6cndluo (and Other Flash Fiction) Anthology

  "We could pretend to be travelling minstrels," suggested With, "I can juggle a bit."

  "I can sing, 'I'll tek the high road and you'll tek the low road...'" sang Sid.

  "I can do a puppet theatre and some balloon modelling," said Lee.

  "I think that is a good suggestion," encouraged Arthur, "but where are we going to get minstrel and jugglers outfits from?"

  Suddenly some outfits fell from the sky.

  "Thanks, Author," thanked Arthur, "you'd think with all his power of imagination he'd get us into the castle no problem."

  "I can't Arthur," said I, "I've got to make the story about 26,000 words long and if I make it too easy for you then the book isn't so long and I might not get paid so much money. Any way, hardship creates character and that's what I want from you."

  "I think we ought to try blowing our way through the monastery wall," suggested Sid.

  "That's a real advert for us, 'Listen to this big bang Mister Dark Lord, sir, and come and get us'," irked Biggs.

  "I think we should try to get in at the back door first then if that fails or we're separated, then we'll enter by the dungeon," said Arthur. "Let's take a vote on it."

  They all raised their hands and so it was decided. Lee put some dirt on the fire and they all got dressed in the outfits. One by one they all walked across the bridge and Sid carefully led Fawh across last.

  The castle loomed into view and they traversed the pathway to the back door. Sid rang the door bell again, because he was fond of doing it. A little hatch opened and a dark and dirty face looked out, "Yes, what do you want?" said the face.

  "Aagh, stinking goblin," Sid whispered loudly.

  "What did he say?" asked the goblin. "Is he a dwarf, he smells like one?"

  "He said 'A sinking oblong', he's got some oblong trousers and they're starting to fall down. And he's not a dwarf, he's a midget who has been around horses too long," explained Arthur.

  Sid gave Arthur a dagger-like look but decided not to say anything.

  "What do you want then?" enquired the goblin.

  "We are minstrels, jugglers and entertainers come to entertain your most gracious lord," ingratiated Biggs (second in command.)

  "I'll have to ask, you'll have to wait out there," grimaced the goblin. He closed the hatch.

  "The devil's own creatures," spat Sid.

  "Now Sid if you carry on acting like that you're going to jeopardise the whole mission," chided Arthur.

  "Goblins killed my father and my grand-father and I hate them with all my heart," venom flamed from Sid's heart.

  Sympathy flowed from With's mouth, "I know how you feel Sid, but you can't hold a grudge all your life, it's not healthy for you."

  "I've been told that before, but I'm not forgiving them, no way," refused Sid.

  "I have no time to deal with it now," said With, "you will have to pray with me later."

  There was a scuffling behind the door and the goblins face appeared again. "You can come in you three, but leave the dwarf and the monk behind."

  "How could you tell I was a monk?" asked a surprised With.

  "You're tonsure; I hate monks coming to the door saying, 'Have you thought about eternal life?' It makes me sick it does."

  Arthur whispered, "Okay you two, take Fawh and put into action plan two."

  "Well come on then you 'entertainers' come in." The goblin smarmed as he poened the door (it's a new way of opening it.)

  "Lee you sater, chaps," spoonerised With. Sid looked relieved as he and With took Fawh and started towards the dungeon.

  The air was dank and musty and other foul odours ensued from the mouth of the main hall but to get there they had to pass through the reception area. A desk with a small bell resting on it was to their left and as they began to walk past it another goblin popped his head up and shouted, "You can't go in unless you've signed the hotel's visitor's book." He swung the book around and offered a quill to Arthur who took it and wrote 'Arthur (of the Britons)'. Then Biggs signed 'Biggs (second in command)' and Lee signed 'Lee (children's entertainer)'.

  "Alright, you can follow Ugbash into the main hall, drinking, women in your rooms and taking drugs are expressly allowed but no preaching, singing nice songs or clean jokes," grunted the goblin behind the desk.

  Ugbash it turned out was the goblin from the door and he led them into the Great Hall. What a stink, the place had not been cleaned in ages. They found a clear floor space and brother Lee started to set up his puppet theatre. Ugbash torpured a, "After you finish here, (yawn), I'll show you to your rooms till evening meal, then you can entertain the Dark Lord and his son, Master Dark Lord, for it is his birthday today."

  Lee took out two bundles of sticks and pulled each of the bundles into a framework of crossed braces held together by bolts, he then stood one on top of the other and began to cover it in a striped cloth. The others stood and watched in amazement at how quickly the theatre took shape. Arthur walked back to the archway and called Ugbash.

  The goblin bumbled in and motioned with his hands while chewing on a chicken leg. He led them up some stairs and into an empty room with a big king-sized bed. "You'll have to make-do in here; you'll all have to sleep in one bed."

  They looked disdainfully at each other and plonked their rucksacks on the floor then Arthur and Biggs sat on the bed. Lee looked through the barred window, "A veritable fortress," he mused, "I wonder how the others will get on?"

  Back over the Rickety bridge and past the front gate of the castle/monastery, walked Sid, With and Fawh. "I know the entrance was around here," dithered Sid, "but where I just don't know."

  With found something lying on the ground, "What's this?"

  It was a signpost and it read 'The secret underground entrance to the Dark Lord's castle, this way'.

  "That was a bit of luck," enthused With, and he walked towards the secret underground entrance to the Dark Lord's castle.

  Again it was a dark and dismal place and Sid lit a lamp, "My dwarvish eyes aren't what they used to be," he moaned.

  The dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak doors both stood open. "That's funny," said Sid, "the other dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door to the left was not open when we came last time."

  Tentatively he crept to the door and removed his battle axe from his belt, he motioned to With to prepare a flash bomb from the flash powder. "After three With and throw it in, but close your eyes until it goes off. One, two, three."

  With threw the flash bomb into the room and after a short pause they both rushed in to see a small man chained to the wall clenching his eyes shut. Sid sniffed the air, "Smells like a pansy elf to me," he grumped.

  "I am not effeminate, but compared to your mother-in-law I am," said the elf.

  Both Sid and With looked up to the ceiling to see if Sid's mother-in-law was going to fall from it but nothing happened. "She must be doing the hoovering," said Sid.

  With bent down to the elf and looked at his chains, "How did you get into this mess?"

  "I tried to rescue my betrothed who has been taken by the Dark Lord. I think they're saving me to eat later."

  "How are we going to get his chains off Sid?" asked With.

  "Me battle axe will do it, hold your left hand on this stone."

  "You might chop his hand off Sid," wittered With.

  "He's only a pansy elf, any way I'm good with this axe."

  The elf put his hand to the stone and Sid took three chops to break the metal wristlet, then Sid took four chops to break the other.

  "Thank you surly dwarf, I owe you my life," thanked the elf.

  "What is your name elf?" asked With.

  "'Tis Alf, Alf the elf," elfed Alf.

  "Well then Alf, our friends are in the Dark Lord's castle at this moment trying to rescue the princess Arianne and we are trying to
get in to help them by this route. Would you like to join us?" asked With.

  "That is very kind of you but I have no armour or weapons," grieved Alf.

  "Leave that up to me," said Sid the dwarf. "Oh fine Author, one that provides for us, the golden handed one whose creations are witty and bright....."

  Suddenly a full suit of elven chain mail and a delicate glowing sword fell from the ceiling.

  "Wow," wowed Alf, "look at the sword, it's got a battery in the hilt that gives an electric shock if it hits, very useful if you're fighting goblins in armour." He shimmied into the chain armour and clicked off the sword to save its battery. "I'm ready, shall we go to get him?"

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Lee was reading his bible, Biggs and Arthur were playing travel chess. A small skinny child peeped around the corner, "Are you the ones doing my puppet theatre?"

  They all looked round at this scruffy waif, "Your puppet theatre, who are you?" enquired Lee.

  "I'm little Lord D'ark, and it's my birthday today, I'm six," warbled the youngster.

  "Oh, really, we only came by chance, but it is good that we can be of service," said Arthur.

  "I've got to help my mummy make the sandwiches, my favourite, tripe and jelly," said little D'ark

  "I didn't expect to have to play for kids. Goblin kids are the worse," Lee shook his head.

  Ugbash walked briskly into the room, "The little guests have started to arrive downstairs. My kids will enjoy it too. Come on then."

  Ugbash led the way down into the main hall. All the children were playing up, there were two goblin children in the puppet theatre standing on a chair with puppets dangling from their hands. Another human child was nearly ripping the puppet theatre cover trying to see the others. Children were fighting on the table, rolling around in the food and the rest were screaming and running all over the room.

  "Oh, it's not that bad," remarked Lee, "it's usually worse than this."

  Ugbash shouted, "Right, you lot, shut up, sit down or I'll beat you up!"

  Most of the children looked round and Ugbash tapped a stick on his palm. Ten seconds later all was nearly quiet. "Now then, you lot," he said," these three gentlemen have come to entertain you for little Paul's birthday party, he's six today." Ugbash started to clap and cheer and gestured to Lee, Arthur and Biggs that they could start.

  Lee whispered to Arthur, "Can you juggle or anything like that?"

  "Uh-oh," Arthur replied, "I can only juggle with two balls."

  Lee passed him two balls and said, "Get juggling," and then he said to Biggs, "so what can you do?"

  "I'm good at sword-fighting."

  "That's no good, you'll have to be a horse, get on your hands and knees," ordered Lee.

  Biggs obeyed and was immediately mounted by three goblin children who prodded, kicked and thumped him. He tried to crawl around but more children tried climbing on top of him.

  Lee managed to remove the children from the theatre and said a quick prayer while he prepared to do his puppet theatre. Arthur dropped one of the balls and a human child picked it up and ran under the table with it. The king of the Britons bumped his head on the table, "OOUCHH! These horrid little kids," he said rubbing his head and then bumping into Ugbash.

  "I thought you were an entertainer," said the goblin, "you're not controlling your emotions very well."

  Alf led the way, "My eyes are better than yours in the dark, where's the map?"

  Sid got the map out and spread it on the floor, "I think we're here," he said, "near the guards chamber, if were not careful there'll be some goblins in it. Isn't there another way round, a secret passage?"

  "Of course there is," said the map, "but you'll have to be nice to me."

  Alf looked surprised, "A talking map, how do you want us to be nice to you?"

  "I want a leather case, and I want to be poking out of Sid's rucksack so I can see what's going on."

  "Can't get you a leather case yet, but you can poke out of the top of my rucksack," said Sid the dwarf.

  "Well then," replied the map, "I'll have to tell you the secret route in a riddle:

  When all is done then you shall find,

  a secret door, just use your mind,

  look for a hole that is head high,

  and listen for the eerie sigh."

  "What's the all that wants to be done?" whatted Sid.

  "Maybe it's actually getting nearer to the goblin guardroom," suggested Alf.

  With said, "I can use my mind."

  "I'm sure you can," whinnied Fawh, "but do we look for a hole that is my head high, a dwarf head high or a human head high?"

  They all hmmmed in unison, then Sid the dwarf said, "Look for a hole that's just about the same height as Alf's head because this place was made by goblins."

  Alf turned round and glared at Sid, "Are you saying that I'm no better than a goblin?"

  "Well, if you look in the Silmarillion by Tolkien you'll find you are related," said Sid.

  "And what are you related to, Sid, warthog?" jibed Fawh.

  "Do you want to be half a horse, Fawh? I can oblige with my axe?" brandished Sid.

  "We must stop arguing," pacified With, "I think that you are right Sid, we should start looking now for the hole, about 150 cms high."

  As they started to look around the passageway they realised that there were holes all over the walls, they began to panic and rush up and down the passage. "Let's not panic," whispered With, think about the other part of the riddle, 'and listen for the eerie sigh'."

  "I've got the best ears, I'll listen, be quiet you lot," hushed Alf. He walked smoothly down the passage listening for the telltale sigh, but nothing. Then he started on the right side of the passage, and about half way down he stopped, "I hear it, a sigh, here listen."

  The others came over in a sort of coming over fashion and listened, he was right, a low sigh issued forth.

  "It could be a sighing monster issuing forth, let's have a look in the tome." Sid swung his rucksack round and pulled out the tome. Flicking through it he came to the S's. "Soup Dragon, Succubith, Sighing monster (issuing forth.) Be careful, it says, they bite your hands off. Grreat. I'm not sticking my hand in that hole."

  "Don't be silly, it can't be a sighing monster in this place, it must just be the wind," said Alf, "I'll find out if there's a secret passage handle or not." He gingerly placed his hand near the hole and pushed it in, for a second everything seemed to go well then he yelled, "I can't get my hand out of the hole, it's eating me, yaargh!" He thrashed around, dangling from the wall.

  The others grabbed him and pulled, With looking for his hand. There was no hand at the end, "Oh my Lord," he cried, "he's lost his hand."

  "Only fooling," laughed Alf as he punched his fist out of his armhole.

  The others started to punch him because they cared about him until he yelled, "Enough, you're hurting me."

  As they stopped they realised that a secret door had indeed opened in the wall, "Come on then, seeing as you found it, pansy you can go in first," ordered Sid.

  Alf took the lamp and entered followed by the others, Sid closed the secret door and they all walked down the passageway not knowing what was ahead.

  "Tell me if Joe turns up," said Joella, "he's got to come in for his tea." Joella disappeared under the stage.

  Joe appeared "Hello." The children went wild, "He's there, he's there," they shouted.

  Joella popped up again, "Where is he children?"

  They all shouted, "Behind you, behind you."

  The puppets moved around each other, Joella unable to see Joe.

  "He's there, he's there," they shouted again.

  A tall goblin child shouted, "Are you stupid? He's on your head." He walked over to the puppets and pulled Joe off Lee's hand then pushed Joe into Joella.

  Lee shouted, "If you're not going to be good, the puppet theatre will stop, now give me ba
ck my puppet."

  The tall goblin child threw the puppet into the puppet theatre, the other children also started to throw food into it and they ended up charging up to and tearing the cloth covering of the puppet theatre. Lee stood there still trying to wriggle the Joe puppet onto his left hand. "Helllllp!"

  "Right," righted Ugbash, as he chased children around with his stick until they had settled down.

  They were poring over the map, and the map did not like it at all, "Make up your mind you lot, and try not to poke me."

  "Because this is a secret passage, we don't know where it will come out unless the map tells us, and he's being funny because he doesn't have a leather cover," commented Sid.

  With pointed to the map, "We will probably come out near the throne room, because this is probably an escape passage for the Dark Lord."

  "It might be guarded," said Arthur, who wasn't supposed to be there and just as quickly vanished.

  "That's true," thought Alf. "We will have to wait till night so that we can be sure that nobody is there, but how can we tell it's night?"

  "I'll tell you," said the author. And they all seemed pleased with that so they waited.

 

  "I think that was a really well entertained party," said Ugbash, trying to be enthusiastic.

  "Oh, I thought it didn't go too well, Biggs has a few bruises and my puppet theatre needs a major repair."

  "As I said it was good. You can rest now, then eat with the Dark Lord tonight, a bit of light entertainment would be delightful. You may go back to your room or you can use the facilities for guests on the ground floor, the pool, snooker or the casino. Please do not use the restricted parts of the castle, some areas are structurally unsound."

  Arthur thanked Ugbash, Lee and Biggs started to put the puppet theatre wreck away. After, they all went back to their room.

  Arthur tapped his fingers on the alcove wall in the room, "What do you think?"

  "About the facilities," asked Biggs.

  "No, about the 'structurally unsound parts of the castle'. Sounds like they don't want prying eyes prowling around."

  Biggs looked up, "We'll wait till dark then."