Martin Chuzzlewit

  CHAPTER NINE

  TOWN AND TODGER'S

  Surely there never was, in any other borough, city, or hamlet in theworld, such a singular sort of a place as Todgers's. And surely London,to judge from that part of it which hemmed Todgers's round and hustledit, and crushed it, and stuck its brick-and-mortar elbows into it, andkept the air from it, and stood perpetually between it and thelight, was worthy of Todgers's, and qualified to be on terms of closerelationship and alliance with hundreds and thousands of the odd familyto which Todgers's belonged.

  You couldn't walk about Todgers's neighbourhood, as you could in anyother neighbourhood. You groped your way for an hour through lanes andbyways, and court-yards, and passages; and you never once emerged uponanything that might be reasonably called a street. A kind of resigneddistraction came over the stranger as he trod those devious mazes, and,giving himself up for lost, went in and out and round about and quietlyturned back again when he came to a dead wall or was stopped by aniron railing, and felt that the means of escape might possibly presentthemselves in their own good time, but that to anticipate them washopeless. Instances were known of people who, being asked to dine atTodgers's, had travelled round and round for a weary time, with its verychimney-pots in view; and finding it, at last, impossible of attainment,had gone home again with a gentle melancholy on their spirits,tranquil and uncomplaining. Nobody had ever found Todgers's on a verbaldirection, though given within a few minutes' walk of it. Cautiousemigrants from Scotland or the North of England had been known to reachit safely, by impressing a charity-boy, town-bred, and bringing himalong with them; or by clinging tenaciously to the postman; but thesewere rare exceptions, and only went to prove the rule that Todgers's wasin a labyrinth, whereof the mystery was known but to a chosen few.

  Several fruit-brokers had their marts near Todgers's; and one of thefirst impressions wrought upon the stranger's senses was of oranges--ofdamaged oranges--with blue and green bruises on them, festering inboxes, or mouldering away in cellars. All day long, a stream of portersfrom the wharves beside the river, each bearing on his back a burstingchest of oranges, poured slowly through the narrow passages; whileunderneath the archway by the public-house, the knots of those whorested and regaled within, were piled from morning until night. Strangesolitary pumps were found near Todgers's hiding themselves for the mostpart in blind alleys, and keeping company with fire-ladders. There werechurches also by dozens, with many a ghostly little churchyard, allovergrown with such straggling vegetation as springs up spontaneouslyfrom damp, and graves, and rubbish. In some of these dingyresting-places which bore much the same analogy to green churchyards,as the pots of earth for mignonette and wall-flower in the windowsoverlooking them did to rustic gardens, there were trees; tall trees;still putting forth their leaves in each succeeding year, with such alanguishing remembrance of their kind (so one might fancy, looking ontheir sickly boughs) as birds in cages have of theirs. Here, paralysedold watchmen guarded the bodies of the dead at night, year after year,until at last they joined that solemn brotherhood; and, saving that theyslept below the ground a sounder sleep than even they had ever knownabove it, and were shut up in another kind of box, their condition canhardly be said to have undergone any material change when they, in turn,were watched themselves.

  Among the narrow thoroughfares at hand, there lingered, here and there,an ancient doorway of carved oak, from which, of old, the sounds ofrevelry and feasting often came; but now these mansions, only usedfor storehouses, were dark and dull, and, being filled with wool, andcotton, and the like--such heavy merchandise as stifles sound and stopsthe throat of echo--had an air of palpable deadness about them which,added to their silence and desertion, made them very grim. In likemanner, there were gloomy courtyards in these parts, into which few butbelated wayfarers ever strayed, and where vast bags and packs of goods,upward or downward bound, were for ever dangling between heaven andearth from lofty cranes There were more trucks near Todgers's thanyou would suppose whole city could ever need; not active trucks, buta vagabond race, for ever lounging in the narrow lanes beforetheir masters' doors and stopping up the pass; so that when a strayhackney-coach or lumbering waggon came that way, they were the cause ofsuch an uproar as enlivened the whole neighbourhood, and made the bellsin the next churchtower vibrate again. In the throats and maws of darkno-thoroughfares near Todgers's, individual wine-merchants and wholesaledealers in grocery-ware had perfect little towns of their own; and, deepamong the foundations of these buildings, the ground was undermined andburrowed out into stables, where cart-horses, troubled by rats, might beheard on a quiet Sunday rattling their halters, as disturbed spirits intales of haunted houses are said to clank their chains.

  To tell of half the queer old taverns that had a drowsy and secretexistence near Todgers's, would fill a goodly book; while a secondvolume no less capacious might be devoted to an account of the quaintold guests who frequented their dimly lighted parlours. These were, ingeneral, ancient inhabitants of that region; born, and bred there fromboyhood, who had long since become wheezy and asthmatical, and short ofbreath, except in the article of story-telling; in which respect theywere still marvellously long-winded. These gentry were much opposed tosteam and all new-fangled ways, and held ballooning to be sinful, anddeplored the degeneracy of the times; which that particular memberof each little club who kept the keys of the nearest church,professionally, always attributed to the prevalence of dissent andirreligion; though the major part of the company inclined to the beliefthat virtue went out with hair-powder, and that Old England's greatnesshad decayed amain with barbers.

  As to Todgers's itself--speaking of it only as a house in thatneighbourhood, and making no reference to its merits as a commercialboarding establishment--it was worthy to stand where it did. There wasone staircase-window in it, at the side of the house, on the groundfloor; which tradition said had not been opened for a hundred years atleast, and which, abutting on an always dirty lane, was so begrimed andcoated with a century's mud, that no one pane of glass could possiblyfall out, though all were cracked and broken twenty times. But the grandmystery of Todgers's was the cellarage, approachable only by a littleback door and a rusty grating; which cellarage within the memory of manhad had no connection with the house, but had always been the freeholdproperty of somebody else, and was reported to be full of wealth; thoughin what shape--whether in silver, brass, or gold, or butts of wine,or casks of gun-powder--was matter of profound uncertainty and supremeindifference to Todgers's and all its inmates.

  The top of the house was worthy of notice. There was a sort of terraceon the roof, with posts and fragments of rotten lines, once intended todry clothes upon; and there were two or three tea-chests out there,full of earth, with forgotten plants in them, like old walking-sticks.Whoever climbed to this observatory, was stunned at first from havingknocked his head against the little door in coming out; and after that,was for the moment choked from having looked perforce, straight down thekitchen chimney; but these two stages over, there were things to gazeat from the top of Todgers's, well worth your seeing too. For firstand foremost, if the day were bright, you observed upon the house-tops,stretching far away, a long dark path; the shadow of the Monument; andturning round, the tall original was close beside you, with every hairerect upon his golden head, as if the doings of the city frightened him.Then there were steeples, towers, belfries, shining vanes, and masts ofships; a very forest. Gables, housetops, garret-windows, wilderness uponwilderness. Smoke and noise enough for all the world at once.

  After the first glance, there were slight features in the midst of thiscrowd of objects, which sprung out from the mass without any reason, asit were, and took hold of the attention whether the spectator would orno. Thus, the revolving chimney-pots on one great stack of buildingsseemed to be turning gravely to each other every now and then, andwhispering the result of their separate observation of what was goingon below. Others, of a crook-backed shape, appeared to be maliciouslyholding themselves askew, that they might
shut the prospect out andbaffle Todgers's. The man who was mending a pen at an upper window overthe way, became of paramount importance in the scene, and made a blankin it, ridiculously disproportionate in its extent, when he retired. Thegambols of a piece of cloth upon the dyer's pole had far more interestfor the moment than all the changing motion of the crowd. Yet even whilethe looker-on felt angry with himself for this, and wondered how it was,the tumult swelled into a roar; the hosts of objects seemed to thickenand expand a hundredfold, and after gazing round him, quite scared, heturned into Todgers's again, much more rapidly than he came out; and tento one he told M. Todgers afterwards that if he hadn't done so, he wouldcertainly have come into the street by the shortest cut; that is to say,head-foremost.

  So said the two Miss Pecksniffs, when they retired with Mrs Todgers fromthis place of espial, leaving the youthful porter to close the doorand follow them downstairs; who, being of a playful temperament, andcontemplating with a delight peculiar to his sex and time of life, anychance of dashing himself into small fragments, lingered behind to walkupon the parapet.

  It being the second day of their stay in London, the Miss Pecksniffsand Mrs Todgers were by this time highly confidential, insomuch that thelast-named lady had already communicated the particulars of three earlydisappointments of a tender nature; and had furthermore possessed heryoung friends with a general summary of the life, conduct, and characterof Mr Todgers. Who, it seemed, had cut his matrimonial career rathershort, by unlawfully running away from his happiness, and establishinghimself in foreign countries as a bachelor.

  'Your pa was once a little particular in his attentions, my dears,' saidMrs Todgers, 'but to be your ma was too much happiness denied me. You'dhardly know who this was done for, perhaps?'

  She called their attention to an oval miniature, like a little blister,which was tacked up over the kettle-holder, and in which there was adreamy shadowing forth of her own visage.

  'It's a speaking likeness!' cried the two Miss Pecksniffs.

  'It was considered so once,' said Mrs Todgers, warming herself in agentlemanly manner at the fire; 'but I hardly thought you would haveknown it, my loves.'

  They would have known it anywhere. If they could have met with it inthe street, or seen it in a shop window, they would have cried 'Goodgracious! Mrs Todgers!'

  'Presiding over an establishment like this, makes sad havoc with thefeatures, my dear Miss Pecksniffs,' said Mrs Todgers. 'The gravy alone,is enough to add twenty years to one's age, I do assure you.'

  'Lor'!' cried the two Miss Pecksniffs.

  'The anxiety of that one item, my dears,' said Mrs Todgers, 'keeps themind continually upon the stretch. There is no such passion in humannature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen. It'snothing to say a joint won't yield--a whole animal wouldn't yield--theamount of gravy they expect each day at dinner. And what I haveundergone in consequence,' cried Mrs Todgers, raising her eyes andshaking her head, 'no one would believe!'

  'Just like Mr Pinch, Merry!' said Charity. 'We have always noticed it inhim, you remember?'

  'Yes, my dear,' giggled Merry, 'but we have never given it him, youknow.'

  'You, my dears, having to deal with your pa's pupils who can't helpthemselves, are able to take your own way,' said Mrs Todgers; 'but ina commercial establishment, where any gentleman may say any Saturdayevening, "Mrs Todgers, this day week we part, in consequence of thecheese," it is not so easy to preserve a pleasant understanding. Your pawas kind enough,' added the good lady, 'to invite me to take a ride withyou to-day; and I think he mentioned that you were going to call uponMiss Pinch. Any relation to the gentleman you were speaking of just now,Miss Pecksniff?'

  'For goodness sake, Mrs Todgers,' interposed the lively Merry, 'don'tcall him a gentleman. My dear Cherry, Pinch a gentleman! The idea!'

  'What a wicked girl you are!' cried Mrs Todgers, embracing her withgreat affection. 'You are quite a quiz, I do declare! My dear MissPecksniff, what a happiness your sister's spirits must be to your pa andself!'

  'He's the most hideous, goggle-eyed creature, Mrs Todgers, inexistence,' resumed Merry: 'quite an ogre. The ugliest, awkwardestfrightfullest being, you can imagine. This is his sister, so I leave youto suppose what SHE is. I shall be obliged to laugh outright, I knowI shall!' cried the charming girl, 'I never shall be able to keep mycountenance. The notion of a Miss Pinch presuming to exist at all issufficient to kill one, but to see her--oh my stars!'

  Mrs Todgers laughed immensely at the dear love's humour, and declaredshe was quite afraid of her, that she was. She was so very severe.

  'Who is severe?' cried a voice at the door. 'There is no such thing asseverity in our family, I hope!' And then Mr Pecksniff peeped smilinglyinto the room, and said, 'May I come in, Mrs Todgers?'

  Mrs Todgers almost screamed, for the little door of communicationbetween that room and the inner one being wide open, there was a fulldisclosure of the sofa bedstead in all its monstrous impropriety. Butshe had the presence of mind to close this portal in the twinkling of aneye; and having done so, said, though not without confusion, 'Oh yes, MrPecksniff, you can come in, if you please.'

  'How are we to-day,' said Mr Pecksniff, jocosely, 'and what are ourplans? Are we ready to go and see Tom Pinch's sister? Ha, ha, ha! PoorThomas Pinch!'

  'Are we ready,' returned Mrs Todgers, nodding her head with mysteriousintelligence, 'to send a favourable reply to Mr Jinkins's round-robin?That's the first question, Mr Pecksniff.'

  'Why Mr Jinkins's robin, my dear madam?' asked Mr Pecksniff, putting onearm round Mercy, and the other round Mrs Todgers, whom he seemed, in theabstraction of the moment, to mistake for Charity. 'Why Mr Jinkins's?'

  'Because he began to get it up, and indeed always takes the lead in thehouse,' said Mrs Todgers, playfully. 'That's why, sir.'

  'Jinkins is a man of superior talents,' observed Mr Pecksniff. 'I haveconceived a great regard for Jinkins. I take Jinkins's desire to paypolite attention to my daughters, as an additional proof of the friendlyfeeling of Jinkins, Mrs Todgers.'

  'Well now,' returned that lady, 'having said so much, you must say therest, Mr Pecksniff; so tell the dear young ladies all about it.'

  With these words she gently eluded Mr Pecksniff's grasp, and took MissCharity into her own embrace; though whether she was impelled to thisproceeding solely by the irrepressible affection she had conceived forthat young lady, or whether it had any reference to a lowering, not tosay distinctly spiteful expression which had been visible in her facefor some moments, has never been exactly ascertained. Be this as it may,Mr Pecksniff went on to inform his daughters of the purport and historyof the round-robin aforesaid, which was in brief, that the commercialgentlemen who helped to make up the sum and substance of that noun ofmultitude signifying many, called Todgers's, desired the honour of theirpresence at the general table, so long as they remained in the house,and besought that they would grace the board at dinner-time nextday, the same being Sunday. He further said, that Mrs Todgers being aconsenting party to this invitation, he was willing, for his part, toaccept it; and so left them that he might write his gracious answer, thewhile they armed themselves with their best bonnets for the utter defeatand overthrow of Miss Pinch.

  Tom Pinch's sister was governess in a family, a lofty family; perhapsthe wealthiest brass and copper founders' family known to mankind.They lived at Camberwell; in a house so big and fierce, that its mereoutside, like the outside of a giant's castle, struck terror into vulgarminds and made bold persons quail. There was a great front gate; with agreat bell, whose handle was in itself a note of admiration; and agreat lodge; which being close to the house, rather spoilt the look-outcertainly but made the look-in tremendous. At this entry, a great porterkept constant watch and ward; and when he gave the visitor high leaveto pass, he rang a second great bell, responsive to whose note a greatfootman appeared in due time at the great halldoor, with such greattags upon his liveried shoulder that he was perpetually entangling andhooking himself among the chairs an
d tables, and led a life of tormentwhich could scarcely have been surpassed, if he had been a blue-bottlein a world of cobwebs.

  To this mansion Mr Pecksniff, accompanied by his daughters and MrsTodgers, drove gallantly in a one-horse fly. The foregoing ceremonieshaving been all performed, they were ushered into the house; and so, bydegrees, they got at last into a small room with books in it, where MrPinch's sister was at that moment instructing her eldest pupil; to wit,a premature little woman of thirteen years old, who had already arrivedat such a pitch of whalebone and education that she had nothing girlishabout her, which was a source of great rejoicing to all her relationsand friends.

  'Visitors for Miss Pinch!' said the footman. He must have beenan ingenious young man, for he said it very cleverly; with a nicediscrimination between the cold respect with which he would haveannounced visitors to the family, and the warm personal interest withwhich he would have announced visitors to the cook.

  'Visitors for Miss Pinch!'

  Miss Pinch rose hastily; with such tokens of agitation as plainlydeclared that her list of callers was not numerous. At the same time,the little pupil became alarmingly upright, and prepared herself to takemental notes of all that might be said and done. For the lady of theestablishment was curious in the natural history and habits of theanimal called Governess, and encouraged her daughters to report thereonwhenever occasion served; which was, in reference to all partiesconcerned, very laudable, improving, and pleasant.

  It is a melancholy fact; but it must be related, that Mr Pinch's sisterwas not at all ugly. On the contrary, she had a good face; a very mildand prepossessing face; and a pretty little figure--slight and short,but remarkable for its neatness. There was something of her brother,much of him indeed, in a certain gentleness of manner, and in her lookof timid trustfulness; but she was so far from being a fright, ora dowdy, or a horror, or anything else, predicted by the two MissPecksniffs, that those young ladies naturally regarded her with greatindignation, feeling that this was by no means what they had come tosee.

  Miss Mercy, as having the larger share of gaiety, bore up the bestagainst this disappointment, and carried it off, in outward show atleast, with a titter; but her sister, not caring to hide her disdain,expressed it pretty openly in her looks. As to Mrs Todgers, she leanedon Mr Pecksniff's arm and preserved a kind of genteel grimness, suitableto any state of mind, and involving any shade of opinion.

  'Don't be alarmed, Miss Pinch,' said Mr Pecksniff, taking her handcondescendingly in one of his, and patting it with the other. 'I havecalled to see you, in pursuance of a promise given to your brother,Thomas Pinch. My name--compose yourself, Miss Pinch--is Pecksniff.'

  The good man emphasised these words as though he would have said, 'Yousee in me, young person, the benefactor of your race; the patron of yourhouse; the preserver of your brother, who is fed with manna daily frommy table; and in right of whom there is a considerable balance in myfavour at present standing in the books beyond the sky. But I have nopride, for I can afford to do without it!'

  The poor girl felt it all as if it had been Gospel truth. Her brotherwriting in the fullness of his simple heart, had often told her so, andhow much more! As Mr Pecksniff ceased to speak, she hung her head, anddropped a tear upon his hand.

  'Oh very well, Miss Pinch!' thought the sharp pupil, 'crying beforestrangers, as if you didn't like the situation!'

  'Thomas is well,' said Mr Pecksniff; 'and sends his love and thisletter. I cannot say, poor fellow, that he will ever be distinguished inour profession; but he has the will to do well, which is the next thingto having the power; and, therefore, we must bear with him. Eh?'

  'I know he has the will, sir,' said Tom Pinch's sister, 'and I know howkindly and considerately you cherish it, for which neither he nor I canever be grateful enough, as we very often say in writing to eachother. The young ladies too,' she added, glancing gratefully at his twodaughters, 'I know how much we owe to them.'

  'My dears,' said Mr Pecksniff, turning to them with a smile: 'Thomas'ssister is saying something you will be glad to hear, I think.'

  'We can't take any merit to ourselves, papa!' cried Cherry, as theyboth apprised Tom Pinch's sister, with a curtsey, that they wouldfeel obliged if she would keep her distance. 'Mr Pinch's being so wellprovided for is owing to you alone, and we can only say how glad we areto hear that he is as grateful as he ought to be.'

  'Oh very well, Miss Pinch!' thought the pupil again. 'Got a gratefulbrother, living on other people's kindness!'

  'It was very kind of you,' said Tom Pinch's sister, with Tom's ownsimplicity and Tom's own smile, 'to come here; very kind indeed; thoughhow great a kindness you have done me in gratifying my wish to see you,and to thank you with my own lips, you, who make so light of benefitsconferred, can scarcely think.'

  'Very grateful; very pleasant; very proper,' murmured Mr Pecksniff.

  'It makes me happy too,' said Ruth Pinch, who now that her firstsurprise was over, had a chatty, cheerful way with her, and asingle-hearted desire to look upon the best side of everything, whichwas the very moral and image of Tom; 'very happy to think that you willbe able to tell him how more than comfortably I am situated here, andhow unnecessary it is that he should ever waste a regret on my beingcast upon my own resources. Dear me! So long as I heard that he washappy, and he heard that I was,' said Tom's sister, 'we could both bear,without one impatient or complaining thought, a great deal more thanever we have had to endure, I am very certain.' And if ever the plaintruth were spoken on this occasionally false earth, Tom's sister spokeit when she said that.

  'Ah!' cried Mr Pecksniff whose eyes had in the meantime wandered to thepupil; 'certainly. And how do YOU do, my very interesting child?'

  'Quite well, I thank you, sir,' replied that frosty innocent.

  'A sweet face this, my dears,' said Mr Pecksniff, turning to hisdaughters. 'A charming manner!'

  Both young ladies had been in ecstasies with the scion of a wealthyhouse (through whom the nearest road and shortest cut to her parentsmight be supposed to lie) from the first. Mrs Todgers vowed thatanything one quarter so angelic she had never seen. 'She wanted buta pair of wings, a dear,' said that good woman, 'to be a youngsyrup'--meaning, possibly, young sylph, or seraph.

  'If you will give that to your distinguished parents, my amiable littlefriend,' said Mr Pecksniff, producing one of his professional cards,'and will say that I and my daughters--'

  'And Mrs Todgers, pa,' said Merry.

  'And Mrs Todgers, of London,' added Mr Pecksniff; 'that I, and mydaughters, and Mrs Todgers, of London, did not intrude upon them, as ourobject simply was to take some notice of Miss Pinch, whose brother is ayoung man in my employment; but that I could not leave this very chastemansion, without adding my humble tribute, as an Architect, tothe correctness and elegance of the owner's taste, and to his justappreciation of that beautiful art to the cultivation of which I havedevoted a life, and to the promotion of whose glory and advancement Ihave sacrified a--a fortune--I shall be very much obliged to you.'

  'Missis's compliments to Miss Pinch,' said the footman, suddenlyappearing, and speaking in exactly the same key as before, 'and begs toknow wot my young lady is a-learning of just now.'

  'Oh!' said Mr Pecksniff, 'Here is the young man. HE will take thecard. With my compliments, if you please, young man. My dears, we areinterrupting the studies. Let us go.'

  Some confusion was occasioned for an instant by Mrs Todgers'sunstrapping her little flat hand-basket, and hurriedly entrusting the'young man' with one of her own cards, which, in addition tocertain detailed information relative to the terms of the commercialestablishment, bore a foot-note to the effect that M. T. took thatopportunity of thanking those gentlemen who had honoured her with theirfavours, and begged they would have the goodness, if satisfied withthe table, to recommend her to their friends. But Mr Pecksniff, withadmirable presence of mind, recovered this document, and buttoned it upin his own pocket.

  Then he said to Miss Pinch--with more condescension a
nd kindness thanever, for it was desirable the footman should expressly understand thatthey were not friends of hers, but patrons:

  'Good morning. Good-bye. God bless you! You may depend upon my continuedprotection of your brother Thomas. Keep your mind quite at ease, MissPinch!'

  'Thank you,' said Tom's sister heartily; 'a thousand times.'

  'Not at all,' he retorted, patting her gently on the head. 'Don'tmention it. You will make me angry if you do. My sweet child'--to thepupil--'farewell! That fairy creature,' said Mr Pecksniff, looking inhis pensive mood hard at the footman, as if he meant him, 'has sheda vision on my path, refulgent in its nature, and not easily to beobliterated. My dears, are you ready?'

  They were not quite ready yet, for they were still caressing the pupil.But they tore themselves away at length; and sweeping past Miss Pinchwith each a haughty inclination of the head and a curtsey strangled inits birth, flounced into the passage.

  The young man had rather a long job in showing them out; for MrPecksniff's delight in the tastefulness of the house was such that hecould not help often stopping (particularly when they were near theparlour door) and giving it expression, in a loud voice and very learnedterms. Indeed, he delivered, between the study and the hall, afamiliar exposition of the whole science of architecture as applied todwelling-houses, and was yet in the freshness of his eloquence when theyreached the garden.

  'If you look,' said Mr Pecksniff, backing from the steps, with his headon one side and his eyes half-shut that he might the better take inthe proportions of the exterior: 'If you look, my dears, at the cornicewhich supports the roof, and observe the airiness of its construction,especially where it sweeps the southern angle of the building, you willfeel with me--How do you do, sir? I hope you're well?'

  Interrupting himself with these words, he very politely bowed to amiddle-aged gentleman at an upper window, to whom he spoke--not becausethe gentleman could hear him (for he certainly could not), but as anappropriate accompaniment to his salutation.

  'I have no doubt, my dears,' said Mr Pecksniff, feigning to point outother beauties with his hand, 'that this is the proprietor. I should beglad to know him. It might lead to something. Is he looking this way,Charity?'

  'He is opening the window pa!'

  'Ha, ha!' cried Mr Pecksniff softly. 'All right! He has found I'mprofessional. He heard me inside just now, I have no doubt. Don't look!With regard to the fluted pillars in the portico, my dears--'

  'Hallo!' cried the gentleman.

  'Sir, your servant!' said Mr Pecksniff, taking off his hat. 'I am proudto make your acquaintance.'

  'Come off the grass, will you!' roared the gentleman.

  'I beg your pardon, sir,' said Mr Pecksniff, doubtful of his havingheard aright. 'Did you--?'

  'Come off the grass!' repeated the gentleman, warmly.

  'We are unwilling to intrude, sir,' Mr Pecksniff smilingly began.

  'But you ARE intruding,' returned the other, 'unwarrantably intruding.Trespassing. You see a gravel walk, don't you? What do you think it'smeant for? Open the gate there! Show that party out!'

  With that he clapped down the window again, and disappeared.

  Mr Pecksniff put on his hat, and walked with great deliberation and inprofound silence to the fly, gazing at the clouds as he went, withgreat interest. After helping his daughters and Mrs Todgers into thatconveyance, he stood looking at it for some moments, as if he were notquite certain whether it was a carriage or a temple; but having settledthis point in his mind, he got into his place, spread his hands out onhis knees, and smiled upon the three beholders.

  But his daughters, less tranquil-minded, burst into a torrent ofindignation. This came, they said, of cherishing such creatures as thePinches. This came of lowering themselves to their level. This came ofputting themselves in the humiliating position of seeming to know suchbold, audacious, cunning, dreadful girls as that. They had expectedthis. They had predicted it to Mrs Todgers, as she (Todgers) coulddepone, that very morning. To this, they added, that the owner of thehouse, supposing them to be Miss Pinch's friends, had acted, intheir opinion, quite correctly, and had done no more than, under suchcircumstances, might reasonably have been expected. To that they added(with a trifling inconsistency), that he was a brute and a bear; andthen they merged into a flood of tears, which swept away all wanderingepithets before it.

  Perhaps Miss Pinch was scarcely so much to blame in the matter as theSeraph, who, immediately on the withdrawal of the visitors, had hastenedto report them at head-quarters, with a full account of their havingpresumptuously charged her with the delivery of a message afterwardsconsigned to the footman; which outrage, taken in conjunction with MrPecksniff's unobtrusive remarks on the establishment, might possiblyhave had some share in their dismissal. Poor Miss Pinch, however, had tobear the brunt of it with both parties; being so severely taken to taskby the Seraph's mother for having such vulgar acquaintances, thatshe was fain to retire to her own room in tears, which her naturalcheerfulness and submission, and the delight of having seen MrPecksniff, and having received a letter from her brother, were at firstinsufficient to repress.

  As to Mr Pecksniff, he told them in the fly, that a good action was itsown reward; and rather gave them to understand, that if he could havebeen kicked in such a cause, he would have liked it all the better. Butthis was no comfort to the young ladies, who scolded violently the wholeway back, and even exhibited, more than once, a keen desire to attackthe devoted Mrs Todgers; on whose personal appearance, but particularlyon whose offending card and hand-basket, they were secretly inclined tolay the blame of half their failure.

  Todgers's was in a great bustle that evening, partly owing to someadditional domestic preparations for the morrow, and partly to theexcitement always inseparable in that house from Saturday night, whenevery gentleman's linen arrived at a different hour in its own littlebundle, with his private account pinned on the outside. There was alwaysa great clinking of pattens downstairs, too, until midnight or so, onSaturdays; together with a frequent gleaming of mysterious lights inthe area; much working at the pump; and a constant jangling of the ironhandle of the pail. Shrill altercations from time to time arose betweenMrs Todgers and unknown females in remote back kitchens; and sounds wereoccasionally heard, indicative of small articles of iron mongery andhardware being thrown at the boy. It was the custom of that youth onSaturdays, to roll up his shirt sleeves to his shoulders, and pervadeall parts of the house in an apron of coarse green baize; moreover, hewas more strongly tempted on Saturdays than on other days (it being abusy time), to make excursive bolts into the neighbouring alleys when heanswered the door, and there to play at leap-frog and other sports withvagrant lads, until pursued and brought back by the hair of his head orthe lobe of his ear; thus he was quite a conspicuous feature among thepeculiar incidents of the last day in the week at Todgers's.

  He was especially so on this particular Saturday evening, and honouredthe Miss Pecksniffs with a deal of notice; seldom passing the doorof Mrs Todgers's private room, where they sat alone before the fire,working by the light of a solitary candle, without putting in his headand greeting them with some such compliments as, 'There you are agin!''An't it nice?'--and similar humorous attentions.

  'I say,' he whispered, stopping in one of his journeys to and fro,'young ladies, there's soup to-morrow. She's a-making it now. An't shea-putting in the water? Oh! not at all neither!'

  In the course of answering another knock, he thrust in his head again.

  'I say! There's fowls to-morrow. Not skinny ones. Oh no!'

  Presently he called through the key-hole:

  'There's a fish to-morrow. Just come. Don't eat none of him!' And, withthis special warning, vanished again.

  By-and-bye, he returned to lay the cloth for supper; it having beenarranged between Mrs Todgers and the young ladies, that they shouldpartake of an exclusive veal-cutlet together in the privacy of thatapartment. He entertained them on this occasion by thrusting thelighted candle into his mouth, and
exhibiting his face in a state oftransparency; after the performance of which feat, he went on with hisprofessional duties; brightening every knife as he laid it on the table,by breathing on the blade and afterwards polishing the same on the apronalready mentioned. When he had completed his preparations, he grinnedat the sisters, and expressed his belief that the approaching collationwould be of 'rather a spicy sort.'

  'Will it be long, before it's ready, Bailey?' asked Mercy.

  'No,' said Bailey, 'it IS cooked. When I come up, she was dodging amongthe tender pieces with a fork, and eating of 'em.'

  But he had scarcely achieved the utterance of these words, when hereceived a manual compliment on the head, which sent him staggeringagainst the wall; and Mrs Todgers, dish in hand, stood indignantlybefore him.

  'Oh you little villain!' said that lady. 'Oh you bad, false boy!'

  'No worse than yerself,' retorted Bailey, guarding his head, on aprinciple invented by Mr Thomas Cribb. 'Ah! Come now! Do that again,will yer?'

  'He's the most dreadful child,' said Mrs Todgers, setting down the dish,'I ever had to deal with. The gentlemen spoil him to that extent, andteach him such things, that I'm afraid nothing but hanging will ever dohim any good.'

  'Won't it!' cried Bailey. 'Oh! Yes! Wot do you go a-lowerin thetable-beer for then, and destroying my constitooshun?'

  'Go downstairs, you vicious boy,' said Mrs Todgers, holding the dooropen. 'Do you hear me? Go along!'

  After two or three dexterous feints, he went, and was seen no more thatnight, save once, when he brought up some tumblers and hot water, andmuch disturbed the two Miss Pecksniffs by squinting hideously behindthe back of the unconscious Mrs Todgers. Having done this justice to hiswounded feelings, he retired underground; where, in company with a swarmof black beetles and a kitchen candle, he employed his faculties incleaning boots and brushing clothes until the night was far advanced.

  Benjamin was supposed to be the real name of this young retainer but hewas known by a great variety of names. Benjamin, for instance, had beenconverted into Uncle Ben, and that again had been corrupted into Uncle;which, by an easy transition, had again passed into Barnwell, in memoryof the celebrated relative in that degree who was shot by his nephewGeorge, while meditating in his garden at Camberwell. The gentlemen atTodgers's had a merry habit, too, of bestowing upon him, for the timebeing, the name of any notorious malefactor or minister; and sometimeswhen current events were flat they even sought the pages of history forthese distinctions; as Mr Pitt, Young Brownrigg, and the like. At theperiod of which we write, he was generally known among the gentlemen asBailey junior; a name bestowed upon him in contradistinction, perhaps,to Old Bailey; and possibly as involving the recollection of anunfortunate lady of the same name, who perished by her own hand early inlife, and has been immortalised in a ballad.

  The usual Sunday dinner-hour at Todgers's was two o'clock--a suitabletime, it was considered for all parties; convenient to Mrs Todgers, onaccount of the bakers; and convenient to the gentlemen with referenceto their afternoon engagements. But on the Sunday which was to introducethe two Miss Pecksniffs to a full knowledge of Todgers's and itssociety, the dinner was postponed until five, in order that everythingmight be as genteel as the occasion demanded.

  When the hour drew nigh, Bailey junior, testifying great excitement,appeared in a complete suit of cast-off clothes several sizes too largefor him, and in particular, mounted a clean shirt of such extraordinarymagnitude, that one of the gentlemen (remarkable for his ready wit)called him 'collars' on the spot. At about a quarter before five, adeputation, consisting of Mr Jinkins, and another gentleman, whosename was Gander, knocked at the door of Mrs Todgers's room, and, beingformally introduced to the two Miss Pecksniffs by their parent who wasin waiting, besought the honour of conducting them upstairs.

  The drawing-room at Todgers's was out of the common style; so much soindeed, that you would hardly have taken it to be a drawingroom, unlessyou were told so by somebody who was in the secret. It was floor-clothedall over; and the ceiling, including a great beam in the middle,was papered. Besides the three little windows, with seats in them,commanding the opposite archway, there was another window looking pointblank, without any compromise at all about it into Jinkins's bedroom;and high up, all along one side of the wall was a strip of panes ofglass, two-deep, giving light to the staircase. There were the oddestclosets possible, with little casements in them like eight-day clocks,lurking in the wainscot and taking the shape of the stairs; and the verydoor itself (which was painted black) had two great glass eyes in itsforehead, with an inquisitive green pupil in the middle of each.

  Here the gentlemen were all assembled. There was a general cry of 'Hear,hear!' and 'Bravo Jink!' when Mr Jinkins appeared with Charity on hisarm; which became quite rapturous as Mr Gander followed, escortingMercy, and Mr Pecksniff brought up the rear with Mrs Todgers.

  Then the presentations took place. They included a gentleman of asporting turn, who propounded questions on jockey subjects to theeditors of Sunday papers, which were regarded by his friends as ratherstiff things to answer; and they included a gentleman of a theatricalturn, who had once entertained serious thoughts of 'coming out,' buthad been kept in by the wickedness of human nature; and they includeda gentleman of a debating turn, who was strong at speech-making; and agentleman of a literary turn, who wrote squibs upon the rest, andknew the weak side of everybody's character but his own. There was agentleman of a vocal turn, and a gentleman of a smoking turn, and agentleman of a convivial turn; some of the gentlemen had a turn forwhist, and a large proportion of the gentlemen had a strong turn forbilliards and betting. They had all, it may be presumed, a turn forbusiness; being all commercially employed in one way or other; andhad, every one in his own way, a decided turn for pleasure to boot. MrJinkins was of a fashionable turn; being a regular frequenter of theParks on Sundays, and knowing a great many carriages by sight. He spokemysteriously, too, of splendid women, and was suspected of having oncecommitted himself with a Countess. Mr Gander was of a witty turn beingindeed the gentleman who had originated the sally about 'collars;' whichsparkling pleasantry was now retailed from mouth to mouth, under thetitle of Gander's Last, and was received in all parts of the room withgreat applause. Mr Jinkins it may be added, was much the oldest ofthe party; being a fish-salesman's book-keeper, aged forty. He was theoldest boarder also; and in right of his double seniority, took the leadin the house, as Mrs Todgers had already said.

  There was considerable delay in the production of dinner, and poor MrsTodgers, being reproached in confidence by Jinkins, slipped in and out,at least twenty times to see about it; always coming back as though shehad no such thing upon her mind, and hadn't been out at all. But therewas no hitch in the conversation nevertheless; for one gentleman, whotravelled in the perfumery line, exhibited an interesting nick-nack,in the way of a remarkable cake of shaving soap which he had latelymet with in Germany; and the gentleman of a literary turn repeated (bydesire) some sarcastic stanzas he had recently produced on the freezingof the tank at the back of the house. These amusements, with themiscellaneous conversation arising out of them, passed the timesplendidly, until dinner was announced by Bailey junior in these terms:

  'The wittles is up!'

  On which notice they immediately descended to the banquet-hall; some ofthe more facetious spirits in the rear taking down gentlemen as if theywere ladies, in imitation of the fortunate possessors of the two MissPecksniffs.

  Mr Pecksniff said grace--a short and pious grace, involving a blessingon the appetites of those present, and committing all persons who hadnothing to eat, to the care of Providence; whose business (so said thegrace, in effect) it clearly was, to look after them. This done, theyfell to with less ceremony than appetite; the table groaning beneath theweight, not only of the delicacies whereof the Miss Pecksniffs had beenpreviously forewarned, but of boiled beef, roast veal, bacon, piesand abundance of such heavy vegetables as are favourably known tohousekeepers for their satisfying qualitie
s. Besides which, there werebottles of stout, bottles of wine, bottles of ale, and divers otherstrong drinks, native and foreign.

  All this was highly agreeable to the two Miss Pecksniffs, who were inimmense request; sitting one on either hand of Mr Jinkins at the bottomof the table; and who were called upon to take wine with some newadmirer every minute. They had hardly ever felt so pleasant, and so fullof conversation, in their lives; Mercy, in particular, was uncommonlybrilliant, and said so many good things in the way of lively reparteethat she was looked upon as a prodigy. 'In short,' as that young ladyobserved, 'they felt now, indeed, that they were in London, and for thefirst time too.'

  Their young friend Bailey sympathized in these feelings to thefullest extent, and, abating nothing of his patronage, gave them everyencouragement in his power; favouring them, when the general attentionwas diverted from his proceedings, with many nods and winks and othertokens of recognition, and occasionally touching his nose with acorkscrew, as if to express the Bacchanalian character of the meeting.In truth, perhaps even the spirits of the two Miss Pecksniffs, and thehungry watchfulness of Mrs Todgers, were less worthy of note than theproceedings of this remarkable boy, whom nothing disconcerted or put outof his way. If any piece of crockery, a dish or otherwise, chanced toslip through his hands (which happened once or twice), he let it go withperfect good breeding, and never added to the painful emotions of thecompany by exhibiting the least regret. Nor did he, by hurrying to andfro, disturb the repose of the assembly, as many well-trained servantsdo; on the contrary, feeling the hopelessness of waiting upon so large aparty, he left the gentlemen to help themselves to what they wanted, andseldom stirred from behind Mr Jinkins's chair, where, with his handsin his pockets, and his legs planted pretty wide apart, he led thelaughter, and enjoyed the conversation.

  The dessert was splendid. No waiting either. The pudding-plates had beenwashed in a little tub outside the door while cheese was on, and thoughthey were moist and warm with friction, still there they were again,up to the mark, and true to time. Quarts of almonds; dozens of oranges;pounds of raisins; stacks of biffins; soup-plates full of nuts.--Oh,Todgers's could do it when it chose! mind that.

  Then more wine came on; red wines and white wines; and a large chinabowl of punch, brewed by the gentleman of a convivial turn, who adjuredthe Miss Pecksniffs not to be despondent on account of its dimensions,as there were materials in the house for the decoction of half a dozenmore of the same size. Good gracious, how they laughed! How they coughedwhen they sipped it, because it was so strong; and how they laughedagain when somebody vowed that but for its colour it might have beenmistaken, in regard of its innocuous qualities, for new milk! What ashout of 'No!' burst from the gentlemen when they pathetically imploredMr Jinkins to suffer them to qualify it with hot water; and howblushingly, by little and little, did each of them drink her wholeglassful, down to its very dregs!

  Now comes the trying time. The sun, as Mr Jinkins says (gentlemanlycreature, Jinkins--never at a loss!), is about to leave the firmament.'Miss Pecksniff!' says Mrs Todgers, softly, 'will you--?' 'Oh dear, nomore, Mrs Todgers.' Mrs Todgers rises; the two Miss Pecksniffs rise; allrise. Miss Mercy Pecksniff looks downward for her scarf. Where is it?Dear me, where CAN it be? Sweet girl, she has it on; not on her fairneck, but loose upon her flowing figure. A dozen hands assist her. Sheis all confusion. The youngest gentleman in company thirsts to murderJinkins. She skips and joins her sister at the door. Her sister has herarm about the waist of Mrs Todgers. She winds her arm around her sister.Diana, what a picture! The last things visible are a shape and a skip.'Gentlemen, let us drink the ladies!'

  The enthusiasm is tremendous. The gentleman of a debating turn rises inthe midst, and suddenly lets loose a tide of eloquence which bears downeverything before it. He is reminded of a toast--a toast to which theywill respond. There is an individual present; he has him in his eye; towhom they owe a debt of gratitude. He repeats it--a debt of gratitude.Their rugged natures have been softened and ameliorated that day, bythe society of lovely woman. There is a gentleman in company whom twoaccomplished and delightful females regard with veneration, as thefountain of their existence. Yes, when yet the two Miss Pecksniffslisped in language scarce intelligible, they called that individual'Father!' There is great applause. He gives them 'Mr Pecksniff, and Godbless him!' They all shake hands with Mr Pecksniff, as they drink thetoast. The youngest gentleman in company does so with a thrill; for hefeels that a mysterious influence pervades the man who claims that beingin the pink scarf for his daughter.

  What saith Mr Pecksniff in reply? Or rather let the question be, Whatleaves he unsaid? Nothing. More punch is called for, and produced, anddrunk. Enthusiasm mounts still higher. Every man comes out freely inhis own character. The gentleman of a theatrical turn recites. The vocalgentleman regales them with a song. Gander leaves the Gander of allformer feasts whole leagues behind. HE rises to propose a toast. It is,The Father of Todgers's. It is their common friend Jink--it is oldJink, if he may call him by that familiar and endearing appellation. Theyoungest gentleman in company utters a frantic negative. He won'thave it--he can't bear it--it mustn't be. But his depth of feeling ismisunderstood. He is supposed to be a little elevated; and nobody heedshim.

  Mr Jinkins thanks them from his heart. It is, by many degrees, theproudest day in his humble career. When he looks around him on thepresent occasion, he feels that he wants words in which to expresshis gratitude. One thing he will say. He hopes it has been shown thatTodgers's can be true to itself; and that, an opportunity arising, itcan come out quite as strong as its neighbours--perhaps stronger. Hereminds them, amidst thunders of encouragement, that they have heard ofa somewhat similar establishment in Cannon Street; and that they haveheard it praised. He wishes to draw no invidious comparisons; he wouldbe the last man to do it; but when that Cannon Street establishmentshall be able to produce such a combination of wit and beauty as hasgraced that board that day, and shall be able to serve up (all thingsconsidered) such a dinner as that of which they have just partaken, hewill be happy to talk to it. Until then, gentlemen, he will stick toTodgers's.

  More punch, more enthusiasm, more speeches. Everybody's health is drunk,saving the youngest gentleman's in company. He sits apart, with hiselbow on the back of a vacant chair, and glares disdainfully at Jinkins.Gander, in a convulsing speech, gives them the health of Bailey junior;hiccups are heard; and a glass is broken. Mr Jinkins feels that it istime to join the ladies. He proposes, as a final sentiment, Mrs Todgers.She is worthy to be remembered separately. Hear, hear. So she is; nodoubt of it. They all find fault with her at other times; but every manfeels now, that he could die in her defence.

  They go upstairs, where they are not expected so soon; for Mrs Todgersis asleep, Miss Charity is adjusting her hair, and Mercy, who has madea sofa of one of the window-seats is in a gracefully recumbent attitude.She is rising hastily, when Mr Jinkins implores her, for all theirsakes, not to stir; she looks too graceful and too lovely, he remarks,to be disturbed. She laughs, and yields, and fans herself, and dropsher fan, and there is a rush to pick it up. Being now installed, by oneconsent, as the beauty of the party, she is cruel and capricious, andsends gentlemen on messages to other gentlemen, and forgets all aboutthem before they can return with the answer, and invents a thousandtortures, rending their hearts to pieces. Bailey brings up the tea andcoffee. There is a small cluster of admirers round Charity; but theyare only those who cannot get near her sister. The youngest gentlemanin company is pale, but collected, and still sits apart; for his spiritloves to hold communion with itself, and his soul recoils from noisyrevellers. She has a consciousness of his presence and adoration.He sees it flashing sometimes in the corner of her eye. Have a care,Jinkins, ere you provoke a desperate man to frenzy!

  Mr Pecksniff had followed his younger friends upstairs, and taken achair at the side of Mrs Todgers. He had also spilt a cup of coffee overhis legs without appearing to be aware of the circumstance; nor did heseem to know that there was muffin
on his knee.

  'And how have they used you downstairs, sir?' asked the hostess.

  'Their conduct has been such, my dear madam,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'as Ican never think of without emotion, or remember without a tear. Oh, MrsTodgers!'

  'My goodness!' exclaimed that lady. 'How low you are in your spirits,sir!'

  'I am a man, my dear madam,' said Mr Pecksniff, shedding tears andspeaking with an imperfect articulation, 'but I am also a father. Iam also a widower. My feelings, Mrs Todgers, will not consent to beentirely smothered, like the young children in the Tower. They are grownup, and the more I press the bolster on them, the more they look roundthe corner of it.'

  He suddenly became conscious of the bit of muffin, and stared at itintently; shaking his head the while, in a forlorn and imbecile manner,as if he regarded it as his evil genius, and mildly reproached it.

  'She was beautiful, Mrs Todgers,' he said, turning his glazed eyeagain upon her, without the least preliminary notice. 'She had a smallproperty.'

  'So I have heard,' cried Mrs Todgers with great sympathy.

  'Those are her daughters,' said Mr Pecksniff, pointing out the youngladies, with increased emotion.

  Mrs Todgers had no doubt about it.

  'Mercy and Charity,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'Charity and Mercy. Not unholynames, I hope?'

  'Mr Pecksniff!' cried Mrs Todgers. 'What a ghastly smile! Are you ill,sir?'

  He pressed his hand upon her arm, and answered in a solemn manner, and afaint voice, 'Chronic.'

  'Cholic?' cried the frightened Mrs Todgers.

  'Chron-ic,' he repeated with some difficulty. 'Chron-ic. A chronicdisorder. I have been its victim from childhood. It is carrying me to mygrave.'

  'Heaven forbid!' cried Mrs Todgers.

  'Yes, it is,' said Mr Pecksniff, reckless with despair. 'I am ratherglad of it, upon the whole. You are like her, Mrs Todgers.'

  'Don't squeeze me so tight, pray, Mr Pecksniff. If any of the gentlemenshould notice us.'

  'For her sake,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Permit me--in honour of her memory.For the sake of a voice from the tomb. You are VERY like her MrsTodgers! What a world this is!'

  'Ah! Indeed you may say that!' cried Mrs Todgers.

  'I'm afraid it is a vain and thoughtless world,' said Mr Pecksniff,overflowing with despondency. 'These young people about us. Oh! whatsense have they of their responsibilities? None. Give me your otherhand, Mrs Todgers.'

  The lady hesitated, and said 'she didn't like.'

  'Has a voice from the grave no influence?' said Mr Pecksniff, with,dismal tenderness. 'This is irreligious! My dear creature.'

  'Hush!' urged Mrs Todgers. 'Really you mustn't.'

  'It's not me,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Don't suppose it's me; it's thevoice; it's her voice.'

  Mrs Pecksniff deceased, must have had an unusually thick and husky voicefor a lady, and rather a stuttering voice, and to say the truth somewhatof a drunken voice, if it had ever borne much resemblance to that inwhich Mr Pecksniff spoke just then. But perhaps this was delusion on hispart.

  'It has been a day of enjoyment, Mrs Todgers, but still it has been aday of torture. It has reminded me of my loneliness. What am I in theworld?'

  'An excellent gentleman, Mr Pecksniff,' said Mrs Todgers.

  'There is consolation in that too,' cried Mr Pecksniff. 'Am I?'

  'There is no better man living,' said Mrs Todgers, 'I am sure.'

  Mr Pecksniff smiled through his tears, and slightly shook his head. 'Youare very good,' he said, 'thank you. It is a great happiness to me, MrsTodgers, to make young people happy. The happiness of my pupils is mychief object. I dote upon 'em. They dote upon me too--sometimes.'

  'Always,' said Mrs Todgers.

  'When they say they haven't improved, ma'am,' whispered Mr Pecksniff,looking at her with profound mystery, and motioning to her to advanceher ear a little closer to his mouth. 'When they say they haven'timproved, ma'am, and the premium was too high, they lie! I shouldn'twish it to be mentioned; you will understand me; but I say to you as toan old friend, they lie.'

  'Base wretches they must be!' said Mrs Todgers.

  'Madam,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'you are right. I respect you for thatobservation. A word in your ear. To Parents and Guardians. This is inconfidence, Mrs Todgers?'

  'The strictest, of course!' cried that lady.

  'To Parents and Guardians,' repeated Mr Pecksniff. 'An eligibleopportunity now offers, which unites the advantages of the bestpractical architectural education with the comforts of a home, and theconstant association with some, who, however humble their sphere andlimited their capacity--observe!--are not unmindful of their moralresponsibilities.'

  Mrs Todgers looked a little puzzled to know what this might mean, aswell she might; for it was, as the reader may perchance remember, MrPecksniff's usual form of advertisement when he wanted a pupil; andseemed to have no particular reference, at present, to anything. But MrPecksniff held up his finger as a caution to her not to interrupt him.

  'Do you know any parent or guardian, Mrs Todgers,' said Mr Pecksniff,'who desires to avail himself of such an opportunity for a younggentleman? An orphan would be preferred. Do you know of any orphan withthree or four hundred pound?'

  Mrs Todgers reflected, and shook her head.

  'When you hear of an orphan with three or four hundred pound,' said MrPecksniff, 'let that dear orphan's friends apply, by letter post-paid,to S. P., Post Office, Salisbury. I don't know who he is exactly. Don'tbe alarmed, Mrs Todgers,' said Mr Pecksniff, falling heavily againsther; 'Chronic--chronic! Let's have a little drop of something to drink.'

  'Bless my life, Miss Pecksniffs!' cried Mrs Todgers, aloud, 'your dearpa's took very poorly!'

  Mr Pecksniff straightened himself by a surprising effort, as everyone turned hastily towards him; and standing on his feet, regarded theassembly with a look of ineffable wisdom. Gradually it gave place toa smile; a feeble, helpless, melancholy smile; bland, almost tosickliness. 'Do not repine, my friends,' said Mr Pecksniff, tenderly.'Do not weep for me. It is chronic.' And with these words, after makinga futile attempt to pull off his shoes, he fell into the fireplace.

  The youngest gentleman in company had him out in a second. Yes, before ahair upon his head was singed, he had him on the hearth-rug--her father!

  She was almost beside herself. So was her sister. Jinkins consoled themboth. They all consoled them. Everybody had something to say, except theyoungest gentleman in company, who with a noble self-devotion did theheavy work, and held up Mr Pecksniff's head without being taken noticeof by anybody. At last they gathered round, and agreed to carry himupstairs to bed. The youngest gentleman in company was rebuked byJinkins for tearing Mr Pecksniff's coat! Ha, ha! But no matter.

  They carried him upstairs, and crushed the youngest gentleman at everystep. His bedroom was at the top of the house, and it was a long way;but they got him there in course of time. He asked them frequentlyon the road for a little drop of something to drink. It seemed anidiosyncrasy. The youngest gentleman in company proposed a draught ofwater. Mr Pecksniff called him opprobious names for the suggestion.

  Jinkins and Gander took the rest upon themselves, and made him ascomfortable as they could, on the outside of his bed; and when he seemeddisposed to sleep, they left him. But before they had all gained thebottom of the staircase, a vision of Mr Pecksniff, strangely attired,was seen to flutter on the top landing. He desired to collect theirsentiments, it seemed, upon the nature of human life.

  'My friends,' cried Mr Pecksniff, looking over the banisters, 'let usimprove our minds by mutual inquiry and discussion. Let us be moral. Letus contemplate existence. Where is Jinkins?'

  'Here,' cried that gentleman. 'Go to bed again'

  'To bed!' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Bed! 'Tis the voice of the sluggard, Ihear him complain, you have woke me too soon, I must slumber again. Ifany young orphan will repeat the remainder of that simple piece fromDoctor Watts's collection, an eligible opportunity now offers.'

  Nobody voluntee
red.

  'This is very soothing,' said Mr Pecksniff, after a pause. 'Extremelyso. Cool and refreshing; particularly to the legs! The legs of thehuman subject, my friends, are a beautiful production. Compare them withwooden legs, and observe the difference between the anatomy of natureand the anatomy of art. Do you know,' said Mr Pecksniff, leaning overthe banisters, with an odd recollection of his familiar manner amongnew pupils at home, 'that I should very much like to see Mrs Todgers'snotion of a wooden leg, if perfectly agreeable to herself!'

  As it appeared impossible to entertain any reasonable hopes of him afterthis speech, Mr Jinkins and Mr Gander went upstairs again, and once moregot him into bed. But they had not descended to the second floor beforehe was out again; nor, when they had repeated the process, had theydescended the first flight, before he was out again. In a word, as oftenas he was shut up in his own room, he darted out afresh, chargedwith some new moral sentiment, which he continually repeated over thebanisters, with extraordinary relish, and an irrepressible desire forthe improvement of his fellow creatures that nothing could subdue.

  Under these circumstances, when they had got him into bed for thethirtieth time or so, Mr Jinkins held him, while his companion wentdownstairs in search of Bailey junior, with whom he presently returned.That youth having been apprised of the service required of him, was ingreat spirits, and brought up a stool, a candle, and his supper; to theend that he might keep watch outside the bedroom door with tolerablecomfort.

  When he had completed his arrangements, they locked Mr Pecksniff in,and left the key on the outside; charging the young page to listenattentively for symptoms of an apoplectic nature, with which the patientmight be troubled, and, in case of any such presenting themselves, tosummon them without delay. To which Mr Bailey modestly replied that'he hoped he knowed wot o'clock it wos in gineral, and didn't date hisletters to his friends from Todgers's for nothing.'