6cndluo (and Other Flash Fiction) Anthology

  "Yes thanks." With turned and walked back down the passage to the Great Hall, he started to go right but saw Ugbash standing near the door leading to the entrance hall so he went left. When he got to the bottom he saw a guard standing at the door on the right so he turned left down another passageway, there was nowhere else to go but right so he went right and collided with a human coming through the door on the right.

  "Ooh sorry, I was looking for the stables?" asked With apologetically.

  "Through these doors and across the courtyard, you can't miss it," said the human.

  After crossing the courtyard With came to the stables seeing the walled off part of the castle that was the monastery. A human blacksmith stood close to the door. "Major Bash sends his regards," said With.

  The blacksmith nervously looked around, "That big bully's not here is he? Major Bully if you ask me."

  With ducked into the stables. There were spaces for fifteen horses, the partitioned wall also being a part of the monastery must have held at least another thirty horses. He passed a black winged horse that was closest to the door and found Fawh at the end. "Fawh, it's me, With."

  "Who are you with With?"

  "I'm by myself."

  "Have you rescued the princesses yet?"

  "I'm sorry to tell you, but Arthur, Alf and Lee have been captured and I don't know where Sid and Biggs are." With looked worried.

  "I tried to create a diversion but the guards captured me and put me in here. I don't mind though, I've got some nice hay and the Dark Lord's Pegasus for company. I'm fed and in a stable environment so I'll stay here until you get a better plan."

  "If you see Biggs or Sid before me tell them I've gone back to the bedroom to pray on the bed."

  "May the Lord be with you."

  "And with you." With gave Fawh a sugar lump.

  "Thanks, that's very nice but could you make it a Candarel lump next time, I'm trying to lose weight," said Fawh.

  With turned and made his way back to the bedroom.

  The mask was sticking to his face and his legs were trapped. He tried to move but felt sluggish. Sid took the mask off and looked down. Biggs was lying on his legs. The dwarf prodded his friend but to no avail, then he looked around. They had tripped into a laundry chute and fallen about six metres into a half empty laundry basket, "Ooh mae poore head. Eh Biggsy, please wake up."

  A door opened and he heard footsteps, so covering himself with a sheet, he waited. He felt the basket begin to move and felt some doors being bumped open by the basket, then he was tipped onto the floor. Now freed from Biggs's weight, Sid stood up and rubbed his head and back, "I don't think this dwarf's made for falling." He bowed to look at Biggs and tapped him on the cheek but Biggs did not stir. "You couldn't be second in charge of anyone now, and by the way you stink of goblin you goblin stinker. I'll reconnoitre this area and leave you to kip a bit more."

  Sid looked around, he was in the laundry where there were big boiling pots, sinks and airers full of sheets, clothes and cloths. He walked over to the door on the opposite side of the room and peeped out to see a small hall with another door in the opposite wall which was slightly ajar. Crossing to the door he looked out and saw the entrance hall. "Biggs and I must have fallen down a laundry chute while we were pretending to look for Fawh," he thought.

  The little dwarf put the goblin mask on again and made his way through the hall.

  Ugbash was sitting, talking to the receptionist. "My son is a court jester. He works in the wrong place. I'll go 'an speak to Osminiun his pay-master. So's it'll mean he hires a fat clown who can juggle instead of my son who is a thin jester who isn't funny and can't juggle."

  Quietly passing the goblins, Sid ascended the stairs to the bedroom.

  "Sid, are you all right?" asked With as he climbed off the bed.

  "Apart from me poore head and back, I'm as fit as a dwarf."

  "I've got some bad news for you, the others got captured but I got away."

  "Biggs is sleeping his bruised head off in the laundry."

  "What a mess, now we have to rescue even more people. I tell you what we should have done first."

  "What?"

  "Prayed."

  "Of course, we forgot all about it."

  Suddenly they heard a noise at the door, Sid drew his mask back over his head. A goblin entered leading Biggs by the hand, "You weren't downstairs for the Dark Lord's supper," he said, "he wanted entertaining you know. Any way I think this is one of yours, I'll leave him with you, he seems a bit disorientated." The goblin spat as he left.

  A concerned With went up and put his hand on Biggs's shoulder, "Biggs how are you?"

  "What, who are you?" He asked.

  "Do you know who we are?" asked With.

  "No," came the curt reply.

  "He's lost his memory," said With and Sid together.

  "Sit down," With told Biggs, "Sid, get him a cup of sweet tea."

  Sid complied.

  With sat Biggs down and asked him, "Can you remember anything?"

  "My auntie Sylvia, she used to rock me in my cradle," Biggs began to suck his thumb.

  "That's very good Biggs, any later memories?"

  "Erm, the goblin that just bought me here said I was in the laundry. Anyway, are you an accredited psychologist or a mental doctor?"

  "No, but I'm a minister of religion and medicine is one of my specialities, so stop getting uppity."

  Biggs lay on the bed and With took a notebook from his habit.

  "Now I'm going to suggest some words to you and I want you to tell me which words you associate with them. Let us begin:- Red."

  "Herring."

  "Blue."

  "Monday."

  "Green."

  "Chives and cheese."

  "I think we'll try a different tack:- Mother."

  "Teresa."

  "Sister."

  "Sister."

  "Dog."

  "Hot."

  "Mouse."

  "Mickey."

  "Well..."

  "Wishing."

  "No, well..."

  "No water."

  "No, Biggs?"

  "No littles."

  "Biggs, stop!"

  "Little go."

  "You don't know what I mean!"

  "That's not fair, that's more than a single word. I'm not playing any more."

  "We weren't playing, and I'm pleased to tell you that your memory loss is not permanent and only short term."

  "Thanks Doc."

  Sid came in with a tray, "I had to knock the kitchen staff up for these teas. Is he alright With?"

  "With sugar," said Biggs.

  "I can see he's still suffering. Here Biggs, have some tea."

  "Thanks Sid."

  "He remembered you Sid, his memory must be coming back," said With.

  "No it's not, I just remembered what you said when you sent him for the tea." Biggs handed the tea back to Sid, "Two sugars I said."

  "Oh," ohd Sid and Biggs.

  "I think we should get a good kip, then pray and trust that our efforts will be rewarded."

  "Bags the bed," baggsed Sid.

  "Biggs needs the bed you've baggsed as well so it looks as though I'm on the settee," said a resigned With.

  Biggs and Sid snuggled down in the bed and With got some blankets and a pillow and bedded down as best he could.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  A small bird had perched itself on the windowsill and With was feeding it with breadcrumbs and enjoying the view of Undercastleton, Gilkhag near Elkhag and the surrounding hills.

  Sid stirred and stopped cuddling Biggs, looking a bit put out. He rubbed his eyes, "You're up early With."

  "To be with the Lord Sid, and I think he's reminded me of a good bible story that may help us."

  "Let me guess, let me guess. Daniel in the lion's den?"

/>   "No."

  "Samson pushing the pillars down?"

  Nnno."

  "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the burning furnace?"

  "No, not even close."

  "Solomon burnishing the shields and defeating the Egyptians by blinding them?"

  "No, that's not in the bible anyway, that's just in the film 'Solomon and Sheba'. Artistic licence," he added.

  Sid relented, "Okay then, I give up, which one is it?"

  "David in the Philistine city acting as a madman."

  "So how does that correlate with us and our situation?" asked Sid.

  "Well, goblins revere madmen, the same as the Philistines, so if one or more of us acts mad then they won't touch us," explained With.

  "Biggs butted in, "I'm not mad, I've just lost my long term memory for a short term."

  "Is there anything special we need to do to look mad?" inquired Sid.

  "You'll look good dribbling down your beard like Richard Gere, and we can all look cross eyed, stagger and babble," suggested With. Then, "Come on let's practice.

  "Hang on a minute, is that stagger, stagger, dribble, babble eyes crossed?" asked Biggs.

  "No, it's stagger, stagger, babble, dribble, dribble, eyes crossed, babble," showed With.

  Sid piped up, "Do you think this will work?"

  "We'll pray and hope it does," said With, "let's pray."

  Alf woke in a plush feather bed and as he yawned he knocked a small brass bell from the bedside table.

  A few moments later the door unlocked and a goblin entered, "You rang princess?"

  "Er, yes," said Alf in a high pitched voice, "have you CNN news here, I want to see if my disappearance has been noticed yet."

  "No I'm sorry princess, there's no cable that leads to this room. I can ask the princess Trelainne if you can look at the news if she's not busy."

  Alf perked up, "Yes, please, that would be ... delightful!"

  The goblin exited, and after a little while he came back in, "She said that would be pleasant. By the way, what's your name?"

  "Mm, Alphonsia, but you can call me Alf for short."

  The guard led Alf out and into the bedroom suite two along where the elf had slept. The goblin showed him into the reception area, "See you later," he chirped as he closed the door and locked it.

  "Trelainne, my love, where are you?"

  "Alphonse?" She ran from the sitting room into his arms, "My love, I thought you were dead."

  They hugged and kissed each other.

  "Why did you think I was dead?" he asked.

  "They said they had put you in the dungeon to be tortured and put to death."

  "I was rescued by a monk, a dwarf and a horse."

  "That's a strange group to be in a dungeon."

  "We all tried to rescue you and the princess Arianne, but, uh our plan failed. She hit King Arthur over the head with a bed pan."

  "She can be a little petulant. How do you plan to escape now?"

  "I don't know, have you any ideas?"

  "I think I'll get changed into my go get'em gear."

  "I'll take this dress off, pink doesn't suit me any way," said Alf as he disrobed.

  "Why do you think the author has introduced me as part of the party, is it because I'm good with the elven bow?" asked Trelainne.

  "No, I think he needed a token woman for the story, you know, someone that would fill the gap, introduce a woman's perspective."

  "It's a good job I'm not a feminist then isn't it. Get me my belt off the bed."

  "Yes dear."

  She came out of the bathroom with her suede boots, leather jerkin, hood and bowman's gloves. "Thanks," she said as she strapped the belt around her waist. "You know, I could have escaped myself a long while ago, but I was enjoying the service, the goblins are good servants and Arianne's not bad company. Never mind Alf, did you think you were doing your duty?"

  "That's not fair Trelainne, you know I've got to rescue you so's we can get married."

  "Oh yeah, I forgot about the standard, 'rescue my daughter for her hand in marriage' clause of my father's rescue contract. Well I suppose I'll have to get rescued then," she threw herself in to Alf's arms, "catch!"

  He lifted her up and kissed her again, "I can't wait till we're married."

  "So how are you going to rescue me then?"

  "I think we should exit by the window," Alf looked at the window, "Mmm bars, we'll need a hack saw."

  "I've got a wire saw in my hoody hood," she took her hood off and gave it to Alf.

  "We need some noise to cover the sawing, switch the television on, the satellite channel and see if MTV's playing any rock music, it should be the right time."

  Trelainne switched the T.V. on and switched it to MTV. In a few moments Alf had sawn through one of the bars and with Trelainne's help had bent it out of position. He looked out, "We'll need a rope. What about the sheets?"

  "We could use them, but I don't to waste time knotting them, just compliment the author."

  "How do you know about that?"

  "It was on CNN," she quipped.

  "They're all over the place," thought Alf out loud. "Dear Author, you who are graceful, please give us rope, you wonderful man."

  Nothing happened.

  "I wonder what's the matter Alf?" quizzicled Trelainne.

  "He might be asleep."

  Realising they were talking about me, I answered them, "Sorry you two, I've just been watching your antics for so long, and you've been getting along without me so well that I forgot that you sometimes need my help. Here's your rope."

  A twenty-metre length of rope fell from the ceiling, "Thanks Author, and keep awake next time," chided Trelainne.

  Alf tied the rope to one of the bars, "You first my dear."

  Trelainne clambered through the window, "Pass me my bow and quiver," she asked.

  Alf passed out her bow and quivered then got her arrows and climbed out himself.

  Stagger, stagger, dribble, babble, eyes crossed.

  The two guards on the door parted and gave the 'madmen' room to pass.

  "How did a mad monk get into the hotel? Is it Rasputin?" asked one.

  "How did a mad dwarf get in the hotel?" asked the other.

  "Search me!" said the first one, and so his compatriot began to search him.

  Sid, With and Biggs staggered through the door into the hallway, then began to stagger and babble down to the desk.

  Pan Head spotted them, "You can't come down here, it's a restricted area to tourists."

  With babbled, "Babble, babble, we're mad heh,heh,heh."

  Pan Head's eyes grew wider, "They're mad, ahhh," and then he ran from them. The other five goblins also ran down towards the servant's stairs.

  Sid whispered to With, "So good so far, now where's the princess?"

  "I think she's in this room near the desk, babble, babble," babbled With.

  Sid staggered over to the door, "It's locked, what do we do?"

  "Got any picks Biggs?" asked With.

  But Biggs had continued to babble and stagger down the passage to the goblins. They all turned and ran downstairs. Pan Head even dropped his keys.

  "That's a bit of luck," said Sid.

  "I believe it was divine providence," said With as he quickly babbled and staggered to catch Biggs up, he then picked the keys up and grabbed Biggs by the arm. "Babble, Biggs, come on, babble."

  "Eh," ehd Biggs as he turned and followed With.

  "I'll do the honours," said Sid as he took the keys from With. He unlocked the door and pushed it open slightly. "Princess Arianne, if you're in there, we're a rescue party come to rescue you."

  The princess came to the door armed with her bed pan, "A rescue party. Well it's about time too." She looked at each of them, "A dwarf, a monk and a mad knight, isn't there a handsome prince around?"

  "
Oh no, I forgot, it's Arthur who wants to rescue the princess so that he can marry her," said a worried With.

  "Ahh," ahh'd Sid, "he must be in one of these other rooms. Let's look. Biggs, you stand just there and babble with your eyes crossed in case the guards come back." Sid unlocked another door and looked in. He saw a television on and a sawn through bar, "If he was here he's escaped."

  Arianne called from the door, "No, no silly that was the elven princess's room. Arthur's is probably that door at the bottom."

  Sid pushed Biggs closer to the stairs and the goblins wittered again and went down a few more steps, "I think you're good at this Biggs," said Sid, "you could do it part time to supplement your wages." He fiddled with the keys and tried a few in the lock. Looking in he noticed a slumped figure, "There's a slumped figure here." He pushed the door wider and he entered with With. "It's Arthur alright, and they've demasked him, help me with him With."

  The princess turned her nose up, "Oh, I say, he stinks of goblin."

  "It's 'Smell of Goblin'," said With, "part of his disguise to rescue you."

  "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be rescued by someone who wears 'Smell of Goblin' for deodorant, what will they think of me at court."

  "Alright, alright, keep your hair on princess, we'll wash him," said Sid.

  "Hang on a minute," said With, "shouldn't he be awake by now? Let's check him." So saying, With checked his pulse, his temperature and looked into his eyes, "He's so heavily concussed that he's in a mild coma."

  "So how is he going to rescue me if he's unconscious?" She looked at Sid, "I don't want to be rescued by or to marry a dwarf and monks can't marry, that only leaves our babbling friend here."

  "Oh, he's lost his long term memory for a short while," said Sid.

  Suddenly a portal opened from another world and four heavily armoured police-type figures entered.

  "Move over to the wall buddy, Fantasy Police. Give us some I.D." said the leading police figure.

  "Fantasy Police!" murmured Sid as he handed his funny character union card to the sergeant. "Who are you?"

  "We patrol the fantasy realm to see that no liberties are being taken and that things aren't too surreal." He looked at Sid's card, "Sid the dwarf, on probation as a funny character. Okay."

  "But isn't it rather surreal you turning up here like this to question us?" said Sid the dwarf.

  "It is, but as fantasy police we have that prerogative. Anyway, this is only a spot check to warn you. We've been watching you and think you've had a little too much help from the author. Even in a fantasy universe there are some rules, you know. Any further infringement of this rule and we will invade your space again and take you captive to Xanadu. Comprende?"