The Snapper

  —We’d feed the bits of him to the dog, wha’.

  —Yeah.

  —You’re not goin’ back so.

  It was sort of a question.

  —No.

  —Good.

  —I’d like to go back just—An’ walk ou’ properly, yeh know?

  —I do, yeah.—The lady o’ leisure, wha’.

  —Yeah.

  —Wish I was.

  —Ah fuck this, said Jimmy Sr.

  He let go of the lawn-mower. He looked at his palms. He was sure he’d ripped the skin off them. But, no, it was still there, and bit redder but alright. That meant he’d have to keep going.

  —Fuck it, he said.

  Jimmy Sr was cutting the grass, the front. Last night Bimbo had called Jimmy Sr’s house Vietnam because of the state of the front garden. Jimmy Sr had laughed. But when Bimbo told him that everyone called it that Jimmy Sr’d said, Enough; fuck it, he’d cut the grass tomorrow, the cunts.

  —Give us a lend o’ your lawn-mower, Bimbo, he’d said.

  —No way, Bimbo’d said.

  —Ah go on, he’d said,—for fuck sake. I’ll give it back to yeh this time.

  —Okay, Bimbo’d said.

  —Good man, he’d said.

  So here he was trying to cut the grass. In November.

  —Fuck Bimbo, he said to himself.

  The grass was too long for the mower. And it was damp, so the mower kept skidding. He’d have to get the shears to it first. Bimbo’d insisted that he take the shears as well when he’d called for the mower. That was why he said Fuck Bimbo.

  He’d have to get down on his hunkers now. But it had to be done.

  He was a changed man, a new man. That trouble a while back with Sharon had given him an awful fright and, more important, it had made him feel like a right useless oul’ bollix. He’d done a lot of thinking since then. And a lot of reading, and looking at pictures. Those little foetuses all curled up—with their fingers, and the lot.

  There was more to life than drinking pints with your mates. There was Veronica, his wife, and his children. Some of his own sperms had gone into making them so, fuck it, he was responsible for them. But, my Jaysis, he’d made one poxy job of it so far. Bimbo’d said he was being too hard on himself; his kids were grand, but Jimmy Sr’d said that that was just good luck and Veronica because he’d had nothing to do with it. But from now on it was going to be different. Darren and Linda and Tracy, and even Leslie, were still young enough, and then there’d be Sharon’s little snapper as well. A strong active man in the house, a father figure, would be vital for Sharon’s snapper.

  —Vital, Bimbo. Vital.

  —Oh God, yes, Bimbo’d agreed.

  So cutting the grass was important. The new short grass would be a sort of announcement: there’s a new man living in this house, so fuck off and mind your own business.

  Jimmy Sr looked at the garden. For a small garden it grew a terrible lot of grass. The Corporation should have cut it; he’d always said it. But they were useless.

  It was up to him.

  He chose a spot to put his knees. It looked soft.

  There was a problem but. Any minute now Darren would come flying around the corner, down the road and past the house and he’d be expecting Jimmy Sr to shout out how long the lap had taken him. Because, as well as cutting the grass, Jimmy Sr was training the Barrytown Wheelies Under 14 squad; Darren and three of his pals. They had a team time trial at the weekend and Darren had said that they’d have to be ready and Jimmy Sr agreed with him. So he had them doing laps of the estate, and he was pretending to time them. He was only pretending because he couldn’t get the hang of the stop-watch Bertie’d got him. He couldn’t admit this to the team because it would’ve been bad for morale. The last thing a new, breakaway, very keen team needed to know was that their manager couldn’t operate the stop-watch.

  He’d wait till they cycled past, then he’d do a few minutes shearing and he’d be waiting for them when they came around again.

  He leaned on the wall and held the stop-watch ready. It looked like an easy enough yoke to use. He was sure it was. He’d bring it up to the Hikers and see if one of the lads could figure it out.

  —How’s it goin’, Mister Rabbitte?

  Jimmy Sr looked. It was one of Jimmy Jr’s pals, Mickah Wallace.

  —Howyeh, Mick, said Jimmy Sr.—He’s upstairs doin’ his DJin’. Or shavin’ his legs or somethin’. No fear of him givin’ me a hand here an’ annyway, that’s for fuckin’ certain.

  —Wha’; holdin’ the wall up?

  —Wha’—No. No; I’m cuttin’ the grass. Hang on, here they come.

  Darren was first. He came out of Chestnut Drive onto Chestnut Avenue. He was slowing but he still had to go up on the far path to get a wide enough angle to turn. Then he was through two parked cars, back onto the road and across to the proper side and towards Jimmy Sr and Mickah, picking up speed again. Two more followed Darren across the road, onto the path. One of them got too close to the wall and must have scraped his knee. The last lad was on an ordinary bike, the poor little sap. No gears or nothing. Jimmy Sr would’ve loved to have got him a proper bike, if he’d had the money. But he didn’t have it. And anyway, he was the manager. He had to be ruthless. If he didn’t have gears he’d just have to pedal faster. He was part of a team.

  Darren raced past him. Jimmy Sr stared at the stop-watch. He pressed one of the black twirly knobs at the top.

  He roared.

  —Thirteen seconds faster! Good man, Darren!

  But Darren was gone.

  —Thirteen seconds up, lads! Good lads!

  Mickah admired their yellow jerseys. They had The Hiker’s Rest—Pub Grub printed across the backs.

  The last one, Eric Rickard, was suffering.

  —Come on, Paddy Last, Jimmy Sr roared as Eric came up to them.—Catch up with him. Come on.

  His face was white. His legs weren’t really long enough for the bike. He had to shift from side to side as he pedalled. The bollix must’ve been torn off him.

  But he was pedalling away like bejaysis.

  —Good lad, good man, good man.—Poor little fucker.

  Mickah was laughing. He’d enjoyed all that.

  —The hurlin’ helmets look deadly, he said.

  —Yeah, said Jimmy Sr.—Your man, the Hikers’ manager, bought them for us as well. One for me even as well.

  —Fair play. Jimmy’s inside an’ anyway?

  —Yeah. Spinnin’ the discs.

  Jimmy Sr looked down at the grass.

  —Fuckin’ hell.

  He was bending his knees experimentally.

  —Wish I was younger.

  Mickah was still there.

  —A good bit younger, said Mickah.

  —Fuck off, you, said Jimmy Sr.—He’s up in his room. Go on ahead in.

  Jimmy Sr got down on his knees.

  —Oh, bollix to it.

  Mickah stood there with his hands in his pockets, his head tilted a bit to one side.

  —Wha’? said Jimmy Sr.

  —Just lookin’.

  —Are you actin’ the prick?

  —No! No; it’s just I’ve never seen yeh doin’ annythin’ before, yeh know. Can I watch?

  —Fuck off ou’ o’ tha’. It’s hard enough without havin’ bollixes like you gawkin’ at—

  —Watch ou’!

  Darren was coming.

  Jimmy Sr got up and ran to the wall.

  —Seven seconds down, Darren! Seven seconds! Come on now.—Come on, lads; yis’re laggin’ behind. Nine seconds down. Come on now. Good lads. One last drive. Come on.

  There was no sign of Eric. Jimmy Sr turned back to Mickah.

  —Tha’ was close.

  Mickah ran around Jimmy Sr and ducked in behind the wall. Jimmy Sr looked around, and saw George Burgess coming down his path to the gate.

  Then Mickah started singing.

  —OH—TIE A YELLOW RIBBON—

  ROUND THE OLD OAK TRE
E—

  George looked over at Jimmy Sr.

  —Don’t look at me, Burgess!

  —IT’S BEEN THREE LONG YEARS—

  DO YEH STILL WANT ME—

  DA RAH DA RAH—

  Jimmy Sr held up the shears.

  —Yeh know wha’ I’d like to do with these, Burgess, don’t yeh?

  —Go on, Mister Rabbitte, said Mickah, still crouched behind the wall.—Have him ou’. Go on. I’ll back yeh up.

  Eric cycled by.

  —Good man, Eric! Good man, son. One more now, one more, then we’ll call it a day. Good lad.—Hope he doesn’t die on us.

  George kept walking. He didn’t look back. Mickah stood up. They both looked at George walking down Chestnut Avenue.

  —You SHOULD knock the shite ou’ of him though, Mickah told Jimmy Sr.

  —Why? said Jimmy Sr.—He didn’t do annythin’ to me.

  Mickah thought about this. He studied Jimmy Sr carefully.

  —Maybe he didn’t, he said.—But yeh should still give him a hidin’.

  —Why?

  —Cos you’d beat him.

  Jimmy Sr got down on his knees at the edge of the grass.

  —That’s why I couldn’t be bothered, he said.—Jaysis, look it!

  —Wha’?

  Jimmy Sr held up a well mauled and weathered ten pound note.

  —Nice one, said Mickah.

  —It was in the grass, said Jimmy Sr.—Just there. That’s gas.

  He stood up.

  —What’re yeh goin’ to do with it? Mickah asked him.

  —Well, said Jimmy Sr.—I’m goin’ to give five of it to Leslie. After he’s cut this fuckin’ grass.

  —Good thinkin’, said Mickah.

  —An’ maybe a nice set o’ handlebars for poor Eric.

  —Ah, said Mickah.—Nice one.

  Sharon got Linda to open the window a bit before she went down for her breakfast. Now she was alone in the bedroom. She sat up against all the pillows, and listened. The room was at the back of the house but she could still hear enough. She’d heard about five cars starting, including her daddy’s —it always coughed before it got going. She could hear kids shouting, going into the school. She heard a front door slamming, and back ones—the sound was different. But best of all was the clicking of heels. That meant girls dashing to work, and she wasn’t one of them.

  It was brilliant. She’d been doing this every morning since she’d given up work.

  She didn’t care much about the money. The pay had been useless anyway. She’d be getting her allowance after the baby was born and her daddy was going to give her some money every week, once he’d sorted it out with her mammy. She’d only have to stay in the house a bit more often and she’d be doing that anyway because of the baby. So it was great.

  Her back wasn’t hurting her that much. The baby’s head had settled and sometimes it felt like she wasn’t pregnant any more. But never for long. She was dry and clean. She was nice and tired. She wanted to go to the toilet but not enough yet to get up. She was going to read a bit of her book, Lace II—it was a bit thick but she liked it and she liked being able to get through the pages fast. Then she’d go down and have her breakfast. She’d see if she could get her mammy to come out for a walk or something. She’d watch a bit of telly as well; there’d be videos on Sky and Super.

  She couldn’t make her mind up about the name. Fiona or Lorraine; she liked them. Mark, if it was a boy. Or maybe James. Her daddy would love that. But then he might take over the baby, the way he was these days. And there’d be three Jimmys in the house. She didn’t know.

  It had gone quiet outside. There were no cars. Everyone was gone.

  Her belly button was like a real button now; inside out. She didn’t like it that way. It felt dangerous.

  She heard something; someone was running and wheezing, and the steps weren’t very fast. The wheezing must have been really bad if she could hear it from the back of the house. And now it was raining again. She hoped it was Mister Burgess out there. Not really though.

  It was nice.

  But she still couldn’t stop worrying. It could happen any time. She was having these—painless contractions the book called them—all the time, now and again, but they weren’t really painless at all because they made her really nervous because the next one might be painful, and she waited and waited for the next one until she ached.

  She got up. She wanted to be in the kitchen.

  —Oh Jesus! said Sharon.

  —What’s wrong? said Jimmy Sr.

  He jumped up off the couch.

  —Is it comin’, is it?

  —No, said Sharon.

  She shifted, to get the cushions behind her again.

  -Sorry. I was just fallin’ asleep an’ I didn’t know it, em —Sorry.

  Jimmy Sr looked disappointed. He sat down, but he was ready to get up again.

  —Yeh can’t be too careful abou’ this sort o’ thing, he said.

  Veronica climbed out of the armchair and stood up.

  —We don’t want you bursting your waters all over the furniture, isn’t that right, Jimmy dear? They’re new covers.

  She went out, into the kitchen.

  Jimmy Sr sat there, appalled. That was the dirtiest, foulest thing he’d heard in his life. And his wife had said it!

  Sharon was laughing.

  —Jaysis, Sharon, I’m sorry, said Jimmy Sr.—Tha’ was a terrible thing for Veronica to say. Terrible.

  —Ah, stop it, said Sharon.—She was only jokin.

  —No, no, said Jimmy Sr.—There’s jokin’ an’ jokin’ but tha’ was no fuckin’ joke. I’m just glad the twins weren’t here to hear it.

  —Ah Daddy!

  —No, Sharon, Jimmy Sr insisted.—This is no laughin’ matter.

  He pointed at Sharon’s belly.

  —Do yeh not realize tha’ there’s a livin’ bein’ in there? he said.—A livin’—thing.

  —Ah, feck off, Daddy. Cop on.

  —Don’t start tha’ raisin’ your eyes to heaven shite with me. An’ don’t start chewin’ tha’ fuckin’ celery when I’m talkin’ to yeh.

  Sharon tapped Jimmy Sr on the head with her celery.

  —Yes, Daddy.

  She gulped.

  —The livin’ bein’ in here is givin’ me terrible fuckin’ indigestion, she said.

  —That’s cos your stomach’s flattened, Jimmy Sr told her. —Yeh prob’ly ate too much.

  —I didn’t.

  —Yeh should only eat small amounts.

  —Ah, shag off.

  —It looks like there’s only one person takin’ this thing seriously, an’ that’s me.

  —Excuse me! said Sharon.—I am takin’ it seriously. I’m the one carryin’ it around with me all the time.

  —You’re gettin’ snotty now cos o’ your hormones, Jimmy Sr told her.—I’ll talk to yeh later.

  Sharon laughed at this.

  —There’s nothin’ wrong with my hormones.

  —I didn’t say there was annythin’ wrong with them, said Jimmy Sr.—No, there’s nothin’ wrong. As such. Wrong’s the wrong word. Imbalance is the term I’d use.

  —Thanks very much, Doctor Rabbitte.

  —Fuck off.

  Then he grinned. Then he stopped grinning, and coughed.

  —When, he said.—When your mammy—Times have changed, d‘yeh know tha’?

  Sharon smiled.

  —When your mammy was havin’ Jimmy I was in work. An’ when she was havin’ you I was in me mother’s. When she had Leslie I was inside in town, in Conways, yeh know, with the lads. The Hikers wasn’t built then. For Darren, I was—I can’t remember. The twins, I was in the Hikers.

  —You’ve a great memory.

  —Nowadays the husbands are there with the women, said Jimmy Sr.—That’s much better, I think. I’d

  He scratched his leg.

  —Because he can hold her hand an’ help her, an’ encourage her, yeh know, an’ see his child bein’ b
orn.

  There wasn’t even a car going past. The pipes upstairs weren’t making any noise.

  —Sharon, I’ll—Only if yeh want now—I wouldn’t mind stayin’ with you when—you’re havin’ it.

  —Ah no.

  —Okay.

  —Stop pushin’ her, will yeh!

  Sharon and Jackie were in Howth, on stools at the bar. It was busy and getting busier.

  —I’m tryin’ to get tha’ prick of a barman to serve me, said the young fella in the black polo neck and glowing dandruff who’d pushed Sharon’s back. He was wedged between Sharon and one of the poles that held up the ceiling, on his toes and clicking his fingers.

  —Look at her condition, will yeh, said Jackie.

  He did, still clicking his fingers.

  —She doesn’t look tha’ bad, he said.

  —She’s pregnant, yeh fuckin’ sap.

  —Fuck, sorry!

  —Yeah; so yeh should be.—I’ll get the barman for yeh. Raymond!

  Raymond was there before she’d finished calling him.

  —Yeah?

  —He wants yeh.

  —Oh.—Yeah?

  —He fancies yeh, said Sharon.

  —I know, said Jackie.—He nearly dribbles all over me. Did yeh see him there? His fuckin’ tongue was hangin’ ou’.

  She copied Raymond.

  —Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

  Sharon laughed.

  —Ah stop. He’s not tha’ bad.

  —I suppose he isn’t. He’s still a spa though.

  Sharon laughed again.

  —You’re a terrible fuckin’ wagon, Jackie.—I’m pissed.

  —So am I, said Jackie.—Raymond!

  —Yeah?

  —Same again, chicken.

  —Yeah.

  He ran over to the optics.

  —Yeah, said Jackie.

  She lifted herself up a bit so she could see all of Raymond.

  —He’s got a nice arse on him all the same.

  She sat down again.

  —Pity abou’ the rest of him.

  —I’m pissed, Jackie, said Sharon.

  —So am I, said Jackie.

  Sharon looked down.

  —I shouldn’t be doin’ this.

  —Wha’?

  —Drinkin’.

  —Ah, don’t be thick, Sharon. Yeh need to get pissed now an’ again. There’s no harm in it.