Loving

  “I’ll take care of them.” This routine was as familiar as Fourth of July — the Flanigans making buckets of their mom’s famous potato salad to take to the Baxter Family picnic at Lake Monroe.

  Bailey drained the water from the pot as memories from the past July Fourths filled her heart and mind. The times when her old friend Tim Reed had joined them, and the Fourth of July when Cody first returned from the war. That year he knocked at the door and saw her for the first time since his injury in Iraq. That was the moment her mother always remembered — when she wondered whether anyone would ever love Bailey the way Cody did.

  Of course there was the Fourth a few years back when she and Cody admitted their feelings for each other. The time he first kissed her when it seemed nothing would ever separate them. And then last year when Brandon joined her and everyone could see the attraction between them.

  She sliced the potatoes without really seeing them. Hadn’t she known back then it was a bad idea, falling for Brandon Paul? Bailey had never wanted to live in Los Angeles. But he had been so amazing while she was in New York, so ready to come see her that their love had felt beyond magical. As if God Himself had given them the gift of each other.

  Bailey looked out the window at her family’s pool and beyond to the acreage that ran up against the forest. Why hadn’t she thought about the reality? Which left just one question: Why had God allowed her to fall in love with Brandon in the first place?

  Justin came up beside her and snagged a piece of potato. “Sometimes I like it without all the goopy stuff.” He grinned at her. “And without those super strong onions.”

  Bailey laughed. She didn’t blame him. But whatever their mom did to the recipe, it always turned out to be a hit. Onions and all.

  They finished getting the meal ready and Bailey’s dad brought the other boys home from their summer basketball workout. “It’s going to be the best Fourth ever,” her dad announced. “I have a feeling.”

  Another smile lifted Bailey’s heart. Her dad said the same thing every year. “You’re doing the fishing derby this year, right?”

  “Of coures.” Her dad raised his fist in the air. “Enough of this Baxter domination. This year a Flanigan man is going to win.” He pointed at a few of the boys. “We have a plan, right?”

  “Definitely.” Justin raised his fist too. “It’ll be the start of a dynasty.”

  Bailey could hardly wait to see what they had cooked up, but for now she helped her mom finish the potato salad, and then together with her brothers they loaded chairs and picnic supplies into the back of the Suburban. Like every other Fourth, they arrived at the lake around three that afternoon and began setting up. By then most of the Baxters were there. Katy and Dayne wouldn’t be here this year, obviously, because Katy couldn’t travel. But everyone planned to call them from the lake before the fireworks.

  Luke and Reagan were the last to arrive, walking down the hillside with their three kids just after four. Bailey hadn’t seen Luke and his family since last Fourth of July. As they came closer, Bailey watched them, especially Johnny, their youngest son. He was nearly two, still small enough that Reagan carried him in her arms while Luke brought their ice chest. Tommy and Malin, eleven and seven now, galloped along beside them.

  But it was Johnny who held Bailey’s attention. She and Andi talked all the time now, and often her friend opened up about the pain of giving the boy up. She stood by her decision, but she ached at the loss. Last time they talked, Andi had said she hoped for a chance to see the boy, see how happy and adjusted he was living with his family.

  Bailey thought how it would feel to be Andi, to know that she’d given birth to a child who didn’t know her. She watched as Reagan set Johnny down and took his hand as he slowly toddled along. He had Andi’s blond hair and her fine features. No question he was her friend’s son. But if Andi were here now, she would agree the same way everyone who saw Luke and Reagan and their kids would agree: Johnny was exactly where he was supposed to be. Bailey made a point to tell Andi later.

  The smell of barbecue already filled the air around them as John Baxter and a few of the dads worked to get the burgers going. Connor ran up as Bailey was about to find Ashley Baxter Blake. “Come on!” He grabbed her hand, clearly excited about something. “It’s a three-legged race. We’re making teams and I pick you!”

  Bailey laughed as they hurried down the hill to the shore. But no matter how much fun they had over the next hour doing crazy races and building stick forts along the water, Bailey couldn’t shake the fact that something was missing. That no matter how badly she wanted to be content with being single in Bloomington, her heart was held hostage back in LA.

  Or wherever Brandon was today.

  She thought about calling him when the guys working the barbecue announced it was time to eat. She could slip off, head up the hill to the parking lot, and find a quiet place to call him. But even then the conflict remained. Why call him when the sound of his voice against her soul would only make her miss him more?

  Connor walked beside her as everyone formed a circle. The largest circle they’d ever made, if Bailey’s guess was right. A few of the Baxter kids had brought friends this year, and with all the families mixed together, the group was bigger than ever. They held hands and Bailey giggled when it took Ashley’s son Devin a little longer to find his place in the circle.

  “No … not here.” He looked everyone over as he walked along the inside of the circle. As if he was sizing up each person trying to decide who to stand by for the prayer. When he reached Bailey he finally stopped and grinned. “There you are! I was looking for you!”

  Bailey’s heart melted. “You want to stand by me, buddy?”

  “Yep.” He looked over his shoulder and raised his eyebrows in Ashley’s direction. “I can stand by Bailey, right, Mom? Because I’m gonna marry her one day, okay? So we should pray by each other, right?”

  A trickle of laughter made its way around the circle. Ashley worked to keep a straight face. “Yes, Devin. Go ahead. I’m sure Bailey would love that.”

  The little boy beamed up at her. He was six this summer and his tanned dimples made him look beyond adorable. He slid in next to Bailey and took her hand. “Okay,” he announced in a loud voice. “We can start.”

  Every year the dads prayed for their families. Some said only a few words, and others shared something deeper, more private. It was different each year. This time Luke Baxter started the prayer and he thanked God for the men and women who fought to keep America safe. Bailey kept her eyes closed, agreeing that they would not be a free nation if not for the military. Guys like Cody who had given everything they had for the cause of freedom.

  Ashley’s husband asked for God’s protection over their schools and John Baxter thanked God that they could all be together. “Tomorrow is not guaranteed,” he said, and for a long moment he couldn’t continue. “Help us enjoy today. This day … when we can all be on one hillside hand in hand.”

  The prayer continued and a few minutes into it Bailey felt someone moving in beside her, at the place where Devin stood.

  “Hey,” his indignant voice rang out. “She’s my girlfriend!”

  “I’ll stand on her other side. That way she can be your girlfriend and mine too.”

  Even in lowered prayerful tones, the voice was as familiar as her own heartbeat. Bailey’s eyes flew open. Her hand was over her mouth before she could cry out. “Brandon,” she whispered, and a fluttering of hushed responses came from around the circle.

  “Shhh.” His shining eyes melted her and his smile made time stop. He slipped his fingers between hers. “Let’s pray.”

  Bailey felt the shock make its way through her legs and arms and the broken places in her heart. She was grateful for the chance to close her eyes and catch her breath. Otherwise she might’ve broken down and cried. The truth screamed at her and celebrated itself in her soul. Brandon had come! He’d gotten on a plane and joined her for the Fourth of July. Of course he had
. He knew how much this day meant to her, the way every year it was the one time they all got together.

  She felt tears in her eyes, but she refused them. He couldn’t stay, that much was certain, so tears were bound to come later. For now, she didn’t want to cry. She wanted to feel his arms around her and get lost in his eyes and play Frisbee with him by the lake. If he had come this far to be with her then they would have the best day ever.

  When the prayer ended, everyone seemed to find their own picnic spots and conversations — giving Bailey and Brandon space to realize the enormity of the moment.

  “You’re here.” Bailey turned to him and slipped her arms around his waist. “I can’t believe it.”

  He put his arms around her too, and they stood there unaware of anyone else. “I had no choice.” He searched her eyes, as if by looking at her he could finally breathe again. “You wouldn’t call me back.”

  She laughed, but the sound was more of a cry. “I’m sorry. It’s just …” She tried to see his deepest feelings, why he had flown here and what possible good could come from it. But a part of her didn’t really want to know. It was enough that he had come and they had stolen a moment from yesterday.

  “Don’t say it.” He smiled, but it didn’t hide his sadness. “We’ll talk later.” He paused, allowing the full weight of his next words. “I leave in the morning. I have a meeting at the studio.” For a moment he let that settle, the reality that this was nothing more than borrowed time. But then with another quick smile he glanced over his shoulder. “Anyway, right now it looks like dinner time.”

  Bailey leaned to the side and looked up the hill at the line of family and friends getting burgers from the place where the barbecues were set up. “I think you’re right.” She giggled and slipped her hand in his. She had missed him so much more than she realized. Brandon had come and he was here and they were going to share in the Fourth of July picnic.

  What more could she ask?

  They sat with Bailey’s family for dinner and when they finished eating, Devin ran from table to table making a grand announcement: “Time for the fishing contest! Hurry, people. Gather ‘round. Before it gets dark!”

  Bailey didn’t want to think about the fading sunlight or the way the clock refused to stand still. Not yet. Brandon had his arm around her, as if she’d never broken up with him. Once in a while she caught her mom giving her a look — nothing critical, but more of a sad, understanding glance. Because there was no happy ending to a moment like this.

  Brandon spoke close to her cheek. “Who are we cheering for?”

  “My dad.” She gave her father a thumbs-up and yelled from where she sat. “This is your time, Dad. Go get ‘em!”

  “Right!” Bailey’s dad, Jim, stood and yelled for his sons Justin and BJ. “Fishermen, report for duty! Let’s do this!”

  Bailey looked at Brandon and giggled, proof that at least for this moment her heart felt safe and whole and fully his. “We have to cheer loud. One of the Baxters always wins this thing.”

  “Got it.” He took her hand as they walked down the hill and found a fallen log where they could watch the fishing battle. A chill ran down Bailey’s arms and she pressed in close to Brandon’s side. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” She whispered the words like they were a secret. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up.”

  For a long beat, Brandon only looked at her. But she knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. If this time together felt like a dream, then how could she consider breaking up? If being together was the only way either of them felt right, then why in a few hours would they have yet another goodbye?

  A loud voice broke the moment. “Okay, everyone.” It was Ryan Taylor, who was married to Kari Baxter Taylor — the second oldest of the Baxter sisters. “You all know how it works. This year we have three teams.” He explained that he and Luke and John Baxter would form one team, three of the other Baxter guys would form another, and Jim and Justin and BJ would make up the third. Each of them would toss their lines in the water and after fifteen minutes, the team with the most fish would win. “Remember, it’s not about the fish. It’s about the bragging rights. Fourth of July champs means something around here.”

  From all around came applause and shouts of approval. Bailey snuggled closer to Brandon. “We take our fishing seriously.”

  “I remember that.” He put his arm around her again. “Are you cold?”

  “No.” She lifted her eyes to his. “Not with you beside me.”

  The fishing battle grew heated long before the fifteen-minute mark. John Baxter’s team reeled in three trout right away, and almost at the same time her dad and Justin caught two. “Way to go!” Bailey yelled her encouragement to her family. “You can do this, guys!”

  “Maybe if they had you out there.” Brandon nudged her, teasing.

  In the end, it was the other Baxter team who won by catching five fish in the final five minutes, causing Justin to flop down on the bank like one more big trout. Bailey’s dad helped him to his feet and brought both her brothers into a huddle. In no time a chant came from them. “Next year! Next year! Next year!”

  “Yep.” Brandon laughed. “I definitely want to see the rematch.”

  Bailey wanted to laugh, but his words hit her like so many rocks. Because next year at this time there was no telling whether or not they’d even be talking to each other. She wanted to ask him if he really thought he’d be here beside her next Fourth of July, but she couldn’t make herself say the words.

  Not when he couldn’t possibly promise her anything of the sort.

  Seventeen

  AS DARKNESS FELL, BAILEY FELT TIME PRESSING IN AROUND them.

  The picnic was fun, but she wanted to be alone with Brandon. They’d been apart for so long that if they didn’t use the next few hours to talk, they might not have another chance. Before the fireworks show over the lake began, Brandon pulled her aside. “Bailey, can we get out of here? Please?”

  She shrugged, and felt herself shiver a little. “Where should we go?”

  “I know a spot.”

  Brandon waited while she told her parents where she was going. She’d done this once with Cody, before they were anything more than friends. But tonight was so different. She wasn’t a high school girl now. She was grown up, desperate to find a way to make things work with the guy she loved.

  When she returned to him, she slipped her sweatshirt on and with her hand in his they headed up the hill across the parking lot. “I’ve never been this way.” She stayed close to him. Anything not to think of the heartache ahead.

  “I found it the day after your dad baptized me. I needed somewhere to go, to pray and thank God for saving me.” He smiled at her, but it didn’t hide the tension in his expression. “I came here.”

  On the other side of the parking lot he helped her down a small but steep hill. At the bottom of it was a trail Bailey had never seen. “It’s pretty here.”

  “One of the best spots on the lake.” Night had fallen, but Brandon used his phone’s flashlight app to light the path ahead of them.

  “I bet it’s gorgeous in the daytime.”

  “It is.” They walked close together for another few minutes, and the path became a lookout, an area with an almost unobstructed view of the lake. “See over there?” He pointed toward the cliffy edge in front of them. “There’s a fire pit.”

  “That’s perfect.”

  “Yeah,” he gave her a lopsided grin, “if I’d brought firewood and a match.”

  “That’s okay.” She shivered a little more, the cool air and the pending conversation leaving her colder than she liked. They walked to the fire pit and the adjacent thick tree trunk that had been hewed into a rough bench.

  “See?” He spread his hands out as if he’d planned for the seat to be there. “Just for you.”

  She hesitated, taking in the look of him in the moonlight. “For us.”

  “Okay.” He put his hands on the sides of her arms. ??
?For us.” Before they could sit down, he seemed to notice she was shivering. “You’re cold?”

  “Not too much. It’s just …” Her eyes fell to her Converse tennis shoes. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to do anything but enjoy this small slice of time with him. But when she looked up, she was sure he could see the tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to have this talk. I never want either of us to be hurt again.”

  His eyes found hers and with no effort he looked into the places only the two of them shared. “Do you know how beautiful you are, Bailey?”

  She realized for the first time that she hadn’t even done her hair that day. In a rush she’d only thrown it up in a loose bun, ready for whatever activity she and her brothers might take part in. “Ugh.” She ran her hand over her hair and felt several loose pieces that had fallen from her clip. “I’m a total mess.”

  His eyes stayed on hers. “I’m not talking about your hair.” He ran his hands along her arms and then tenderly framed her face. “I’m talking about your heart.”

  Bailey could sense what was about to happen, and she should’ve stepped back, should’ve done whatever she could to keep him from kissing her. But she wanted to be in his arms in such a strong way it scared her. “Brandon …”

  “It’s okay.” He came closer and in a moment that took both their breath, he kissed her. Long and slow, the two of them together like they’d wanted to be since she left LA. When he drew back, his eyes blazed. “I love you. Nothing’s changed, baby.”

  She let his words run again in her soul. Nothing had changed. She allowed a sad laugh, but only so she wouldn’t cry. “We’re broken up. That’s a pretty big change.”

  “No.” He soothed his thumb over her cheek. “You sent me some crazy text message. That’s not a breakup.” He looked at her, and in his eyes she saw just how serious he was. “Tell me now, Bailey. Look at me and tell me you want to break up.”

  “Brandon … don’t.” She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on his. “I can’t do this.”

  “Baby, you have to. If you want me out of your life, then look at me and tell me so.”