Fadeout

Chapter 23: Silas

  In the nights that Silas had stayed awake watching for the rotation of the guards it had always seemed so quiet, but this was worse. No one moved, no bed creaked and no one went to the bathroom. There wasn’t even the occasional cell check from the guards. Patton still breathed in the bunk above, but it was a shallow breathing and he never stirred or sighed. His eyes were open too and he didn’t blink. When it was still light Silas had tried to close Patton’s eyelid, but they would slide open after a moment and wouldn’t stay shut.

  Silas wondered how long he had been out. All his muscles quivered and threatened to give when he tried to stand on his own. His mouth tasted like wool and rust and his stomach had a dull ache that hurt the more he tried to do. It felt like he hadn’t been fed in days. He checked the food under his mattress and found it covered in mold. Even the orange was a dusting of bluish fuzz that had stained his sheets. There would be no food now. He dumped them down the toilet and stumbled back to his bunk.

  With a sigh Silas rolled onto his stomach and stared at the floor. The sun had set hours ago and Silas could not sleep even if he wanted to. He hoped Malina was safe. After hearing what Jamar had said about sending Silas to the Machine, he doubted Jamar had done anything to save his sister. She could be lost to him this very moment and not knowing ripped into his insides over and over.

  A door at the Machine end of the hall opened and softly closed. It was like a gun shot in the yard and all of Silas’ body tightened. There were footsteps, but not the normal clomping of the guards’ boots. The feet padded down the hall stopping at each door. When they reached Silas’ door, he saw Jamar peek in the window. His eyes smiled when he saw Silas staring at him and then he completely disappeared. A weight heaved against the bolt and it slid back, slowly inch by inch, each movement punctuated by a grunt. At last the door creaked open and Jamar walked in.

  “Hi,” Jamar said.

  Silas sat up. “Is Malina safe?”

  “Wow. This room is really small. It looks bigger from the outside.” Jamar took four steps to the toilet and sink and walked back to the door. He noticed Patton staring at the ceiling. “You share this?”

  “Yeah, everyone shares their cell,” Silas said. “Is my sister okay?”

  “She’s okay.” Jamar was studying the ceiling and stretching out his hands to see if he could touch both walls of the narrow cell. He came short a few inches. Silas had tried that too when he was younger, but his arms had not been as long and it made the room feel bigger to know he could fit almost two arm lengths.

  “Where is she?”

  “In her cell like, everyone else.”

  “You mean everyone who wasn’t drained.”

  “Of course.”

  “Can you get her taken off whatever this is?” Silas asked waving his hand at Patton.

  Jamar frowned. “Not without my father noticing.”

  Silas jumped out of his bed and leaned on the opposite wall. He let his shoulder hit hard, glad for something else to think about. This was not good and Silas couldn’t think of any way to make it better.

  “Look, I promised I would take care of her and I will. In the control room there is a list of all the names and when they’re scheduled. The last time I saw it she was at the bottom of the list. But I’ll find it again and remove her file if you want. I’ll fix it.”

  “I want to go with you,” Silas said. He pushed off the wall.

  “We can’t go now,” Jamar said a tinge of alarm in his voice.

  “When?”

  Jamar shrugged and glanced back at the empty hallway. “I’ll come back at midnight. I think I heard something about them needing to let the Machine rest for a few hours.”

  Silas’ stomach twisted. They took care with the Machine and all he wished was it would overheat and explode. His muscles were so tight. The cell was too small and close. He felt like he could burst out of it from sheer frustration if he let his emotions go, but even if he wanted to they would not break out of his shell. They smoldered inside him making him raw, sore and tired. If he could crawl out of his own skin he would. He had to get out. He had to do something. His inability to act might crush him and it made him desperate, more desperate than was probably good for him.

  “I have to get out,” Silas said the words as they resounded again in his mind.

  “What?”

  Silas quickly took in the puzzled, yet curious angle of Jamar’s eyebrows and the open look of his brown eyes. He was taking Malina’s life into his hands, but he had to risk it.

  “I need to escape,” Silas said. He held Jamar’s gaze to show how serious he was. “And I have to take Malina with me. Can you help us?”

  Jamar’s eyebrows wrinkled. “I told you I would protect her. Don’t you trust me?”

  “Yes.” It was the only reason he was telling Jamar anything at all. “But I have to escape. I can’t stay here anymore.” Silas touched the cool, cement plaster of the wall.

  “I can get you and your sister into the farms. You’ll be safe--”

  “No, you don’t understand. I can’t live at the farm. I can’t live here. These walls...I will go mad if I have to spend the rest of my life here, or anywhere behind a wall.”

  “But,” Jamar started to speak and then stopped. He looked around as if trying to imagine what it must be like to live in a cell everyday your whole life and Silas took a small step closer to increase Jamar’s claustrophobia. The cell wasn’t big enough for Silas and Jamar to stand side by side in the space between the wall and the bunk. After seeing Jamar’s room, he knew just how much smaller his cell was to anything Jamar was used to living in.

  “You have to help me.”

  “I--I can’t,” Jamar said with a small shake of his head. “My father--it’s just I could get into so much trouble.”

  “You would get in trouble?” Silas let out a snort. “Fine. I’ll figure something else out.”

  “I want to help you,” Jamar said. Silas could tell he was earnest, just not willing to go far enough.

  “Maybe you don’t understand. You drain us of our memories, our emotions, everything that makes us unique individuals.”

  “You’re not unique. All you Cars--Carillians are the same.” Jamar crossed his arms. “And the Machine frees you from your emotional baggage.”

  “If you feel that way about it, why don’t you use it?” Silas spits the words out.

  “I would, if I had any problems with my emotions.”

  “So you’re perfect and I’m broken.”

  “You twist everything I say.”

  “But that is what you’re saying.”

  “That doesn’t matter. It’s not what I meant,” Jamar paused, but Silas was tired of talking. “All I’m saying is that you and I are different. You’re Carillian and I’m Tirean and we don’t have to deal with the same issues. You’ve seen how crazy some of the teens will get and one day you’ll be the same. Do you really want to keep your emotions when you know you could black out and kill everyone around you? Would you want to risk your sister being around on the day that happened?”

  Silas sat back down in his bed. He needed space. Of course he wouldn’t want to hurt Malina, but he was not sure that he ever would. Malina had never come close to hurting him, although she’d also never completely gone over the edge.

  “So my only options are to stop being me or live so drugged up that I don’t notice when my kids are gone? Either one means I won’t be me and I would rather be me and know what I’ve done than live a life never knowing anything.”

  Jamar shrugged as if to say suit yourself. “That’s one way we’re different. I would see it as my duty to have something like that under control.”

  “So you won’t help me?”

  “Escape? I don’t know. I told you I’d think about it.” Jamar turned to go. “I’ll be back for you at midnight.”

  Silas nodded and watched as Jamar closed the cell door and locked it. His footsteps faded and the hall door opened and closed and all was
quiet. The silence was suffocating.

  In one fluid movement, he got out of his bed and jumped up and down. He was too wired to lie on a mattress for the next six hours or so. After thirty minutes of that he switched to running three steps, with one foot pushing off near the toilet, the other landing in the middle of the room and the last step ending at the other wall and then he would reverse it. He didn’t know how long he did this. Sweat dripped down his back when he heard the far hall door open again.

  It wasn’t dark enough for midnight. Boots clomped in the hall and a cell between Silas and the far hall door was opened. A guard with a deep voice said something and then shuffling feet worked their way back to the hall door. They were taking another boy to the Machine. Whatever energy Silas had used up returned with more. Malina. What if they were going to drain her before they let the Machine take a break? He hated not being in the girls ward and knowing if she was okay or in danger. He checked the cell door and tried to push against it, but Jamar had successfully locked the bolt in place.

  Silas went back to his running, only this time he didn’t bother to let his body stop gently before hitting the wall. He slammed into the concrete with all his weight. There was a small sense of accomplishment when the third time he did it a piece of the concrete dropped and skittered across the floor. It was just smaller than Silas’ palm and looked sharp. He quickly found where the piece had come from and inspected it. The hole had several cracks leading away from it, but the inside of the hole was more concrete. Silas tried digging at it, but only a few grains of dust came loose. He hit the cracks with the side of his fist and that had the same results.

  There was a crackle and pop and the cell light hissed brighter.

  The Machine was working. Silas watched the light dim and brighten, dim and brighten. Each time it seemed to suck more of his hope away. And he knew the lights would keep going until one day nothing was left. He had seen the look in the owner’s eyes when Jamar said they should wait to drain him. The owner would never let Silas go to the farm, but even if he did Silas knew he couldn’t live that life. He saw the way his father was growing up. He saw how distant his mother became when her children didn’t show for family day. It was not the life anyone would want. It was not the life Silas would accept. He had to escape or die.

  Silas walked over to the piece of concrete and picked it up. The concrete was rough on one side and smooth on the other. Its edge was sharp, sharp enough to cut through skin. Silas sighed. He sank to the ground and let his back lean against the bed. His head plopped on the mattress and he had to readjust so the implant wouldn’t cut into his bone. Silas rolled his head the other way and felt the implant again. It was right at the base of his neck. He fingered the piece of concrete and then gently rubbed it along the back of his neck. He could feel the implant and if he could feel it, he could get it out.

  The lights buzzed louder and when they did Silas dug the sharpest side of the concrete into his neck. He didn’t care if he hit anything important. The implant had to be removed if he was ever to escape. Warm liquid trickled down his back, but Silas kept going and then the concrete scrapped on something that Silas couldn’t feel. He dropped it and felt the opening with his fingers. It was smooth and round, like the capsules they would give for relieving pain. Silas tried to grip it, but his fingers were awkward in the small space.

  He made the opening longer and tried again. This time his fingernail caught on the top of the implant and when Silas pulled something popped. His eyes were watering and spots started to cloud his vision. He was going to pass out. There was no way he would pass out with that thing still attached to his neck. He quickly grabbed at the implant and pulled. The last thing he heard was a soft plink on the floor before his sight went dark.