Learning

  “Will I still wear my red shirt and my American flag tights?”

  “Yes … ‘cept this time you will also have big blue sunglasses and a loud voice so you can tell people all over the circus to come and get into the time machine.” Another quick breath. “Can you live with that?”

  She swallowed another laugh and nodded. “Yes, … I think so.” She looked at Landon, his eyes locked on the road ahead. “What do you think … can I live with that?”

  Landon hesitated, and then gave her a double take. “What?” He looked forward again. “Sorry … were you talking to me?”

  A ripple of panic stirred the waters in her mind. Who was this, sitting beside her? The man she’d married never would’ve tuned out a conversation like the one between Ashley and Devin. She lowered her voice, but kept her tone upbeat. So the kids wouldn’t think there was something wrong between them. “It’s okay, Landon.” She put her hand on his knee. “Never mind.” She turned back to Devin. “Okay, so the time machine sounds like a great idea, but what about you? What moment would you go back to?”

  Devin scratched his head, thinking hard. Suddenly his entire face lit up. “Last night. Cole and me were out back looking for frogs near the pond, and Cole told me I was the best brother he ever had.” He grinned at Cole, satisfied with his answer. “That’s where I’d go.” He turned curious eyes to her. “What about you, Mommy?”

  Ashley’s throat felt tight. The question hit her in a way she hadn’t seen coming. If a time machine could take her back to any moment, what would she choose? Memories came rushing at her and she could see Landon standing before her on the front yard of what had been her parents’ house — the Baxter house, where she and Landon lived now. And he was touching her cheek and promising her that he’d never leave her again …

  But before she could claim that as the moment, another memory filled her mind, and she could see Landon in his tux at the front of Clear Creek Church, and her mom was still alive and in the front row, and Ashley was dressed in her wedding gown, and she knew as long as she lived she would never forget the way she felt or the look in Landon’s eyes … or maybe the moment in the hospital when they first laid Devin in her arms … or the time when Landon had stood beside her while their first daughter, Sarah, had died in their arms. The love between them, the support of their family, no matter how sad it had been … she was certain. She would pay to find her way back to that moment.

  Or the time when Janessa joined their family, and the faithfulness of God was made real in the feel of Landon’s fingers intertwined with hers. Any of those moments or a million others …

  “Mommy? It’s taking you a long time to think of an answer.”

  “Well, buddy.” Cole looked up from his baseball cards and smiled at Ashley. “Mom has a lot of good times to think about. It’s not that easy deciding where she’d go back to. Right?”

  There was no way to express how much she loved her family, but her love for Cole would always have its own special place. Long before Landon, life had consisted of just the two of them. She wouldn’t have minded a trip back to one of those days either. “That’s right.” She leaned the side of her head against the headrest. “Hmmm … It’s a hard decision.”

  “It’s a time machine, Mommy!” Devin tossed his hands in the air and giggled. “You can go back to all of them if you want.”

  “True.” She laughed and looked at Landon again. Like before, he was nonresponsive, as if he couldn’t hear a word they were saying. Her smile dropped off and she withdrew her hand, folding her arms in front of her instead. “The truth is, I’d go back to just about any happy time with all of you. Because you’re the people I love the most.”

  “Mommy!” Devin laughed at her, as if to say she was the silliest person in the car. “That would be our whole life.” He shrugged big. “'Cause our whole life is a happy time.”

  “Yes,” she grinned at Devin. “You’re right, buddy.” But she couldn’t help but think that just maybe those happy times were in the past. Before Landon got sick … before he had to quit doing the job he loved. She kept her feelings to herself. She could forgive Landon if he was distracted today. Her fear wasn’t for the quiet ride to Indianapolis, but the ride home. And every day that might follow.

  “I can think of a few baseball games I’d like to go back to.” Cole laughed, like he was starting to enjoy the idea of Devin’s time machine.

  Ashley faced the front of the car again and let the boys continue the conversation. They reached Kari’s house, and Landon helped her get the kids and their things to the front door. “They’ll be fine.” Kari crossed her arms and anchored herself against the doorframe. When the kids had bid them goodbye and hurried into the house, Kari looked long at Ashley and then Landon. “We’ll be praying.”

  “Thanks.” Ashley looked at Landon, but he only mumbled a quiet thank you and then looked at the ground. Ashley shot her sister a helpless look. “The kids are thrilled … a day with their cousins.” She moved to the spot next to Landon. “What’s on the agenda?”

  “A water balloon contest … and maybe a little Dance Dance Revolution. The older kids love that.”

  “Perfect.” Ashley wished with all her heart that this was a different sort of summer day, and that she and Landon could stay and take part in the fun. That they weren’t driving to Indianapolis to find out the verdict on what could be a lifelong sentence for Landon. Again Ashley gave her sister a knowing look, as if to say she couldn’t really talk. Not now. “You’ll have to tell us all about your day when we get back.”

  “For sure.” Kari stepped out onto the porch, glancing over her shoulder to make sure the kids were far enough in the house that they couldn’t hear her. “Will you know the results today?”

  “Yes.” Ashley looked at Landon. He still had said barely anything. “Dad talked to the doctor. I guess the test is usually pretty definitive.” She felt like screaming at Landon … Didn’t he think this was hard for her too? She exhaled, keeping her focus. “They attach needles to a bunch of muscle nerve endings, and then they flip a switch. Diseased muscles make a series of noises. I guess the doctor can tell what disease a person might be dealing with by the pattern of the sounds.”

  Kari’s face grew a shade paler, and her expression looked stricken. “Polymyositis isn’t just in the lungs?”

  “It’s a muscle disease.” Landon finally spoke up. His face was grim, his expression almost angry. “I haven’t felt weakness anywhere else, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t follow the same pattern every time.”

  Kari seemed to sense that Landon really didn’t want to talk about polymyositis or any other lung disorder. If he was going to fight fires again, he needed his lungs more than the average person.

  “Okay.” Ashley interrupted the awkward silence that hung between the three of them. “Thanks for watching the kids.”

  “Absolutely.” Kari stepped back inside the house. She waved once as Ashley and Landon turned and walked back down the sidewalk to their van. Ashley heard her close the door as the two of them climbed back inside and Landon started the engine again.

  Ashley understood Kari asking about Landon. She hadn’t kept her sister up to date with every detail of Landon’s condition. For that matter, she hadn’t kept most of their extended family up to date. Only her dad, really. And then only because he was a doctor — he understood how serious things were with Landon.

  The bottom line was, Ashley hadn’t wanted everyone to know the seriousness of Landon’s struggles. Until they had a diagnosis there was no reason to talk about it. Clearly he was sick. He’d almost died in the fire six weeks ago — all of them knew that much. In fact, his lung damage from the recent house fire was the reason the doctor had wanted him to wait until now for the electromyography. Damaged muscles could give a false reading.

  They were halfway to the highway when Ashley turned and studied Landon. He hadn’t said a word since they’d gotten back in the car. “Are you okay?”

  He gave he
r the same sort of look he’d given her earlier. Like he had forgotten until that moment that she was even in the car with him. “Me?”

  “No, Landon. The kids in the backseat.” She clenched her fists and tried to find the right approach with him. “You’re the only other person in the van. Of course I’m talking to you.”

  He clenched his jaw and for a long moment he said nothing. Then he glanced at her, a hint of anger written into the fine lines on his forehead. “You want to know if I’m okay?” The sound that came from him fell short of being a laugh. “I’m headed to the city for a test that will probably confirm the fact that I have some rare lung disease … something they’re finding more commonly in people who worked at Ground Zero.” He looked at the road again, his knuckles white from the way he gripped the wheel. “If I have it, I’m done fighting fires. Everything I’ve worked for … all of it … behind me. Finished.” He paused, and his voice sounded strained, like he was fighting tears. “They can put me on a donor list, and if … if a donor comes along I have a one-in-five chance of living another ten years.”

  Ashley knew all of it, every frightening thing he said. But hearing him compile the situation into a handful of sentences made her heart skip a beat, and then stumble into a strange and unrecognizable rhythm. Ten years … was that really a possibility? That she might not have more than a decade left with him? Cole would barely be out of college by then … Devin still in high school. And Janessa … she would hardly be old enough to remember him after he was gone.

  Nausea welled inside Ashley and she wondered if she might get sick right here in the car. She needed air, lots of air. Because this couldn’t be happening to them … not after how long and hard they’d worked to get to this point. And worse … it wasn’t just the situation they were facing, but the way Landon was handling it. He had always been strong for her, always been ready to tackle whatever came their way. But this time it was like he had become someone else, a different person. She didn’t know if he was angry or afraid or both, but she couldn’t take another minute of it.

  “Listen,” she raised her voice, but managed to keep a slight hold on her control. “I don’t know what lies ahead for us, and neither do you. But I know this …” She was shaking. She turned and pressed her back against the side door, keeping as much distance as she could between them. “I know … I can’t live another day with … with your attitude, Landon. You’re the one who told me I couldn’t stop living just because you were sick, and now —”

  She had more to say, about the kids and how they were picking up on his mood and how tragic it would be if Devin stopped thinking they were always happy whenever they were together. But her voice caught, and a rush of tears took her by surprise.

  “Ash …” For the first time in a week, the mask of anger or indifference that had made up Landon’s face cracked.

  “I can’t do this, Landon.” She began crying so hard she wasn’t sure he could understand her. “I’m scared too. But we can’t shut each other out.” She waved to the place where he was sitting. “I watched you earlier and all I could think was, ‘Who is this guy? And what … what happened to the man I married?’”

  Grief flooded Landon’s face, and without waiting another moment he checked the rearview mirror, glanced over his shoulder, and then pulled the car into the parking lot of an abandoned gas station. Landon killed the engine and turned to her. For a long time he said nothing, only hung his head like he was trying to gather his thoughts.

  When he looked up there were tears in his eyes, tears for the first time since his initial asthma attack … since his doctor first began to believe something might be seriously wrong. “I’m sorry …” His hands shook as he took hers. “I’ve … I’ve never felt like this, Ash. I’ve always … been strong for you.”

  “I know …” A sob slipped from her throat. “That’s why I’m freaking out here … I know something’s wrong with your lungs, Landon. That kills me … of course it kills me.” She spread her fingers over her chest. “But I can’t go through this if something’s wrong with your heart too. If you stop … stop loving me.”

  That was all she needed to say. Landon’s tears came harder, and he pulled her close, hugging her so hard she couldn’t move if she wanted to. “I’m sorry, Ash … I keep … I keep thinking I won’t be any good for you.”

  “What?” She squirmed her way free and stared at him, shocked at his words. “Not good for what?”

  “For working! Making a living for you and our kids. You can’t … you can’t count on me anymore. Have you thought about that?” His voice was loud with what sounded like anger, but Ashley knew better. Landon was afraid. Raging fires didn’t scare him. He could run into a burning building and never once flinch. But this? The idea of being useless to her? That made him afraid like nothing else had. It terrified him. Scared him to death about what the future held.

  She felt the slightest calm cut its way through her sorrow. “Landon …” a few quiet sobs shook her body. “I could never … ever love you … more than I do right now.” She took his hands in hers and held them as tightly as she could. “I don’t love you … for what you can do for our family. For the money you make or … or the work you do.” She touched the place over her heart and then pressed her hand against his chest. “I love you for who you are … inside.”

  Her sobs subsided and she reached for a tissue in the glove box. “I just … I feel like you’ve been a stranger since you came home.” She sniffed and wiped her tears. “Like I don’t know you.”

  The fight was gone from him. He slumped against his door and looked at her, just let his eyes get lost in hers for the longest time. “I don’t know how to do this … I … I don’t know how to be weak.”

  “You’re not weak!” She leaned closer, imploring him, her voice ringing with passion. “You could never be weak to me.” With everything in her she prayed he could see how deeply she meant this. “You’re the strongest man I know, Landon Blake.” Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You taught me how to love, remember?” She settled back in her seat. “The strength it took to do that? It’s still in you. It’ll always be there … no matter what happens with your lungs.”

  The uncertainty in his eyes, the doubt and fear were emotions Ashley had rarely seen in her husband. But he adjusted their hands so he was in control, so his hands were holding hers, and he tightened his grip. “You mean that? You really do?”

  “Of course.” She laughed, but it came out as another series of sobs. Her arms came around his neck and she held on, willing life into him, praying with every heartbeat that they might be handed a miracle today, that he wouldn’t have a fatal lung disease. When she drew back she searched his eyes, and a smile lifted her lips ever so slightly. “Devin told the whole family, remember? You’re the strongest man in the world.”

  He smiled, and again tears gathered in his eyes. “I’ve been such a jerk. To you … to the kids.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ash. I just … I didn’t know how to handle it …” He waited, gathering control of his tears, his emotions. With the shoulder of his navy short-sleeved shirt he wiped his face and breathed deep. Then he put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her the way he used to look at her. Before he fell sick. “I love you, Ashley … I don’t want to lose you. We have to pray.”

  “I am.” She ran her hand alongside his face and gently she leaned in and kissed him. “I’ll give you a lung myself, if that’s what it takes. I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

  “I won’t hide my feelings from you … never again.” He kissed her this time, and the moment lasted longer than either of them expected. Long enough that their tears mixed together and she could taste them on her lips. His intensity told her that whatever way he’d given up, he was back in the fight, ready to trust God for whatever the next few hours … or the rest of their lives might bring.

  With that certainty, he wiped his face once more and she did the same, and they continued their drive to Indianapolis. They drove in silence, but t
hey held hands the entire way, and Ashley could sense a dramatic change in him. Landon was back. At least he seemed that way for now. After today, there was no telling how the diagnosis might affect him.

  The doctor’s office was at the top of a ten-story medical building, and they waited nearly an hour before he could see them. He entered the room with a rush of activity, apologizing for being late and explaining that a procedure had taken longer than he’d expected. He looked at Ashley. “You must be Mrs. Blake?”

  Ashley sat stiffly in a chair in the corner of the room. “Yes.” She wondered if the man realized what was at stake today. He probably performed electromyography tests all day long. Every time much was on the line, no doubt. But today’s diagnosis was a matter of life or death. She held her purse tightly against her stomach and waited.

  The doctor turned to Landon and explained the test process — nothing new, just what they’d heard before. The needles, the placement, the machine that would determine the disease level of the muscles. “The needles look pretty lethal, but they won’t hurt. They’re so fine they make very little impact.”

  Please, God, please … we need a miracle.

  I am with you, daughter. I have loved you with an everlasting love.

  Ashley felt her anxiety ease. Still, God, we need more than Your love today … let the doctors be wrong … let Landon’s muscles be fine … please …

  The doctor began positioning the needles. From his place on the examination table, Landon looked at her and again relief flooded her being. Because this was Landon looking at her, not some shell of the man she’d married. Whatever the results, they would have each other. However long that might be.

  It took less than five minutes for the doctor to get the needles into several dozen locations on Landon’s arms and legs. If he had polymyositis in his lungs it would show up in his other muscles. The doctor checked over each needle, making sure of its placement.