Everlife

  No. Absolutely not. Yes, there are shadows. But I won't let them hurt others. I'll keep fighting.

  Not every fight can be won, a new doubt devil whispers.

  "Stop calling him the Butcher," I say. Searching for calm, I begin to count. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. There are five rings in the Olympic symbol. Five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. Take five means take a break. Deep breath in, out.

  "But you..." Luciana's eyelids slit. "We can't eliminate you or the B--Mr. Flynn. What happens to one happens to the other."

  Jolt. The information hits me like a punch to the chest, sending me stumbling back.

  In my current state, I struggle to make sense of what I'm learning. So I'll be wounded if Killian is stabbed or shot, and vice versa? It's not an ideal development, but it's manageable. What I cannot tolerate is the danger to my realm. I would rather die a thousand deaths than cause innocents to suffer.

  "Why wasn't I warned about the bond's effect on others?" I demand.

  "You were told consorting with Myriadians is dangerous," Shamus snaps. "You should have needed no other warning. Only a fool would pledge her life to an enemy."

  Ouch. His words are the equivalent of a shame bell, trailing me everywhere I go.

  "Did you forget how many Troikans Mr. Flynn has murdered?" Luciana anchors her fists on her hips. "Or did you simply not care?"

  How dare she go there. "He fought and killed during battle, while at war, not in cold blood. There's a difference. And let's be honest. You have no right to cast stones. I bet you've murdered just as many Myriadians, yes?"

  Thanks to the Grid, I know she's considered a peacekeeper in Troika. After a year and a half of torture inside Prynne Asylum--where my parents sent me to live when I refused to sign with Myriad--I know a sword is sometimes the only way to facilitate that peace.

  Luciana flushes. With anger...or shame? Perhaps even a smidge of pride?

  Shamus notches his chin. "I don't want to believe our Conduit is so stupid that she bonded with a Myriadian determined to ruin us from the inside out. I would rather eat glass."

  Double ouch. Telling him, You had better believe it, doesn't really strike me as the proper response. "It's done. It can't be undone." I don't want it undone. "Trust me to have our best interests at heart. Let me move forward, full steam ahead."

  "I don't trust you with your life, much less mine." Luciana drags me to my feet, then winds an arm around my waist to hold me up.

  Anger blisters my insides, and I scowl. I despise weakness in any form, which is probably why I was drawn to Killian from moment one. He is a torrent of energy and ambition. Nothing stops him.

  The General's grip on me tightens. "Centuries ago, a friend of mine fell for a Myriadian."

  "By friend she means mother," Shamus interjects.

  Luciana flicks him a narrowed glance. "Ultimately she bonded to him. He used their bond to navigate the Troikan Grid. And guess what? He let his friends in. Their shadows spilled into our Grid. To stop them, I had to kill my mother--and everyone she'd tainted. Everyone they tainted. Don't you see? We're all connected. What affects one has the power to affect us all."

  My stomach twists, only to quickly settle. If--when--I share the shadows, individuals have the option to resist, like the General, and remain unaffected. There's hope, even if I fail.

  "A bond forged in love cannot be a mistake," I tell her, my tone steady with conviction.

  "You know nothing about love," she says, her tone hollow. "Love isn't a feeling but a choice. Feelings can change in a blink, as today has proven. You chose to turn your back on Troika, all for a pretty face."

  In some ways, she's right. Love is a choice. "He's more than a pretty face." Far more. "In the end, we're helping Troika. You'll see. There are good Myriadians just like there are bad Troikans. We deserve a chance to live in peace."

  "They deserve death," Shamus snaps.

  "If you think you're better than someone, guaranteed you're better than no one," I snap back.

  "You think this is about simple prejudice, little girl?" He sneers at me. "You haven't lived in the realm long. Haven't seen what I've seen. Haven't endured betrayal after betrayal at the hands of liars and thieves."

  "Kill." Killian pulls at his own hair. "Kill, kill."

  Breathing is suddenly a little more difficult. Forget the war. Right now, my husband matters most. Voice breaking at the edges, I ask, "What's wrong with him?"

  "Only everything." Luciana gives me a little shake. "Of all the inter-realm couples I've hunted, observed and killed, the Myriadian half always has a harder time adjusting to the bond at first. Our Light forcibly attacks their shadows while their shadows gently seduce our Light. However, Troikans have a difficult battle in the end."

  The heat drains from my face, then my torso, before evaporating from my feet. What fresh horrors await me in the future?

  "You shouldna be surprised." Shamus glares at me. "Since the beginning of time, shadows have crept, and Light has exploded."

  Whatever happens, we will overcome this. We'll do more than survive; we'll thrive. To believe less is to accept defeat.

  "Kill, kill."

  "Enough of that." With a scowl, Shamus closes in on Killian once again.

  Though I fight Luciana's hold, I get nowhere fast. "I told you to stop, General." The boy who was rejected by family after family--even the one that eventually adopted him--is mine to protect. I'm his family now. "Killian is one of ours now. He's going to defect."

  "Good intentions aren't guaranteed action." Rather than grabbing hold of Killian, Shamus circles him and plucks a dagger from the sheathe anchored to his waist. "But I'm neither a liar nor a fool. I merely plan to collect the boy. He'll be comin' with us to Troika."

  I go still, inside and out. "Killian can pass through the Veil of Wings without harm?"

  "Yes," Luciana hisses. "Congratulations. You've ensured the Butcher can walk among us without hindrance."

  "Are you certain?" I won't take any chances with Killian's life. And I won't respond to Lucian's the Butcher comment. Not again. One, she won't believe my protests. Two, I comprehend the reason for her distrust. Killian has killed our people and recruited hundreds of humans to his side, if not thousands. But the past is the past. Like feelings, people change. Only time will prove her wrong.

  She nods and says, "I am. Unfortunately."

  Relief crashes over me, cool and sweet. At some point, one of those bonded Myriadians must have entered Troika, not just the Grid.

  "We'll keep Mr. Flynn safe," Shamus says, "and you'll vote to Resurrect General Orion."

  That is a thinly veiled threat, I'm sure of it. I'm supposed to pick which of this year's fallen soldiers rises from the dead. "Why Orion, and not Levi?"

  "Our reasons do not matter." Luciana flexes her grip. "A bargain is a bargain."

  Exactly. "I never enter into a bargain lightly. Any bargain. I never agree to terms until I know all the ins and outs."

  Still in the process of disarming Killian, Shamus crouches and snags a gun holstered at his ankle. A quick snatch and grab. In and out. "Orion will put Troika first. Nothing else matters."

  Wrong. Something else matters greatly. We need someone who will put all people first. But I make no mention of this fact right now. "I'll vote for the person who shares my vision for a better tomorrow." So far I think I've narrowed my choices down to Archer, Meredith and Levi. I'm sorry, Elizabeth.

  But no pressure, right?

  Killian's eyes blink open. He stumbles to his feet and backs away from us, shaking his head before banging a fist into his temple. Then, moving with lightning fast speed, he palms a hidden dagger, one Shamus missed, and points it--at me.

  "You live," he snarls, and his accent is gone.

  I almost despair. Every word he utters now comes with an edge sharp enough to cut through steel.

  The problem is, my heart isn't made of steel but something akin to silk. If this keeps up, the organ will be shredded, leaving me
raw, vulnerable.

  "What happened to your accent?" I ask. I know him. He hides it only when he wants to keep someone at a distance.

  "Why do you live?" he continues, as if I haven't spoken. "You were supposed to die."

  Supposed to die? As in, he planned to kill me with the bond all along?

  Yep. Shredded.

  I must be mistaken about his meaning. My Killian would never do such a thing. Never! His love for me was--is--genuine. Something is very wrong here.

  The madness...

  I tremble as Shamus gives me a look: Told you.

  He expects me to crumble, doesn't he? Determined, I lift my chin and focus fully on Killian. We'll get through this. We must. "What you're feeling right now is--"

  "Shut up. Just shut up. You are... I can't..." He gives a violent shake of his head, then bangs the dagger's hilt into his temple once, twice; pain lances through my temple, and I wince. "I'm going to kill you."

  Five minutes ago, he kissed me as if he couldn't breathe without me. Now he hates me and wants me dead?

  Still mistaken, Lockwood?

  Surely. Life cannot be this cruel.

  Who am I kidding? Life can be far crueler.

  "He doesn't remember you," Luciana says, and sighs. "They never do."

  No, no. Killian would never forget me. But okay, say she's right. Knowledge is power. I need to learn more. "Will he ever remember me?" I swallow the barbed lump growing in my throat. "Will I later forget him?"

  "I don't know." Now she shrugs, and it's obvious she doesn't care. "We had to ensure no couples survived more than a few weeks together."

  Meaning, what? She murdered the couples?

  Oh, zero. That's exactly what she did.

  I suck in a mouthful of air, but my lungs constrict, refusing to accept the breath. If I wasn't a Conduit, she would murder me, too. That much, she'd already made clear.

  Stomach churning, I meet Killian's narrowed gaze. "Remember me. Please." Help me. I'm not sure I can do this on my own.

  "I'll kill you," he says, and frowns. "But I don't want to kill you."

  Well, thank the Firstking for that. My Killian is still in there. "Fight this," I tell him, relief giving me strength. "Fight for me. For us." For our cause. There's so much left to do.

  "Fight for a target?" He sneers at me, as if I'm not just an enemy but a foolish enemy.

  Wait. He considered me a target? He truly doesn't remember me.

  I struggle to maintain my composure, every nerve ending frazzled. The bond was supposed to bring us closer together, not rip us apart.

  Shamus uses Killian's distraction to his advantage and tries to kick the weapon from his hand. But Killian kicks back. Unprepared, Shamus hunches over even as he stumbles.

  Killian is a skilled fighter. The best I've ever seen. Whatever weapon he holds at any given time becomes a part of him. But he's in no condition to fight, a fact made clear when Shamus gains his bearings, leaps at him and whales. Jab, jab, jab. Meaty fists hammer at Killian's face.

  I gasp with shock, horror and pain, feeling as if I'm the one being pummeled. Stars wink before my eyes, though they fail to obscure the glittering Lifeblood pouring from Killian's nose. A warm gush of Lifeblood pours down my chin.

  Huffing and puffing as if I just ran a marathon, I wipe my face with a shaky hand. In the crackling firelight, the liquid on my fingers is as breathtaking as it is priceless. Every drop ensures my survival. The more I lose, the weaker I become. At least Luciana's warning has been verified. Whatever injury Killian sustains, I will experience, too.

  As Killian stumbles backward, Shamus finishes disarming him. But I know Killian, and I know what he's capable of--does he let the General do this?

  I manage to wrench free of Luciana's hold and rush between the combatants with my arms extended.

  Shadows cackle with glee, and I cringe. Does close proximity to Killian strengthen the darkness?

  Flames still glitter in his eyes--eyes wild and crazed. Does close proximity to me strengthen his Light?

  "Please, stop this," I say. "You're hurt." He needs to eat ambrosia, Myriad's version of manna. He'll heal in seconds. "Do you have--"

  He lashes out his arm and wraps his hand around my bicep. If I'd been human, the force of his grip would have broken my humerus.

  Shamus and Luciana rush toward us, but Killian spins me, putting my back to his chest as he places the dagger at my throat. But what is worse? He does it without pause. Cold metal meets warm flesh, and both Generals freeze.

  My heart pounds with erratic fervor as I circle my fingers around his wrist. "You don't want to hurt me, Killian. We're bonded. We plan to--" I zip my lips. Every word I speak will be relayed to other Generals and even my Secondking. No matter what happens here, I'll have to attend a debriefing at some point to explain my words and actions. I'll be judged by a jury of my peers.

  Judged, convicted of a crime--and punished?

  "You love me," I say.

  "You're wrong. I know better than to fall for a Troikan."

  But I don't know better than to fall for a Myriadian. "Fine. If you won't trust your love for me, at least trust our determination to--" Argh! Again, I have to proceed with caution. If others learn about our plan to invade Myriad and Many Ends, they might erect obstacles.

  There are too many obstacles already.

  Praying he understands, I recite,

  You cannot trust me.

  I'm lying when I say

  "Today, tomorrow, forever, I will put you first."

  And

  "You are my everything."

  I admit

  Without hesitation

  I will let you go.

  You must know sweet lies flow from my lips when I say

  "We will get through this."

  Listen. Hear me now.

  I love you not.

  Never, ever believe that

  I love you.

  During tough times, I play with numbers, yes. I also craft poems. This one can be reversed, proving there are two sides to every story. Good versus evil. Light versus dark. Blessing versus cursing. Let the Generals and everyone else assume I hate Killian and I'm working some sort of Troikan agenda, but please, please, please let Killian understand the truth.

  He doesn't. I know he doesn't when the tip of his dagger pricks my skin, and a bead of Lifeblood trickles down my throat. At the same time, he hisses, forced to endure a similar injury.

  Our bond remains intact, at least, despite his memory loss.

  "Inter-realm couples always turn on each other." Shamus sighs. "I expected you two to last longer than immediately."

  I would rather die than betray Killian. Too bad my hubby doesn't currently feel the same.

  "I'm going to walk out of this cave with the girl," Killian says, "and you're both going to--"

  Whoosh!

  A flash of azure lances him, and he grunts. He's been Dazed, no longer able to move. I try to step from his hold--and fail. Zero! I've been Dazed, too.

  I glare fire at Luciana.

  "I kept my word," she says, unrepentant. "I didn't shoot you. I shot the Butcher."

  Semantics.

  My stomach begins to churn with broken dreams and promises. Killian and I, we're anchors to each other now. If Troika decides I'm no longer worth the hassle, they can take both of us out with a single blow. Same with Myriad. Kill one, kill the other.

  I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid of my end. What terrifies me? The thought of Killian's end. I want him to have a chance to live the life he's always been denied.

  "Take the boy to a safe house inside Troika," Luciana tells Shamus. "Tell no one where he is, least of all Miss Lockwood."

  What? No. I won't be separated from Killian while he's inside Troika, and definitely not while he hates me. If we're apart, that hatred could fester and grow. Together, I can remind him of all the reasons he loves me.

  "What happened to your desire to finesse the situation, eh?" Shamus asks her. "What about the
vote?"

  Her gray eyes narrow on me. "If she wants to learn the location of her beloved, she'll vote for Orion."

  Are you freaking kidding me? I'm being blackmailed by Generals? Love and honor are supposed to be prized; revenge and deceit are not supposed to be a viable option, ever.

  There's another way, a voice whispers along the Grid. A voice I've never heard before, and yet I recognize it as my own. Temptation wrapped in desire, too good to be true, yet too dark to be good.

  The voice comes from deep, deep inside me. A place now mired in shadows. A place I didn't know existed...the worst part of me. There I find rage, hate and a thousand other things I thought I'd dealt with.

  The shadows didn't come from Killian, I realize. They came from me. For years, they've been hiding, waiting to strike. Ready.

  Despite this, I find myself replying. Tell me.

  Make her pay. Make them all pay.

  chapter three

  * * *

  "You cannot free a fool from the chains he reveres."

  --Troika

  Killian

  Pain. Heat. I'm consumed! Flames engulf me from head to toe. If my skin melts from my bones, I'll scream and I'll curse and I'll probably beg for mercy, but I won't be surprised.

  Might not even resist.

  Part of me is ready to die. Death will be a relief. I'll wake up Fused to someone else. Two will become one. But the other part of me fights to live now. The enemy is here. Two Troikan Generals want me dead. I'll do them no favors. I won't just survive; I'll thrive.

  As I fight for every labored breath, the Generals talk amongst themselves.

  The female: "From what I've observed in the past, he'll revert to the worst version of himself. The more he fights his dark impulses, the better he'll become...but she'll begin to deteriorate."

  The male: "Basically, they're screwed either way. And so are we."

  I focus inward, searching for answers. Where am I? How did I get here, in this condition? I'm a blank slate, and the answers elude me. Emotions do not. A tide of misery, sorrow and grief rises, as if they've seethed for months, held back by a dam that no longer exists.

  Anger joins the deluge, sparking a fall of acid rain inside my chest. Who can I trust, if not myself? I need my memories.

  What did the General say earlier? Myriadians always have a harder time adjusting to the bond. Our Light forcibly attacks their shadows while their shadows gently seduce our Light. However, Troikans have a difficult battle in the end.