Slow Dance in Purgatory

  “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

  “Goodnight, Johnny,” Maggie whispered.

  ***

  Maggie called for Johnny when she entered the school on Tuesday morning. The fact that she had to call at all was fair warning that he wouldn’t be joining her. He was usually there before she was completely through the door, as eager to greet her as she was to be greeted. She lifted her chin stubbornly. Fair enough. She had let her dancing slip since Johnny had begun to occupy her free time. She would shake some of the rust off this morning. Maggie danced relentlessly for an hour, pushing herself beyond fatigue and leaving the dance room exhausted but satiated and strangely content. Dancing had filled all her lonely, aching, spaces once more.

  A few of the girls from the dance team were in the girls’ locker room when Maggie headed in to rinse off and get ready for school. She heard Dara Manning say something snide about her old shorts and ratty t-shirt, and Dara’s friends twittered and snickered in all the appropriate places. She ignored them wearily.

  “Maggie?” Dara approached her and asked her if she had a spare tampon, all the while pretending she was crying.

  One of Dara’s friends, right on cue, asked Dara if she was okay – Dara responded, still play-crying.

  “It’s just so sad! Why aren’t there any happy endings? I really needed a tampon!”

  Maggie walked away. She recognized her words from that embarrassing day in English class, and she really didn’t want to deal with Dara Manning’s crap; however, she realized suddenly that what Johnny had said was true. She had drawn the attention and ridicule of her classmates and her teammates. Had she been that unaware?

  The next couple of days were carbon copies of Tuesday. Johnny was nowhere to be found. Maggie stopped calling to him, knowing that if he wanted to be with her, he would. It was all she could do not to throw a huge tantrum and demand he respond, but she was tougher than that, and she held on to her pride like a lifeline.

  Just about the time everyone started to forget about her scandalous walk down Main Street, Shad’s mother got arrested for prostitution and drug possession. This wasn’t her first offense, and it looked like she was going to spend some time in jail. It happened late Tuesday night, and unfortunately, a member of the football team had heard the report called in over his dad’s police scanner. The whole school knew about the arrest by Wednesday afternoon, and since then, Shad had been the brunt of never ending jokes and had had to endure some pretty nasty innuendo. His spirits were as low as Maggie’s were.

  It had gotten his mother out of the house, at least, and Shad and Gus came for dinner on Thursday night, which hadn’t happened for a while. Irene prepared all of Shad’s favorite dishes in an effort to cheer him up. He picked at his food and was only motivated to eat when Gus reminded him that he would never grow if he didn’t dig in. He laid into the food then, eating like he would never eat again.

  Maggie asked Shad if he wanted to watch a movie or play a game after dinner. Aunt Irene didn’t have any game systems, so they were stuck with very old board games, which kind of stunk, but Shad gladly accepted, and he hung around for a while. They ended up out on the front porch swing, huddled in their winter coats, hands stuffed in their pockets and faces burrowed in their collars.

  “If you could be a super hero, who would you be?” Shad mumbled from the folds of his jacket.

  “Hmmm. That’s a hard one. I’d have to think about it. What about you? Who would you be?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t be Spiderman, because no one would know it was me, and I would want the glory. I wouldn’t be Batman, because he doesn’t have any real abilities; he just has cool gadgets. I think I identify most with Superman. Everyone underestimates him, thinks he’s nothing but nerdy Clark Kent, and then Wham! He’s flyin’ around savin’ shit.”

  Maggie laughed, and they sat reflecting on the various pros and cons of being this or that super hero.

  “Okay. So you don’t know which super hero you’d be. But what if you could pick any power, like mind-reading or seeing the future or…”

  “The ability to eat whatever I wanted and never get fat?” Maggie cut it.

  “That’s such a girl thing to say. NO! You have to pick a genuine super power. I’ve got the ‘never get fat’ one already, and it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, trust me.”

  “Such a typical boy thing to say.”

  “Come on, Mags! What would it be?”

  “I would love to be able to fly…but what good what that do me, really? I guess I’d save on gas, or maybe I could fly to New York, but then I’d have to carry my bags….”

  “Mags! Focus. This is serious.” Shad looked very perturbed.

  “It is?” Maggie was a little surprised at his intensity. “Okay. I guess I would wish….to stop time, or even better, to time travel.” Then she could go back and stop Johnny from ever going into the school that terrible night, and she would just stay in the fifties with him. She and Irene could be young together, and she would never let her marry Roger.

  “That’d be cool….” Shad nodded thoughtfully. “‘Course, I’m a black man, you know, and the farther you go back in time, the worse it gets for us. I think I’ll stay right here.”

  “So what would your pick be? Super strength, right? No… super speed!”

  Shad shook his head soberly at both of her guesses. “Nope. I think I may have those already, too.” Maggie elbowed him in his skinny ribs, and he giggled like the old Shad.

  “So what would it be?”

  “Sometimes…I just wish I could disappear.” Shad said quietly, all traces of laughter gone from his voice.

  Maggie was stunned into silence.

  Shad continued, a faraway look stealing across his face. “Then I could come and go as I please. Nobody could ever stop me or tell me I don’t belong. I could walk in to any restaurant,” Shad started ticking things off on his fingers, “any night club, movie set, NFL game, NBA game, airplane, or country in the world, and nobody would be the wiser. Complete freedom, Mags. I wouldn’t have to have money or things. I would just take what I needed. I wouldn’t be greedy or take from people who couldn’t afford it.”

  “That’s not freedom. “ Maggie thought of Johnny, with all his mind-blowing abilities and absolutely no freedom. “Being invisible would come with a lot of difficulties and limitations. What about when you fell in love, or got tired of being invisible and wanted good conversation or a friend, but nobody knew you existed?”

  “Heck, Maggie. Nobody knows I exist now! The only time anybody notices me is when they want somebody to pick on or embarrass.”

  Maggie sighed, understanding completely.

  “Maybe invisibility isn’t what I’d choose,’” Shad said, reconsidering. “Maybe I would just wish to be somebody else – like…maybe, I could pick a life and just jump in. Do you think Kobe or LeBron would mind me taking over their life?”

  “Probably…and I would miss you.”

  “Really…you would?” Shad’s voice was so hopeful, it made Maggie ache.

  “Yes Shad, I would. Why don’t you just make your life the best it can be? There are so many possibilities out there. You live in a great country, you are healthy, young, smart – heck, you already have super speed and super strength.” Maggie grinned at Shad. “Nothing is holding you back. Why would you want to disappear or be anyone else?”

  “Because…then….maybe you would love me the way I love you.”

  Not this again! Striving for patience, Maggie chose her words very carefully.

  “I do love you, Shad. But you’re fourteen, and you have a lot of life ahead of you before you need to shackle yourself to one woman. You’re probably going to fall in love a million times. Someday, someone is definitely going to fall head over heels in love with you, Shadrach Jasper, and then you won’t want to trade places with anyone else. You won’t even remember me, then. It will be like I just disappeared.”

  Shad stood up abruptly, making the swing shake from side to side.
Maggie let out a surprised “eek!” and gripped the chains supporting the swing to prevent herself from being dumped on the porch. Shad looked down at her, his expression fierce and his voice vehement. He shook his scrawny finger in her face as he scolded her.

  “Don’t ever say that, Maggie! I worry sometimes that you will disappear….that Johnny Kinross will carry you away to his invisible world…and you’ll never come back.” Shad looked close to tears, and he slumped back down next to her once more, making the swing bobble and shake all over again.

  “Shad….really? Be serious.” Maggie’s heart was pounding oddly; stepping into Johnny’s world was something she had daydreamed about many times. Tentatively, she reached over and took Shad’s hand in hers. He gripped it hard and laid his head on her shoulder. His voice was muffled by her sleeve when he finally spoke again.

  “Just…stay here, okay Maggie?”

  “Don’t worry, Shad. I’m not going anywhere.” And sadly, Maggie feared her words were all too true.

  14

  “COLD, COLD HEART”

  Tony Bennett - 1951

  By Friday, thoughts of Johnny consumed her, and Maggie couldn't keep her mind on the dance routine she was rehearsing with her team. Her little mistakes had drawn Dara’s ire, and Maggie wondered again why the team captain seemed to hate her so much. From the very beginning, she had been almost vicious. The night of dance team tryouts, Maggie had been living with her aunt for exactly two weeks and had known absolutely no one. Still, she’d always wanted to be on a dance team, and she heard about the tryouts and had decided to go for it. That night,after tryouts, Dara had informed Maggie that her glasses were 'atrocious' and she needed a serious makeover.

  Dara’s critical comments had bewildered her, but Maggie had just shrugged and laughed, letting it roll off her back; but it had still hurt. If Maggie had fought back she could have replied that Dara's eyes were too close together, and her chin was too small, but she would never have pointed those things out; it would have been cold and classless, just like Dara herself. But she'd thought them.

  "Maggie O'Bannon!" Dara shrieked and stomped over to the music, pushing pause with an exaggerated huff. 'You are throwing the rest of the team off. It's a triple pirouette there, not a double. If you can't keep up, there's the door." Dara crossed her arms under her fake boobs and tapped her pedicured foot impatiently.

  Maggie stepped forward and did a flawless triple pirouette, followed by a standing aerial, and then slid into the splits. Rising lightly to her feet, she smiled sweetly.

  "I can keep up, Dara." A couple of the girls hooted and clapped, but Dara rolled her eyes.

  "Whatever, Baggie. Isn't that what your friends call you? Just don't make us look bad tonight at the basketball game." Dara turned from Maggie dismissively and clapped her hands, raising her voice to include everyone in the room.

  "Remember everyone! We’re performing at halftime tonight. Everyone needs to be there at 6:30 sharp! We're wearing our black sequined costumes and our hair slicked back in a bun. No glasses, Maggie. Stage make-up everyone! You know what that means! Oh, and Maggie, if you need help, I'm sure Jody can lend you a few things." Dara said this in a syrupy sweet voice, and the same girls giggled as had before.

  "And remember, we are hosting the dance after the game, and it is semi- formal! We're the dance team, ladies, not girl’s basketball," Dara said snidely. Some of her teammates laughed, but Maggie knew a couple girls on the basketball team who were a lot better looking than Dara, plus they could kick her butt if they felt like it. But she remained silent as Dara continued.

  "That means we look like girls and we dress like girls. Make sure you represent." Again her eyes shifted pointedly to Maggie. Maggie refused to squirm.

  Maggie loved to dance, but she didn't care much for the school dances, especially date dances. Tonight, she didn't have a dress or a date. Shad would probably go with her, even though he was still sulking and extremely moody, but going to the dance with a fourteen-year-old who looked twelve would, sadly, be worse for her socially than going alone.

  "Who has a date for tonight?" Dara continued, almost as if she had read Maggie's mind.

  Most of the girls raised their hands, and excited chatter immediately commenced all over the room. Maggie just sighed and gathered her things. She wouldn't be going to the dance and hopefully no one would notice. As a member of the dance team certain things were required, but she thought they could manage tonight without her. Unfortunately, Dara had other plans.

  "Maggie, you're not raising your hand. No date, huh? Darn!" Dara's sentiment was about as genuine as her boobs. "Well, I guess that means you can take tickets. Make sure you're at the ticket table, ready to go, before nine! We don't want anyone getting in without paying, right? Remember all the money from ticket sales goes toward Region competition."

  Jody Evans slid down next to Maggie as the other girls filed out and patted her knee companionably.

  "I really can do your makeup, Maggie. I'll meet you back here before the game. That way if Dara makes a snotty comment, I can tell her I was the one who did it. That should shut her up," Jody whispered conspiratorially. "She's just jealous of girls like you who really don't need a stitch of makeup to be gorgeous. Plus, you're a better dancer than she is, and everyone on the team knows it."

  Maggie smiled gratefully at Jody. Jody was one of that rare breed of girls who is pretty, popular and nice. She had a large group of friends and wasn’t kind for any ulterior reasons. It was just simply who she was, and she had been friendly and welcoming to Maggie from the very beginning. Jody had been slipping her tips and tools since her very first performance with the team. The help with her makeup that night would be much appreciated, especially if it would shut Dara up. Dancing was one thing, make-up and know how was another, and Maggie had very little of either.

  "I won't make you look like a clown. We'll make it work for the dance afterward, too. You're not going to have any time to go home and get ready if you're taking tickets."

  Maggie's stomach cramped nervously. The makeup problem was solved, but what in the world was she going to do about a dress?

  ***

  Maggie couldn’t afford to miss a day of work, even for a dress emergency, and she raced through her janitorial duties, mentally sifting through her meager wardrobe for ideas. She had two skirts that she alternated each Sunday for church, but they were way too casual, and that was about it in the dress department.

  Gus knew she had to perform that night at the basketball game, and he made sure she would finish by 4:30. There was no music to distract her or make her smile. For what ever reason, Johnny was still keeping his distance. Something quaked inside Maggie at the thought that he might stay away permanently. Her little circle of friends was small enough.

  Shad was hollow-eyed and quiet, and he had kept to himself, his mother’s arrest obviously weighing on his mind. Maggie hadn’t wanted to press, but she was worried about her friend. Gus didn’t look much better. Maggie wished Malia Jasper would go away and stay gone. But who really knew if Shad and Jasper felt that way? Surely, a man like Gus Jasper loved his daughter, in spite of everything. Shad obviously loved his mother, too. The taunts wouldn’t hurt so badly if he didn’t. Family stuff was complicated at best -- the good, bad, and ugly all tangled up in the ties that bind. And poor Shad seemed as torn and tangled as a fourteen-year-old boy could possibly be.

  Maggie rode her bike hard for home and rushed through the front door at 5:00. Not stopping to even say hello to Aunt Irene, she raced for her closet, searching for a wardrobe miracle. She found nothing but dust bunnies and worn out options. Where was her fairy godmother when she needed her? Feeling a lump the size of Mars rising in her throat, Maggie fell onto her narrow bed and tried to breathe deeply, forcing the tears away.

  “Crying won’t make a dress appear, Mags,” she told herself, rubbing fiercely at her smarting eyes. But the sorrow she felt was deeper than a dress, and she felt the fissure in her chest widen, as the d
am threatened to break. The flood of grief and fear she had been holding in all week began to spill out. Maggie bit down on her pillow and forced the sorrow back. She would not cry over a stupid dance or stupid Dara, for that matter. She would wear what she had, and it would be okay…

  “Margaret?” Irene’s gentle voice drifted under the door, and Maggie sat up and smoothed her tumbled hair, oddly grateful for the interruption.

  “Just a minute, Auntie!” Maggie yelled and hoped her wobbly voice didn’t give her away. If Irene knew the reason Maggie cried it would hurt her, and Maggie wouldn’t hurt Aunt Irene for anything. She never wanted Irene to regret taking her in.

  Aunt Irene slipped the door open and peered in, her kind face wearing a concerned frown. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

  “Oh sure, fine!” Maggie answered brightly, nodding her head and smiling. “Just a little tired. It’s been a long day, and I’ve got the game tonight, and the dance team is hosting the big dance afterward, and I’m taking tickets, so it’s going to be a lot longer still..” Maggie realized she was babbling and stopped, smiling and nodding her head some more. “So….. yeah,” she finished lamely.

  “Gus called and said he thought you seemed a little upset. Is everything okay at school? Gus said there are posters all over advertising the dance. Are you sad because no one asked you?” Aunt Irene sat beside Maggie on the bed and reached for her hand.

  “It’s probably because you’re new, dear. And you’re so beautiful. Sometimes the beautiful girls don’t get asked because it’s assumed they already have a date, and sometimes the boys are intimidated by them.” Now Aunt Irene was babbling.

  “Somehow, I don’t think my beauty is the problem, Aunt Irene,” Maggie replied wryly. “Most of the kids at school haven’t noticed me at all, and if they have, it’s not for my stunning good looks.” The incident in the hallway several weeks ago flashed into her brain. Yep, those boys definitely weren’t intimidated by her beauty – her backpack maybe, but not her looks. The memory made her all the more depressed and brought Johnny’s absence raging to the forefront of her mind once more. Shoving thoughts of him to the back of her brain, she smiled wanly at her aunt.