Revolution in Flopdoodle

  “I was informed by telephone from Great Syssling-on-the-Grydle by a gentleman who described himself as a dandelion. I was at first uncertain as to whether he was mad or drunk, or perhaps both. However my sister Maria, who is the housekeeper, assured me that it was a Romantic Pseudonym, and that the gentleman in question spent his time rescuing people who got themselves ‘mixed up’ in Revolutions. She reads the Sunday papers, Your Lordship”, he ended apologetically.

  “Oh yes," said Quangle. “She is quite right. Well Simons, thank you very much. Could you go ahead now and serve dinner as soon as you can?"

  Very good, Your Lordship," said Simons, and he glided off. After looking round for a few minutes at the flowers in front of the castle, Quangle ran up the steps and also disappeared inside, while the building was at last able to close its mouth and stop looking like a very aged person at the dentists.

 

  **********

  The next three months were to be three of the most important months in Flopdudlian history, but for the present we will take a look at the general situation on May 8th, the day the Royal Family fled from Flopford. Richard V was proclaimed King at the hands of the Baron,. and had anyone but the Baron known where he was, he would have taken his rightful place as ruler of the country; his position would have been quite secure , and a long and successful reign would have been his – perhaps. Unhappily for him this did not come about. The revolutionaries were forced therefore to try to set up a Regency of some sort, and at three o'clock in the afternoon a Council of the Conspirators met to do something about it. Meanwhile, at Fizzling Towers, His Majesty was holding a Council upon his own account, to see how they could regain his throne. The three were seated around the large mahogany table in what was now Quangle's study.

  Quangle rapidly outlined. the situation as I have above for the benefit of His Majesty. They had heard the two o'clock Revolutionary News, the only station still broadcasting.

  "Well," said His Majesty intelligently, when Quangle had finished; "would it not be a good idea to try to get hold of the Duke of Delphinium or Richard – or whatever you want to call the hideous little creature, ourselves?"

  "Of course it would," answered the Prime Minister rather sharply, "but no-one knows where he is."

  "You know," said Quangle, "I think this would be a job for the Yellow Dandelion, if he would agree to do it."

  "A good idea," agreed the ex-King. "Let's ask him, if he is still here."

  After a few minutes Quangle returned with the person in question, to whom they at once explained what they meant.

  "Well," said the Yellow Dandelion at last, "it's not my usual line of country, but all the same I think I know where he is all right, and it shouldn't be hard to get him out."

  "Where?" asked His Majesty, with some astonishment.

  "I think Baron Balderdash has hidden him at Castle Koffmikscher. I have to keep my eye on all sorts of people and a. few days ago I happened to be talking to one of the Baron's private body-guard, and he told me they had a. prisoner at the Castle who was kept very secret, and also that he had heard a rumour that it was the King himself (meaning Richard V of course.) I, for one, shouldn't be at all surprised. The Baron thinks a great deal of himself; I think he has visions of himself acting as Regent and even of sitting on the Throne in his own right. The thought amuses me more than somewhat!"

  "Will you do it then?' asked Quangle excitedly.

  "I will if I can. Anything to shorten the Revolution -- it could save a lot of lives."

  "Thank you so much...." began His Majesty.

  "There was just one other thing," put in Quangle hastily. The secret passages. In case the rebels were to come looking for us. I was just wondering if you knew any here?"

  "No, I'm afraid not," came the reply with a. slow shake of the head. "I know there are passages, quite a. lot of them, but I don't know where they come out. But I do. know that one starts from the old well in the shrubbery, if you liked to explore it? I'll have to leave it to you. I must get back to Flopford tonight – there are lots of folk to be rescued. and I wanted to say goodbye, and to thank you for your hospitality here."

  They said farewell to the Yellow Dandelion, and having thanked him for their rescue, they saw him driving off on the box of the coach in which they had come, whistling happily, Then, having found some electric torches, His Majesty and Quangle went off to explore the well.

  They found it in the shrubbery as they had expected. It was lined with brick, and rose about two feet off the ground, with no sign of winding machinery, bucket, nor rope. Quangle dropped a stone down it; it took some time to drop and finally splashed into water. So if there was a secret passage it would start higher up the shaft. An iron ladder led down one side of the well, which was otherwise a bare tunnel of brick, and Quangle got over the side and leaned on it. It seemed quite safe.

  "All right," he announced; swinging himself over the side, "I'll go first," and he began climbing down, "Come on down, it's not as deep as I thought," he called up to His Majesty, who climbed over the parapet too. "It's quite pleasant here, and the air is nice and fresh," came Quangle's muffled voice from under his feet. "Stop a moment. There's a hole in the wall. It's not as far down as I expected." The light of an electric torch flickered over the brickwork in a vague way, and there was a sound of scuffling. "There, I've done it!" said Quangle with pride. "You come down now. I'll give you a. hand."

  His Majesty glanced up and saw a small round blue circle of sky. in which, although it was daylight outside, a. pale golden star twinkled weakly. He was still wondering at that when he found himself on a. level with Quangle, who was standing in what he saw was indeed the mouth of a passage. In a few moments he was standing beside him. The tunnel was not as well built. as any one of those though which they had escaped from the Palace. it was very musty indeed, but the air, as in the well, was quite fresh. It was also excessively narrow, and sharp points of rock were inclined to reach out and catch on, and tear at, their clothes. At first it was level, and then after two right-angled bends where the passage narrowed, and it was quite hard to squeeze past, they began to go up slowly. They came to another, and rather wider. bend, and found a. flight of steps leading upwards.

  "Go on," said His Majesty, to Quangle, who had stopped for breath. At the top of the stone steps as a short landing, and here Quangle stopped for another rest. In front of them was a flight of wooden steps, quite worn in the middle with passing feet.

  "During the Middle Ages," whispered Quangle, turning to His Majesty -- but he was not there! "Good gracious!" he said out loud, quite startled. "Wherever has he gone?"

  He walked backwards and forwards on the landing, and even back down the stone steps and up again, but he showed no signs of vanishing himself. Then he felt the walls for hidden doors, with no more result.

  "Well now, that really is odd,” he thought to himself. “I wonder what happened? What should I do? Well, I suppose the most likely way out of this passage would be at its end, so I think I’ll just go on to the end. It must end somewhere,” and with this comforting idea in his head, trod gingerly on the wooden steps. Nothing surprising happened, so he hurried up them. There was another bend at the top and he noticed that the sides of the passage were now wooden and no longer stone. This time there was just a short corridor, which appeared to end in a blank wall. He rushed forward and felt it all over; one upper corner seemed a little loose, and he leant his full weight on it. The panel slid sideways with a bang, and as he stepped forward, something fell on him, something also seemed to touch him; his torch fell to the ground and went out, he his out furiously in the dark and bruised his knuckles ..... A door gave way with a click - and he tumbled out of the cupboard on top of the Thing, right into his Coin Room!

  “Really!” he exclaimed. “It was a skeleton last time but this time it’s a clothes horse with some clothes on it which look as though they belonged to it”!” He rang the bell angrily, with a great creaking of the faded red be
ll-rope and rattling of the wires. In a few moments Simons answered it.

  “You rang, Your Lordship?” he enquired, very correctly.

  “Of course I rang!” said Quangle crossly. “It was quite bad enough finding the 4th Earl in this cupboard last time, without finding his clothes in it this time! I thought I gave orders that it should be cleared out for my coins?“

  "Your Lordship did, and it was. But the clothes are historic, they are the Coronation Robes which the First Earl wore in 1441 at the Coronation of Alexander VIII, the last of the Alexandride Dynasty. He, as Your Lordship will doubtless remember, was the successor of Peter Il, who created the First· Earl. and was later murdered by him. We keep the Robes worn at all the Coronations in a cupboard downstairs. but the last Earl, for some reason, liked these to be kept up here, and when he left, and Your Lordship discovered the cupboard, they were put in there out of the way."

  "Well thank-you, then," said Quangle, who had by this time picked himself up and dusted himself. "That's quite all right. Oh, just a moment" he added, as a thought struck him, "have you seen His Majesty? We were exploring for secret passages and found one - but when I turned round he had gone. Has he come down for tea? I had to get out through the cupboard," he explained, pointing to it, "But there was no sign of His Majesty anywhere. While I think of it, what rooms are below this one?' Have you a. plan of the Castle?"

  "There are; as I believe I have explained to Your Lordship before," replied Simons in his dignified tones, "some plans somewhere in the Library, and I believe also that some of them include secret passages. The room directly below this one is the Royal Suite occupied by His Majesty. Does your Lordship want the secret passage and cupboard closed again?"

  "No. thank you, Simons. I'll have a shot at it myself first. That's all then, thanks."

  "Very good, Your Lordship."

  The butler retired silently, and Quangle turned to the cupboard. To his surprise, and it must be admitted also considerably to his alarm, he found that the sliding panel had closed of its own accord. He felt around for a way of opening it in case of need, but he could find none. Then the thought struck him that it might possibly only work when the door of the cupboard was closed. He examined the door closely to make sure that he could open it at will from the inside. He was reassured to find that it only had a. click-lock, and that it was just necessary to push to open easily; so he struck a match, got into the cupboard, and shut the door. The butler had taken the clothes with him so there was no difficulty on that account

  He felt and pressed the panel, having to strike several matches before he came to the conclusion that it was no good.. So he reopened the door, and examined the rest of the inside of the cupboard. Nothing. So he came out again and looked round the room. An old gas bracket next to the cupboard caught his eye, he tried turning on the tap, and was rewarded by a strong smell of gas. Struck by a brilliant thought he struck another match, and lit the jet. The flame was not very bright. but it enabled him to see more clearly than with a mere match. Another brilliant thought struck him, and he leant on the bracket. Nothing happened. He shut the door as before, and then gradually leant his full weight on it. With a loud "twang" it broke off short, a blazing jet of gas leapt straight out of the wall at him, and set his hair on fire.. He leapt back and fell backwards on to a. glass case of coins which gave way underneath him with a crash and tinkle.

  It broke his fall. Pulling his coat over his hair, which had fortunately already gone out again, he struggled to his feet again. His Majesty winked at him enigmatically from a shiny gold piece on the floor. Clearly the gas bracket was a washout - it had nearly set the house on fire! But the gas still gave light so for the last time he examined .the cupboard.

  Now he came to think of it, why did a door that one only had to push to open have a handle? A handle on the outside, yes; it was necessary to pull on the outside as the door opened outwards, but why one on the inside? Sighing deeply. he got into the cupboard for the fourth time, taking great care not to get burnt. He turned the doorknob. It turned quite easily, and the panel beside the door suddenly slid back with a bang, and there was the corridor again, But of His Majesty there was no sign. So he opened the door of the cupboard and the panel immediately slammed shut, so quickly that a person searching would never know that it had been open.

  Leaving the cupboard open so that Simons could deal with the gas, Quangle hurried downstairs to tell the Prime Minister that he had still not found His Majesty.

  **********

  It was about six thirty in the evening when Quangle finally discovered how to work the secret door. In Flopford the Council of the conspirators had been getting nowhere with exceeding slowness all afternoon, and they were all beginning to lose their tempers. Of the four the Baron was definitely the greatest success but the nastiest character. His heavy sarcasm and complete dishonesty made him disliked and feared by the others and his splitting headache and violent indigestion were making him disliked and feared by himself. The Earl of Argleham had weak health, a weak character, a weak bladder, and, as far as the other three were concerned, a weak mind. The only thing about him that was not weak were his money-bags, which were very ample and much of the contents of which had found their way into the pockets of the other three (to help the revolution, according to them!) The Grand Duchess of Upper Gargling was a frightful person. She was of medium height and thin, wore hideous bead necklaces and far too many bracelets, had a passion for neat gin, smoked Turkish cigarettes, and spent her time trying to imagine that she was beautiful. She also talked a great deal in a loud metallic voice, especially when telling people that the problem with the poor was that they were idle, and when urging the collection from door to door of Seven Thousand Socks for the Starving (what the Starving were expected to do with them, since they obviously could not eat them, was not clear). None of the other three could stand her for a. moment, but she was the aunt and guardian of the Duke of Delphinium. The fourth conspirator, Sir Sidney Oswaldson, who had made an immense fortune in Steel already, had promised to aid the Revolution with it if he got a monopoly. He was rather a bluff military type, despising the other two men as lazy aristocrats, and despised by them as a. mere tradesman who had bought his baronetcy, though he would have said that at least he had paid for it. As for the Grand Duchess, he went in fear of his life of her, and she insisted on treating him as rather a. small boy that deserved to be spanked if he gets into mischief.

  Such were· the four who now ruled Flopdoodle, though not yet officially.

  It was to overcome this little difficulty that the four were gathered together. You see, as the new king had refused to lead their Revolution, you will remember that the Baron had hidden him, and then stated that he had been kidnapped by the supporters of His Majesty. Now, the people still believed that this was true, but he had, of course, not been found when Flopford had fallen. The question was, if they released the King, for the Baron had at last been forced to tell the others that it was he who really had him, would he sign the Regency document? The Baron thought not, and was not willing to try, because he wanted the throne himself, and did not want any of the others as Regents in the meantime. The other three ·thought that after his experience of the dungeon he would, and were willing to try; the only disadvantage being that he might have them executed first. The Earl put forward the rather intelligent suggestion that ·they could starve the King in his dungeon beforehand, get him to sign, and then produce him. But this still had the disadvantage, as pointed out by Sir Sidney, that he could then easily have them executed. In fact they had been going round in small circles.

  Suddenly an idea. began to grow in the Baron's mind. He himself could starve the King into submission; and thereby become not only Regent. but even Heir to the Throne! Naturally he did not say this out loud, but he did make a remark which might have changed the whole history of Flopdoodle.

  "Ach!" he declared; sensibly enough. "It is kvite clear zat ve gant go around for efer vit no King. Ve mu
st at least do de best ve gan, und dat is zu try dis plan zu starfe heem. De Refolution must go on. Bot perhaps ve gould try ennother King on de Zrone?"

  "No. use," said Sir Sidney. "The people wouldn't stand for it.

  "Bot eef he had been so badly dreated by ze vile anti-refolutionaries zat he had zu abdicate?"

  "Who could we put in his place?"

  "De Zvins?" suggested the Baron. "Or perhaps," be added with a generous wave of his pudgy hands, "Zomebody ... else?"

  "Well, in that case" Sir Sidney pointed out, 'we might as well keep the power ourselves without any title!"

  With all this sort of intrigue going on they did not get very far, and at last only the suggestion of the Baron that they should have tea (eating was one of the Baron's little specialities) saved them from a possible free fight. The Baron decided afterwards, when he had eaten much more than would have been good for two people. not to return to Castle Koffmikscher, but to stay at the Palace instead. Had he known that the pleasing tones which came from the telephone in reply belonged to the Yellow Dandelion, he would have changed his mind quite quickly. That enterprising individual had walked up to the Baron's front door - in disguise, needless to say - and. on learning that he was out, had asked to see his private secretary. He had been shown into the drawing room to wait, and, when the telephone rang, decided that he might as well answer it. After all, someone had to. When he had heard the Baron's message he quietly replaced the receiver' and lay back in his chair thinking. The door opened; and as he rose to his feet the Private Secretary was standing on the threshold. He advanced holding out his hand.

  "Pleased to meet you, Mr - er - er," he began, wringing the hand the Yellow Dandelion extended to him.

  "Smith," supplied the latter. Smith is the commonest Flopdudlian surname. Odd, that.

  " - Smith. Mr Smith," went on the Secretary. "Well, what can ! do for you?"