Breathless

  * * *

  When a priest discovered us the next morning at dawn, huddled up asleep on separate pews, he politely asked us to leave, telling us the church sponsored a shelter just a few blocks away, where we could get food and blankets. Jason was cautious as we left the church, as if he were afraid that the Sons were waiting just outside the door to ambush us. But no one was there. The sun was just stealing into the sky, and above the buildings we could see the rosy fingers of dawn. As we walked out onto the streets of the city, for the first time since leaving Bramford, I felt free and buoyant. Maybe it was the sky. Maybe it was the brisk air, which chilled my nose. But I simply felt happy and grateful to be alive.

  Jason and I went into a little restaurant for breakfast. We drank orange juice and coffee, and I felt very cosmopolitan and mature. While I was in the bathroom, Jason used a payphone to call Marlena. “She’s okay,” he reported to me. “They left her apartment a mess and figured out we’d gone out the fire escape but had no idea where we’d gone.”

  It was good that Marlena was okay.

  “We need to get out of the city, though,” Jason said. “Luckily, Marlena came through with the IDs and credit card.”

  The waitress brought our food then. I’d got pancakes. Jason had got eggs and bacon. We ate without speaking for some time. The pancakes were very good. I was hungry.

  “So,” said Jason eventually, his mouth full of bacon. “We should figure where we’re going to go.”

  We. The buoyant feeling I had came crashing down. I didn’t think “we” were going anywhere.

  I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to say this, because I was afraid for myself, but I felt like it needed to be said. I was slowing Jason down. I was in the way. He was in real danger from the Sons. I didn’t want to make it easier for them to catch him. “Jason,” I said, “I’m not sure if I should stay with you.”

  “What?” he said. “Where would you go?”

  “That’s not the point,” I said. “The point is that I’m slowing you down. I literally can’t run as fast as you. And it’s got to be harder to hide two people than it is to hide one. If the Sons got to you because of me, then I’d feel horrible.”

  “Where would you go?” Jason repeated.

  He was concerned about me. That was sweet. I had to reassure him not to worry about me, so that he’d be able to take care of himself. “I’d figure something out,” I said. “You wouldn’t have to worry about me.”

  “Like what would you figure out?”

  God, he was stubborn. “I would ...” I shrugged. “I don’t know exactly.”

  Jason looked stunned. He sat back in his seat. “I can understand why you’d want to get away from me,” he said in a quiet voice.

  Of course he understood. He knew that I was weighing him down. My presence endangered him. “Good,” I said. “So after breakfast, you should get out of the city, and I’ll—”

  “Wait,” he said. “Okay, I know that it’s dangerous for you being around me. And I appreciate your wanting to go someplace away from that and away from me. But I can’t leave you in the city by yourself. There are other dangers besides the Sons, you know. You’re just a girl.”

  Just a girl. That was it exactly. He even thought of me as something hard to protect and take care of. “No, Jason, I don’t want you to have to try to take care of me anymore. That’s the whole point. If you stay here and try to help me get safe, then the Sons will find you. We can’t waste time.”

  “You want to get away from me that badly?”

  What? Had he been listening to me at all? “It’s not about me wanting to get away from you, Jason,” I said.

  “That’s what you just said,” he said.

  “No,” I said. “I want to stay with you. I’m scared to be without you. But that’s selfish of me, and I can’t put you in danger.”

  Jason looked confused. He didn’t say anything for several minutes. The waitress came back and asked if there was anything else we needed. “Just the check,” said Jason. He shook his head at me, still looking confused. “You don’t put me in danger,” he said. “I’m always in danger. It’s the way things are. You can’t add to that in any way.”

  “I slow you down,” I said. “I’m just a girl. I can’t... shoot guns or beat people up.”

  “Sure you can,” he said. “You just don’t know how yet.”

  The waitress brought back the check. Jason threw several bills on top of it and stood up. I stood up with him.

  “So, let me get this straight,” he said. “You do want to stay with me.”

  “Yes,” I said. Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted it. Even though Jason said I couldn’t put him in any worse danger, I didn’t know if I really believed him.

  “And you aren’t worried about what kind of danger I’m putting you in, you’re just worried about me?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  We left the restaurant. The sun had climbed a little higher into the sky. It was reflecting off the tall buildings that surrounded us, like it was splintered by thousands and thousands of mirrors.

  “Azazel,” said Jason, “as long as you want to be around me, I want you to be around me. Okay?”

  I nodded.

  Impulsively, Jason closed the distance between us in one quick step. His arms went around me, and he pulled me against his chest. His eyes searched mine questioningly, waiting for me to tell him to stop. When I didn’t, he crushed his lips against mine.

  We stood in the brilliant New York sunlight, cars honking on the street around us, people swerving around us on the sidewalk, ignoring us completely, and we kissed for a very long time.