Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
here for/
RITA
You know I could have you kicked you out, don’t you? I could at this very moment call security…
ADAMASTOR
But what have I done?
RITA
Now Mister, you practically deceived security and/
ADAMASTOR
No, security told me to see your secretary, but/
RITA
Yes, and she’ll get fired for not being there.
ADAMASTOR
No need, please! I don’t want to cause any trouble!
RITA
There’s no way back!
ADAMASTOR
I don’t want to/
RITA
Nonsense, admit you want.
ADAMASTOR
No, I don’t!
RITA
Confess you have wanted it all this time, ever since you set eyes on me?
ADAMASTOR
Yes, but/
RITA
Adamastor, although it might not look that way, I have to admit: I like you!
ADAMASTOR
Do you?
RITA
Yes, you have potential.
ADAMASTOR
Do I?
RITA
What do you do, Adamastor?
ADAMASTOR
I? I... drive/
RITA
I see! So it’s acceptable that you wish to drive me into allowing you to do whatever you want. Letting you be on top! Many men dream of that!
ADAMASTOR
Is that so?
RITA
(Smiling)
Keeping your strategy flowing, huh?
(Annoyed)
Of course, everybody always wants that! What do you think; even I started from the bottom. Or do you think I got to be who I am by fucking someone?
ADAMASTOR
Not at all!
RITA
But I assure you, many tried! After all, I am an extremely attractive woman!
(Silence.)
RITA
Now, you can endorse it!
ADAMASTOR
Yes, you certainly are!
RITA
But I wanted to climb the corporate ladder for my skills, not my looks.
ADAMASTOR
It’s reasonable.
RITA
In the world of television, one has to manage many egos, mainly when everyone believes himself to be an artist. Everybody thinks that art transforms people. They forget that people like me are the ones who transform others in genuine artists. I transform them, not art.
ADAMASTOR
Perhaps this is not a good day. I should’ve come some other time.
RITA
On the contrary, your boldness has charmed me!
ADAMASTOR
Has it?
RITA
(Grabbing Adamastor by his shirt collar)
You’ve got a bright future, Adamastor!
(Letting him go)
But we must change that name! Adamastor is positively not suitable for a TV star!
ADAMASTOR
A TV star?
RITA
I know, as a driver you would probably make a great director, but I think it is important that you start your career in front of the cameras, so you can later understand an actor’s craft better. That’ll surely help you become an acclaimed director.
ADAMASTOR
Will it?
RITA
Oliver Olive!
ADAMASTOR
Who?
RITA
You!
ADAMASTOR
Me?
RITA
You! From now on, you're Oliver Olive!
ADAMASTOR
But I am...
RITA
It’s a great name! Excellent! Adamastor is awful! There’s no kick in Adamastor! No glamour whatsoever! Adamastor sucks.
ADAMASTOR
As long as I get the job.
RITA
Now, we have almost reached a deal! Letting me know the real reason you are here is an extraordinary beginning. But I like your strategy.
ADAMASTOR
Is the job mine then?
RITA
Yes, Oliver. You got it! I will make your dream come true!
ADAMASTOR
Thanks!
RITA
But it won’t be easy!
ADAMASTOR
I didn’t think it would!
RITA
Stardom has a price!
ADAMASTOR
I just want...
RITA
To practice your new business.
ADAMASTOR
Yup!
RITA
First, we must change your style; buy you a whole new wardrobe. Etiquette classes will also be vital! Acting, ballroom dancing, tap dancing, singing! You’ll be a full-fledged actor!
ADAMASTOR
But all I wanted was to…
RITA
I know! In due time, you will.
(The intercom on the desk rings and they stare at it in silence.)
RITA
Give me a minute! I’ll get your contract! The world will be yours, Oliver!
(RITA leaves stage through the opposite side ADAMASTOR entered.)
ADAMASTOR
(Wondering)
Oliver Olive!
(MARLUCY enters.)
MARLUCY
Who are you?
ADAMASTOR
Olive. Oliver Olive, at your service.
MARLUCY
And what are you doing here?
ADAMASTOR
Waiting to sign my contract.
MARLUCY
Contract?
ADAMASTOR
At first, I thought I was gonna drive, but...
MARLUCY
Are you the one who called about the driver job?
ADAMASTOR
Yes! But it seems she’s got better plans for me!
(ADAMASTOR points at the empty chair.)
MARLUCY
She?
ADAMASTOR
I promise I’ll intervene on your behalf.
MARLUCY
Intervene on my behalf?
ADAMASTOR
Not being here when I arrive was a mistake, and you can’t deny it. But I think Marlucy will…
MARLUCY
I am Marlucy!
ADAMASTOR
But I just talked to...
MARLUCY
(Sitting at her desk)
Please, leave your references on my desk.
ADAMASTOR
But I/
MARLUCY
We’ll get in touch later when we have an answer.
ADAMASTOR
But/
MARLUCY
(On the intercom)
Rita, come over here.
ADAMASTOR
But...
(RITA enters stage.)
RITA
Yes, ma’am?
MARLUCY
Walk Mr. Olive out, please.
RITA
Right away.
ADAMASTOR
(Puzzled)
But you?
(Pointing to RITA)
She?
(Pointing to MARLUCE)
RITA
(Kindly showing him the way)
Please, Mr. Olive...
(Feeling embarrassed, ADAMASTOR follows RITA out while she secretly whispers in his ear.)
RITA
Pay my secretary no mind. She’s been with me for years now and occasionally throws a fit.
ADAMASTOR
A fit?
RITA
Megalomania. Didn’t you notice?
(ADAMASTOR and RITA leave the stage. MARLUCY is alone. She comfortably sits down on her chair, puts her feet on her desk, lights a cigar and takes a deep drag.)
MARLUCY
Making other peoples’ dreams happen is a tough job to endure. Yes, I make dreams come true! I turn people into celebrities!
I! I! I!
(MARLUCY lets out an outrageous frightening laugh).
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT NOT BEING FAT, BUT HOT
I hate when I ask if I am fat, and he says I am hot. “No, you are not fat” that’s all I'd like to hear. Why are men so complicated? ‘Hot’ is a very unfortunate word choice for not saying you are fat. ‘Hot’ reminds me of a puffy cake, a delicious pie, a batch of tasty brownies, a juicy pork roast, and a creamy cheese tart that just left the oven. They are all fattening, rather fattening stuff. You can even measure the amount of cellulite and localized fat hidden in those words. Being ‘hot’ means that you have eaten enough chocolate truffles to start looking like one. My last depressive episode came just after he called me a ‘hottie’, then turned to his side, fell asleep, and probably dreamt he was fucking Gisele Bündchen: that ‘horrible skinny bitch’. Men came up with words like ‘hot’ and 'hottie' after realizing ‘cuddly’ was no longer proper, ‘sturdy’ better-suited men and ‘cute’ was for children. In short, men always find a stupid way to put us down.
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LILIAN AND THE AYURVEDIC MEDICINE – OR YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT
A birthday party is in progress. LILIAN and DEBORAH enter the stage from opposite sides. They greet each other effusively jumping up and down as if they haven’t met in a long time.
LILIAN
(Thrilled)
Deborah!!!!
DEBORAH
(Equally thrilled)
Lilian!!!!
LILIAN
Long time no see, girl!
DEBORAH
Tell me about it! It seems we only meet at birthday parties now.
LILIAN
Life has been too busy lately, hasn’t it?
(They both nod in agreement)
DEBORAH
What’s new?
LILIAN
What have you been up to?
DEBORAH
You go first! You look awesome!
LILIAN
(Showing false modesty)
Do you think so?
DEBORAH
What happened?
(Whispering)
Did you have a lipo?
LILIAN
I cut gluten out of my diet!
DEBORAH
You’re kidding!
LILIAN
I swear! It changed my life! I was constantly annoyed and stressed… All it took was a drop of a pin on the floor to drive me mad. Crazy!
DEBORAH
Wow! And was it all because of gluten?
(LILIAN nods.)
LILIAN
Can you believe it? To tell you the truth I took a wide-ranging meal cutback.
DEBORAH
I’m dying to do that! I’m tired of diets that amount to nothing.
LILIAN
Naturally, each body works uniquely. Each person has a metabolism, physical issues, and emotions. Everything has to be considered.
DEBORAH
Sure! And what’s your secret?
LILIAN
Ayurvedic Medicine!
DEBORAH
Really! I heard a lot about it! I’m eager to know it.
LILIAN
So do! Don’t waste any time. It’s amazing. They can tell who you are by just scrutinizing your tongue.
(LILIAN sticks her tongue out.)
DEBORAH
It’s extraordinary! But is it too hard to follow?
LILIAN
Okay, I won’t lie to you! It’s way, way too hard!
(DEBORAH withers.)
LILIAN
Don’t give up! Once you get the hang of it, you don’t want any other life. Girl, the things they sell you in the supermarkets here in Brazil.
DEBORAH
Is poison!
LILIAN
Have you ever read the labels?
DEBORAH
Shocking!
LILIAN
Everything