Martin Chuzzlewit

  CHAPTER FOUR

  FROM WHICH IT WILL APPEAR THAT IF UNION BE STRENGTH, AND FAMILYAFFECTION BE PLEASANT TO CONTEMPLATE, THE CHUZZLEWITS WERE THE STRONGESTAND MOST AGREEABLE FAMILY IN THE WORLD

  That worthy man Mr Pecksniff having taken leave of his cousin in thesolemn terms recited in the last chapter, withdrew to his own home, andremained there three whole days; not so much as going out for a walkbeyond the boundaries of his own garden, lest he should be hastilysummoned to the bedside of his penitent and remorseful relative,whom, in his ample benevolence, he had made up his mind to forgiveunconditionally, and to love on any terms. But such was the obstinacyand such the bitter nature of that stern old man, that no repentantsummons came; and the fourth day found Mr Pecksniff apparently muchfarther from his Christian object than the first.

  During the whole of this interval, he haunted the Dragon at all timesand seasons in the day and night, and, returning good for evil evincedthe deepest solicitude in the progress of the obdurate invalid, in somuch that Mrs Lupin was fairly melted by his disinterested anxiety (forhe often particularly required her to take notice that he would do thesame by any stranger or pauper in the like condition), and shed manytears of admiration and delight.

  Meantime, old Martin Chuzzlewit remained shut up in his own chamber, andsaw no person but his young companion, saving the hostess of the BlueDragon, who was, at certain times, admitted to his presence. So surelyas she came into the room, however, Martin feigned to fall asleep. Itwas only when he and the young lady were alone, that he would utter aword, even in answer to the simplest inquiry; though Mr Pecksniffcould make out, by hard listening at the door, that they two being lefttogether, he was talkative enough.

  It happened on the fourth evening, that Mr Pecksniff walking, as usual,into the bar of the Dragon and finding no Mrs Lupin there, went straightupstairs; purposing, in the fervour of his affectionate zeal, to applyhis ear once more to the keyhole, and quiet his mind by assuring himselfthat the hard-hearted patient was going on well. It happened that MrPecksniff, coming softly upon the dark passage into which a spiral rayof light usually darted through the same keyhole, was astonished to findno such ray visible; and it happened that Mr Pecksniff, when he had felthis way to the chamber-door, stooping hurriedly down to ascertain bypersonal inspection whether the jealousy of the old man had caused thiskeyhole to be stopped on the inside, brought his head into such violentcontact with another head that he could not help uttering in an audiblevoice the monosyllable 'Oh!' which was, as it were, sharply unscrewedand jerked out of him by very anguish. It happened then, and lastly,that Mr Pecksniff found himself immediately collared by something whichsmelt like several damp umbrellas, a barrel of beer, a cask of warmbrandy-and-water, and a small parlour-full of stale tobacco smoke,mixed; and was straightway led downstairs into the bar from which hehad lately come, where he found himself standing opposite to, and inthe grasp of, a perfectly strange gentleman of still stranger appearancewho, with his disengaged hand, rubbed his own head very hard, and lookedat him, Pecksniff, with an evil countenance.

  The gentleman was of that order of appearance which is currently termedshabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly be said tohave been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long way out of hisgloves, and the soles of his feet were at an inconvenient distance fromthe upper leather of his boots. His nether garments were of abluish grey--violent in its colours once, but sobered now by age anddinginess--and were so stretched and strained in a tough conflictbetween his braces and his straps, that they appeared every moment indanger of flying asunder at the knees. His coat, in colour blue and ofa military cut, was buttoned and frogged up to his chin. His cravat was,in hue and pattern, like one of those mantles which hairdressers areaccustomed to wrap about their clients, during the progress of theprofessional mysteries. His hat had arrived at such a pass that it wouldhave been hard to determine whether it was originally white or black.But he wore a moustache--a shaggy moustache too; nothing in the meek andmerciful way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style; the regularSatanic sort of thing--and he wore, besides, a vast quantity ofunbrushed hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and verymean; very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who mighthave been something better, and unspeakably like a man who deserved tobe something worse.

  'You were eaves-dropping at that door, you vagabond!' said thisgentleman.

  Mr Pecksniff cast him off, as Saint George might have repudiated theDragon in that animal's last moments, and said:

  'Where is Mrs Lupin, I wonder! can the good woman possibly be aware thatthere is a person here who--'

  'Stay!' said the gentleman. 'Wait a bit. She DOES know. What then?'

  'What then, sir?' cried Mr Pecksniff. 'What then? Do you know, sir,that I am the friend and relative of that sick gentleman? That I am hisprotector, his guardian, his--'

  'Not his niece's husband,' interposed the stranger, 'I'll be sworn; forhe was there before you.'

  'What do you mean?' said Mr Pecksniff, with indignant surprise. 'What doyou tell me, sir?'

  'Wait a bit!' cried the other, 'Perhaps you are a cousin--the cousin wholives in this place?'

  'I AM the cousin who lives in this place,' replied the man of worth.

  'Your name is Pecksniff?' said the gentleman.

  'It is.'

  'I am proud to know you, and I ask your pardon,' said the gentleman,touching his hat, and subsequently diving behind his cravat for ashirt-collar, which however he did not succeed in bringing to thesurface. 'You behold in me, sir, one who has also an interest in thatgentleman upstairs. Wait a bit.'

  As he said this, he touched the tip of his high nose, by way ofintimation that he would let Mr Pecksniff into a secret presently; andpulling off his hat, began to search inside the crown among a mass ofcrumpled documents and small pieces of what may be called the bark ofbroken cigars; whence he presently selected the cover of an old letter,begrimed with dirt and redolent of tobacco.

  'Read that,' he cried, giving it to Mr Pecksniff.

  'This is addressed to Chevy Slyme, Esquire,' said that gentleman.

  'You know Chevy Slyme, Esquire, I believe?' returned the stranger.

  Mr Pecksniff shrugged his shoulders as though he would say 'I know thereis such a person, and I am sorry for it.'

  'Very good,' remarked the gentleman. 'That is my interest and businesshere.' With that he made another dive for his shirt-collar and broughtup a string.

  'Now, this is very distressing, my friend,' said Mr Pecksniff, shakinghis head and smiling composedly. 'It is very distressing to me, to becompelled to say that you are not the person you claim to be. I know MrSlyme, my friend; this will not do; honesty is the best policy you hadbetter not; you had indeed.'

  'Stop' cried the gentleman, stretching forth his right arm, which wasso tightly wedged into his threadbare sleeve that it looked like a clothsausage. 'Wait a bit!'

  He paused to establish himself immediately in front of the fire with hisback towards it. Then gathering the skirts of his coat under his leftarm, and smoothing his moustache with his right thumb and forefinger, heresumed:

  'I understand your mistake, and I am not offended. Why? Because it'scomplimentary. You suppose I would set myself up for Chevy Slyme.Sir, if there is a man on earth whom a gentleman would feel proud andhonoured to be mistaken for, that man is my friend Slyme. For he is,without an exception, the highest-minded, the most independent-spirited,most original, spiritual, classical, talented, the most thoroughlyShakspearian, if not Miltonic, and at the same time the mostdisgustingly-unappreciated dog I know. But, sir, I have not the vanityto attempt to pass for Slyme. Any other man in the wide world, I amequal to; but Slyme is, I frankly confess, a great many cuts above me.Therefore you are wrong.'

  'I judged from this,' said Mr Pecksniff, holding out the cover of theletter.

  'No doubt you did,' returned the gentleman. 'But, Mr Pecksniff, thewhole thing resolves itself into an instance of the peculiaritiesof geniu
s. Every man of true genius has his peculiarity. Sir, thepeculiarity of my friend Slyme is, that he is always waiting round thecorner. He is perpetually round the corner, sir. He is round the cornerat this instant. Now,' said the gentleman, shaking his forefinger beforehis nose, and planting his legs wider apart as he looked attentively inMr Pecksniff's face, 'that is a remarkably curious and interesting traitin Mr Slyme's character; and whenever Slyme's life comes to be written,that trait must be thoroughly worked out by his biographer or societywill not be satisfied. Observe me, society will not be satisfied!'

  Mr Pecksniff coughed.

  'Slyme's biographer, sir, whoever he may be,' resumed the gentleman,'must apply to me; or, if I am gone to that what's-his-name from whichno thingumbob comes back, he must apply to my executors for leave tosearch among my papers. I have taken a few notes in my poor way, of someof that man's proceedings--my adopted brother, sir,--which would amazeyou. He made use of an expression, sir, only on the fifteenth of lastmonth when he couldn't meet a little bill and the other party wouldn'trenew, which would have done honour to Napoleon Bonaparte in addressingthe French army.'

  'And pray,' asked Mr Pecksniff, obviously not quite at his ease, 'whatmay be Mr Slyme's business here, if I may be permitted to inquire, whoam compelled by a regard for my own character to disavow all interest inhis proceedings?'

  'In the first place,' returned the gentleman, 'you will permit me tosay, that I object to that remark, and that I strongly and indignantlyprotest against it on behalf of my friend Slyme. In the next place, youwill give me leave to introduce myself. My name, sir, is Tigg. The nameof Montague Tigg will perhaps be familiar to you, in connection with themost remarkable events of the Peninsular War?'

  Mr Pecksniff gently shook his head.

  'No matter,' said the gentleman. 'That man was my father, and I bear hisname. I am consequently proud--proud as Lucifer. Excuse me one moment.I desire my friend Slyme to be present at the remainder of thisconference.'

  With this announcement he hurried away to the outer door of the BlueDragon, and almost immediately returned with a companion shorter thanhimself, who was wrapped in an old blue camlet cloak with a lining offaded scarlet. His sharp features being much pinched and nipped by longwaiting in the cold, and his straggling red whiskers and frowzy hairbeing more than usually dishevelled from the same cause, he certainlylooked rather unwholesome and uncomfortable than Shakspearian orMiltonic.

  'Now,' said Mr Tigg, clapping one hand on the shoulder of hisprepossessing friend, and calling Mr Pecksniff's attention to him withthe other, 'you two are related; and relations never did agree, andnever will; which is a wise dispensation and an inevitable thing, orthere would be none but family parties, and everybody in the worldwould bore everybody else to death. If you were on good terms, I shouldconsider you a most confoundedly unnatural pair; but standingtowards each other as you do, I took upon you as a couple of devilishdeep-thoughted fellows, who may be reasoned with to any extent.'

  Here Mr Chevy Slyme, whose great abilities seemed one and all to pointtowards the sneaking quarter of the moral compass, nudged his friendstealthily with his elbow, and whispered in his ear.

  'Chiv,' said Mr Tigg aloud, in the high tone of one who was not tobe tampered with. 'I shall come to that presently. I act upon my ownresponsibility, or not at all. To the extent of such a trifling loanas a crownpiece to a man of your talents, I look upon Mr Pecksniffas certain;' and seeing at this juncture that the expression of MrPecksniff's face by no means betokened that he shared this certainty, MrTigg laid his finger on his nose again for that gentleman's privateand especial behoof; calling upon him thereby to take notice that therequisition of small loans was another instance of the peculiarities ofgenius as developed in his friend Slyme; that he, Tigg, winked at thesame, because of the strong metaphysical interest which these weaknessespossessed; and that in reference to his own personal advocacy of suchsmall advances, he merely consulted the humour of his friend, withoutthe least regard to his own advantage or necessities.

  'Oh, Chiv, Chiv!' added Mr Tigg, surveying his adopted brother with anair of profound contemplation after dismissing this piece of pantomime.'You are, upon my life, a strange instance of the little frailties thatbeset a mighty mind. If there had never been a telescope in the world,I should have been quite certain from my observation of you, Chiv,that there were spots on the sun! I wish I may die, if this isn't thequeerest state of existence that we find ourselves forced into withoutknowing why or wherefore, Mr Pecksniff! Well, never mind! Moralise as wewill, the world goes on. As Hamlet says, Hercules may lay about him withhis club in every possible direction, but he can't prevent the cats frommaking a most intolerable row on the roofs of the houses, or thedogs from being shot in the hot weather if they run about the streetsunmuzzled. Life's a riddle; a most infernally hard riddle to guess, MrPecksniff. My own opinions, that like that celebrated conundrum, "Why'sa man in jail like a man out of jail?" there's no answer to it. Upon mysoul and body, it's the queerest sort of thing altogether--but there'sno use in talking about it. Ha! Ha!'

  With which consolatory deduction from the gloomy premises recited,Mr Tigg roused himself by a great effort, and proceeded in his formerstrain.

  'Now I'll tell you what it is. I'm a most confoundedly soft-heartedkind of fellow in my way, and I cannot stand by, and see you two bladescutting each other's throats when there's nothing to be got by it. MrPecksniff, you're the cousin of the testator upstairs and we're thenephew--I say we, meaning Chiv. Perhaps in all essential points you aremore nearly related to him than we are. Very good. If so, so be it. Butyou can't get at him, neither can we. I give you my brightest word ofhonour, sir, that I've been looking through that keyhole with shortintervals of rest, ever since nine o'clock this morning, in expectationof receiving an answer to one of the most moderate and gentlemanlyapplications for a little temporary assistance--only fifteen pounds, andMY security--that the mind of man can conceive. In the meantime, sir, heis perpetually closeted with, and pouring his whole confidence into thebosom of, a stranger. Now I say decisively with regard to this state ofcircumstances, that it won't do; that it won't act; that it can't be;and that it must not be suffered to continue.'

  'Every man,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'has a right, an undoubted right, (whichI, for one, would not call in question for any earthly consideration; ohno!) to regulate his own proceedings by his own likings and dislikings,supposing they are not immoral and not irreligious. I may feel in myown breast, that Mr Chuzzlewit does not regard--me, for instance; sayme--with exactly that amount of Christian love which should subsistbetween us. I may feel grieved and hurt at the circumstance; still Imay not rush to the conclusion that Mr Chuzzlewit is wholly without ajustification in all his coldnesses. Heaven forbid! Besides; how, MrTigg,' continued Pecksniff even more gravely and impressively than hehad spoken yet, 'how could Mr Chuzzlewit be prevented from having thesepeculiar and most extraordinary confidences of which you speak; theexistence of which I must admit; and which I cannot but deplore--forhis sake? Consider, my good sir--' and here Mr Pecksniff eyed himwistfully--'how very much at random you are talking.'

  'Why, as to that,' rejoined Tigg, 'it certainly is a difficultquestion.'

  'Undoubtedly it is a difficult question,' Mr Pecksniff answered. As hespoke he drew himself aloft, and seemed to grow more mindful, suddenly,of the moral gulf between himself and the creature he addressed.'Undoubtedly it is a very difficult question. And I am far from feelingsure that it is a question any one is authorized to discuss. Goodevening to you.'

  'You don't know that the Spottletoes are here, I suppose?' said Mr Tigg.

  'What do you mean, sir? what Spottletoes?' asked Pecksniff, stoppingabruptly on his way to the door.

  'Mr and Mrs Spottletoe,' said Chevy Slyme, Esquire, speaking aloud forthe first time, and speaking very sulkily; shambling with his legs thewhile. 'Spottletoe married my father's brother's child, didn't he?And Mrs Spottletoe is Chuzzlewit's own niece, isn't she? She was hisfavourite once. You may well
ask what Spottletoes.'

  'Now upon my sacred word!' cried Mr Pecksniff, looking upwards. 'This isdreadful. The rapacity of these people is absolutely frightful!'

  'It's not only the Spottletoes either, Tigg,' said Slyme, looking atthat gentleman and speaking at Mr Pecksniff. 'Anthony Chuzzlewit and hisson have got wind of it, and have come down this afternoon. I saw 'emnot five minutes ago, when I was waiting round the corner.'

  'Oh, Mammon, Mammon!' cried Mr Pecksniff, smiting his forehead.

  'So there,' said Slyme, regardless of the interruption, 'are his brotherand another nephew for you, already.'

  'This is the whole thing, sir,' said Mr Tigg; 'this is the point andpurpose at which I was gradually arriving when my friend Slyme here,with six words, hit it full. Mr Pecksniff, now that your cousin (andChiv's uncle) has turned up, some steps must be taken to prevent hisdisappearing again; and, if possible, to counteract the influence whichis exercised over him now, by this designing favourite. Everybody whois interested feels it, sir. The whole family is pouring down to thisplace. The time has come when individual jealousies and interests mustbe forgotten for a time, sir, and union must be made against thecommon enemy. When the common enemy is routed, you will all set up foryourselves again; every lady and gentleman who has a part in the game,will go in on their own account and bowl away, to the best of theirability, at the testator's wicket, and nobody will be in a worseposition than before. Think of it. Don't commit yourself now. You'llfind us at the Half Moon and Seven Stars in this village, at any time,and open to any reasonable proposition. Hem! Chiv, my dear fellow, goout and see what sort of a night it is.'

  Mr Slyme lost no time in disappearing, and it is to be presumed in goinground the corner. Mr Tigg, planting his legs as wide apart as he couldbe reasonably expected by the most sanguine man to keep them, shook hishead at Mr Pecksniff and smiled.

  'We must not be too hard,' he said, 'upon the little eccentricities ofour friend Slyme. You saw him whisper me?'

  Mr Pecksniff had seen him.

  'You heard my answer, I think?'

  Mr Pecksniff had heard it.

  'Five shillings, eh?' said Mr Tigg, thoughtfully. 'Ah! what anextraordinary fellow! Very moderate too!'

  Mr Pecksniff made no answer.

  'Five shillings!' pursued Mr Tigg, musing; 'and to be punctually repaidnext week; that's the best of it. You heard that?'

  Mr Pecksniff had not heard that.

  'No! You surprise me!' cried Tigg. 'That's the cream of the thing sir. Inever knew that man fail to redeem a promise, in my life. You're not inwant of change, are you?'

  'No,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'thank you. Not at all.'

  'Just so,' returned Mr Tigg. 'If you had been, I'd have got it for you.'With that he began to whistle; but a dozen seconds had not elapsed whenhe stopped short, and looking earnestly at Mr Pecksniff, said:

  'Perhaps you'd rather not lend Slyme five shillings?'

  'I would much rather not,' Mr Pecksniff rejoined.

  'Egad!' cried Tigg, gravely nodding his head as if some ground ofobjection occurred to him at that moment for the first time, 'it'svery possible you may be right. Would you entertain the same sort ofobjection to lending me five shillings now?'

  'Yes, I couldn't do it, indeed,' said Mr Pecksniff.

  'Not even half-a-crown, perhaps?' urged Mr Tigg.

  'Not even half-a-crown.'

  'Why, then we come,' said Mr Tigg, 'to the ridiculously small amount ofeighteen pence. Ha! ha!'

  'And that,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'would be equally objectionable.'

  On receipt of this assurance, Mr Tigg shook him heartily by both hands,protesting with much earnestness, that he was one of the most consistentand remarkable men he had ever met, and that he desired the honourof his better acquaintance. He moreover observed that there were manylittle characteristics about his friend Slyme, of which he could by nomeans, as a man of strict honour, approve; but that he was prepared toforgive him all these slight drawbacks, and much more, in considerationof the great pleasure he himself had that day enjoyed in his socialintercourse with Mr Pecksniff, which had given him a far higher and moreenduring delight than the successful negotiation of any small loan onthe part of his friend could possibly have imparted. With which remarkshe would beg leave, he said, to wish Mr Pecksniff a very good evening.And so he took himself off; as little abashed by his recent failure asany gentleman would desire to be.

  The meditations of Mr Pecksniff that evening at the bar of the Dragon,and that night in his own house, were very serious and grave indeed; themore especially as the intelligence he had received from Messrs Tigg andSlyme touching the arrival of other members of the family, were fullyconfirmed on more particular inquiry. For the Spottletoes had actuallygone straight to the Dragon, where they were at that moment housed andmounting guard, and where their appearance had occasioned such a vastsensation that Mrs Lupin, scenting their errand before they had beenunder her roof half an hour, carried the news herself with all possiblesecrecy straight to Mr Pecksniff's house; indeed it was her greatcaution in doing so which occasioned her to miss that gentleman, whoentered at the front door of the Dragon just as she emerged fromthe back one. Moreover, Mr Anthony Chuzzlewit and his son Jonas wereeconomically quartered at the Half Moon and Seven Stars, which was anobscure ale-house; and by the very next coach there came posting to thescene of action, so many other affectionate members of the family (whoquarrelled with each other, inside and out, all the way down, to theutter distraction of the coachman), that in less than four-and-twentyhours the scanty tavern accommodation was at a premium, and all theprivate lodgings in the place, amounting to full four beds and sofa,rose cent per cent in the market.

  In a word, things came to that pass that nearly the whole family satdown before the Blue Dragon, and formally invested it; and MartinChuzzlewit was in a state of siege. But he resisted bravely; refusingto receive all letters, messages, and parcels; obstinately declining totreat with anybody; and holding out no hope or promise of capitulation.Meantime the family forces were perpetually encountering each otherin divers parts of the neighbourhood; and, as no one branch of theChuzzlewit tree had ever been known to agree with another within thememory of man, there was such a skirmishing, and flouting, and snappingoff of heads, in the metaphorical sense of that expression; such abandying of words and calling of names; such an upturning of noses andwrinkling of brows; such a formal interment of good feelings and violentresurrection of ancient grievances; as had never been known in thosequiet parts since the earliest record of their civilized existence.

  At length, in utter despair and hopelessness, some few of thebelligerents began to speak to each other in only moderate terms ofmutual aggravation; and nearly all addressed themselves with a show oftolerable decency to Mr Pecksniff, in recognition of his high characterand influential position. Thus, by little and little, they made commoncause of Martin Chuzzlewit's obduracy, until it was agreed (if such aword can be used in connection with the Chuzzlewits) that there shouldbe a general council and conference held at Mr Pecksniff's house upona certain day at noon; which all members of the family who had broughtthemselves within reach of the summons, were forthwith bidden andinvited, solemnly, to attend.

  If ever Mr Pecksniff wore an apostolic look, he wore it on thismemorable day. If ever his unruffled smile proclaimed the words, 'I ama messenger of peace!' that was its mission now. If ever man combinedwithin himself all the mild qualities of the lamb with a considerabletouch of the dove, and not a dash of the crocodile, or the leastpossible suggestion of the very mildest seasoning of the serpent, thatman was he. And, oh, the two Miss Pecksniffs! Oh, the serene expressionon the face of Charity, which seemed to say, 'I know that all my familyhave injured me beyond the possibility of reparation, but I forgivethem, for it is my duty so to do!' And, oh, the gay simplicity of Mercy;so charming, innocent, and infant-like, that if she had gone outwalking by herself, and it had been a little earlier in the season, therobin-redbreasts might have covered her with leaves a
gainst her will,believing her to be one of the sweet children in the wood, come out ofit, and issuing forth once more to look for blackberries in the youngfreshness of her heart! What words can paint the Pecksniffs in thattrying hour? Oh, none; for words have naughty company among them, andthe Pecksniffs were all goodness.

  But when the company arrived! That was the time. When Mr Pecksniff,rising from his seat at the table's head, with a daughter on eitherhand, received his guests in the best parlour and motioned them tochairs, with eyes so overflowing and countenance so damp with graciousperspiration, that he may be said to have been in a kind of moistmeekness! And the company; the jealous stony-hearted distrustfulcompany, who were all shut up in themselves, and had no faith inanybody, and wouldn't believe anything, and would no more allowthemselves to be softened or lulled asleep by the Pecksniffs than ifthey had been so many hedgehogs or porcupines!

  First, there was Mr Spottletoe, who was so bald and had such bigwhiskers, that he seemed to have stopped his hair, by the suddenapplication of some powerful remedy, in the very act of falling off hishead, and to have fastened it irrevocably on his face. Then there wasMrs Spottletoe, who being much too slim for her years, and of a poeticalconstitution, was accustomed to inform her more intimate friends thatthe said whiskers were 'the lodestar of her existence;' and who couldnow, by reason of her strong affection for her uncle Chuzzlewit, and theshock it gave her to be suspected of testamentary designs upon him, donothing but cry--except moan. Then there were Anthony Chuzzlewit, andhis son Jonas; the face of the old man so sharpened by the wariness andcunning of his life, that it seemed to cut him a passage through thecrowded room, as he edged away behind the remotest chairs; while the sonhad so well profited by the precept and example of the father, that helooked a year or two the elder of the twain, as they stood winking theirred eyes, side by side, and whispering to each other softly. Then therewas the widow of a deceased brother of Mr Martin Chuzzlewit, who beingalmost supernaturally disagreeable, and having a dreary face and a bonyfigure and a masculine voice, was, in right of these qualities, what iscommonly called a strong-minded woman; and who, if she could, would haveestablished her claim to the title, and have shown herself, mentallyspeaking, a perfect Samson, by shutting up her brother-in-law in aprivate madhouse, until he proved his complete sanity by loving her verymuch. Beside her sat her spinster daughters, three in number, and ofgentlemanly deportment, who had so mortified themselves with tightstays, that their tempers were reduced to something less than theirwaists, and sharp lacing was expressed in their very noses. Then therewas a young gentleman, grandnephew of Mr Martin Chuzzlewit, very darkand very hairy, and apparently born for no particular purpose but tosave looking-glasses the trouble of reflecting more than just the firstidea and sketchy notion of a face, which had never been carried out.Then there was a solitary female cousin who was remarkable for nothingbut being very deaf, and living by herself, and always having thetoothache. Then there was George Chuzzlewit, a gay bachelor cousin,who claimed to be young but had been younger, and was inclined tocorpulency, and rather overfed himself; to that extent, indeed, that hiseyes were strained in their sockets, as if with constant surprise; andhe had such an obvious disposition to pimples, that the bright spots onhis cravat, the rich pattern on his waistcoat, and even his glitteringtrinkets, seemed to have broken out upon him, and not to have come intoexistence comfortably. Last of all there were present Mr Chevy Slyme andhis friend Tigg. And it is worthy of remark, that although each personpresent disliked the other, mainly because he or she DID belong to thefamily, they one and all concurred in hating Mr Tigg because he didn't.

  Such was the pleasant little family circle now assembled in MrPecksniff's best parlour, agreeably prepared to fall foul of MrPecksniff or anybody else who might venture to say anything whateverupon any subject.

  'This,' said Mr Pecksniff, rising and looking round upon them withfolded hands, 'does me good. It does my daughters good. We thank you forassembling here. We are grateful to you with our whole hearts. It is ablessed distinction that you have conferred upon us, and believe me'--itis impossible to conceive how he smiled here--'we shall not easilyforget it.'

  'I am sorry to interrupt you, Pecksniff,' remarked Mr Spottletoe, withhis whiskers in a very portentous state; 'but you are assuming too muchto yourself, sir. Who do you imagine has it in contemplation to confer adistinction upon YOU, sir?'

  A general murmur echoed this inquiry, and applauded it.

  'If you are about to pursue the course with which you have begun, sir,'pursued Mr Spottletoe in a great heat, and giving a violent rap onthe table with his knuckles, 'the sooner you desist, and this assemblyseparates, the better. I am no stranger, sir, to your preposterousdesire to be regarded as the head of this family, but I can tell YOU,sir--'

  Oh yes, indeed! HE tell. HE! What? He was the head, was he? From thestrong-minded woman downwards everybody fell, that instant, upon MrSpottletoe, who after vainly attempting to be heard in silence wasfain to sit down again, folding his arms and shaking his head mostwrathfully, and giving Mrs Spottletoe to understand in dumb show, thatthat scoundrel Pecksniff might go on for the present, but he would cutin presently, and annihilate him.

  'I am not sorry,' said Mr Pecksniff in resumption of his address, 'I amreally not sorry that this little incident has happened. It is good tofeel that we are met here without disguise. It is good to know that wehave no reserve before each other, but are appearing freely in our owncharacters.'

  Here, the eldest daughter of the strong-minded woman rose a little wayfrom her seat, and trembling violently from head to foot, more as itseemed with passion than timidity, expressed a general hope that somepeople WOULD appear in their own characters, if it were only for sucha proceeding having the attraction of novelty to recommend it; and thatwhen they (meaning the some people before mentioned) talked about theirrelations, they would be careful to observe who was present in companyat the time; otherwise it might come round to those relations' ears, ina way they little expected; and as to red noses (she observed) shehad yet to learn that a red nose was any disgrace, inasmuch as peopleneither made nor coloured their own noses, but had that feature providedfor them without being first consulted; though even upon that branch ofthe subject she had great doubts whether certain noses were redder thanother noses, or indeed half as red as some. This remark being receivedwith a shrill titter by the two sisters of the speaker, Miss CharityPecksniff begged with much politeness to be informed whether any ofthose very low observations were levelled at her; and receiving no moreexplanatory answer than was conveyed in the adage 'Those the cap fits,let them wear it,' immediately commenced a somewhat acrimonious andpersonal retort, wherein she was much comforted and abetted by hersister Mercy, who laughed at the same with great heartiness; indeedfar more naturally than life. And it being quite impossible that anydifference of opinion can take place among women without every woman whois within hearing taking active part in it, the strong-minded lady andher two daughters, and Mrs Spottletoe, and the deaf cousin (who wasnot at all disqualified from joining in the dispute by reason of beingperfectly unacquainted with its merits), one and all plunged into thequarrel directly.

  The two Miss Pecksniffs being a pretty good match for the three MissChuzzlewits, and all five young ladies having, in the figurativelanguage of the day, a great amount of steam to dispose of, thealtercation would no doubt have been a long one but for the high valourand prowess of the strong-minded woman, who, in right of her reputationfor powers of sarcasm, did so belabour and pummel Mrs Spottletoe withtaunting words that the poor lady, before the engagement was two minutesold, had no refuge but in tears. These she shed so plentifully, and somuch to the agitation and grief of Mr Spottletoe, that that gentleman,after holding his clenched fist close to Mr Pecksniff's eyes, as ifit were some natural curiosity from the near inspection whereof he waslikely to derive high gratification and improvement, and after offering(for no particular reason that anybody could discover) to kick Mr GeorgeChuzzlewit for, and in considerati
on of, the trifling sum of sixpence,took his wife under his arm and indignantly withdrew. This diversion, bydistracting the attention of the combatants, put an end to the strife,which, after breaking out afresh some twice or thrice in certaininconsiderable spurts and dashes, died away in silence.

  It was then that Mr Pecksniff once more rose from his chair. It was thenthat the two Miss Pecksniffs composed themselves to look as if therewere no such beings--not to say present, but in the whole compass of theworld--as the three Miss Chuzzlewits; while the three Miss Chuzzlewitsbecame equally unconscious of the existence of the two Miss Pecksniffs.

  'It is to be lamented,' said Mr Pecksniff, with a forgiving recollectionof Mr Spottletoe's fist, 'that our friend should have withdrawn himselfso very hastily, though we have cause for mutual congratulation even inthat, since we are assured that he is not distrustful of us in regardto anything we may say or do while he is absent. Now, that is verysoothing, is it not?'

  'Pecksniff,' said Anthony, who had been watching the whole party withpeculiar keenness from the first--'don't you be a hypocrite.'

  'A what, my good sir?' demanded Mr Pecksniff.

  'A hypocrite.'

  'Charity, my dear,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'when I take my chambercandlestick to-night, remind me to be more than usually particular inpraying for Mr Anthony Chuzzlewit; who has done me an injustice.'

  This was said in a very bland voice, and aside, as being addressed tohis daughter's private ear. With a cheerfulness of conscience, promptingalmost a sprightly demeanour, he then resumed:

  'All our thoughts centring in our very dear but unkind relative, and hebeing as it were beyond our reach, we are met to-day, really as if wewere a funeral party, except--a blessed exception--that there is no bodyin the house.'

  The strong-minded lady was not at all sure that this was a blessedexception. Quite the contrary.

  'Well, my dear madam!' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Be that as it may, here weare; and being here, we are to consider whether it is possible by anyjustifiable means--'

  'Why, you know as well as I,' said the strong-minded lady, 'that anymeans are justifiable in such a case, don't you?'

  'Very good, my dear madam, very good; whether it is possible by ANYmeans, we will say by ANY means, to open the eyes of our valuedrelative to his present infatuation. Whether it is possible to makehim acquainted by any means with the real character and purpose of thatyoung female whose strange, whose very strange position, in referenceto himself'--here Mr Pecksniff sunk his voice to an impressivewhisper--'really casts a shadow of disgrace and shame upon this family;and who, we know'--here he raised his voice again--'else why is she hiscompanion? harbours the very basest designs upon his weakness and hisproperty.'

  In their strong feeling on this point, they, who agreed in nothing else,all concurred as one mind. Good Heaven, that she should harbour designsupon his property! The strong-minded lady was for poison, her threedaughters were for Bridewell and bread-and-water, the cousin withthe toothache advocated Botany Bay, the two Miss Pecksniffs suggestedflogging. Nobody but Mr Tigg, who, notwithstanding his extremeshabbiness, was still understood to be in some sort a lady's man,in right of his upper lip and his frogs, indicated a doubt of thejustifiable nature of these measures; and he only ogled the three MissChuzzlewits with the least admixture of banter in his admiration, asthough he would observe, 'You are positively down upon her to too greatan extent, my sweet creatures, upon my soul you are!'

  'Now,' said Mr Pecksniff, crossing his two forefingers in a manner whichwas at once conciliatory and argumentative; 'I will not, upon the onehand, go so far as to say that she deserves all the inflictions whichhave been so very forcibly and hilariously suggested;' one of hisornamental sentences; 'nor will I, upon the other, on any accountcompromise my common understanding as a man, by making the assertionthat she does not. What I would observe is, that I think some practicalmeans might be devised of inducing our respected, shall I say ourrevered--?'

  'No!' interposed the strong-minded woman in a loud voice.

  'Then I will not,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'You are quite right, mydear madam, and I appreciate and thank you for your discriminatingobjection--our respected relative, to dispose himself to listen to thepromptings of nature, and not to the--'

  'Go on, Pa!' cried Mercy.

  'Why, the truth is, my dear,' said Mr Pecksniff, smiling upon hisassembled kindred, 'that I am at a loss for a word. The name of thosefabulous animals (pagan, I regret to say) who used to sing in the water,has quite escaped me.'

  Mr George Chuzzlewit suggested 'swans.'

  'No,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Not swans. Very like swans, too. Thank you.'

  The nephew with the outline of a countenance, speaking for the first andlast time on that occasion, propounded 'Oysters.'

  'No,' said Mr Pecksniff, with his own peculiar urbanity, 'nor oysters.But by no means unlike oysters; a very excellent idea; thank you, mydear sir, very much. Wait! Sirens. Dear me! sirens, of course. I think,I say, that means might be devised of disposing our respected relativeto listen to the promptings of nature, and not to the siren-likedelusions of art. Now we must not lose sight of the fact that ouresteemed friend has a grandson, to whom he was, until lately, very muchattached, and whom I could have wished to see here to-day, for I have areal and deep regard for him. A fine young man, a very fine young man!I would submit to you, whether we might not remove Mr Chuzzlewit'sdistrust of us, and vindicate our own disinterestedness by--'

  'If Mr George Chuzzlewit has anything to say to ME,' interposed thestrong-minded woman, sternly, 'I beg him to speak out like a man; andnot to look at me and my daughters as if he could eat us.'

  'As to looking, I have heard it said, Mrs Ned,' returned Mr George,angrily, 'that a cat is free to contemplate a monarch; and thereforeI hope I have some right, having been born a member of this family, tolook at a person who only came into it by marriage. As to eating, Ibeg to say, whatever bitterness your jealousies and disappointedexpectations may suggest to you, that I am not a cannibal, ma'am.'

  'I don't know that!' cried the strong-minded woman.

  'At all events, if I was a cannibal,' said Mr George Chuzzlewit, greatlystimulated by this retort, 'I think it would occur to me that a ladywho had outlived three husbands, and suffered so very little from theirloss, must be most uncommonly tough.'

  The strong-minded woman immediately rose.

  'And I will further add,' said Mr George, nodding his head violently atevery second syllable; 'naming no names, and therefore hurting nobodybut those whose consciences tell them they are alluded to, that I thinkit would be much more decent and becoming, if those who hooked andcrooked themselves into this family by getting on the blind side of someof its members before marriage, and manslaughtering them afterwards bycrowing over them to that strong pitch that they were glad to die, wouldrefrain from acting the part of vultures in regard to other members ofthis family who are living. I think it would be full as well, if notbetter, if those individuals would keep at home, contenting themselveswith what they have got (luckily for them) already; instead of hoveringabout, and thrusting their fingers into, a family pie, which theyflavour much more than enough, I can tell them, when they are fiftymiles away.'

  'I might have been prepared for this!' cried the strong-minded woman,looking about her with a disdainful smile as she moved towards the door,followed by her three daughters. 'Indeed I was fully prepared for itfrom the first. What else could I expect in such an atmosphere as this!'

  'Don't direct your halfpay-officers' gaze at me, ma'am, if you please,'interposed Miss Charity; 'for I won't bear it.'

  This was a smart stab at a pension enjoyed by the strong-minded woman,during her second widowhood and before her last coverture. It toldimmensely.

  'I passed from the memory of a grateful country, you very miserableminx,' said Mrs Ned, 'when I entered this family; and I feel now, thoughI did not feel then, that it served me right, and that I lost my claimupon the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland when I so degrade
dmyself. Now, my dears, if you're quite ready, and have sufficientlyimproved yourselves by taking to heart the genteel example of these twoyoung ladies, I think we'll go. Mr Pecksniff, we are very much obligedto you, really. We came to be entertained, and you have far surpassedour utmost expectations, in the amusement you have provided for us.Thank you. Good-bye!'

  With such departing words, did this strong-minded female paralyse thePecksniffian energies; and so she swept out of the room, and out ofthe house, attended by her daughters, who, as with one accord, elevatedtheir three noses in the air, and joined in a contemptuous titter.As they passed the parlour window on the outside, they were seen tocounterfeit a perfect transport of delight among themselves; andwith this final blow and great discouragement for those within, theyvanished.

  Before Mr Pecksniff or any of his remaining visitors could offer aremark, another figure passed this window, coming, at a great rate inthe opposite direction; and immediately afterwards, Mr Spottletoe burstinto the chamber. Compared with his present state of heat, he had goneout a man of snow or ice. His head distilled such oil upon his whiskers,that they were rich and clogged with unctuous drops; his face wasviolently inflamed, his limbs trembled; and he gasped and strove forbreath.

  'My good sir!' cried Mr Pecksniff.

  'Oh yes!' returned the other; 'oh yes, certainly! Oh to be sure! Oh, ofcourse! You hear him? You hear him? all of you!'

  'What's the matter?' cried several voices.

  'Oh nothing!' cried Spottletoe, still gasping. 'Nothing at all! It's ofno consequence! Ask him! HE'll tell you!'

  'I do not understand our friend,' said Mr Pecksniff, looking about himin utter amazement. 'I assure you that he is quite unintelligible tome.'

  'Unintelligible, sir!' cried the other. 'Unintelligible! Do you meanto say, sir, that you don't know what has happened! That you haven'tdecoyed us here, and laid a plot and a plan against us! Will you ventureto say that you didn't know Mr Chuzzlewit was going, sir, and that youdon't know he's gone, sir?'

  'Gone!' was the general cry.

  'Gone,' echoed Mr Spottletoe. 'Gone while we were sitting here. Gone.Nobody knows where he's gone. Oh, of course not! Nobody knew he wasgoing. Oh, of course not! The landlady thought up to the very lastmoment that they were merely going for a ride; she had no othersuspicion. Oh, of course not! She's not this fellow's creature. Oh, ofcourse not!'

  Adding to these exclamations a kind of ironical howl, and gazing uponthe company for one brief instant afterwards, in a sudden silence, theirritated gentleman started off again at the same tremendous pace, andwas seen no more.

  It was in vain for Mr Pecksniff to assure them that this new andopportune evasion of the family was at least as great a shockand surprise to him as to anybody else. Of all the bullyings anddenunciations that were ever heaped on one unlucky head, none canever have exceeded in energy and heartiness those with which he wascomplimented by each of his remaining relatives, singly, upon biddinghim farewell.

  The moral position taken by Mr Tigg was something quite tremendous; andthe deaf cousin, who had the complicated aggravation of seeing all theproceedings and hearing nothing but the catastrophe, actually scrapedher shoes upon the scraper, and afterwards distributed impressions ofthem all over the top step, in token that she shook the dust from herfeet before quitting that dissembling and perfidious mansion.

  Mr Pecksniff had, in short, but one comfort, and that was the knowledgethat all these his relations and friends had hated him to the veryutmost extent before; and that he, for his part, had not distributedamong them any more love than, with his ample capital in that respect,he could comfortably afford to part with. This view of his affairsyielded him great consolation; and the fact deserves to be noted, asshowing with what ease a good man may be consoled under circumstances offailure and disappointment.