Beautiful Bastard

  Twenty minutes, two mimosas, and one emotional breakdown later, I was watching Julia’s shocked expression at a table in our favorite restaurant. I told her everything: the panty ripping, my liking the panty ripping, the various locations, the mid-make-out-session-I-hate-yous, Mina catching us, my guilt over feeling like I was betraying Elliott and Susan, Joel, Mr. Ryan’s caveman declarations, and finally, my fear that I was in the most unhealthy relationship in the history of the world, with no power at all.

  When I looked up to meet her gaze, I winced; she looked like she’d just watched a car wreck.

  “Okay, let me make sure I’ve got this straight.”

  I nodded waiting for her to continue.

  “You’re sleeping with your boss.”

  I cringed slightly. “Well, technically not—”

  She threw her hand up to stop me from finishing. “Yeah, yeah. I got that. And this is the same boss you oh-so-lovingly refer to as ‘Beautiful Bastard’?”

  I sighed heavily and nodded again.

  “But you hate him.”

  “Correct,” I mumbled, my eyes shifting away from her. “Hate. Very big hate.”

  “You don’t want to be with him, but you can’t stay away.”

  “God, it sounds even worse to hear someone else say it,” I groaned as I buried my face in my hands. “I sound ridiculous.”

  “But the sexytimes? Are good,” she said with a touch of humor in her voice.

  “Good doesn’t even come close to describing it, Julia. Phenomenal, intense, mind-blowing, multiple-orgasmingly amazing doesn’t come close to describing it.”

  “Is ‘orgasmingly’ even a word?”

  I rubbed my face with my hands and sighed again. “Shut up.”

  “Well,” she replied thoughtfully, clearing her throat. “I guess a small penis isn’t his problem, after all . . .”

  I let my head fall to my arms on the table. “No. No, it most definitely isn’t.” I looked up slightly at the sound of her muffled laughter. “Julia! This is not funny!”

  “I beg to differ. Even you have to see how insane this is. I mean, of all the people I’ve ever known, you’re the last person I would have ever imagined ending up in this situation. You’ve always been so serious, with each and every step of your life so planned out. Come on, you’ve only had a few real boyfriends, all of whom you’d been with for what everyone considered a really silly amount of time before you slept with them. This man must be something else.”

  “I know there’s nothing wrong with having a purely sexual relationship with someone—I can handle that. And I know that I can at times be overly controlled, but it’s the fact that I feel I have no control over myself when I’m with him. I mean, I don’t even like him, and yet . . . I keep going back.”

  Julia took a sip of her mimosa, and I could practically see the wheels turning as she considered everything I’d told her. “What matters to you?”

  I looked up to her, understanding. “My job. My life after this. My sense of value as an employee. Knowing my contribution matters.”

  “Can you feel good about those things and still fuck him?”

  I shrugged, unable to actually untangle my thoughts on the matter. “I don’t know. If I felt like everything was separate, maybe. But our only interactions are at work. There isn’t any instance where it isn’t about both work and sex.”

  “Then you have to find a way to stop doing this. You need to keep your distance.”

  “It’s not that simple,” I retorted, shaking my head and beginning to ramble. “I work for him. It’s not as if all instances of being alone with him are easily avoidable. The number of times I’ve sworn off sex with him and then had sex with him hours later is ridiculous. And on top of that, we have a conference to attend in two weeks. Same hotel, same general vicinity at all times. Beds!”

  “Chloe, what has gotten into you?” Julia asked in an astonished tone “Do you want this to continue?”

  “No! Of course not!”

  She eyed me skeptically.

  “I mean . . . it’s just that I’m different with him. Like, I want things I’ve never wanted before, and maybe I should let myself want those things. I just wish it was someone else making me want them, someone nice, like Joel for instance. The boss is not very nice.”

  “Boss man makes you want what? Like spankings and stuff?” Julia responded with a chuckle, but when I looked away I heard her gasp. “Oh my God, he’s spanked you?”

  My wide eyes shot back to her. “A little louder, Julia. I don’t think the guy in the back heard you.” As soon as I was sure no one was looking, I smoothed loose tendrils of hair back from my forehead. “Look, I know I need to stop this but I—”

  I paused as I felt goose bumps rise along my skin. My breath caught in my throat and I turned slowly to look at the door. It was him, scruffy and dressed down in a black T-shirt and jeans, sneakers and hair in even sexier disarray than usual. I turned back around to face Julia, feeling all the blood drain from my face.

  “Chloe, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Julia said, reaching across the table to touch my arm.

  I swallowed hard in an attempt to find my voice, then looked at her. “Do you see that man next to the door? The tall, good-looking one?” She raised her head slightly to look and I kicked her under the table. “Don’t make yourself obvious! That is my boss.”

  Julia’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. “Holy shit,” she gasped, and shook her head as she looked him up and down. “You weren’t kidding, Chloe. That is one beautiful bastard. I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed. Or car. Or dressing room. Or elevator, or—”

  “Julia! You’re really not being helpful here!”

  “Who’s the blonde?” she asked, motioning toward them. I turned back to see Mr. Ryan being led to a table with a tall, leggy blonde, his hand on the small of her back. A sharp stab of jealousy pressed into my chest.

  “What a prick,” I hissed. “After his behavior last night? He has got to be kidding me.” Just as she was about to respond, Julia’s phone rang and she reached for it in her purse. The “Hey baby!” greeting told me it was her fiancé, and this would take awhile.

  I glanced again at Mr. Ryan, talking and laughing with the blonde. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. He was even more attractive in a relaxed setting: smiling, eyes dancing when he laughed. Dick! As if he heard my thoughts, he lifted his head and our eyes locked. I clenched my jaw and turned away, tossing my napkin to the table. I had to get out of here. “I’ll be right back, Julia.”

  She nodded and waved absently, never pausing her conversation. Standing up, I quickly made my way past his table making sure to avoid his eyes. I had just turned the corner and spotted the safety of the ladies’ room door when I felt a strong hand on my forearm. “Wait.”

  That voice sent a jolt through me.

  Okay, Chloe, you can do this. Just turn around and look at him and tell him to fuck off. He’s an asshole who called you a mistake last night and shows up with some blond bimbo today.

  Straightening my shoulders, I turned to face him. Shit. He looked even better up close. I’d never seen him looking anything other than perfectly groomed, but he obviously hadn’t shaved this morning and I desperately wanted to feel the scratch of his stubble on my cheeks.

  Or thighs.

  “What the hell do you want?” I spat at him, pulling my arm free from his grasp. Without the benefit of my heels I felt like he towered over me. Looking up at his face, I could see faint circles under his eyes. He looked tired. Well, good. If his nights were half as bad as mine, I was happy.

  Running his hands through his hair, he glanced around uncomfortably. “I wanted to talk to you. To explain about last night.”

  “What’s there to explain?” I asked, nodding my head toward the dining room and the blonde still sitting at his table. My
chest twisted tightly, painfully. “Change of scenery. I get it. I’m actually glad to see you here like this—it helps remind me why this thing between us is a terrible idea. I don’t want to be indirectly fucking all of your other women.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, looking back at me. “Are you talking about Emily?”

  “Is that her name? Well, you and Emily have a lovely meal, Mr. Ryan.” I turned to leave but was once again stopped when he grabbed my arm. “Let. Go.”

  “Why would you even care?”

  Our argument had begun to attract attention from the staff passing through to the kitchen. After a quick glance around, he pulled me into the ladies’ room and locked the door.

  Fantastic, another bathroom.

  I shoved him away when he stepped closer. “What do you think you’re doing? And what do you mean, why would I care? You fucked me last night, told me all about how I couldn’t possibly want to go out with Joel, and now you’re here with someone else! I let myself forget you’re a manwhore. Your behavior is completely expected—I’m pissed at myself.” I was so angry my nails were practically cutting into the palms of my hands.

  “You think I’m here on a date?” He exhaled heavily, shaking his head. “This is fucking unbelievable. Emily is a friend. She runs a charitable organization that Ryan Media supports. That’s all. I was supposed to meet her Monday to sign some papers but she had a last-minute flight change and is leaving the country this afternoon. I haven’t been with anyone else since the wi—” He paused to rethink his words. “Since we first . . . you know . . .” He finished, motioning vaguely between us.

  What?

  We stood there, staring at each other as I tried to let his words seep in. He hadn’t slept with anyone else. Was that even possible? I knew for a fact that he was a womanizer. I’d personally witnessed his ever-expanding collection of arm candy at corporate events, not to mention the stories swimming around the building. And even if what he was saying was true, it didn’t change the fact that he was still my boss, and this whole thing was seriously wrong.

  “All those women throwing themselves at you and you haven’t nailed even one? Aw, I’m touched.” I turned for the door.

  “It’s not that difficult to believe,” he growled, and I could feel his eyes burning into my back.

  “You know what, it doesn’t matter. It was just a mistake, right?”

  “Look, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” He moved closer and his scent—like honey and sage—washed over me. I suddenly felt trapped, like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the tiny room. I needed to get out of here, now. What had Julia said less than five minutes ago? Don’t be alone with him? Good advice. I happened to like this particular pair of panties and didn’t really want to see them in tatters in his pocket.

  Okay, that was a lie.

  “Are you seeing Joel again?” he asked from behind me. My hand was on the knob. All I had to do was turn it and I was safe. But I froze, staring at that damn door for what seemed like minutes.

  “Does it matter?”

  “I thought we covered this last night,” he said, his breath warm against my hair.

  “Yeah, a lot of things were said last night.” His fingertips moved up my arm and slipped the thin strap of my tank top off my shoulder.

  “I didn’t mean to say this was a mistake,” he whispered against my skin. “I just panicked.”

  “That doesn’t mean it’s not true.” My body instinctively leaned into him, my head tilting slightly allowing him easier access. “We both know it.”

  “I still shouldn’t have said it.” He brushed my ponytail over my shoulder and his soft lips moved across my back. “Turn around.”

  Two words. How was it possible that two simple words could make me question everything? It was one thing for him to press me against a wall or forcefully grab me, but now he was putting everything in my court. Biting my lip hard, I tried to bring myself to turn the handle. My hand actually twitched before it fell to my side in defeat.

  I turned and looked up to meet his eyes.

  His hand came to rest on my cheek, his thumb brushing across my bottom lip. Our gazes locked, and just when I thought I couldn’t wait one more second he pulled me to him, pressing his mouth to mine.

  The moment we kissed, my body gave up fighting and I couldn’t get close enough. My purse landed on the tile floor at my feet and my hands dove into his hair, pulling him to me. He backed me into the wall and ran his hands down my body, lifting me slightly. He pushed into my yoga pants and cupped my ass.

  “Fuck. What are you wearing?” He groaned into my neck, his palms sliding back and forth over the pink satin. Lifting me fully, he wrapped my legs around his waist and pressed me further into the wall. He moaned as I took his earlobe between my teeth.

  Pulling one side of my top down, he sucked one of my nipples into his mouth. My head fell back and hit the wall as I felt the scruff of his unshaven face against my breast. A shrill sound broke through my haze and I heard him swear. My phone. Placing me on my feet, he stepped away, his face already back in its usual scowl. I quickly rearranged my clothing and reached for my purse, grimacing when I saw the picture displayed on the screen.

  “Julia,” I answered breathlessly.

  “Chloe, are you in the bathroom fucking that nice slice of man cake?”

  “I’ll be there in a second, okay?” I ended the call and shoved the phone back into my bag. I looked up at him, feeling my rational side return after the small interruption. “I should go.”

  “Look, I—” He was cut off as my phone rang again.

  I answered without bothering to look at the screen. “God, Julia! I’m not in here fucking the piece of man cake!”

  “Chloe?” Joel’s confused voice sounded through the phone.

  “Oh . . . hi.” Shit. This could not be happening to me.

  “I’m glad to hear that you’re not . . . fucking . . . man cake?” Joel said, laughing tightly.

  “Who is it?” Bennett growled.

  I pressed my hand to his lips and gave him the dirtiest look I could manage. “Look, I can’t really talk right now.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you on a Sunday, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I don’t want to get anyone in trouble or anything, but right after you left I checked my e-mail and there was a confirmation for delivery of your flowers.”

  “Really?” I asked, feigning interest. My gaze was locked with Bennett’s.

  “Well, it seems they were signed for by Bennett Ryan.”

  Nine

  I watched as several expressions passed over her face at once: embarrassment, annoyance, and then . . . curiosity? I could vaguely make out a man’s voice on the other end and felt the caveman begin to awaken. Who the hell was calling her?

  Suddenly, her eyes narrowed, and a tiny voice inside told me I should be nervous. “Well, thank you so much for letting me know. Yes. Yes, I will. Okay. Yes, I’ll call you when I decide. Thanks for calling, Joel.”

  Joel? Fucking Cignoli.

  She ended the call and slowly put the phone back into her purse. Looking down, she shook her head, a small laugh escaping before a wicked smile graced her mouth.

  “Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Mr. Ryan?” she asked sweetly, and for some reason it made me even more anxious. I racked my brain but couldn’t think of anything. What was she talking about?

  “That was the strangest conversation. It seems that when Joel checked his e-mail this morning, he had a delivery confirmation for my flowers. You’ll never guess what it said.”

  She moved one step toward me, and instinctively I moved one step back. I didn’t like where this was going. “It turns out that someone signed for them.”

  Oh, shit.

  “The name on the slip said Bennett Ryan.”

 
Fuuuuuck. Why the hell did I sign my own name? I tried to think of a response but my mind was suddenly blank. Obviously, my silence told her everything she needed to know.

  “You son of a bitch! You signed for them and then lied to me?” She landed a hard shove on my chest, and I had a sudden instinct to protect my balls. “Why did you do that?” My back was now against the wall and I was frantically searching for an alternative exit.

  “I . . . what?” I babbled. My heart felt like it was going to claw its way out of my chest.

  “Seriously! What the hell?”

  I needed an answer and I needed it fast. Running my hands through my hair for the hundredth time in the last five minutes, I decided it was probably better to just come clean.

  “I don’t know, okay?” I shouted back. “I just . . . fuck!”

  She took out her phone and appeared to be texting someone.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m telling Julia to just go on without me. I’m not leaving here until you tell me the truth.” She glared at me and I could feel the anger coming off of her in waves. I briefly considered telling Emily what was going on, but she’d seen me follow Chloe; I was pretty sure she’d figured it out by now.

  “Well?”

  I met her eyes and let out a deep sigh. There was absolutely no way I could explain myself and not sound like I’d lost my mind. “Okay, yes, I signed for them.”

  She stared at me, her chest heaving and her fists balled so tightly that her knuckles were white. “And?”

  “And . . . I threw them away.” As I stood facing her, I realized that I deserved every bit of her anger. I was being unfair. I was offering her nothing but still standing in the way of someone who could possibly make her happy.

  “You are fucking unbelievable,” she growled through clenched teeth. I knew she was doing everything she could to keep from lunging across the room and pummeling me. “Explain to me why you would do that.”

  Here was the part I didn’t know how to answer. “Because . . .” I scratched the back of my head. I hated that I’d let myself get into this situation. “Because I don’t want you to go out with Joel.”