J.

  iij

  THE Jacquard Club was packed, the smoke-blanket knifably thick. Veda blinked as her eyes adjusted to the subterranean gloom of this neo-Goth (or "Gothic") environment. Eventually, when the bar materialised through the smoke and the darkness, she pushed her way through and bellowed

  I'LL HAVE A JUICE PLEASE!!!

  Several saggy-bellied, red nostrilled, hairy-earholed baldyheads clutching nut brown pints of real ale sniggered loudly. Veda twitched an eyebrow and peered at the beverages listed on the chalkboard -

  Judge Jefferys' Revenge (OG 1215)

  looks like creosote, smells of creosote, tastes like creosote

  RADAR Beer of the Year 1976

  RADAR, Veda remembered, was the Real Ale Drinking and Appreciation Review.

  Bloody Assizes (old pale ale)

  nutty, the ultimate thirst-quencher

  Norfolk Nag (OG 1242)

  Explodes on the tongue with a full flavoured fizz

  One too many and you'll sleep in the bath!

  Old Sheepshagger (OG 1275)

  Wear your Wellies for this one. With its lovely thick fleecy head,

  cries out for tupping. Just call me Flossie and let it slip inside!

  Bishop's Buttock (OG 1275)

  RADAR Gold Medal 1996. Earlier brews tended to flabbiness,

  but now rich and full-bodied - a spankingly good beer!

  Old Skull-Cracker (OG 1340 - ⅓ pint only)

  texture like molten tar with a kick like a road drill.

  Recommended only to those who don't need their eyesight for 42 hours.

  One of the badger-bearded fellows on Veda's right passed his glass across the counter and yelled that he wanted

  Everyone roared