Lost in Glory

  "They are nesting. In thatched roofs."

  "They are?! That's bad! We'll check all the roofs!" This got the mayor scared a bit.

  "Yes, you do that." Vannard was very pleased by the reaction. Checking roofs for weasels would take the paladin off the peasant's mind.

  "But why would you come all the way from the capital to ask about weasels nesting in roofs?" The mayor's curiosity knew no bounds and was stronger than desire to get rid of his guest. Vannard, on the other hand, wanted the mayor to get rid of him, therefore he decided to use his universal two step-plan for dealing with annoying people. Step one: threaten to kill them. Step two: make good on this threat if needed. It was a bit less harsh version of his one-step plan which contained only the second step from the two-step plan, but he decided he won't kill this peasant unless it turned out to be really necessary. And this peasant was just a few annoying sentences away from 'really necessary'.

  "Matter of Imperial security. If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

  "Oh. That bad?"

  "Yes. That bad," he said gravely. "If you find any, fire is your best bet. Now I must leave. Time is of the essence."

  Not long after leaving Stinkybadger the assassin looked back at the village. There was smoke. A lot of smoke. He smiled. This was an even better distraction than weasel searching. A useful lesson too: sometimes letting people to hurt themselves is even more fun than murdering them. Of course, only sometimes.

  ***

  General Eneumerius Roseduck was in his private quarters at the top floor of the Commander's Tower. He was looking out of the window and admiring the view. From here he could see above the outer walls of the Imperial Castle. Below the Imperial Hill was the capital city of Antherophenimarinusville. Roseduck sighed and once again pondered on human stupidity.

  So, some guy with a silly long name founded the city a long, long time ago. And it wasn't even a city back then, just a village. And 'founded' meant that he had built the first house there. He named the village after himself for some reason. It probably had something to do with a serious overgrowth of ego. Not a problem really. The problem was that nobody was using the full name anymore. Abbreviating it in any way was considered 'unpatriotic' and a sign of laziness. As a result everyone referred to it as 'the capital'. In fact, hardly anyone knew the proper name anymore. So changing it would seem only logical...

  Roseduck shook his head sadly. Once he had suggested that at the Imperial Court. He almost got eaten alive. You can't just throw away history like that, they said. You can't dishonour a great man like that, they said. Not that he had done anything remotely remarkable apart from building a house. You are an evil bastard who should be thrown to the wolves, they said. He wasn't liked at the court much. Needless to say, the motion didn't pass.

  He tried to look on the bright side. Antherophenimarinusville was a very suitable name for the capital city of 'The Glorious Empire of the Falling Star with Questionable Smell'. It was named like that because the very first Emperor had seen a falling star on the very first day of his reign. 'Empire of the Falling Star' would be a decent name. A bit pompous, maybe, but it would do. Too bad that the Emperor, while admiring the star, stepped into something he shouldn't have stepped into. As nobody was willing to tell the newly crowned Emperor that he had just done something rather silly it was decided that the falling star was the source of the unpleasant smell. Thus, the Emperor decided it was some sort of a sign and named his new Empire after it. At least that's what Roseduck suspected. The official version was a bit different. Somehow the eternal struggle of the Lord of Light against the Unholy Demonic Cow got added into the mix, and the falling star became a projectile in that fight. Eneumerius didn't like to think about that. It made the whole Empire look stupid.

  At least the placement of the castle was good. The Imperial Castle stood on the tallest hill around, surrounded by a stout wall, guard towers and all that. The city wasn't that lucky. It was below the hill. Its outer wall was crumbling, and anyway the city had sprawled beyond it a long time ago. New buildings were being erected more or less randomly these days. In case of any sort of invasion, the city would be wiped out immediately. Fortunately, there were no invasions, so everything was fine. For now. Roseduck was often astounded how stupid people could become if there was nothing to punish them for it.

  The faulty city planning, or lack thereof, wasn't what the General was worried about at the moment. It was sort of a pleasant distraction even. Something to think about and maybe get a bit upset about, but not something that would make him lose sleep. Unfortunately, there were much more serious and immediate things for him to worry about.

  The Emperor's untimely death was the big one. He sort of liked the man. After all, the late Emperor had promoted him to the rank of General and appointed him as the High Lord Commander of the Awesome Army of the Empire. Not that he didn't deserve it. He considered himself the finest military mind in the Empire. Not that it was a difficult task, as only nobles could be army commanders, and most nobles did it only for prestige. They didn't care about having the skills and knowledge required. Roseduck on the other hand was very interested in strategy and tactics. He read about these things, he thought about these things, he tried out these things... and was laughed at by other commanders for organising so-called 'manoeuvres'. Yet in the end, it got him to the top.

  Eneumerius remembered the Battle of Some Bunch of Trees very well. It all had started with reports about elves appearing in the forests at the eastern border of the Empire. The Empire wouldn't be very Imperial if it allowed elves to roam around its forests. An army was dispatched to deal with them. It was led by the High Lord Commander himself, General Genodorius Bravewood von Winespear.

  Battles those days were quite rare, so Genodorius was more than happy to lead the expedition. He didn't care much about battles, but he liked triumphant returns. He took about five thousand soldiers with him. It was an overkill, but he liked his triumphant returns big. A few minor mages were present in the army too. After all, fireworks for the victory celebrations wouldn't just conjure themselves up. Also, a lot of lower ranking officers were along for the trip. Their job was to repeat the General's orders a bit louder. And hang around him during the inevitable celebrations, of course. A bunch of officers in pretty formal uniforms sure looks nice on a parade. Also nicely highlights how many more medals the High Commander has in comparison.

  Amongst the junior officers there was a certain Eneumerius Roseduck. He was a young and promising commander, but nobody was paying any attention to him. He was quite highly ranked, but rank didn't matter all that much. The staff was more of an entourage than actual staff, and surnames mattered there. And the Roseducks weren't an important house.

  The army reached its destination. Scouts were dispatched. Elves were located in a small grove. So a plan of action was developed. Developing the plan meant that von Winespear decided to send the infantry into the grove and slaughter the enemy. Cavalry and archers would stand at ready to shoot and ride down any elves attempting to escape. It was a simple idea. Simple ideas had always worked for him before. Perhaps because his forces had always outnumbered the enemy by some ridiculous ratio, like fifty to one. Perhaps because 'the enemy' usually was a starving band of marauding orcs or something similar. Most likely the combination of two. General von Winespear didn't expect this encounter to be any different, therefore he saw no need to change his strategy. Elves, orcs, gnolls, koboldmons, what's the difference?

  The infantry surrounded the grove. It was almost too easy to trap the elves in there. It should have made von Winespear suspicious, but it made him happy instead. The orders were given and the battle commenced. Nearly a thousand footmen armed with swords and spears entered the grove, but encountered no enemies. So the soldiers started shouting insults, taunting the cowardly elves, stabbing bushes just in case... And the rain of arrows came from above.

  Shouts and taunts suddenly changed into screams of pain and terror. The soldiers didn't know how to react,
simply because they were too used to being on the overwhelmingly winning side. The ones who shoot arrows, not the ones arrows are being shot at.

  The arrows were only the half of the problem. The other half consisted of pits. And spikes. And pits with spikes. And pits with scorpions. And pits with spikes and scorpions. And pits with spikes and scorpions and scorpions and scorpions and a jolly farewell note and even more scorpions. And whatever else the elves had managed to come up with. The rabid squirrel pit was a nice touch.

  The footmen who decided to run away fared the best by far. They got out alive. At least those who didn't get shot on the way out and avoided falling into deadly elven surprises. Those who tried to attack failed badly, mainly because there wasn't anyone to attack. The elves were up in the trees. There were two choices: climbing a tree containing an elf, or cutting down a tree containing an elf. With the only cutting implement at hand being a sword. Both approaches were tried. Both failed, mostly because the elf in question had a bow.

  Those who ran in circles screaming fared even worse, because of increased chances of falling into various pits. Some (un)lucky ones scored some uniques, like the paralysing poisonous toad pit or the surprising insta-freezing pit.

  A lot of screaming and panicked warriors running out of the grove distinctly suggested something went wrong. Some screaming and running was expected of course, but not in that amount. And the elves were supposed to be doing it. Therefore there was only one logical course of action...

  "All infantry, into the forest!" von Winespear ordered. "Kill those elves! Archers, fire!"

  ...and trying the same thing once again wasn't it. Archers shooting blindly into the trees didn't improve matters either. Roseduck tried to suggest retreating, regrouping and changing strategy, but was ignored. The order was given and the rest of the infantry entered the grove. Soon there was more running and screaming, and even the meditating mantis pit got its first victim. And things had only started to go wrong.

  The problem with Genodorius was that he wasn't simply a bad commander. He was no commander at all. He had no relevant knowledge. He had never needed any. Winning a battle while having a vast numerical superiority and when the enemy is dumb and unprepared is a simple task. Even a chimpanzee could do that simply by pointing in the right direction and making random noises. As a result, General von Winespear was completely unprepared to face an enemy who was ready for him.

  The approach 'find the elves, kill the elves' proved to be a total failure. The second step failed rather spectacularly, while the first one was executed poorly. It wouldn't have been too much of a problem if there weren't any elves elsewhere, but on this particular occasion there were. Where they had been hiding when the army was approaching, nobody knew. Now they were positioned right behind the main force, having a perfect shot at the forces that weren't currently being slaughtered in the Grove of Fun.

  The elves weren't numerous, but they shot well. They aimed for the cavalry first. The horses didn't appreciate being shot at. They showed it by throwing down the riders and trampling them, as well as everyone else in their way. They weren't picky about who to trample. The soldiers also didn't react too well to being shot at, and even worse to being trampled by horses that were supposed to be on their side. As a result the Awesome Army got awesomely disorganised awesomely fast.

  General von Winespear had no idea what to do. Neither he nor his horse were wounded yet and he intended to keep it this way. He also really didn't want to lose the battle. "Charge!" he screamed. "Attack! Stop dying!" Unfortunately, the horsemen weren't really able to charge at the moment. Some were preoccupied with trying to stay on their horses, some were chasing their horses, and some were chased by their horses. As for the other order, everyone wanted to follow it, but unfortunately it was getting more and more difficult to do that.

  "Archers! Fire at those other archers!" This wasn't a bad idea, but the vicinity of panicking horses somewhat distracted the archers. Genodorius looked around in desperation. One of his mages was nearby, dismounted, but still alive. He rode up to him. The mage was grabbed, lifted by his collar, and shaken quite a bit. "You! Mage person! Do something! Summon... something... wombats! Wait! No! Tigers! Flying tigers! On fire!"

  The poor mage was as confused as anyone else. He was having a bad day. He was shot at, fell from his horse, barely escaped being trodden on by that very horse and also a few others, and now his commander demanded flaming tigers from him. "Uh... no tigers, no lord, can't do!"

  "Tigers! NOW!" Genodorius insisted. "Or lions! Pumas! Thunderstorms! Lava creatures! Manticores! Jelly...aaargh!" His desperate litany of things to summon was suddenly interrupted by an arrow, which narrowly missed the mage and hit him right in the eye. He let go of the mage, clutched his face, and fell down screaming.

  The mage was still in shock when Roseduck dismounted next to him and helped him to get up. "Can you do anything useful?" he asked.

  "Uh?" The mage wasn't too communicative. It was quite understandable. Seeing the High Lord Commander shot right in the face was likely to have that effect on people.

  "We need to kill those elves or distract them somehow," Roseduck explained slowly. "Or we will die."

  "Right. Right. Mist. I can do mist."

  "Great. Do it. Now!" The mage hastily murmured some words, waved his hands, chirped like a little bird, and released some bad smell. That last part might have had less to do with the spell and more to do with his state of mind. Nevertheless, the air in the area started to get foggy.

  "All right. FORM UP! PREPARE TO RETREAT! PREPARE TO RETREAT!" Roseduck shouted as loud as he could. He didn't have a strong voice, but whoever heard him, obeyed. Nobody cared who was formally in command anymore. The order got repeated. Soldiers liked this order very much. "Now, fire. Can you do some fire?" he asked the mage.

  "Yes. A bit."

  "So try to put that grove on fire a bit."

  A small fireball hit the grove. The mage was way too weak to cause serious damage, but the fire served its purpose. The elves got distracted. A few of their beloved trees were burning. It was very painful for them, especially for those sitting right in the burning trees.

  Roseduck got back on his horse. "Get archers and footmen on the horses! We're moving out!" He briefly considered what direction for retreat to give. Given that the wizard's mist was pretty good and visibility was dropping quickly... "That way!" He simply pointed in direction that was away from either group of elves. "Repeat the gesture!" The other horsemen also started pointing in that direction. "Retreat!"

  The retreat was somewhat successful. Roseduck led the decimated army home. Of course, the Emperor wasn't happy. He demanded answers. It was the most crushing defeat his Awesome Army had suffered in years. What was supposed to be a 'group of elves' killed nearly half of the troops and drove away the rest.

  Roseduck, as the most senior officer alive, was the one to answer for that. He eloquently explained how the late High Lord Commander had commanding skills of a distracted prairie dog. Up to that point, Roseduck was neither liked nor disliked by the powerful nobles. Mostly because they didn't notice him. Now they did.

  Winespear's friends and relatives obviously didn't appreciate the report much. Nor did the other lords, even Winespear's enemies. They were uncomfortable with the idea of a minor noble claiming to be a better commander than a descendant of an old and influential noble family. If someone was going to badmouth an important lord, it should be another important lord.

  There were angry whispers about disgrace and execution. The Emperor just asked questions and listened and asked more questions... and a few other survivors were questioned... and in the end Eneumerius Roseduck was promoted to the rank of General and appointed as the new High Lord Commander. That surprised everyone around, including Roseduck himself. Was it because he had convinced the Emperor of his skills and knowledge? Or maybe the Emperor simply wanted to annoy the gathered lords? Or maybe the only reason was that a new High Lord Commander was needed and Roseduck was
conveniently at hand? Perhaps some combination of these. He didn't know and he would never know. In any case, his life in that moment had changed, mostly for the better.

  Amongst the many things that changed for him, one of the important ones was the change in his relationship with the High Lords. Or rather the emergence of such relationship. Now they knew about his existence. And they weren't too happy about it. Furthermore, he was supposed to be one of them, which upset them even more. Especially Duke Thinoak, who was a close relative of the deceased General Winespear.

  As long as the Emperor was alive, nobody dared to challenge his choice of the High Lord Commander. But now the Emperor was dead. Still, Roseduck had some time left. Assassinating the High Lord Commander was a high treason. It was the only crime still treated seriously even by the most powerful nobles. Unfortunately, a new Emperor would surely pick a new High Lord Commander. After that Roseduck would be fair game. Maybe if he was lucky, he would be left alone to enjoy early retirement. If he wasn't that lucky, he would not be left alone and instead he would become an early corpse, which he most certainly wouldn't enjoy. He didn't trust his luck.

  The worst part was that it was common knowledge he was going down. Naturally, nobody wanted to go down with him, therefore he couldn't count on any sort of loyalty from his underlings. They would carry out his orders, of course, but there was absolutely no guarantee they would keep important information to themselves. Only ones he could trust were Vannard and Saalteinamariva, and only because they had no other possible employers. No one else wanted to hire an insolent homicidal maniac, and a female mage who also was an insolent homicidal maniac. The problem with both of them was that they were powerful, insubordinate, and, well, homicidal. Either of them could turn against him at any point and for any reason. Or for absolutely no reason at all. They could also turn against each other, this time for real. And they still were his most trustworthy allies. It really showed how bad his situation was.

  Roseduck's other worry was the Hero. As far as he knew, there had been no Heroes in this part of the world for at least few centuries. He had some knowledge about them, but not as much as he would have liked. Perhaps it was a good time to educate himself more. He really doubted that appearance of a Hero at this time was a coincidence. If he really was a Hero, that is.