my Bond skills to use.

  A buzzing zapped through my body, echoing in my ears and pushing the blood through my veins with the force of a river’s rapids. Man she was gorgeous, wearing a fitting pair of blue jeans that hugged her body, a pink shirt and her hair in a simple pony tail that I used to want to pull just to annoy her. Now, I wanted to run my fingers through it because the soft strands felt so much better when I buried my hand in them rather than trying to make her mad.

  I was still mad at her, but it felt different when I could see her than when I couldn’t. Watching her took some of that anger away. God, I am lame.

  She shook her head at Mattie, crossing her arms over her chest. Oh, I knew that look! Her eyes were squinty, her body straight. “Ha, ha, Mattie. How does it feel to have her mad at you?” I whispered.

  This time he shook his head as he said something to her. I couldn’t hear them, but knew I needed to say a prayer for my awesome eyesight because I could see them so well. Aspen’s arms flew in the air like she was at a loss as she said something. Mattie replied and she definitely didn’t like it. I felt butterflies—yeah, I said it—butterflies in my stomach, half of me happy they were fighting, but the other half, the one that kept pushing over and covering up the happy part, felt guilty. I hated the guy, but if she liked him, well, I didn’t want her to hurt, either. Better me than her, right? At least until I found the proof that he was a douche.

  Mattie reached out for her. Something inside me flared when she backed away. If she didn’t want to be touched, the jerk better keep his hands off her. He stepped closer and she took a step back, giving her head another shake. As I walked around the tree, no longer willing to hide in the corner in case she needed me, Mattie did us both a favor and walked away.

  The opposite direction.

  Score.

  Because I had to see how she was doing. Her shoulders were hunched over and she looked… defeated. I hated seeing her that way. It killed me that he could cause her pain. That had to mean she really cared about him, right?

  Taking a deep breath, I pushed those feelings aside, and trudged over to her. “Woodstock?”

  Her head snapped up, tree-green eyes meeting mine. We held each other there, our sight grasping one another as tightly as my arms held her last weekend. It was in that moment, with all that pain swirling around in her eyes, the feel of her gaze as it wrapped around me that I wanted to tell her. It didn’t matter that we wouldn’t last. That love always fell apart and someone got hurt. I didn’t care that she had feelings for Mattie, because I loved her, and that was supposed to be enough, right? You hear that all the time, love conquers all, but I’d never seen it, so I kept my mouth shut.

  If she looked like that because of Mattie, then how I felt about her didn’t matter. But making her feel better still did. “Are you okay? Need me to mess someone up for you? You know, my ninja skills and all. ” I tried for a joke, hoping that a flash of who we’d been would help us get there again.

  If anything, it made things worse. The pain on her face multiplied and if I saw what I thought I did, a flash of anger sparked, too. “Ha. I doubt you could kick the butt of the person who made me feel like this. ”

  That little dent in my pride smashed in completely and it shattered. Not only did she like Mattie, she thought I couldn’t take him? “Whatever. I was just trying to help. I should beat his ass just to prove a point though. ”

  “I’d like to see you try that one,” she snapped back. Her eyes started getting watery and I was trapped between telling her off for taking his side and trying to kiss those tears away.

  “I’m just trying to help. I can see I’m not needed though. ” I leaned against a tree, trying to look like I didn’t really care. “Lover’s fight?” Her chin started to shake and I felt that vibration inside me. I stepped toward her, ready to throw all my anger out the window if it made her feel better. It was like a need I felt inside me, pushing me to do whatever I could for her. “Baby, don’t—”

  She held up her hand, cutting off my “cry”. “Don’t call me that. I don’t think your little girlfriend would appreciate it. Don’t try to be smooth with me. You forget, I know your tricks. You’re The Hook-up Doctor. You know all the best lines. All the right games to play, don’t you? I’m done. You can take all your skills, Mr. Know-It-All and use them on someone else!”

  Her tears were falling faster. Each and every drop, every word hitting me like the punch in the gut I deserved. Aspen’s chest heaved in and out, when mine felt like it caved in. “I’m sorry. ” My voice cracked and this time, it was me who walked away. I wasn’t Mr. Know-It-All. I obviously didn’t know jack and it was time to ask for help.

  ***

  I slammed my front door behind me, running into the bright living
room. Mom sat on our beige couch, watching something soap opera or something on TV. I was too upset to even give her a hard time about it. “Ma!” I huffed, breathing like I’d run a marathon, which I practically had.

  She jumped to her feet, worry creasing her brow. “What’s wrong?”

  I could hardly catch my breath enough to talk, but I knew I had to get this out. “I screwed up. Everything’s so messed up and I don’t know what to do. ”

  She pulled me to her, burying my face in her neck and stroking my hair. The light “shhh” whispering from her mouth like only a mom can do. Now, if anyone ever asked me, I would not admit to this moment. How much I needed my mom and trusted her, even though I had a feeling, when it came to love, she was just as confused as I was. But we always had each other. It was always her and me, and I trusted her.

  “What’s wrong, kiddo?”

  With that, I pulled away from her. Yeah, I needed her, but I wasn’t going to cry. I’d never let myself live that one down and if she kept up with that “stroke and shush” thing, that’s exactly what would have happened. Looking at my mom, I uttered the words I never thought I’d say to her. The words I dreaded hearing her say about another guy. “Ma, I’m in love. ”

  This big, goofy smile spread across her face. “Aspen?” she asked, surprising me with her knowledge, but then I remember she knew everything. Half the time I thought I was getting away with stuff, I wasn’t. That was just Mom. We worked like that. She could read me and I could read her. I was pretty lucky to have her.

  “Aspen. ” I confirmed. If it was possible, her smile grew. “You’re probably not going to be smiling when I tell you what happened. ”

  “Oh, Bastian. What did you do?”

  I walked over and fell onto the couch. “I think the better question is what didn’t I do? You might want to sit down for this. ”

  Chapter Sixteen

  So, I spit it all out for her. Mom sat beside me quietly as I gave her the whole story. How I’d been getting money for hooking people up. That I started realizing I had feelings for Aspen, to finding out she was actually PA and deciding to go for it. While I was being honest, I even told her the truth about the weekend. There had been some serious head shakage going on when I admitted to going to the coast with Aspen, Pris and Jaden, but she still didn’t speak up until I finished.

  Mom did smile when I told her I really loved Aspen. That, cheesy as it sounded, I’d been the happiest I ever remembered being when we spent the weekend together. Of course, I took a few liberties and kept the whole bed sharing and making out on the beach that night a secret. Mom definitely didn’t need details like that and if I did come out of this with Aspen on my side, I’m sure she’d be pretty embarrassed if Mom knew.

  After that, my gut clinched as I told her I broke up with her. How I thought she was better off without me, because love always left people broken-hearted anyway. My stomach felt like I would hurl when I admitted to being jealous over Mattie and using Crystal to make her jealous. “So they all pretty much hope I die a fiery death. They want nothing to do with me. ” I fell back against the couch waiting for her to hand it to me too.

  Silence.

  I started to feel a little itchy waiting for her to talk. The quiet rubbed me the wrong way. Yelling I could deal with, but I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. “Say something, Ma. ”

  When she let out a breath, it was shaky. I knew that sound. It was more than disappointment. She was hurt. “I’ve really messed things up for us, haven’t I, Bastian?”

  My body lurched forward so I was sitting up again. “What? No. Believe me. This is anything but your fault. I did all of this myself. ” When the words came out of my mouth, I knew they were true. I’d tried to push some of the blame on Mattie, Aspen, Jaden and anyone else I could, but it had really been me.