Jane Vows Vengeance

  “On the house,” the boy said, smiling stiffly. “Have a nice day.”

  “Not much chance of that,” Jane muttered as she turned and ran down the hallway back to the boarding area.

  When she arrived, Walter was standing in line and looking anxiously about. Lilith, in her carrier, sat at his feet.

  “I just needed to get a snack,” Jane said as she knelt beside Lilith’s case and unzipped the door.

  “For the dog?” said Walter.

  “Yes,” Jane said as she unwrapped the sausage muffins and placed them in the carrier. “I read something the other day that said feeding dogs sausage muffins before they fly can help calm their stomachs.”

  “What?” said Walter, clearly doubtful. “Where did you read that? I can’t imagine all that greasy meat is good for them.”

  As Lilith began devouring the sausage muffins, Jane closed the carrier and stood up. “I don’t remember,” she answered Walter. “Shall we board?”

  Walter had purchased seats in first class, and Jane was astonished at how much space they had. As the coach class passengers filed by her like cattle on the way to the abattoir, she avoided their jealous glances, occupying herself by stowing Lilith’s carrier and placing in the various pockets of her seat the things she’d brought to amuse herself during the flight. She thoughtfully waited until the last of the lesser-class passengers had gone by before slipping on the luxuriously soft slippers provided by the airline and leaning back in the equally comfortable seat.

  “Did you see this?” Walter asked, pressing a button on the console between their seats and watching as a screen slid from a hiding place in the ceiling and descended until it was in front of his chair. “Individual movie screens.”

  Jane pressed another of the many buttons and her seat began to gently vibrate. “Oh my,” she said as her muscles relaxed. She hit the button again and the vibrations increased.

  A flight attendant who was walking down the aisle stopped beside Walter’s seat. “Hello,” he said, showing off impossibly white teeth as he smiled broadly. “I’m Trey, and I’ll be your server for this flight. We’re going to be taking off soon, so I’m afraid you’ll have to turn off all electronic devices until we’re airborne. Also, all onboard amenities will be deactivated until it’s safe to restore them to service. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

  As if on command, Jane’s chair ceased vibrating and Walter’s screen slid up into the ceiling. “And I was just getting comfortable,” Jane told Walter as the plane began to move slowly away from the gate.

  “I feel sick.” Lilith’s voice cut through Jane’s thoughts.

  “We aren’t even in the air yet,” Jane said.

  “We will be soon,” said Walter, who thought she was speaking to him.

  “My stomach is gurgling,” said Lilith. “I need some air. Let me out.”

  “I can’t do that,” Jane thought back, remembering to not use her voice. “You have to stay in your carrier.”

  Lilith whined unhappily as the plane taxied down the runway and got into position for takeoff. Jane adjusted her seat belt and tried to relax. Although she’d been around long before airplanes were invented, she was still suspicious of them. As far as she could tell, there was absolutely no reason that something so large should be expected to remain aloft without the benefit of sorcery. She closed her eyes and reminded herself that in a matter of hours she would be back in her homeland.

  “Uggghhhhhh,” Lilith groaned loudly.

  “Is she all right?” asked Walter.

  Jane, realizing that the little dog’s noises of discomfort were audible, opened her eyes. “She’s fine,” she assured Walter.

  “I am not fine,” Lilith barked. “Now let me out of here.”

  The plane lurched forward and began to pick up speed. At the same time, Lilith began to paw wildly at the door of her carrier.

  “Stop that,” Jane said.

  “Out!” Lilith said. “Now!”

  “I can’t!” Jane said as the plane, rumbling, rose into the air.

  Lilith clawed frantically, and suddenly the carrier opened. The Chihuahua bolted from it and leapt up onto Jane’s lap.

  “All I needed was some air,” she said as she breathed deeply. “I think I’ll be okay—”

  The airplane chose that precise second to hit an air current and drop momentarily. In response, the contents of Lilith’s stomach rose and exited her mouth, covering Jane in a viscous spatter of half-chewed sausage and bits of English muffin. Jane’s mouth opened in a soundless shriek as she contemplated the horror that had just befallen her.

  “That’s better,” said Lilith as the stench of the vomit filled Jane’s nose and made her own stomach lurch. Sensing imminent danger, Lilith scrambled onto Walter’s lap and watched as Jane heaved dryly.

  “Oh my,” said Walter as he grabbed a handful of napkins from his seat pocket and handed them to Jane. “I told you I didn’t think those sausage muffins were a good idea.”

  Jane used the napkins to clean off the worst of the mess and deposit it into the airsickness bag handily provided by the airline. But her blouse was damp with dog upchuck, and the smell lingered in her nose. As the Fasten Seatbelt sign was still lit, she couldn’t get up to use the washroom, so she had to remain seated as the airplane continued to climb. Lilith, on the other hand, had curled herself into a tiny ball on Walter’s lap and gone to sleep. He was rubbing her ears.

  “This isn’t the most auspicious way to begin our wedding trip,” Jane said as she kicked the airsickness bag away from her with her foot.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” said Walter. “Getting pooped on by a bird is supposed to bring you good luck. Maybe getting puked on by a Chihuahua is even luckier.”

  “Doubtful,” Jane said. “Anyway, I can’t wait to change out of this shirt.”

  “Did you bring another?” asked Walter.

  Jane groaned. “Yes,” she said. “Quite a few of them. But they’re all in my checked bag.”

  Just then the seatbelt sign went off and a flight attendant announced that it was now safe to move about the cabin. Walter took the opportunity to press the call button on his console, which summoned Trey.

  “How can I be of assistance?” Trey asked.

  Before Walter or Jane could answer, the attendant saw Lilith and let out a little squeal of joy. “Isn’t she the cutest thing!” he exclaimed. “Technically she shouldn’t be out of her carrier, but since she’s so well behaved I don’t see why she can’t stay just where she is.”

  “Thank you,” said Walter. “But you see, she’s not feeling very well and—”

  “Poor baby,” Trey said, looking at Lilith and frowning. “Does she want something for her tummy? I can bring some crackers for her.”

  “No, thank you,” said Walter. “It’s just that she’s thrown up.”

  “On me,” Jane said as the flight attendant looked at the floor around Walter’s feet.

  “Oh,” Trey said. He regarded Jane’s stained blouse with distaste. “She really got you, didn’t she?”

  “She gave her sausage muffins,” said Walter.

  “Why would you do that?” Trey asked, casting a suspicious glance in Jane’s direction.

  “I thought it was odd too,” remarked Walter. “But she said—”

  “I read it somewhere!” Jane interrupted. “Now Trey, the thing is, I want to get cleaned up. But I didn’t anticipate being thrown up on by a Chihuahua when I packed my carry-on bag, and I don’t have another blouse. I don’t suppose you have any kind of shirt I could borrow?”

  Trey looked her up and down, as if taking her measurements. “Just a sec,” he said. “I might have something.”

  “Remember when being a flight attendant was the most glamorous thing a girl could hope to achieve?” Jane mused after he had left. “All of those cute skirts and thigh-high boots.”

  “That was back when you could smoke on planes and they didn’t charge you seven dollars for a soda,” Walter said. “But did yo
u ever really want to be a flight attendant?”

  “Not really,” said Jane. “But it did seem glamorous.”

  Like magic, Trey reappeared and handed Jane a T-shirt wrapped in a plastic bag. “This is all I could find,” he told her. “It’s from a promotion we ran a few months ago.”

  “Thank you,” Jane said as she stood up to head for the washroom. “I’m sure it will be fine.”

  She returned five minutes later, having washed up and changed into the T-shirt. When Walter saw her his face immediately contorted into the pained expression of someone trying very hard not to laugh.

  “It’s not funny,” Jane said as she looked down at the 3XL shirt that on her became something of a cross between a muumuu and a nightshirt. It was bright pink, and across the front was written in white lettering: FLY VIRGIN, LAND HAPPY.

  “Oh, it’s not so bad,” Walter said as Jane took her seat. “Besides, you can change the minute we get our bags at Heathrow.”

  Jane looked at Lilith, who was still sleeping peacefully. Filthy little beast, she thought maliciously.

  “I heard that,” Lilith answered sleepily.

  “Whatever,” Jane muttered. She rooted around in the seat pocket and pulled out a paperback novel. Opening it, she settled into her seat, pressed the button to start the massage function, and began to read.

  But she couldn’t concentrate. Her mind kept straying from the story—which involved a detective attempting to solve the theft of a very large statue from the British Museum—to the matter of her impending marriage. She briefly wondered if perhaps this was the perfect opportunity to reveal to Walter that she was really Jane Austen. And a vampire. After all, he was something of a captive audience, and they would have another seven hours to discuss the situation. And does it really matter where or when I tell him? she asked herself. He’s not going to believe me anyway.

  She turned her head and looked at Walter. Like Lilith, he had fallen asleep. She watched him for a few moments. I love him so much, she thought. Am I being fair to him?

  This was the question she had been asking herself for months. Was it right that she should marry him when he didn’t know the truth about her? When she knew that he would age while she remained forever forty-one? Time and again she’d come to one conclusion, only to change her mind. That Miriam knew the truth only added to the problem. What if she told Walter before Jane told him herself? It was a threat that would hang constantly over Jane’s head as long as she continued to keep her secret.

  Lilith opened one eye and looked at Jane. “Would you stop thinking so hard?” she said. “I’m trying to sleep.”

  “Then just stop listening,” Jane told her.

  “I’m trying,” said Lilith. “But you’re so loud.”

  Jane sighed. “Then if you’re so smart, why don’t you tell me what I should do?” she said.

  Lilith yawned. “That’s easy,” she said. “You should … zzzzzz.”

  “Wake up!” Jane ordered.

  But the little dog only put her single front paw over her nose and went on snoring. Jane thought about shaking her awake, but she knew what Lilith was going to say anyway. It was what Jane had known all along that she had to do. And she would. Soon, she promised herself as she closed her eyes and tried to rest. Or at least soonish.

  Monday: London

  “WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU WEARING?”

  “Don’t ask,” Jane said to Miriam. She handed over Lilith’s carrying case. “Here’s your dog.”

  “How was your flight, Mom?” asked Walter, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

  Miriam shrugged. “The plane didn’t crash,” she said. “I suppose that makes it good.”

  “That’s one opinion,” Jane said under her breath. It had taken forever to get through customs and find Miriam. Now all she wanted to do was get to the hotel and take a shower. But they had to wait for Ben and Lucy’s flight to arrive.

  Fortunately, they had less than an hour to wait. While Miriam took Lilith outside for a walk and a pee, Jane located a souvenir shop and purchased the least offensive T-shirt she could find, a blue one with LONDON EST. AD 43 stenciled across the front in white. She ducked into the women’s room and exited a few minutes later, having stuffed the offensive pink tent into the trash. When she returned to where Walter was waiting, Lucy and Ben’s flight had landed. Twenty minutes later the two of them emerged from customs.

  “You already went shopping?” Lucy asked, looking at Jane’s shirt.

  “It was either this or the Big Ben pencil case,” Jane joked as she hugged her friend. “And speaking of Big Ben,” she added, giving Ben a squeeze, “I don’t know how you put up with this girl.”

  “She tells me I have no choice,” Ben joked.

  Despite having known Ben for almost a year now, Jane still couldn’t quite imagine the hunky, dark-haired man as a rabbi. It was easier to imagine him chopping down a tree or wrangling a steer than reading the Torah, although she’d heard him do that and he did it beautifully. She was thrilled that he and Lucy had found each other, and hoped that one day soon the two of them would announce their engagement.

  Getting themselves and all of their luggage outside was no small feat, but eventually they managed to secure two taxis and load one of them up with Walter, Miriam, Lilith, and half the bags and the other with Jane, Ben, Lucy, and the other half of the bags. As soon as the door was shut and they were on their way to the hotel, Jane grabbed Lucy’s hand.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said. “That woman is going to drive me mad.”

  “Isn’t that what mothers-in-law are supposed to do?” Ben said.

  “Yes, well, Miriam goes a bit beyond the call of duty,” Jane told him.

  “You know, you’ve never told us where you’re getting married,” said Lucy.

  “Didn’t I?” Jane said. “I guess I keep forgetting. It’s actually very exciting. Walter had to pull some strings, what with it being such a historic site, but one of the advantages of marrying a man like Walter is—”

  “Out with it!” Lucy shrieked. “I’m going crazy here.”

  Jane feigned being wounded. “Now I don’t know if I want to tell you.”

  “You’d better,” said Lucy.

  “No,” Jane told her. “I don’t think I will. I think I’ll let it be a surprise.”

  Lucy gasped. “Horrid cow!” Ben laughed. She turned to him. “Well, she is. Don’t you want to know what this amazing place is?”

  “I already know where it is,” he said. “Walter told—”

  “Shut up!” Jane said forcefully. She narrowed her eyes and pointed at Ben. “Not a word out of you.”

  Lucy grabbed Ben’s arm. “Out with it,” she ordered.

  Ben looked out the window of the cab. “London is really lovely when it’s covered with snow, isn’t it?”

  “Tell me!” Lucy crowed.

  “Is that the statue of Lord Nelson?” he asked.

  “Not a word,” said Jane.

  “I don’t know anything!” Ben bleated. “I swear.”

  “Lies!” Lucy exclaimed. “And you a man of the cloth.”

  “I’m a rabbi,” Ben objected. “Not a priest.”

  “And you a man of the tallit,” said Lucy. “Shame.”

  Ben held up his hands. “I promised not to say anything. I can’t break my word.”

  “You didn’t promise,” Lucy argued. “You’re just afraid of her.” She jerked her head in Jane’s direction.

  “As well he should be,” said Jane. “Ben, not a peep out of you.”

  Lucy fumed. “Oh, I’ll get it out of him,” she promised. “Will you at least tell me when it’s happening?”

  “Yes,” Jane said agreeably. “On Tuesday.”

  “That’s tomorrow!” said Lucy.

  “Smart girl,” Jane said, patting her arm. “Indeed it is. So you don’t have all that long to wait to find out where it is.”

  “I still want to know,” Lucy said.

  Ben turned to her. “J
ane’s right,” he said. “Besides, isn’t it kind of fun that it’s a surprise?”

  “No,” said Lucy. “It isn’t fun at all. I mean, if you didn’t know and I did, that would be fun. But I don’t like being the only one who doesn’t know.”

  “Miriam doesn’t know,” Jane informed her.

  “Actually, I think Walter is telling her right now,” said Ben. “He wanted to prepare her so she wouldn’t be shocked.”

  “Why would she be shocked?” asked Lucy.

  “She wouldn’t,” Ben said.

  “You just said she would,” countered Lucy.

  “Did I?” Ben said. “I don’t remember. So Jane, who else is going to be on this trip?”

  “What an excellent question,” Jane said.

  “No it isn’t,” said Lucy. “It’s a stupid question. Now tell me where this wedding is happening.”

  “We’re not entirely sure who our traveling companions will be,” Jane said, speaking across Lucy. “The first get-together is this evening. That’s when all will be revealed.” She waggled her fingers as if casting a spell. “It’s all very secretive.”

  “It will be interesting to see who else is in the group,” said Ben.

  “I’m rather dreading it,” Jane admitted. “I’m all for looking at architecturally significant houses, but honestly, if they go on about flying buttresses this and Ionic that, I’m going to lose my mind.”

  “Don’t worry,” Ben reassured her. “You’ll have us. If the tours get boring, you can leave them to their house business and go sightseeing with Lucy and me.”

  “Maybe with you,” Lucy said darkly. “I haven’t decided if I’m going anywhere.”

  “You and Lucy and Miriam,” said Jane.

  “Why is Miriam with us?” asked Lucy. “I sort of hoped she’d tag along with you and Walter.”

  “You’d rather Walter and I spend our first days as a married couple enduring his mother?” Jane asked.

  “No!” Lucy said. “I mean, well, yes.”

  There was a pause before both Jane and Lucy burst out laughing. “Don’t worry,” Jane said. “I can hardly blame you. The woman is a terror. And I suspect she will stay close to me and Walter, if only to ensure we don’t run off without her. But I’m still not telling you where the wedding is going to be.”