Sweet Release

glanced at the bedside table to check the time and was startled by what she saw. Tim’s side of the bed was ruffled and the duvet cover was flipped over as if he had just crawled out of bed. There was even a head imprint on his pillow. She remembered waking in the same position she fell asleep in. She hadn’t moved.

  Joy leapt into her heart and warmed her soul with hope. Did she dream it all? Was Tim really alive? Her eyes frantically searched the room, but the ache in her heart brought her back to reality, forcing her to face the truth—excruciatingly so. Tim was definitely gone…she must have just rolled onto his side of the bed, at some point.

  Annie sighed, slumping her shoulders. Realizing she couldn’t recall the last time she ate or drank something, she figured now would be a good time to face the kitchen. She moved mindlessly through the upstairs hall and down the stairs to the massive family-style kitchen. She stepped over the threshold to the kitchen and froze as something caught her eye.

  The coffee machine was on—the scent of coffee filled the air, teasing its way into her nostrils. She held her breath, avoiding the noxious aroma, as questions flooded her mind.

  “Surely it hasn’t been on all this time,” she muttered while crossing the kitchen to hit the off switch on the coffee machine. Almost instantly, the powerful aroma of fresh coffee slapped her hard across the face. She gagged and raced to the bathroom, convinced she would vomit, but once she escaped the odor and bent over the toilet, nothing happened. Her body convulsed as it trembled, and her heart pounded ferociously in her chest. She sat on the cold ceramic tile, waiting for her nerves to settle.

  She wondered about Tim’s pillow and the freshly made coffee. Was she in some kind of dream state? Was it possible that Tim was alive? Then, where was he?

  “Don’t be a crazy fool,” Annie said to herself. “Tim is gone, and he isn’t coming back.”

  Did she sleep walk and make the coffee herself? It was definitely a fresh pot, too. If it had been on for the past three weeks, the coffee would have burnt off.

  The more she questioned it, the more she realized that it was probably her. Possibly, in her depressive state, she made the coffee herself, out of habit, and just forgot, or she was half asleep when she did it.

  Searching her memory, she came up empty. The events of the day played in her mind but they were hazy because exhaustion clouded the details, so… maybe? She picked herself up off the floor and reentered the kitchen.

  “Maybe I should eat something. Probably, I’m delusional from malnourishment,” Annie said as she opened the fridge. Her mom must have gone shopping, because the fridge was stocked with fresh food. She smiled as her mouth began to salivate. “Thank you, Mom.”

  Careful to avoid the spot where she had discovered Tim’s body, Annie sat at the table and inhaled two sandwiches and a glass of milk before heading back up to bed. This time, sleep didn’t come as easily, and she lay tossing and turning. She rolled onto her side facing Tim’s side of the bed and reached out to caress his pillow. As she did so, the scent of his cologne filled the air and hit her like a ton of bricks. It was so strong—like he just put it on. Momentarily stunned, she squeezed her eyes shut, silently reminding herself, yet again, that Tim was gone.

  “I’m just so sensitive to it because I haven’t been home in a while. Oh, Tim! I miss you so much,” she moaned, burying her face in his pillow, taking in his scent. It was a delicious mix of musky woods and amber. It was the only cologne he owned, and he wore it every day because he knew she loved it.

  Life without Tim was difficult to imagine. They had only been together a year, but they were very much in love, so it felt like a lifetime. The moment they first met, Annie knew he was her soulmate—eight months later they married in Vegas. Every second of every day, since their first date, Annie lived and breathed their love. Tim was her best friend and they shared an intense connection and passion for each other. They had only been married a month when they bought this house and were excited at the prospect of building a life together in it.

  Annie scowled. How foolish they had been, living blissfully ignorant, never for a second considering that they would be ripped apart. Now she was alone. Tim was gone, and she was alone. She closed her eyes and imagined him beside her, and he was smiling, and she was happy, and he was alive. Thoughts of a happier time eased her mind, enabling sleep to mercifully whisk her away to the only place she wanted to be.

  …The warm summer breeze whipped through the holes of the hammock and lightly caressed their skin as she and Tim snuggled, waiting for the moon to rise. A murmuration of starlings danced from tree to tree—the perfect unison of their song buzzed through the air. As in tune with each other as the starlings overhead, Annie and Tim’s bodies melded together. She relished in the feel of his arms around her and his breath on her cheek. He kissed her tenderly and familiar butterflies fluttered in her stomach, as they did each time he kissed her. She snuggled in and sighed serenely. His fingers trailed lazily up and down her bare arms—her flesh burned from his touch as her body came to life with need. Her heart, so full of love, pounded in her chest, begging for more…She drifted through clouds in the comfort of his arms…his lips on hers as close to nirvana as…Annie opened her eyes to immediate sorrow and the realization that she would never again feel Tim’s lips against hers and the butterflies that went with it. She would never again be wrapped in his arms or feel his flesh against hers. The boulder in her chest weighed heavily on her soul, pointedly reminding her that she was supposed to move on without him.

  Accepting the shitty fact that he was gone wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Annie reluctantly lifted her head from his pillow, inhaling slowly, reveling in the heavenly scent her husband left behind. She looked to the window, admiring the light of the glorious full moon as it spilled into the dark room, reminding her of her dream and warming her heart. The moment disappeared as movement caught her eye. For one delusional second, her heart raced with adrenaline as she saw Tim standing by the window, but she blinked, and he was gone.

  Jolting upright, she gaped at the spot where she was sure he had been standing. Hope dwindled until the scent of his cologne, fresh in the air, wafted by—its mist splashing across her cheeks. She flinched and then froze, scanning the darkness.

  “Tim? Are you really here? Oh, God. Please, let it be you. Otherwise, I’m going crazy.”

  Maybe she dreamt his death. Maybe this soul-sucking funk was the aftershock of a terrible nightmare. Maybe depression played a hand in the illusion. Annie didn’t know, anymore. Confusion muddled her mind as tears began to flow. The coffee, the ruffled bed, his cologne, and now his silhouette—it was all too much. Minutes passed as she searched her mind for clarity and it eventually arrived. She shook her head at her foolishness, brushing her palms across her cheeks to wipe away the tears.

  “I know you’re gone. Are you? I just miss you so much. Please if you’re here, let me see you,” Annie pleaded through desperate tears. “I’ll do anything! Just come back to me!” The silent room ignored her pleas.

  Giving up the crazy game, Annie turned away from the window and the hope of ever seeing her husband again. Defeated, she hung her legs over the edge of the bed and slumped her shoulders. Tim’s gone. The truth punched her straight in her already broken heart as she bowed her head and cried until she felt weak—if it was possible to feel any weaker. Unending sorrow poured from her eyes, washing over her pain and burning her soul like salt on a fresh wound.

  A cool breeze caressed her damp face, interrupting her breakdown. She looked up to discover Tim standing before her.

  She wasn’t delusional.

  He was there!

  Moonlight twirled through the window, illuminating his silhouette. She searched for his eyes in the dark as he reached out, cupped her face in his hands, and leaned in to kiss her.

  Joy leapt through her heart as she felt his flesh on hers. It was flesh, warm and soft.

  Was it all a dream?

  Was it true that he was ali
ve and never died of heart failure?

  Scenarios of every sort flashed through her mind, but as their lips met, understanding for what happened to Tim became clear.

  The tender kiss that she knew so well, and had only just dreamt of, was not the kiss of the man before her.

  It looked like Tim, it smelled like Tim, but it wasn’t Tim!

  Whatever it was—sucked her life breath from her with its kiss…and she let it.

  As her life faded, insight washed over her, and she envisioned how Tim died. He thought he was kissing her! She nodded her understanding against its lips.

  Surprisingly, she wasn’t afraid. Life wasn’t worth living without Tim and the thought of going on without him was killing her, anyway…

  She had no desire to fight—there was nothing to fight for.

  This thing that gently stole her life, offered her an escape. So, she wrapped her arms around him and welcomed his kiss, holding him to her lips until her arms began to weaken. This was her only chance—she had to take it, hoping only to be with Tim and be free of the torment she endured while being without him.

  The painless, life-sucking kiss replaced the sorrow in her heart with peace. Her soul, released from its confines, filled the air around her lifeless corpse, and then faded away, like a breeze in the moonlit night.