The Man With Two Left Feet

  ‘I must go round the other way,’ she said. ‘The water has come up too far on that side.’

  And she walked past him to the other end of the cove.

  The prospect of another wait chilled Wilton to the marrow. The wind had now grown simply freezing, and it came through his thin suit and roamed about all over him in a manner that caused him exquisite discomfort. He began to jump to keep himself warm.

  He was leaping heavenwards for the hundredth time, when, chancing to glance to one side, he perceived Mary again returning. By this time his physical misery had so completely overcome the softer emotions in his bosom that his only feeling now was one of thorough irritation. It was not fair, he felt, that she should jockey at the start in this way and keep him hanging about here catching cold. He looked at her, when she came within range, quite balefully.

  ‘It is impossible,’ she said, ‘to get round that way either.’

  One grows so accustomed in this world to everything going smoothly, that the idea of actual danger had not yet come home to her. From where she stood in the middle of the cove, the sea looked so distant that the fact that it had closed the only ways of getting out was at the moment merely annoying. She felt much the same as she would have felt if she had arrived at a station to catch a train and had been told that the train was not running.

  She therefore seated herself on a rock, and contemplated the ocean. Wilton walked up and down. Neither showed any disposition to exercise that gift of speech which places Man in a class of his own, above the ox, the ass, the common warthog, and the rest of the lower animals. It was only when a wave swished over the base of her rock that Mary broke the silence.

  ‘The tide is coming in,’ she faltered.

  She looked at the sea with such altered feelings that it seemed a different sea altogether.

  There was plenty of it to look at. It filled the entire mouth of the little bay, swirling up the sand and lashing among the rocks in a fashion which made one thought stand out above all the others in her mind—the recollection that she could not swim.

  ‘Mr. Wilton!’

  Wilton bowed coldly.

  ‘Mr. Wilton, the tide. It’s coming IN.’

  Wilton glanced superciliously at the sea.

  ‘So,’ he said, ‘I perceive.’

  ‘But what shall we do?’

  Wilton shrugged his shoulders. He was feeling at war with nature and humanity combined. The wind had shifted a few points to the east, and was exploring his anatomy with the skill of a qualified surgeon.

  ‘We shall drown,’ cried Miss Campbell. ‘We shall drown. We shall drown. We shall drown.’

  All Wilton’s resentment left him. Until he heard that pitiful wail his only thoughts had been for himself.

  ‘Mary!’ he said, with a wealth of tenderness in his voice.

  She came to him as a little child comes to its mother, and he put his arm around her.

  ‘Oh, Jack!’

  ‘My darling!’

  ‘I’m frightened!’

  ‘My precious!’

  It is in moments of peril, when the chill breath of fear blows upon our souls, clearing them of pettiness, that we find ourselves.

  She looked about her wildly.

  ‘Could we climb the cliffs?’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘If we called for help—’

  ‘We could do that.’

  They raised their voices, but the only answer was the crashing of the waves and the cry of the seabirds. The water was swirling at their feet, and they drew back to the shelter of the cliffs. There they stood in silence, watching.

  ‘Mary,’ said Wilton in a low voice, ‘tell me one thing.’

  ‘Yes, Jack?’

  ‘Have you forgiven me?’

  ‘Forgiven you! How can you ask at a moment like this? I love you with all my heart and soul.’

  He kissed her, and a strange look of peace came over his face.

  ‘I am happy.’

  ‘I, too.’

  A fleck of foam touched her face, and she shivered.

  ‘It was worth it,’ he said quietly. ‘If all misunderstandings are cleared away and nothing can come between us again, it is a small price to pay—unpleasant as it will be when it comes.’

  ‘Perhaps—perhaps it will not be very unpleasant. They say that drowning is an easy death.’

  ‘I didn’t mean drowning, dearest. I meant a cold in the head.’

  ‘A cold in the head!’

  He nodded gravely.

  ‘I don’t see how it can be avoided. You know how chilly it gets these late summer nights. It will be a long time before we can get away.’

  She laughed a shrill, unnatural laugh.

  ‘You are talking like this to keep my courage up. You know in your heart that there is no hope for us. Nothing can save us now. The water will come creeping—creeping—’

  ‘Let it creep! It can’t get past that rock there.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It can’t. The tide doesn’t come up any farther. I know, because I was caught here last week.’

  For a moment she looked at him without speaking. Then she uttered a cry in which relief, surprise, and indignation were so nicely blended that it would have been impossible to say which predominated.

  He was eyeing the approaching waters with an indulgent smile.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she cried.

  ‘I did tell you.’

  ‘You know what I mean. Why did you let me go on thinking we were in danger, when—’

  ‘We were in danger. We shall probably get pneumonia.’

  ‘Isch!’

  ‘There! You’re sneezing already.’

  ‘I am not sneezing. That was an exclamation of disgust.’

  ‘It sounded like a sneeze. It must have been, for you’ve every reason to sneeze, but why you should utter exclamations of disgust I cannot imagine.’

  ‘I’m disgusted with you—with your meanness. You deliberately tricked me into saying—’

  ‘Saying—’

  She was silent.

  ‘What you said was that you loved me with all your heart and soul. You can’t get away from that, and it’s good enough for me.’

  ‘Well, it’s not true any longer.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ said Wilton, comfortably; ‘bless it.’

  ‘It is not. I’m going right away now, and I shall never speak to you again.’

  She moved away from him, and prepared to sit down.

  ‘There’s a jellyfish just where you’re going to sit,’ said Wilton.

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘It will. I speak from experience, as one on whom you have sat so often.’

  ‘I’m not amused.’

  ‘Have patience. I can be funnier than that.’

  ‘Please don’t talk to me.’

  ‘Very well.’

  She seated herself with her back to him. Dignity demanded reprisals, so he seated himself with his back to her; and the futile ocean raged towards them, and the wind grew chillier every minute.

  Time passed. Darkness fell. The little bay became a black cavern, dotted here and there with white, where the breeze whipped the surface of the water.

  Wilton sighed. It was lonely sitting there all by himself. How much jollier it would have been if—

  A hand touched his shoulder, and a voice spoke—meekly.

  ‘Jack, dear, it—it’s awfully cold. Don’t you think if we were to—snuggle up—’

  He reached out and folded her in an embrace which would have aroused the professional enthusiasm of Hackenschmidt and drawn guttural congratulations from Zbysco. She creaked, but did not crack, beneath the strain.

  ‘That’s much nicer,’ she said, softly. ‘Jack, I don’t think
the tide’s started even to think of going down yet.’

  ‘I hope not,’ said Wilton.

  The Mixer—I

  He Meets a Shy Gentleman

  Looking back, I always consider that my career as a dog proper really started when I was bought for the sum of half a crown by the Shy Man. That event marked the end of my puppyhood. The knowledge that I was worth actual cash to somebody filled me with a sense of new responsibilities. It sobered me. Besides, it was only after that half-crown changed hands that I went out into the great world; and, however interesting life may be in an East End public house, it is only when you go out into the world that you really broaden your mind and begin to see things.

  Within its limitations, my life had been singularly full and vivid. I was born, as I say, in a public house in the East End, and, however lacking a public house may be in refinement and the true culture, it certainly provides plenty of excitement. Before I was six weeks old I had upset three policemen by getting between their legs when they came round to the side door, thinking they had heard suspicious noises; and I can still recall the interesting sensation of being chased seventeen times round the yard with a broom handle after a well-planned and completely successful raid on the larder. These and other happenings of a like nature soothed for the moment but could not cure the restlessness which has always been so marked a trait in my character. I have always been restless, unable to settle down in one place and anxious to get on to the next thing. This may be due to a gipsy strain in my ancestry—one of my uncles travelled with a circus—or it may be the Artistic Temperament, acquired from a grandfather who, before dying of a surfeit of paste in the property room of the Bristol Coliseum, which he was visiting in the course of a professional tour, had an established reputation on the music-hall stage as one of Professor Pond’s Performing Poodles.

  I owe the fullness and variety of my life to this restlessness of mine, for I have repeatedly left comfortable homes in order to follow some perfect stranger who looked as if he were on his way to somewhere interesting. Sometimes I think I must have cat blood in me.

  The Shy Man came into our yard one afternoon in April, while I was sleeping with mother in the sun on an old sweater which we had borrowed from Fred, one of the barmen. I heard mother growl, but I didn’t take any notice. Mother is what they call a good watchdog, and she growls at everybody except master. At first, when she used to do it, I would get up and bark my head off, but not now. Life’s too short to bark at everybody who comes into our yard. It is behind the public house, and they keep empty bottles and things there, so people are always coming and going.

  Besides, I was tired. I had had a very busy morning, helping the men bring in a lot of cases of beer, and running into the saloon to talk to Fred and generally looking after things. So I was just dozing off again, when I heard a voice say, ‘Well, he’s ugly enough!’ Then I knew that they were talking about me.

  I have never disguised it from myself, and nobody has ever disguised it from me, that I am not a handsome dog. Even mother never thought me beautiful. She was no Gladys Cooper herself, but she never hesitated to criticize my appearance. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone who did. The first thing strangers say about me is, ‘What an ugly dog!’

  I don’t know what I am. I have a bulldog kind of a face, but the rest of me is terrier. I have a long tail which sticks straight up in the air. My hair is wiry. My eyes are brown. I am jet black, with a white chest. I once overheard Fred saying that I was a Gorgonzola cheese-hound, and I have generally found Fred reliable in his statements.

  When I found that I was under discussion, I opened my eyes. Master was standing there, looking down at me, and by his side the man who had just said I was ugly enough. The man was a thin man, about the age of a barman and smaller than a policeman. He had patched brown shoes and black trousers.

  ‘But he’s got a sweet nature,’ said master.

  This was true, luckily for me. Mother always said, ‘A dog without influence or private means, if he is to make his way in the world, must have either good looks or amiability.’ But, according to her, I overdid it. ‘A dog,’ she used to say, ‘can have a good heart, without chumming with every Tom, Dick, and Harry he meets. Your behaviour is sometimes quite un-doglike.’ Mother prided herself on being a one-man dog. She kept herself to herself, and wouldn’t kiss anybody except master—not even Fred.

  Now, I’m a mixer. I can’t help it. It’s my nature. I like men. I like the taste of their boots, the smell of their legs, and the sound of their voices. It may be weak of me, but a man has only to speak to me and a sort of thrill goes right down my spine and sets my tail wagging.

  I wagged it now. The man looked at me rather distantly. He didn’t pat me. I suspected—what I afterwards found to be the case—that he was shy, so I jumped up at him to put him at his ease. Mother growled again. I felt that she did not approve.

  ‘Why, he’s took quite a fancy to you already,’ said master.

  The man didn’t say a word. He seemed to be brooding on something. He was one of those silent men. He reminded me of Joe, the old dog down the street at the grocer’s shop, who lies at the door all day, blinking and not speaking to anybody.

  Master began to talk about me. It surprised me, the way he praised me. I hadn’t a suspicion he admired me so much. From what he said you would have thought I had won prizes and ribbons at the Crystal Palace. But the man didn’t seem to be impressed. He kept on saying nothing.

  When master had finished telling him what a wonderful dog I was till I blushed, the man spoke.

  ‘Less of it,’ he said. ‘Half a crown is my bid, and if he was an angel from on high you couldn’t get another ha’penny out of me. What about it?’

  A thrill went down my spine and out at my tail, for of course I saw now what was happening. The man wanted to buy me and take me away. I looked at master hopefully.

  ‘He’s more like a son to me than a dog,’ said master, sort of wistful.

  ‘It’s his face that makes you feel that way,’ said the man, unsympathetically. ‘If you had a son that’s just how he would look. Half a crown is my offer, and I’m in a hurry.’

  ‘All right,’ said master, with a sigh, ‘though it’s giving him away, a valuable dog like that. Where’s your half-crown?’

  The man got a bit of rope and tied it round my neck.

  I could hear mother barking advice and telling me to be a credit to the family, but I was too excited to listen.

  ‘Goodbye, mother,’ I said. ‘Goodbye, master. Goodbye, Fred. Goodbye everybody. I’m off to see life. The Shy Man has bought me for half a crown. Wow!’

  I kept running round in circles and shouting, till the man gave me a kick and told me to stop it.

  So I did.

  I don’t know where we went, but it was a long way. I had never been off our street before in my life and I didn’t know the whole world was half as big as that. We walked on and on, and the man jerked at my rope whenever I wanted to stop and look at anything. He wouldn’t even let me pass the time of the day with dogs we met.

  When we had gone about a hundred miles and were just going to turn in at a dark doorway, a policeman suddenly stopped the man. I could feel by the way the man pulled at my rope and tried to hurry on that he didn’t want to speak to the policeman. The more I saw of the man the more I saw how shy he was.

  ‘Hi!’ said the policeman, and we had to stop.

  ‘I’ve got a message for you, old pal,’ said the policeman. ‘It’s from the Board of Health. They told me to tell you you needed a change of air. See?’

  ‘All right!’ said the man.

  ‘And take it as soon as you like. Else you’ll find you’ll get it given you. See?’

  I looked at the man with a good deal of respect. He was evidently someone very important, if they worried so about his health.

  ‘I’m going down to the country tonight,’
said the man.

  The policeman seemed pleased.

  ‘That’s a bit of luck for the country,’ he said. ‘Don’t go changing your mind.’

  And we walked on, and went in at the dark doorway, and climbed about a million stairs and went into a room that smelt of rats. The man sat down and swore a little, and I sat and looked at him.

  Presently I couldn’t keep it in any longer.

  ‘Do we live here?’ I said. ‘Is it true we’re going to the country? Wasn’t that policeman a good sort? Don’t you like policemen? I knew lots of policemen at the public house. Are there any other dogs here? What is there for dinner? What’s in that cupboard? When are you going to take me out for another run? May I go out and see if I can find a cat?’

  ‘Stop that yelping,’ he said.

  ‘When we go to the country, where shall we live? Are you going to be a caretaker at a house? Fred’s father is a caretaker at a big house in Kent. I’ve heard Fred talk about it. You didn’t meet Fred when you came to the public house, did you? You would like Fred. I like Fred. Mother likes Fred. We all like Fred.’

  I was going on to tell him a lot more about Fred, who had always been one of my warmest friends, when he suddenly got hold of a stick and walloped me with it.

  ‘You keep quiet when you’re told,’ he said.

  He really was the shyest man I had ever met. It seemed to hurt him to be spoken to. However, he was the boss, and I had to humour him, so I didn’t say any more.

  We went down to the country that night, just as the man had told the policeman we would. I was all worked up, for I had heard so much about the country from Fred that I had always wanted to go there. Fred used to go off on a motor-bicycle sometimes to spend the night with his father in Kent, and once he brought back a squirrel with him, which I thought was for me to eat, but mother said no. ‘The first thing a dog has to learn,’ mother used often to say, ‘is that the whole world wasn’t created for him to eat.’

  It was quite dark when we got to the country, but the man seemed to know where to go. He pulled at my rope, and we began to walk along a road with no people in it at all. We walked on and on, but it was all so new to me that I forgot how tired I was. I could feel my mind broadening with every step I took.