Woodchuck Martinis
Chapter 22
Sandbagged by Shallow Lucy
For a couple of weeks now I’ve been chatting by e-mail and on the phone with a genuinely charming man named, of all things, Chumly...yes Chumly.
Chumly and I had set a date to meet at Darb’s for a glass of wine. I was really looking forward to the quiet atmosphere, a nice drink after a long week, and the company of a man whose charm and wit I had truly grown to enjoy during our phone conversations. I was so excited to meet him.
However as fate would have it, the quiet evening we had planned was waylaid by the rising river here in Eaton Rapids and the need to join my Certified Emergency Response Team (CERT) group in filling up sandbags to keep the town from flooding.
I was quite disappointed that I would have to call Chumly to cancel our first date...and just two hours before we were to meet.
“Hi, Chumly,” I said on the phone. “I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to reschedule our date tonight.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Chumly said. “What’s up?”
“The river,” I said, “quite literally, and it’s about to flood. I’m a member of the CERT group and we help out the police and fire departments. We’re not called out very often, but when we are I really like to participate. We’ve been asked to help fill sandbags. It’s really important to me.”
“So you’re not just ditching me with a flooding river as an excuse?” he said. I could tell he was smiling when he said it. “Because you know I can take the truth.”
“I’m definitely not ditching you. I was really looking forward to meeting,” I said. “I guess the river has other plans for us.”
“Could you use an extra hand at the river?” Chumly said.
“Actually we can use all the hands we can get our hands on,” I said. “But I have to tell you that it’s really dirty, heavy work. It’s not going to be a lot of fun.”
“I was in the military,” Chumly said. “I’ve done my share of bagging sand. I know what I’m getting myself into.”
“Well, then, by all means, we’d love to have you help out.”
What a lovely surprise; a man willing to give up his quiet evening and stand in the rain and fill bags with heavy, wet sand. I have to say that my opinion of the man had grown to the size of the mountains of sand we’d soon be bagging up. And he had volunteered; no coercion had been necessary. He just stepped up to the plate and had done the right thing.
Was I dreaming? I put such a high value on volunteering for community service and this man had not even been asked to help. However he explained that he wouldn’t be able to meet right away as the drive to Eaton Rapids would take about an hour. Again, this man was willing to drive a full hour to stand knee deep in mud. Who knew there were even men like this in the world!
I got off the phone and immediately started putting away the half dozen super cute outfits I had tried on and rejected while deciding what to wear to meet Mr. Wonderful for a drink. I then donned my long underwear, oldest jeans, and gray CERT sweatshirt and headed out the door.
Upon meeting at the police/fire station each volunteer was given a rain coat, heavy-duty rain boots, and a shovel. I must say I looked less than sexy for the anticipated meeting of my Prince Charming as the raincoats and boots had been provided by the fire department and the smallest size they had was a men’s small. The boots must have weighed 20 pounds and I could have easily pitched the raincoat and called it a tent.
We were transported to the river where there were mountains of sand, currently being soaked by the torrential rain to add a bit of weight to the voluminous overload.
At the river I explained the situation to two of the other women in our group, Janice and Judy.
“This is a first date?” Janice said, clearly dumbfounded by the prospect of meeting a man for the first time looking like a drowned rat in an over-sized rain suit and boots.
“You’ve really never met him?” asked her sister, Judy.
“Never,” I said. “This was his idea. I offered to meet him later in the week. He’s such a gentleman and I figured we could use all the help we could get.”
After we had filled a few bags a stranger approached the group. He, too, had a poncho on with the hood up. He immediately set to work filling bags. I assumed he was waiting for me to approach him as we were all unrecognizable with our hoods up.
“Chumly?” I said to the man several yards away through the pouring rain.
Janice and Judy watched with interest.
There was no response from Prince Charming.
“Chumly!” I repeated, considerably louder this time.
He didn’t even turn his head.
“Does it look like him?” Janice asked.
“I can’t tell,” I said.
“How tall is he supposed to be?” asked Judy.
“About as tall as he is,” I said, nodding in the stranger’s direction.
We watched him fill a couple of bags of sand and I wondered if he realized he was of such great interest to this small gaggle of women.
“Go and introduce yourself,” suggested Judy.
I slicked back my soaked hair, hitched up my fireman’s boots to several inches above my knees, and wiped away the mascara running down my cheeks. I approached the man and when he noticed me he removed his hood so he could hear me clearly.
“Oh, my God,” I thought. He turned toward me and his face was lighted by the spotlights the fire department had brought in. “He truly is the man of my dreams.”
This man was drop dead gorgeous. He had eyes the shade of an emerald, a bit of stubble, and the face of Zeus himself.
“Excuse me,” I said. “Are you Chumly?”
“No, ma’am,” he said, “I’m Lucas.”
Upon closer inspection I realized he was in his late 20s or early 30s. And he had just called me ma’am like I was an elder. Oh, I guess I was.
“Thanks for your help,” I said.
“Any time.”
I sulked back to Janice and Judy and we filled more bags with sand.
“Hey, Lucy,” Janice said. “A truck just pulled up. Maybe it’s him.”
We all three gawked at the newest unknown volunteer. He stepped out of his truck and into the work lights.
“Is it him?” Janice asked.
“No, it’s not him,” I answered. “I think it’s Walter, my ex-husband, although I don’t know why he’s driving a truck. The last I knew he had a van.”
“Is Walter coming to help with the sand bagging?” asked Judy.
“Not that I know of,” I said. “I’ll go ask why he’s here.”
I covered the short distance between us and was just about to ask Walter what brought him out on a night like this when the owner of the truck spoke and I realized it was, indeed, not my ex-husband at all; this Walter-look alike was Chumly. The resemblance, though, was phenomenal.
“Hi,” he said with the most charming smile imaginable.
“Hang on!” shouted Shallow Lucy over the pouring rain. “This is gonna be a really interesting night!”
“Are you Lucy?”
When he extended his hand to shake mine, I realized that his hand looked exactly like Walter’s. It sported the same rounded fingers and I would have bet my life it was exactly the same size as Walter’s hand.
“Well, this is a little weird,” Shallow Lucy said. “How could you miss this?”
“Chumly didn’t have a picture with his profile,” I said.
“How many times have I told you to NEVER meet a guy who won’t post a picture on his profile? If there’s no picture, then a guy has something to hide. Did you learn nothing from Toothless Stanley?” Shallow Lucy asked.
“Toothless Stanly had a picture on his profile,” I argued.
“Yes, one that didn’t show his gleaming gums,” Shallow Lucy pointed out.
“You’re so shallow,” I said. “Looks are not everything; it’s what’s insi
de that matters the most.”
“We’ll see,” Shallow Lucy said.
I had quite literally been left speechless for a moment.
“Chumly?” I asked, still not believing this was not my ex-husband.
“I’m so glad to finally meet you,” he said. “Where do we start?”
“Wwww, we, ththth there.” I managed to spit out as I pointed to the check-in point.
“His eyes are the same, exact color as Walter’s eyes,” said Shallow Lucy, the complete awe obvious in her voice. “His eyebrows are the identical shape and color. The slight bend in the bridge of his nose to the left is exactly like Walter’s nose. Don’t even pretend you could have another date with this man. This is just creepy.”
“I can overlook a few similarities,” I said.
“No, you can’t.”
“Yes, I can. Now go away.”
I wondered if Walter could be playing an elaborate joke on me. Did he change his voice? This man’s gestures and body language were certainly those of my ex-husband. His beard, his mustache. His skin tone. His build, his height. I realized my mouth was hanging open.
“Close your mouth,” Shallow Lucy said. “It’s filling up with water.”
“Are you OK?” he asked. “You look a little shaken up.”
“Shsh shaken up?” I said. “No, I’m fine. Thanks for coming.” I realized I was shaking my head and staring at this man so intently if my eyes had been a drill they’d have poked a hole right through his face.
Just then Janice and Judy approached us.
“Hi,” said Judy, extending her hand to Chumly.
“Janice, Judy,” I said, “this is Chumly.”
“Hello, Chumly,” said Janice. “You know, you look really familiar.”
“I don’t think we’ve met,” said Chumly, “but it’s nice to meet you.”
I directed Chumly to the check-in point and waited while he signed in.
“Why do you suppose he looks so familiar?” Janice asked.
“Because he looks exactly like Walter,” I said. “This is really, really bad.”
“Who cares if he looks like your ex?” said Janice. “He seems like a great guy. He’s obviously gone incredibly far out of his way to help us out. How many men do you know that would opt in for this kind of a first date and spend the entire evening up to their necks in mud?”
“I know,” I said, shaking my head. “I couldn’t agree more. He seems amazing. I just can’t get over the resemblance. Like maybe he’s Walter’s nicer twin. Or someone cloned Walter just to taunt me. Or I’m hallucinating. Or he’s an elaborate hologram. Or it’s a bad dream where Prince Charming rides in on his white horse, takes off his helmet, and it’s really Walter! And then I spend the rest of the dream screaming until I wake myself up.”
“Do you want to know what I think?” asked Judy.
“Probably not,” I answered.
“I think you should just get over yourself and appreciate the man for who and what he is.”
“She’s right,” said Janice. “This could be your Mr. Right even though he looks all wrong. Give him a chance.”
“You are absolutely right,” I agreed.
“Did you hear that, Shallow Lucy? From here on out, keep your opinions to yourself about Chumly.”
“Whatever you say, dear.” Shallow Lucy answered.
Chumly joined us then and we headed back to the sand mountains. For the next four hours we filled dozens of bags of sand while the rain poured down on us relentlessly. Chumly and I chatted over the din of the storm and I have to say that conversation was not at all awkward the way it can be on a first date. It was as if I had known him all my life.
He mentioned that he volunteered at his son’s school every week. He worked with the volunteer fire department in his community. He had a strong commitment to family, church, and friends. These are all traits I have been looking for in a man…and yet.
“And yet what?” Shallow Lucy piped in, a bit too smugly.
“All of these wonderful traits…BADLY DRESSED IN A WALTER SUIT!” I shouted. “Are you happy now?”
“Not really,” she said. “You sound a bit like me.”
When we finished bagging sand we headed over to Darb’s for a glass of wine and to split a pizza. Our pleasant conversation continued there and my admiration for him grew even more.
Unfortunately so did my resolve not to see him again because I just could not separate his face from that of my ex-husband. And ultimately Shallow Lucy scored another victory.
After a cold, rainy night I find a warm bowl of spicy taco soup will ease the pain of shallow self realization.
Lucy’s Spicy Taco Soup
1-1/2 pounds hamburger
1 large onion
2 tablespoons minced garlic
1 package taco seasoning
1 12-ounce bag of frozen corn
1 16-ounce can kidney beans
1 14-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 14-ounce can tomato sauce
1/3 cup chopped canned jalapeno peppers
Water to cover the above ingredients
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese
In a soup pot, brown hamburger, onion, and garlic. Drain. Add taco seasoning, corn, kidney beans, diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, and Jalapeno peppers. Cover and simmer on low for 30 minutes. Serve warm topped with shredded sharp cheddar cheese.
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