Frenzied Fiction

  XV. The Perplexity Column as Done by the Jaded Journalist

  INSTANTANEOUS ANSWERS TO ALL QUESTIONS

  (All questions written out legibly with the name and address of thesender and accompanied by one dollar, answered immediately and withoutcharge.)

  Harvard Student asks:

  Can you tell me the date at which, or on which, Oliver Cromwell's fatherdied?

  Answer: No, I can't.

  Student of Mathematics asks:

  Will you kindly settle a matter involving a wager between myself anda friend? A. bet B. that a pedestrian in walking downhill over a givenspace and alternately stepping with either foot, covers more ground thana man coasting over the same road on a bicycle. Which of us wins?

  Answer: I don't understand the question, and I don't know which of youis A.

  Chess-player asks:

  Is the Knight's gambit recognized now as a permissible opening in chess?

  Answer: I don't play chess.

  Reuben Boob asks:

  For some time past I have been calling upon a young lady friend at herhouse evenings and going out with her to friends' nights. I should liketo know if it would be all right to ask to take her alone with me to thetheatre?

  Answer: Certainly not. This column is very strict about these things.Not alone. Not for a moment. It is better taste to bring your fatherwith you.

  Auction asks:

  In playing bridge please tell me whether the third or the second playerought to discard from weakness on a long suit when trumps have beentwice round and the lead is with dummy.

  Answer: Certainly.

  Lady of Society asks:

  Can you tell me whether the widow of a marquis is entitled to go in todinner before the eldest daughter of an earl?

  Answer: Ha! ha! This is a thing we know--something that we _do_ know.You put your foot in it when you asked us that. We have _lived_ thissort of thing too long ever to make any error. The widow of a marquis,whom you should by rights call a marchioness dowager (but we overlookit--you meant no harm) is entitled (in any hotel that we know orfrequent) to go in to dinner whenever, and as often, as she likes. On adining-car the rule is the other way.

  Vassar Girl asks:

  What is the date of the birth of Caracalla?

  Answer: I couldn't say.

  Lexicographer asks:

  Can you tell me the proper way to spell "dog"?

  Answer: Certainly. "Dog" should be spelt, properly and precisely, "dog."When it is used in the sense to mean not "_a_ dog" or "_one_ dog" buttwo or more dogs--in other words what we grammarians are accustomedto call the plural--it is proper to add to it the diphthong, _s_,pronounced with a hiss like _z_ in soup.

  But for all these questions of spelling your best plan is to buy a copyof Our Standard Dictionary, published in ten volumes, by this newspaper,at forty dollars.

  Ignoramus asks:

  Can you tell me how to spell "cat"?

  Answer: Didn't you hear what we just said about how to spell "dog"? Buythe Dictionary.

  Careworn Mother asks:

  I am most anxious to find out the relation of the earth's diameter toits circumference. Can you, or any of your readers, assist me in it?

  Answer: The earth's circumference is estimated to be three decimal onefour one five nine of its diameter, a fixed relation indicated by theGreek letter _pi_. If you like we will tell you what _pi_ is. Shall we?

  "Brink of Suicide" writes:

  Can you, will you, tell me what is the Sanjak of Novi Bazar?

  Answer. The Sanjak of Novi Bazar is bounded on the north by its northernfrontier, cold and cheerless, and covered during the winter with deepsnow. The east of the Sanjak occupies a more easterly position. Here thesun rises--at first slowly, but gathering speed as it goes. After havingtraversed the entire width of the whole Sanjak, the magnificent orb,slowly and regretfully, sinks into the west. On the south, where thesoil is more fertile and where the land begins to be worth occupying,the Sanjak is, or will be, bounded by the British Empire.