Fading Out...

  Chapter 13

  Daisy’s POV

  The silence is deafening while Nick overcomes his shock. If I weren't already dead, I am sure that I would have been crying. Is this how you treat one who wins your heart Daisy? I ask myself. And sadly, the answer is still the same no matter how many times I ask. Yes, this is exactly how you treat someone who wins your heart. You offer them a chance at what they truly desire, even if it comes at a cost of losing them. My mind is so torn in this dilemma that it cannot find a reason to either agree or disagree.

  "This was a game?" He questions and every candle of hope flickers out. I focus back on his face and the tears that flow down only drive the guilt deeper. His voice is shocked and broken. His face shows his devastation. "Tell me, Daisy," He speaks again in broken whispers, "was it all just a game to you?" There is a fear that rests in soul of all who has ever lived, a fear of losing someone you love. The terror that settles within me is a much deeper and darker one: Of driving someone you love away. I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. What can you say Daisy that offers the possibility of making this right? You know that it would break you if he had done that to you. And so now, you must bear his accusations for you know that you are guilty of them. Still, seeing him still wait for response, I shake my head.

  "Then WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" He shouts and I flinch instinctively. I would have been fine with him shouting even more. I would have accepted him threatening me. But when he collapses, I cannot ignore how deeply I just hurt him. "I loved you." He mumbles and I gasp in pain at the past tense. "I cared for you. I even laid my heart for you. I thought that you felt the same…" then he looked up at me and I flinched at the animosity I see in his eyes, "but you didn't, did you? It was all a game. Locking me in, becoming a friend, telling me your story. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I began to care for you. I took you out on a 'pretend-date' as Samuel even though for me, it was only Nick and Daisy. Tell me, was it Nick and Daisy for you too or was it Samuel and Daisy for you?"

  The hurt that penetrates at his accusations make me take a step back while I forcibly put a hand on my own hand from interrupting him. If there's any hope… I cut that thought out immediately. I cannot let that thought finish if I need to make it through this. "ANSWER ME!" He screams even as he sobs and I finally remove my hand. It is wet and sticky and I finally remember that I actually am in a mortal form and so can indeed cry.

  "No, tonight was only Nick and Daisy." I answer him and then plead. "Please Nick, listen to me…"

  He quickly cuts me off. "Listen to you? LISTEN TO YOU?" He shouts as he finally begins to stand up from the stairs. "All I have been doing since I met you is listen to you. And see what it got me. If this is how you were back then, then I'm glad th-" His voice cuts off and I realize that I slapped him to stop him from finishing that thought.

  And now, all hope is completely extinguished within me. And all I can summon up is anger. Anger for treating as if I am not hurt right now. Anger at him even daring to try to drag my past into this. Anger at him for breaking my heart. "Don't you dare finish that sentence! You have no right to judge my past self like that. I am done feeling guilty for you Nick Demming Peters.

  Tell me, was it not you who came to steal my engagement ring from my house while I was here? Was it not you who lied to me, playing with my emotions first? Tell me, was it not you?" I shout out at him in anger and see his face harden into a mask of anger.

  "Is that what all this was about? You played all this game just because I played with your feelings? I apologized Daisy. I apologized! Not once, not twice but several times I apologized. It is not my fault that I look exactly like your dead soldier love. I didn't choose this face to be born with. What I did was a mistake I sought to correct. But you?" He glares as if his 'laser vision' would burn me to the ground if he focuses on me long enough.

  Newsflash, dumbo! I'm already dead! "Oh you poor baby. You couldn't handle a game!" I mock him and his gaze narrows further. "If you weren't already a coward to take on a stupid dare for the sake of your pride, none of this would have happened!" I'm about to point out that he also didn't listen to everything I said because he never reacted to 'winning my heart.'

  "My pride? Are we really going that low, Daisy McCain?" He sneers at me. "Alright then. How about your selfishness, you stupid little girl? You were so selfish that you didn't want to let go of your family even after you were dead! Newsflash girl, they were no longer anything to you the moment you died. You should have just done that murderous friend of yours a favour and died."

  This time, I put all my energy behind the slap. I feel like my heart is bleeding from all the wounds that I have been given right now. Is this who I was fighting for? This blunt, unlovable person who only seeks to deliver cruel blows? This person who only believes in offering a shoulder to cry on only for gathering information later to hurt more deeper with?

  And with these thoughts, I make my decision. I won't fight for 'us'. I will not suffer through this for anything's sake. No one has a right to judge me or my actions, not even this boy who I fell for. And so one last time, I look at him and remember his face. So that when he leaves this house tonight, he will join the list of people I loved and lost. And someday, maybe, I will remember him too.

  "Leave." I speak in a voice that hides my emotions. "I do not care for your words. I do not care for you anymore." He flinches and I ignore it. "If you have to leave, then just leave. The door is open. Just take your things, if you brought any, and go. I have lived a hundred years alone. I can live another fifty alone as well."

  The change in his face is slow and every expression hurts no matter how hard I try not to care. He initially panics after his flinch and desperately searches for a sign that I'm lying. The tears fill his eyes as he fails and when he concedes, the hurt replaces the panic. It almost makes me change my mind but I don't give in. Because what we had moments ago was healthy. It was beautiful. It was good. But just now? It was toxic. It was ugly. It was a disease. And I deserve better than something like that.

  And so when the hurt hides behind anger, I tell myself that I deserve better. And ignore my heart's screams that even if I deserve better, all I want is him.

  It hurts to ignore it. To ignore what these screams mean. I don't want to but I have to acknowledge this fact if I have to not later regret this. That when Nick Demming Peters walks out of the doors of McCain mansion and Daisy McCain's life, no one else would be walking in. I would be too weak to be able to even hold my solid form. I would remember nothing. I would go through life only in the moment, haunted by the past and fearing the future. In short, I would be nothing.

  "Fine." How can one word be filled with so much dislike? "You want me gone, do you? I will gladly do this one last thing for you." He announces and I know that he won't stop now. He will leave me here alone.

  And what happens next is so fast that I don't even realize that it has happened. A part of my mind, that was silent for so long, screams loud. Don't let him go away without telling him the truth. Don't let him go away with unanswered questions as well. And a part of my body instantly acts, seizing his wrist and stopping him just as he would have gotten out of my reach. I don't know why but as soon as I touch him, he too stops in his path. And even though there is still tension in his body and his anger and hurt and dislike still emanating from him, hope blooms again within me. Not of having things forgotten. Not of reconciliation, but of recovering from this hurt faster.

  "Not all of it was a game." I confess and somehow, I know that as soon as he hears them, he stopped breathing in surprise. I don't continue until he takes his next breath. "I was angry when you broke my trust like that. I wanted to punish you. And feeling no chance of you winning this heart that was angry at you, I knew that it would be perfect to be taunted by the impact of your actions. But it was petty. And I was wrong.

  You didn't win me in any one instant. You slowly tore my walls down and the loneliness of the past several decades only helped your ca
use. Because you were the first one I met after death who cared for me. You were the first one who, despite being scared of me, still wanted to know about me. You were actually interested in my preferences. And when I realized that despite your words, you were still trying to win me over, the last of my walls came down immediately. I wanted to tell you then. I wanted to let it out, to let the door open. But I couldn't. I was being selfish.

  Like I said, no one had ever cared for me after my death like you did. And so I didn't stop you. I didn't set you free. Because this is what I feared. You may be wondering why I tell you this now, when I had successfully driven you to leave. I didn't say this to make you stay. But I owed it to you to make things clear with you. In life, there are things that are said and then there are things that are left unsaid. I didn't want this to remain unsaid. Goodbye, Nick." And with that farewell, I move back to my room.

  Rubbing over my heart doesn't help with the heavy weight that has settled within me. And the part that screams to stop him and make him understand must be masochistic because it cannot help but try to listen for the sounds of the door closing. The sound that does come though is a different wooden noise though.

  It is not of a door slamming shut. It is of a stair's creak.

  And so with breath held inside, even if I don't really need to breathe, I wait for a noise. A clue. Anything to help me understand what is happening. Is he still here? Why is he still here? Has he left? If he left, then who is it? Is something wrong?

  My imagination runs wild with all the possibilities of what might be happening and as a result, I jump with a loud yelp when someone knocks on my door. Grab a hold of yourself, you idiot! You are already dead. You cannot be harmed. Still, my mind can only think of some type of ghost catchers who would be knocking all of a sudden.

  "Daisy, you okay?" Nick calls out with concern and I finally relax, feeling embarrassed for letting my own imagination spook me. I call out to comfort his worries.

  "Yes." My voice sounds strangled and not at all comforting and so I clear my throat before answering again. "Yes, I'm fine. What happened? I thought you had left."

  There is no reply and I imagine him looking down in embarrassment in the meanwhile. And then he responds. "I'm sorry." I'm so taken aback that my brilliant response is a 'huh?' Thankfully, he continues. "All the harsh words I said, all the things I accused of, I had no right to say any of them. I was hurt and was just trying to hurt you as well just in spite." Calm down, oh dead heart of mine.

  "And in doing so, I said some really hurtful things that betrayed all the trust you placed in me. You never really meant to hurt, well maybe except in the beginning, while all my jabs were meant to inflict pain. And Daisy, it really is a privilege of having won your heart." Good then perhaps you can help it calm down. I feel like screaming in joy. "But I just wish you hadn't placed my freedom with it." The shock of his words makes me let out a gasp and all the joy instantly fades away.

  "Like you said and did, I too didn't want to leave before making things clear. I loved you, I probably still do. But the hurt you gave me, even if unintended, isn't something I can forgive so easily. It hurt and I know that you have a very good idea of how bad. The terror of never seeing your loved ones again, of losing everyone you cared for, it still makes me shiver in fear. And for making me feel that way, I cannot just forgive you. I am just not that strong Daisy and I know that in my place, you would understand that as well." The heart and mind, that was about to scream with joy just now, is now crying. I'm almost about to open the door and beg him not to leave when he repeats my words that just have to tear us apart.

  "You were always right Daisy. You deserve better than this pain. You deserve better than me. A human cannot have a happy ending with a ghost. What we had is a fantasy that you broke before it got even stronger and more difficult and painful to break." He sniffs and I know without checking that tears are falling from my solid form as well.

  "Goodbye Daisy. I guess this is our break-up, isn't it? At least I got this first from you." He laughs depreciatingly and I cannot help but smile a little while sniffing. There is no more words that come out after those words, only sounds of walking away. And every one of them is like a hole in my dead heart. I close my eyes and only hear his steps, not willing to let go even in these last moments.

  At least until they stop and then come back, growing louder. My eyes fly open and I stare at the locked door again. What blow is he yet to deliver? He knocks once again before calling out.

  "Daisy, I just want to add one more thing." He speaks quietly. I note the absence of any emotion except disappointment and instinctively brace, knowing somehow that this will be the strongest of the blows he has to deliver me. "Fifty years." I stand in confusion, not understanding what he means. But then he elaborates.

  "Fifty years. I wanted you to have a forever. But fifty years is all that you seem to have. You have been granted the mercy to be able to forget, Daisy. But me? I will never forget. Know this Daisy, for as long as you remember."

  And with these words, he shatters me into pieces. I cannot hold back the pained scream that erupts from deep within me as a shower of tears cascade down my face. And through my hearing, I hear him inhale a sharp breath, stand in silence for a few moments before turning around and walking away while releasing the breath. Leaving me shattered forever behind him. And every step that he takes crushes all the dreams and the possibilities of us as he walks out of my house.

  And this time, I hear the door shut and know it's over. He's gone. He delivered his stronger blow and shattered me into pieces. And now he was gone.

  But not really. He isn't really gone. Because he was wrong. Nick was wrong about what he said. I had been granted no mercy. I still remembered every moment with him. I still remembered everything about him. And that's what hurt the most in the end of all this.

  For the last hundred years, I have wished to remember. To remember every sight, every thought, and every memory but right now, in this moment, I only wished to forget.

  I wished to forget Nick Demming Peters. I wished to forget his smiles, his fears, his voice, his care, his concern, his laugh, his presence. I wanted to forget every moment of his being.

  Even if I have to forget myself for it.