A Parody Outline of History
Chapter Six
THE WHISKY REBELLION.
In the Bedtime Story Manner of Thornton W. Burgess
"Just the DAY for a Whisky Rebellion," said Aunt Polly and off she ran,lipperty-lipperty-lip, to get a few shooting rifles.
"Oh goody goody," cried little Emily. "Now we can all shoot at thosehorrid Revenue Officers," for the collectors of internal revenue werefar from popular with these kindly Pennsylvania folk and Aunt PollyPinkwood had often promised the children that if they were good some daythey would be allowed to take a shot at a Revenue Officer.
Soon she returned, bearing in her arms a number of bright shiny newguns. The children crowded around in glee and soon all were suppliedwith weapons except little Frank who of course was too young to use agun and was given a two-gallon jug of nice, old whisky to carry. Jedhitched up old Taylor, the faithful farm horse, and as quick as youcould say Jack Robinson the little ones had piled into the old carryall.Round Mr. Sun was just peeping over the Purple Hills when the merrylittle party started on its way, singing and laughing at the prospect ofthe day's sport.
"I bet I kill five Revenue Officers," said little Edgar.
"Ha Ha Ha--you boaster, you," laughed Aunt Polly. "You will be lucky ifyou kill two, for I fear they will be hard to find today."
"Oh do you think so, Aunt Polly?" said little Elinor and she began tocry, for Elinor dearly loved to shoot.
"Hush dear," said Miss Pinkwood with a kindly pat, for she loved herlittle charges and it hurt her to see them unhappy. "I was only joking.And now children I will tell you a story."
"Oh goody goody," cried they all. "Tell us a true story."
"All right," said Aunt Polly. "I shall tell you a true story," and shebegan.
"Once there was a brave handsome man--"
"Mr. Welsbach," cried the children with one voice, for it was wellknown in the neighborhood that Aunt Polly had long been sweet on JuliusWelsbach, the popular superintendent of the Sabbath School and the bestwhisky maker for miles around.
"Hush children," said Aunt Polly blushing in vexation. "Of course not.And if you interrupt me I shall not tell my story at all." But she wasnot really angry.
"And one day this brave handsome man was out making whisky and he hadjust sampled some when he looked up and what do you suppose he saw?"
"Snakes," cried little Elmer whose father had often had deliriumtremens, greatly to the delight of his children.
"No, Elmer," said Miss Pinkwood, "not snakes."
"Pink lizards," cried little Esther, Elmer's sister.
"No," said Aunt Polly, with a hearty laugh, "he saw a--stranger. Andwhat do you suppose the stranger had?"
"A snoot full," chorused the Schultz twins. "He was pie-eyed."
"No," replied Miss Pinkwood laughing merrily. "It was before noon. Guessagain children. What did the stranger have?"
"Blind staggers," suggested little Faith whose mother had recently beenadjudged insane.
"Come children," replied Aunt Polly. "You are not very wide awake thismorning. The stranger had a gun. And when the brave handsome man offeredthe stranger a drink what do you suppose the stranger said?"
"I know," cried little Prudence eagerly. "He said, 'Why yes I don't careif I do.' That's what they all say."
"No, Prudence," replied Miss Pinkwood. "The stranger refused a drink."
"Oh come now, Aunt Polly," chorused the boys and girls. "You said youwere going to tell us a true story." And their little faces fell.
"Children," said Miss Polly, "the stranger refused the drink because hewas a Revenue Officer. And he pointed his gun at the brave handsome manand said he would have to go to jail because he had not paid the tax onhis whisky. And the brave handsome man would have had to have gone tojail, too; but fortunately his brother came up just at the right timeand--"
"Shot the Revenuer dead," cried the children in glee.
"Yes children," said Miss Polly. "He shot the Revenue Officer dead."
"Oh goody goody," cried all. "Now tell us another story. Tell us aboutthe time your father killed a Revenue Officer with an ax."
"Oh you don't want to hear that again, do you children?" said AuntPolly.
"Oh yes--yes--please," they cried, and Aunt Polly was just going tobegin when Jed the driver stopped his horses and said:
"This hilltop is as good a place to shoot from as I know of, MissPinkwood. You can see both roads, and nobody can see you."
"Thank you, Jed," said Aunt Polly giving him a kindly smile, and withoutmore ado the children clambered out of the carryall and filled theirguns with powder and bullets.
"I get first shot," proudly announced Robert, the oldest boy, andsomewhat of a bully.
"Robert!" said Aunt Polly severely, and she looked almost ready to cry,for Aunt Polly had tried hard to teach the boys to be true knights ofchivalry and it hurt her to have Robert wish to shoot a Revenue Officerbefore the girls had had a chance. Robert had not meant to hurt AuntPolly's feelings but had only been thoughtless, and soon all wassunshine again as little Ellen the youngest made ready to fire the firstshot.
The children waited patiently and soon they were rewarded by the sightof a Revenue Officer riding on horseback in the distant valley, aspretty a target as one could wish.
"Now do be careful, dear," whispered Miss Pinkwood, "for if you miss, hemay take alarm and be off." But little Ellen did not miss. "Bang" wenther gun and the little Merry Breezes echoed back and forth, "She gothim. She got him", and old Mother West Wind smiled down at the happysport. Sure enough, when old Mr. Smoke had cleared away there was a nicedead Revenue Officer lying in the road. "Well done, Ellen," said MissPinkwood, patting her little charge affectionately which caused thehappy girl to coo with childish delight.
Mary had next shot and soon all were popping away in great glee. Allthe merry wood folk gathered near to watch the children at their sport.There was Johnny Chuck and Reddy Fox and Jimmy Skunk and Bobby Coon andoh everybody.
Soon round Mr. Sun was high in the Blue Sky and the children began totire somewhat of their sport. "I'm as hungry as a bear," said littleDick. "I'm as hungry as two bears," said Emily. "Ha Ha Ha," laughed MissPinkwood, "I know what will fix that," and soon she had spread out adelicious repast. "Now children," said Miss Pinkwood when all hadwashed their faces and hands, "while you were busy washing I prepareda surprise for you," and from a large jug, before their delighted gaze,she poured out--what do you think? "Bronxes," cried little Harriet. "Ohgoody goody." And sure enough Aunt Polly had prepared a jug of deliciousBronx cocktails which all pronounced excellent.
And after that there were sandwiches and olives and pie and good threeyear old whisky, too.
"That's awfully smooth rye, Aunt Polly," said little Prudence smackingher two red lips. "I think I'll have another shot."
"No dear," said Miss Pinkwood, pleased by the compliment, but firmwithal. "Not now. Perhaps on the way home, if there is any left," forAunt Polly knew that too much alcohol in the middle of the day is badfor growing children, and she had seen many a promising child spoiled byover-indulgent parents.
After lunch those children who could stand helped Aunt Polly to clearaway the dishes and then all went sound asleep, as is the custom inPennsylvania.
When they awoke round Mr. Sun was just sinking behind the Purple Hillsand so, after taking a few more scattered shots at Revenue Officers,they piled once more into the carryall and drove back to town. Andas they passed Mrs. Oliphant's house (Aunt Polly's sister) Aunt FloOliphant came out on the porch and waved her handkerchief at the merryparty.
"Let's give her a cheer," said Fred.
"Agreed," cried they all, and so twelve little throats united in threelusty "huzzahs" which made Auntie Flo very happy you may be sure.
And as they drove up before the Pinkwoods' modest home twelve tired buthappy children with one accord voted the Whisky Rebellion capital funand Aunt Polly a brick.