Chance of a Lifetime (Chances Are #1)

  "Me either."

  "Then why are you trying to keep us apart?"

  "Because I love Madison-as a friend," I say. I tack on the last part before I can slip up and admit she's my daughter.

  "We can figure out a way to break it to Maddy. Please, Stace, I love you. I want to be with you."

  "I'm sorry," I say and heave a sigh into the receiver. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Grace. I'm not who you think I am. I'm not sweet or smart or any of that. I'm a monster."

  "I know you feel guilty Stace, so do I-"

  "It's not that. I've done some bad things." I stop, thinking of what I did to Blades, how I butchered him like a pig. Then I remember what I did so I could get to him. "I've done terrible things. If you knew, you'd never want to see me again."

  "That's not true. Whatever it is, no matter how bad it is, I'll still love you."

  "I killed a man. Three men, really."

  "I'm sure you had a good reason-"

  "I had reasons. Maybe they weren't so good. I've whored myself out. I've lied, I've stole, I've hurt everyone I care about."

  "It doesn't matter. We can work through it. I'll help you."

  From Grace's voice I'm sure she does want to help me through the pain. I'm tempted to let her try. I think of the night we spent together, how perfect it was until I had to go. I can see her as she welcomes me back; I fall into her arms-

  It's no good. I've hurt Madison so much already. I was a lousy father to her. I won't hurt her anymore. "I'm sorry, Grace. I can't see you anymore."

  "Stacey-"

  "My name isn't Stacey," I say.

  "What?"

  "My birth name was Steven."

  "Stace, please, don't joke."

  "I'm not joking. I was born a man."

  "But you don't look-"

  "I had a really good surgeon.? That's why I ran away from home.? My parents didn't want to have a daughter."? I hate to lie to Grace like this, but it has to be this way.? I can't come between her and Maddy.? The only way to make sure is to push Grace away, to horrify her so much she'll never want to see me again.

  Grace whispers, "But I've been inside you.? I didn't feel anything different."

  "I told you I had a good surgeon.? It's an experimental procedure.? They use this stuff called FY-1978 to alter my DNA.? I agreed to be a guinea pig and they did the operation for free."

  "No way," Grace says.? "That's not possible."

  "It is possible.? It's from Lennox Pharmaceuticals.? There was a Dr. Nath there who came up with it."

  "Why are you saying this? I thought you loved me!"

  "That's why I have to tell you.? You shouldn't be with me.? Go back to Maddy.? She's the one you deserve. She's everything you said about me, only for real."

  Grace doesn't say anything. From the sound of her sobs, I don't think she can muster any words at the moment. The phone disconnects. I put it down. Then I hear footsteps pound upstairs, two sets of them. Al with Jake, to take me home.

  Chapter 42

  Jake carries me downstairs and sets me on the backseat. In the glow of a streetlamp he studies my wound. "We should have a real doctor take care of it."

  "It'll be fine," I say. "He got the bullet out. The drug will take care of the rest."

  Jake grunts and then closes the door on me. I manage to ignore the pain as I prop myself up to see Jake and Al talking. I wonder how much Al heard of my conversation with Grace? Not too much, I hope. When I think of Grace, I collapse onto the backseat with a sigh.

  Jake doesn't say anything when he gets into the car. Not for a couple of blocks. Then he says, "There was a call on the radio. Fire at a warehouse. You'll never guess who they pulled out of there."

  "The Tall Man and Bruiser Malloy."

  "Bingo. Some Chinese guys too. I suppose that's your handiwork?"

  "I didn't kill the Chinese guys. Lex did."

  "What'd he want with them?"

  "He was going to sell the formula for FY-1978 to them. I planted a seed of doubt in their heads. Lex decided to pull the plug on the deal-and them."

  "Great. So now what?"

  "He's going to sell it back to Lennox. It's his only move."

  "Wonderful. So what's our move?"

  "Talk to Palmer. The higher-ups are going to want someone to verify what they're getting. Palmer is the best choice. They'll want her at the meet. As soon as she knows, she can tell us. We swoop in and finish Lex off."

  "I swoop in and arrest Lex, you mean," Jake says.

  "Jake-"

  "No. No more fucking games. You got to stop this Rambo shit. Next time it's not going to be your leg that gets shot."

  "So what? I'm already dead. You delivered my eulogy, remember?"

  "Shit. I thought that was you in the back row." Jake shakes his head and then lights a cigarette. "I like the hair."

  "Thanks."

  "I bet you got it done at that department store upstate, didn't you?"

  "Yeah. You guys trace the card?"

  "Of course. But you already knew that. That's why you doubled back here. Where've you been staying?"

  "The Snowden. I've still got some clothes there. Really nice ones."

  "Bought with blood money."

  "Blades had it coming."

  "You realize I could arrest you? It might do you good to sit in the cooler for a few days."

  "I didn't want to kill him," I whine. "He would've talked."

  "You sound like one of them."

  "Well I'm not a cop anymore in case you haven't noticed."

  "You're not a thug either."

  "What was I supposed to do? Sit around playing house with you and Tess?"

  "You should have let us handle it."

  "You guys have done such a bang-up job. I did more in a week than the whole department has done in twenty years."

  "You really aren't Steve anymore. He would never talk like that."

  I cup my breasts and give them a jiggle. "Look what he did to me! He ruined my life. And you want me to go by the book?"

  "I know what he did was terrible, but you can't let it change you inside. You can't let it make you a monster."

  I think of what I told Grace. "It's too late for that."

  ***

  Jake carries me into the house, which I'm grateful for. Tess just about knocks both of us down. "Oh my goodness! What happened to you?"

  "I got shot," I say.

  "Shot? By whom?"

  "A mugger."

  "What were you doing out by yourself at night?"

  "I-"

  Jake intervenes to save me. "We can interrogate her later. Right now she needs to get some rest."

  "Yes, of course," Tess says. She brushes hair away from my face. "Everything will be all right, dear. We'll take good care of you."

  "All right. Here we go, kid," Jake says. He groans theatrically as he starts up the stairs. "You're lucky I don't drop you on your head. Not that it'd do any good."

  "I'm sorry about what I said earlier," I say. "I shouldn't have tried to go this alone."

  "Well you don't have to worry about that anymore."

  He's careful when he sets me down on the bed. He pulls the blankets up over me, just as gentle as Tess. The way he looks at me, I'm sure he'd like to give me a kiss on the forehead like he used to do with Jenny. Instead, he musses my hair. "Try to get some rest. I'll call Palmer and let her know."

  "Thanks." Before Jake can go, I call for him to stop. "If Maddy calls, tell her I'm not here."

  "Steve-"

  "I don't want to see her right now," I say. I know I wouldn't be able to hide the truth about Grace and I from her.

  He mulls this for a few moments. Then he musses my hair again. "All right, kid. I'll tell Tess to hold all calls."

  "Thanks." By the time Jake reaches the door, I'm asleep.

  ***

  I'm asleep for twelve hours. When I wake, my stomac
h rumbles to remind me I've missed breakfast and lunch. When I sit up, pain courses through my leg. I guess the FY-1978 hasn't worked its magic yet. Of course it might take a little while on something this serious. My leg could hurt for days.

  I don't want to get out of bed just yet. Tess's motherly instincts are still well-honed, though. She turns on the light a couple minutes later. When she does, I notice something I didn't before I went to sleep: Tess has redecorated the room. Or rather she's undecorated it. All of Jenny's posters are gone from the walls. Her school ribbons and athletic trophies have disappeared. Even her clothes have vanished from the closet.

  "You're looking better," Tess says. She puts a hand on my forehead. "Got some color in your cheeks."

  "Oh, that's good." I motion to the walls. "What happened?"

  "That day you disappeared, I thought I would surprise you by putting Jennifer's things away. I was hoping to take you shopping for some new decorations."

  More color returns to my cheeks as I blush. "I messed that up, didn't I?"

  "Don't worry about it."

  "No, I should worry about it. You've been so nice to me and I've been such a shit." Tess clucks her tongue and I apologize. "When I came here I didn't have anything but the clothes on my back. You and Jake took me in, cleaned me up. You helped me through?you know, my time of the month."

  "I know, dear. I was happy to do it."

  "And then I took off without even saying thank you."

  "It doesn't matter. You're here now, that's the important thing." Tess gives me a hug that only makes me feel worse. It seems all I've done in the last twenty-four hours is make people's lives miserable, especially my own. "I bet you're hungry. I've got some lasagna in the fridge. I can heat it up in a jiff."

  "That sounds good." Before Tess can leave, I give her a hug. "Thanks."

  I lean back in bed after she's gone. Maybe this is where I belong, with Jake and Tess as my surrogate parents. I could do as Dr. Palmer suggested and go back to school. Get a college degree, maybe a nice job. Then my own place, until I can find someone else, someone who isn't involved with my daughter.

  With a sigh I shake my head. Maybe later. For now I need to rest and then figure out how to finish my business with Artie Luther.

  ***

  Jake brings in the TV from his bedroom for me to watch while I recuperate. As I watch a rerun of Friends that's new to me and eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream, Jake shows up with my luggage. "Hey, kid," he says. "How you feeling?"

  "Better." I heft the ice cream spoon. "Tess is fattening me up."

  "You could use it." He drops the bags over by the closet. "I got everything from the Snowden. Paid the bill too."

  "I'll pay you back-"

  "Don't worry about it." He sits down at the end of the bed. He pats the blankets where my left foot sticks out. "I talked to Dr. Palmer."

  "She in?"

  "Yeah, she's in. She'll give us a call as soon as she hears something."

  "Then we just have to hope Lex doesn't find another buyer."

  "I doubt he will. Not on short notice. And he's going to have to do it quick. He knows you got away. Does he know who you are?"

  "No. I just gave him my first name."

  "Then he probably won't be able to find you. Might want to dye your hair again, just in case. Maybe let Tess cut it even shorter."

  "It'll be fine. He won't find me out here."

  "Let's hope not. Anyway, he has to figure you'll come to us about it. Or you'll try tracking him down on your own again. Either way, with Blades, Tall Man, and Bruiser gone, he's got to be running scared. He'll try to dump the goods first chance he gets."

  "That sounds right. Then we move in."

  "We being the police. No more Charles Bronson shit."

  "I thought it was Rambo shit."

  "Both."

  "Fine. I'll sit this one out. Just be sure to get the formula back. Dr. Palmer needs it if I'm ever going to be me again."

  "She'll get it," he says. He pats my foot again and then gets up. He unzips my bags and takes out my expensive clothes. "You have good taste. I have to give you that."

  "Thanks. Maybe you should see if any of that would fit Tess."

  "I don't think this is her speed," he says. He holds up a silk teddy. "Why the hell did you buy this?"

  "I got a little nuts. Girl with a credit card, you know."

  "Yeah, that's why I'm glad Jenny never got one." He grimaces and then tosses the teddy away. "I should let Tess put these away. She knows how to take care of stuff like this."

  "I can do it later."

  "You just lie there and rest. A bullet wound is nothing to sneeze at."

  "Yeah, I guess you're right." Jake leaves me to the TV again. I can't imagine all of these people being friends, not even in New York. But it does make me think of my friends Maddy and Grace. I wish I could call them, but I can't. Our series has been canceled.

  Chapter 43

  Two days later, the bullet wound is gone, only a pink spot left behind. Tess looks beneath the bandage and frowns. "That's very strange," she says. "It shouldn't be healed for weeks."

  "I told you I'm a quick healer," I say, though I know it's the FY-1978 at work again.

  That morning I'm able to get out of bed and use the bathroom for the first time in three days without crutches. I can't watch TV and stuff myself with ice cream all day. Now I have to get back to work.

  That's what I think until I hear Tess call from downstairs, "Stacey, breakfast is ready!"

  As usual it's a balanced breakfast with eggs, toast, and oatmeal. Tess has even cut pieces of bananas to form a smiley face in the oatmeal. She pats me on the back. "Dig in, sweetheart."

  I take a cautious bite of the oatmeal. I've never really liked the stuff. I always thought it looks like someone ate a bowl of cereal and then spewed it back up. Still, I know Tess's feelings will be hurt if I don't eat everything. I've hurt her enough in the last week.

  I've eaten the eggs and toast and am halfway through the oatmeal when I hear someone tap on the patio door. Through the glass, I hear Maddy's voice call my name. My first instinct is to dive beneath the table and hope she goes away. Except then I'd have to explain to her and Tess why I'm so jittery. So I smile and wave as Tess opens the door to let her in.

  Maddy doesn't waste any time to give me a hug, which just about causes me to choke on my oatmeal. "Mr. Madigan said you were here," she says. "He said a mugger shot you?"

  "Oh, yeah. It was just a flesh wound." I wiggle my leg for her. "See, no problem."

  "That's a relief." Maddy opens her purse. She rummages around for a minute before she takes out an envelope. "I got you a card."

  "Do they make 'Sorry You Got Shot' cards?" I ask.

  Maddy stares a moment, still not used to my sense of humor. Then she laughs uproariously. "No, silly. It's just a 'Get Well' card."

  I open it and see Snoopy with an ice pack on his head and a thermometer in his mouth. Does Maddy think I'm seven years old? I look inside and chuckle anyway. "Thanks," I say. "This is really sweet."

  There's an awkward pause and then Maddy touches my hair. "This looks really cute. Maybe I'll let mine grow out like that. Then people will think we're twins."

  I force myself to laugh, but she's right. Now that our hair is the same color, there is a much stronger resemblance between us. Too bad I can't tell her the reason for that.

  Tess pats Maddy on the shoulder. "I still have some oatmeal left if you'd like some."

  "Oh, no, that's fine," Maddy says. She was never a big oatmeal fan either. "I already ate."

  "Well at least let me get you a cup of coffee. You look bushed." Tess is right; there are dark circles around Maddy's eyes. I thought it was makeup, but her eyes are puffy too. Maybe she had grieved for her father all night.

  "That would be nice," Maddy says. While Tess goes into the kitchen for that, M
addy explains why she looks so tired. "Grace kicked me out."

  "What?"

  "Well, she actually said she thought it'd be best if I stayed with Mom a little longer. She's almost done with her dissertation and she doesn't need me distracting her."

  "She said that?"

  "Yeah." Maddy's eyes start to water. "I mean, she actually went on with all this psychological mumbo jumbo. Something about staying with Mom will help me focus on my grief and get closure or whatever. It's just her way of saying she doesn't want me around crying on her shoulder while she's working."

  I take Maddy's hand and give it a squeeze. At the same time I feel a cold lump in my stomach that isn't Tess's balanced breakfast. This is my fault. Grace broke up with Maddy because of me. I've come between them. "I'm so sorry," I say.

  "It's not your fault."

  I want to tell her it is my fault. I betrayed her when I fucked Grace. I don't say that. If I do, Maddy will hate me-again. I lost her once already; I don't want to lose her again. There has to be something I can do to make things right. "Hey, I have an idea. How about I go talk to her?"

  "You don't have to do that. I mean, you got shot-"

  "I'm fine now. Like I said, it was just a flesh wound. No big deal."

  Maddy smiles. "You sound like my dad."

  "I do?"

  "Yeah. When I fell off my bike and scraped my knee, he looked at it and said, 'Stop crying. It's just a flesh wound.'"

  I remember that now. Maddy was six years old. It was her first time without the training wheels. We were on the street in front of our house. I gave her a push to get her started. Then I let go so she could pedal on her own. She made it about twenty feet before the bike toppled over. She had on a helmet, but not any knee pads-something Debbie would complain about later-so the leg of her overalls tore open and blood oozed out.

  The second Maddy saw the blood she began to wail. I scooped her up in my arms. I ran her inside the house as fast as I could. In the bathroom, I moistened a washcloth and used it to wipe at the wound. It wasn't too deep, but that doesn't matter when you're six years old. "Don't cry, sweetheart," I said. "It's just a flesh wound."

  "But it hurts!" she wailed.

  I kissed the scrape and tasted blood. "How's that?"

  Maddy sniffled. Then she shouted, "I want Mommy!" That pretty much sums up Maddy and I in a nutshell.

  "I'm guessing he wasn't Father of the Year," I say.

  Maddy smiles and then shrugs. "I guess not. But when I think about it now, he wasn't so bad. He was trying to make me feel better in his way. Dad was from that old school, like John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart and all that. He wasn't real good at talking about feelings."