Broken and Screwed

The one thing I looked forward to was Jesse’s basketball game. It was going to be televised on Friday. I had the whole day planned. I was going to sleep as long as I could, I was going to get coffee, maybe some popcorn, and then I was going to take my blankets to the couch. I would wait for his game for the entire day if I had to.

As I headed to my car on Wednesday, Marissa bounded up to me and hooked her elbow through mine. She panted and gave me a silly smile while she smoothed some of her sleek black hair down from the wind. “Whatcha doing, buddy?”

I hid my grin. She’d been cautious with me since she had started dating Eric. The two of them had been enjoyable to watch at bowling that night. She’d been flirty and seductive while he had stumbled over his feet more than a few times. It was a month into their relationship. She seemed happier than I’d ever seen her.

“Not much.”

Her smile kicked up a notch. “Okay, can I ask you a favor?”

When wouldn’t she? I shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

“Are you doing anything tomorrow?”

“Besides eating turkey with my parents?” I had to fake it. No one knew how pathetic my family life had become this year. “Not much. Why?”

“Can I tell my parents that I’m going to have Thanksgiving at your house? I know it’s a lot to ask, but I got two tickets on discount for Vegas. It’s not Hawaii or anything, but it’s something special. I really, really like Eric. He’s going to tell his parents that he’ll have his meal at your place, too. It’ll be like a friends thing with your folks. Can we do that? Can we use your place as an excuse? You’ll cover for us if they call?”

Sometimes I had to shake my head at my own stupidity, but I nodded. “Sure.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Alex!” She bounced up and gave me a tight hug. “This means the world. You don’t even know it. Both of us have alibis for Wednesday night and we’ll spend the night at your place on Thursday. Then I’ll tell them that I’m going to stay another night at your place and Eric’s going to stay at Justin’s. We won’t even have to come back until Saturday, maybe even Sunday if my parents buy another lie.”

The glow on her face was unmistakable. I couldn’t help myself from asking, “Do you have something special planned for the trip?”

Her mouth clamped shut and her cheeks reddened. But her eyes sparkled. They seemed so alive, unlike the time when Cord had shattered her. They had lost some of their spark that day. I was glad to see it back.

“Well?”

She giggled and leaned close. “We’re going to do it.”

“It?” I frowned. I thought Marissa would’ve had sex with him by now. I loved my friend and all, but she wasn’t known for taking a month to get underneath the covers. “You haven’t had sex yet?”

She bit her lip as she shook her head. “I know. I know. But after Cord, I wanted to take my time and make sure this was the right guy.”

“And is he?”

Her head bobbed up and down. “I think so. I really do. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I might be in love with him. Can you believe it?”

My grin faltered. She had been in love with Cord, too. But then a little hope lit inside of me. Did it change so quickly? Could I feel the same for someone else after my last time with Jesse? Maybe things weren’t so depressing for me. I could fall in love again…but as I considered that, I knew I wasn’t wired the same as her. It wouldn’t be that easy for me and I really didn’t know if I could fall in love with someone else, especially that quick. It’d only been a month for her.

“Okay. I’ll see you later!” She gave me another cheerful wave before she skipped away. I was sure she was going to find Eric and share the good news of their lie.

“Ugh,” Angie groaned as she sidled up next to me. Her eyes were locked in an intense stare as she watched Marissa disappear around a corner. “Why am I friends with her? Seriously. I have no idea. She has no idea of what loyalty means. I don’t think she’s capable of empathy. Why are we both friends with her?”

I shrugged. “Because she’s got our backs at times and because we both love her, faults and all.”

She tipped her head back and let loose a loud growl. “I have no idea how you can stand her. She craps on you more than anyone else, I swear. And she’d crap on me if I wasn’t with Justin. Did I ever tell you that she tried to steal him away from me for the first two years? She still flirts with him. I’m going to drop kick her head one of these days and finally score that goal the football team should’ve got our last game.” She patted her chest. “Me. I’ll do that. And I’ll enjoy it.”

“Stop.” I nudged her with my elbow. “If I really liked Eric, she—”

“She would’ve still gone after him.”

That stopped me, but I wasn’t going to let it depress me. There was already a list she had no idea about, Marissa wasn’t anywhere on it.

I hooked my elbow through hers and dragged her to my car. “Can we talk about something else? Marissa’s love life can be tiring at times.”

“I know. I’m sorry. You’re a better friend than me.”

“Not really. I’m just not that mad because she helped me out without realizing it.”

“She did?” Angie’s eyebrow arched high. Her hand found her hip. “How so?”

I shrugged. Did I really want to get into this? “I was avoiding Eric. I’m not ready for a relationship.”

“And she took him off your hands?” She pursed her lips together and shook her head. “It wasn’t even like that, Alex. She took your man. If she wanted him, she should’ve asked for your permission. She did none of that and that she’s been hiding from you the past month tells me she’s guilty. She’s not that good of a friend.”

I sighed. This wasn’t going to go anywhere productive, so I purposely lightened my tone. “What are your plans for the break?”

Her eyes stayed narrowed and she kept them trained on me. Then she stared, and stared some more. Finally she rolled them and sighed in disgust. “You are so infuriating sometimes. You should be mad as hell and instead you’re over here, Miss Little Forgiveness. How can you sleep at night? With halos over your head? Or are you keeping secrets too?”

I froze. My heart stopped for a second.

Then her hand went in the air and she groaned again. “And now I’m being the horrible friend. I feel like I have to be perfect to catch up with you. You’re so damn holy and selfless. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

I stared at her.

She cringed. “Jesus. Don’t listen to me. I’m cursing, using His name in vain. I’m the one going to hell. Marissa will get away scot free, but not me. I’ll be going down South while she folds her wings around her and floats to heaven, all innocent and crap when we both know she’s not.”

I laughed now, but I couldn’t help but feel some of my own guilt. It might not have been the secret she thought of the type that was going to hurt anyone else, but I had my secrets. And one of them was how I was going to spend my Thanksgiving break. So I shook my head and plastered a fake smile on my face. “What are your plans for the break?”

“Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. I’m just so damn irritated with Marissa. She’s getting away with being a really crappy friend and the one person she shouldn’t be crappy to is you. But you won’t say anything.”

Because I had my own lies. But I held my tongue.

Then she cursed under her breath and sighed. “Okay. What’d you ask? Oh, my break. I don’t know. Family thing tomorrow. Justin will be around. That’s all I have planned. I think we’re going to his house tomorrow night for family game night. You?”

I lied through my teeth. “Family dinner, that’s it.”

“Oh. Well. That should be good. With your mom being in the hospital and all. I’m sure that time will be good for all of you guys.” Then a different look came to her. It was more serious, deeper, and it sent a kick to my stomach. I readied myself when I heard her ask, “Why haven’t you said anything about your mom? I know that I know, but no one else knows. I mean, my word, Alex. You’ve had a hard time the past year and a half, and now your mom was in the hospital. I think you should say something.”

I blinked back a sudden rush of tears. The sympathy loosened them, but I hardened myself. Crying never fixed anything and I didn’t want to appear weak. No one would respect me after that, and that was all I had left. I shook my head, forcing my voice to sound normal. “No, I can’t. It’s alright. My mom’s a lot better.”

She sighed again, and then wiped her own tear away. “I’m sorry. I am. I just…” But she bit her lip and turned away. Her shoulders shook a bit, but I waited with a knot in my stomach until she turned back. Her voice rose on a sob, “I just can’t imagine if that’d been my mom. I would’ve lost it. I know I would’ve.”

And that was the gist of it. As I heard her, the truth startled me. I had lost my mom when I had lost Ethan. I had lost my father as well. I’d lost the family even. I still had Jesse, in some ways, but nothing was the same. I wasn’t the same.

When Angie grasped my arm, I jerked back to our conversation. I was shaken as I realized a few tears had slipped past my eyes. They streamed down my cheek, but Angie had her own. She pulled me in for a hug and whispered in my ear, “I love you. You know that, right? I really do. If you need anything, anything at all, please, please, please call me. Please, Alex.”

I hugged her back and nodded, but when she didn’t let go, my arms tightened around her. And then I found myself hugging her back as much as she did with me. Something loosened in me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was something and it was important. When I felt more tears coming, I pulled back and brushed them away. I couldn’t lose it. I didn’t know if I’d put it all back together again.

Her hand fell to my arm. Her voice was rough. “I just feel that you’re hurting a lot more than you let on and it kills me. You’ve always been a great friend to me and have been there for me. You deserve that back, you deserve more than that.”

I grasped her hand in mine and squeezed it tight.

Then Angie groaned. “Oh hell. Look at us. We both look like blathering idiots. Where’s that passive aggressive bitch Sarah Shastaine at a moment like this? She’d wet herself, I swear.”

Some laughter ripped out of me. My eyes went wide, but then I couldn’t stop laughing. And Angie joined in. Both of us were giggling so much, we were drawing attention. It wasn’t long until Justin found his way over to us. A perplexed look was on his face as he knelt and slung Angie’s bag over his shoulder. “You guys aren’t high, are you?”

Angie snorted and swatted at his shoulder.

We laughed harder at that.

Then he shook his head and sighed. “Okay. I’ll see you at the car, honey.”

She nodded. Both of us were overcome with laughter and blinded by tears as well. After awhile, another minute of laughing; it hurt to stop, but we needed to. Angie sighed out loud. “Oh, my word. That felt good, painful but good.”

I nodded, grinning like an idiot.

“Okay.” She hugged me once more and took a breath. “I’ll see you later. Call me if you’re bored and want to get out of the house tomorrow. Otherwise, there’s a party Friday. We’ll pick you up at six for that.”

“What—no—”

But it didn’t matter. Angie gave me another wave and headed across the parking lot for Justin’s truck. As she rushed him and threw her arms around his shoulders, pain seared inside of my chest. I wanted that. They were happy. They were in love. I wanted that, but I’d never get it. Another flare of pain surged through me, but I stopped it. I put it on hold and pushed everything down inside of me. Self pity wouldn’t get me anywhere, and right now, I needed to survive.

And then I got into my car and headed home to an empty house.

When I got home, I learned from a note that my dad went to pick up my mom from the hospital and they were going straight to the airport from there. And then I got another surprise. They would be gone for over two weeks. Apparently, my mother needed a vacation; it was a long awaited one for the both of them and they would see me when they returned. A last note told me not to get in trouble. I flicked the note away after I read that. Trouble? What trouble would they even care about now?

Then I remembered Angie’s hug and her words. ‘I just feel that you’re hurting a lot more than you let on and it kills me.’ When the same tears came to the surface, I brushed them away and headed to my room. It wasn’t near evening, but I changed into my pajamas and curled underneath my covers. At this point, I didn’t know what was worse. Having my mom in the house when I knew she was suffering like the rest of us, or not having anyone in the home? Or, I gulped, being alone in the house when I felt Ethan’s presence? Sometimes it was so overwhelming I could only gasp for breathe and hold onto where I was at the moment. Sometimes I was in bed. Sometimes I was at the kitchen table, gripping the table in front of me. When I was on the couch, I hugged the cushion sewn into the couch. By the time it would leave me, I was so shaken and pale that I would look like a ghost if anyone saw me.

I always wanted to call Jesse, but I never did. I did now, though. I gave in, but hung up immediately. No good would come from hearing his voice. Only pain.

I sighed.

Then I stuffed it down again. I’d been doing it for over a year.

And with that last thought, I took a deep breath and then put a movie in. It was after my fourth one when the doorbell rang, my cell phone buzzed an alert, and my parents’ landline rang. I jumped and hoped I hadn’t crapped my pants. I threw back the covers and hurried downstairs. The phone kept ringing, so I grabbed that one first.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.” Angie sounded out of breath.

The doorbell went again.

“Someone’s at the door. I’ll call you back in a second.”

“It’s me. I’m freezing my ass off.”

“Oh—” I hung up and went to the door. As I swung it open, a burst of cold air blasted me. Angie and Justin were both shivering and dashed inside. I was pushed against the wall, but when I followed them into the living room, I couldn’t hold back a smile. Angie dove for the blankets and wrapped one around her before she hurled herself on the couch. Justin gave me a slight wave as he was stomping his feet up and down and shaking his hands.

“What are you guys doing here?”

Angie rolled to her back on the couch and grinned up at me. She was cocooned like a butterfly. “Marissa called. She found another good deal. Pack your bags. Our plane leaves for Vegas in three hours.”

“What? No.”

“Come on.”





“No.”

“Yes.”

I opened my mouth, a lame excuse on the tip of my tongue, when Angie rolled her eyes and struggled to sit up. Then she made a show of looking around. I closed my mouth. I already knew where this was going. I beat her to it. “It’s date night.”

She snorted. “Yeah, right. No one’s here.”

“I told you. Date night. They’re allowed.”

Her eyes narrowed. “When are they coming back?”

“Tonight.”

“Fine.” There was movement under her blanket and I guessed it was her arms crossing over her chest. “Then we’ll stay and wish them Happy Thanksgiving.”

Now my eyes narrowed. I said through gritted teeth, “They’re coming back tomorrow, but I’m not supposed to tell anybody that.”

“Why not?”

“They don’t want overnight guests.” I cringed at that lie. It wasn’t even a believable one.

“And what overnight guests wouldn’t they like? Me? They don’t like me now.”

I glanced around for Justin, but he was gone. Not a surprise. He had a habit of wandering anywhere we would go. “What’s the point of this? I don’t want to go to Vegas. I can’t afford it.”

“I told you. It’s a good deal.”

I sighed, “I still can’t. I have no money.”

“What about the coffee hut?”

“Minimum wage?”

She flinched. “You’re right, but that’s okay. It’s my treat. I owe you for all the years of great friendship.”

And then Justin came back in with a note in his hand. He held it up with a weird expression on his face. “Since when does date night consist of two weeks?”

My stomach hurled to the ground.

Angie’s mouth dropped open.

I hissed at him, “What are you? A ninja? Stop poking through my house.”

He shrugged as Angie threw the blanket off and snatched the note from his hand. Then she cried out, “Are you serious? Your parents left you alone for two weeks? That’s insane.”