Woodchuck Martinis

  Chapter 4

  Full Moon Interview

  My medical transcription business had allowed me to work from my home since my kids, Josh and Jessie, were toddlers. I loved this field of work partially because of the humorous situations I typed about often enough to keep my interest. For instance one patient souped up his lawn tractor, got all liquored up, and mowed his lawn. He went fishing later that day, sobered up, and found a human toe in his shirt pocket. Upon closer inspection he realized it was his own big toe.

  However the field of transcription was rapidly changing, with electronic medical record systems rapidly replacing transcriptionists. I, personally, had lost most of my transcription work to these new systems. Doctors could now dictate into voice recognition software and the dictated notes would be filed electronically into a patient’s medical record before the patient left the office. That sure beat the 24-hour turnaround I could provide. However the voice recognition software would quite often misinterpret what a doctor dictated. Some of my favorites include the following:

  Doctor Dictated: The patient had a fever and was coughing up phlegm.

  Voice Recognition Software Interpretation: The patient had a clever and was coughing up flames.

  Doctor Dictated: The baby had experienced uncontrollable crying for quite some time.

  Voice Recognition Software Interpretation: The baby had experienced uncontrollable crimes for quite some time.

  Doctor Dictated: The patient was sitting up in bed eating his food.

  Voice Recognition Software Interpretation: The patient was sitting up in bed eating his foot.

  I had taken some classes and learned to edit the dictation coming out of the electronic medical record systems. I was determined to build my business back up by adding the editing aspect, and sent out 500 brochures touting my expertise.

  Just a couple of days after the brochures went out, I got a direct hit. Dr. Applebaum called and said that he’d like to interview me. He said that it would be easier for him if we could conduct the interview via Web cam. The Web cam would allow him to see me but he would not have to rush back to his office for the interview. He also mentioned that he likes to see the home offices from which his editors work. We set the interview for that Friday at 10:00 in the morning.

  I was curious about Dr. Applebaum and so I called my friend Susan who had worked for him many years ago. She said he was incredibly strict when it came to being on time. She also said he nearly fired a nurse one time when she showed up for surgery late, even though she had been involved in a car accident on her way to work. He also required everything on his employees’ desks to be in perfect order at all times. He found it entirely unacceptable to have anything out of place.

  “Whatever you do,” she warned, “do not be late for that interview or you won’t get the job. Be sure to clean your office perfectly as he’ll be evaluating that as well, although he won’t tell you he’s doing that.”

  I really needed that job, and I had no doubt in my mind that it would go smoothly. I vowed to allow plenty of time and would make sure to have the Web cam powered up at least an hour before the agreed upon time.

  Friday rolled around. I got up at 5:30 in the morning to clean my office. Nothing would be out of place as the office could be seen quite clearly on the Web cam. I cleaned the carpets, the windows, and even the walls. Before I headed upstairs to shower I built a fire in my fireplace which could also be seen on the Web cam. I figured it would make my home look cozy and inviting; a place he would love to send his work.

  As fate would have it, however, before I could get into the shower to get ready for the interview, I got a call from another office that was looking for an editor and transcriptionist. The call came in an hour and five minutes before the interview with Dr. Applebaum would start. Unfortunately at the end of the call we mutually agreed that I was not a good candidate for the job as they currently had four full-time editors, and they were looking for an office that could handle the entire workload. That interview lasted exactly one hour which left me five minutes to dress before Dr. Applebaum’s interview. Thank Heaven I had been up so early to clean my office as it did look perfect; cozy fire and all.

  I dashed upstairs to change into my best interview suit and jacket. I took my pants off as soon as I reached the top of the stairs and grabbed my shirt and suit jacket and threw them on...and then I heard the call coming in on Web cam. That tricky doctor was calling four minutes early. If I did not answer the phone immediately he would think I was late for the call, and I simply could not have that. I had already missed out on one new job and was determined to have this interview turn out better.

  And so I headed down the stairs frantically, looking every bit the professional from the waist up and sporting nothing but my favorite Spider Man underwear from the waist down, determined to prove that I could be on time and every bit the professional. Besides, I reasoned, when I sit at my desk with my legs tucked underneath the keyboard, no one would ever know my little secret.

  I picked up the Web cam call on the third ring and Dr. Applebaum looked quite pleased.

  “I’m sorry I’m calling a bit early,” he said, “but I have surgery scheduled earlier than usual this morning.” He looked to me very much like Colonel Sanders with a cheery smile and friendly features.

  “It’s not a problem,” I lied like a trooper. “I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.”

  “Your office is quite nice, and how cozy it looks with the fireplace going,” Dr. Applebaum commented. “You’re obviously quite fastidious in keeping your work place up. Do you run your business in the same fashion?”

  “Absolutely, Dr. Applebaum,” I said. “I have run this business from my home for over 20 years and know exactly what it takes to maintain impeccable records and complete patient confidentiality. I am proud to say that no confidential document has ever been improperly exposed in my entire career.”

  I was quite confident that I would get this new account as the interview went incredibly well for a bit more than an hour. However at that point I saw a look of concern on Dr. Applebaum’s face.

  “Lucy!” Dr. Applebaum shouted. “Do I see smoke behind you?”

  “I’m burning a new batch of wood,” I said. “It may be a bit green.”

  “Lucy!” Dr. Applebaum blurted out then. “Your office is on fire!”

  As I turned to see what he was talking about I realized that a cinder had popped out of the fireplace directly behind me and had, indeed, started the carpet on fire.

  I jumped up as quickly as I could, bent down, picked up the fire extinguisher, and sprayed the base of the small but growing flames before I realized just what kind of view I was giving Dr. Applebaum on the Web cam screen. Just me and my Spider Man undies, turtle neck sweater, and black and white pinstriped blazer.

  “Do you want me to call the fire department?” Dr. Applebaum was shouting at Spider Man.

  “No, no,” I assured him, “I have everything under control. I’ve been professionally trained to handle the fire extinguisher. I know just what I’m doing!”

  After a very, very long couple of minutes of flashing Spider Man on the web cam screen, the flames had been doused and I turned back to my computer monitor. I was quite sure that my face was every bit as red as the cinder that had started this whole fiasco. What a mess. All I could do was hang my head and pray for this call to be done so that my misery would end. I desperately needed this work, and the loss of two potential new accounts in the same day was more than I could bear. Not to mention the cost of replacing the carpet that had been burned.

  “Are you all right, Lucy?” asked Dr. Applebaum.

  “I’m fine,” I answered slowly. “The only damage sustained was to my ego.”

  And then Dr. Applebaum started to laugh. He tried to stifle it at first but it didn’t take long for a full, hearty belly laugh to emerge and take on a life of its own. It was completely conta
gious as I started laughing too at the mental picture of what Dr. Applebaum must have witnessed during this most unusual interview.

  “I’m glad to hear that you take more care not to expose patient documents than your Spider Man undergarments, Lucy.” Of course this sent him into a new fit of laughter. “Who would have guessed that Spider Man had his own line of women’s lingerie?”

  “Dr. Applebaum,” I said as sincerely as I could when his laughter finally died down. “I cannot apologize enough. I hope you will not hold this ‘incident’ against me when you make your decision regarding whether or not to hire me.”

  “Lucy,” he answered. “I had decided within the first 15 minutes of our conversation that I would hire you. You are professional and courteous. Your recommendations from other doctors for whom you have worked are flawless. How soon can you start?”

  “I can start this very minute, Dr. Applebaum,” I said, the relief obvious in my voice I’m sure.

  “Perhaps you could start next Monday,” he suggested. “Maybe that will give you enough time to find your pants.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Applebaum. I’ll get right on that.”

  “I’m looking forward to seeing more of you in the future,” he said. “Although perhaps not quite as much as I saw of you today,” he added with a chuckle.

  Sometimes life takes you right where you want to go, but in a roundabout way. I think I’ll celebrate my new job by making a run to buy some new underwear.

  ****