Downfall

  ****

  There was no sweet moment of innocence like I usually got when I woke in the morning. No blissful rise to consciousness, everything forgotten. I woke up knowing exactly what had happened last night. It was almost pitch black, with just one candle wavering near the door until a flash of light illuminated Cain’s face as he lit a cigarette. He kept the lighter going for a moment, watching me blink up at him before flicking out the flame. I took his lighter and held it to another candle so I could check on Jude. He was still asleep on a mattress close by, his head twisted in what looked like an uncomfortable position and his face lined with pain. I slipped down and adjusted the blanket over him, shifting his head into a more natural position. Jude stirred slightly but went back to sleep. When I returned to Cain’s side he crushed me close. It helped me forget for a moment, but then I pulled away, tears stinging my eyes.

  “I’m dying for a shower,” I said, glad it was too dim for him to see me properly. “I need to go.”

  “Okay.”

  “You don’t mind looking after him on your own?”

  “Of course not. Liz’ll be back soon anyway. About eight thirty, she said, and it’s after eight now.”

  I collected my things and almost made it out the door but all of a sudden Cain was standing beside me.

  “Francesca,” he whispered. “Just tell me what I can do for you.”

  There wasn’t anything. Anything at all he did now would just be a temporary digression. The choice was clear. I just needed space―as soon as possible―to process what had happened the night before and cement my resolve.

  “I’m okay,” I lied. “I’ll be back later.”